I really tired to keep my cool but I just blew up.
There is a family member at DH's residence that has been driving me nuts with his behaviour towards my DH. His wife sits at my DH's table, they sing in the choral group and he was just so involved with my DH that I started to get a little worried. DH was telling me about the great conversations they were having and how they were such good friends. Then he tells me that this fellow was telling him what a hard time he was having getting his life together. I questioned DH a bit more and I find out his guy is dumping all his problems on my DH. I tried to get DH h to not discus this stuff with him but that didn't go over to well. This has been going on for about a year and I asked staff to tell him to stop but that didn't work either. Jus about a month ago DH started to get upset about this guys problems and didn't know what to do. Yesterday I went to a new support group and guess who was there along with two others from the same LTC. Each of us took turns giving our partners illness. When I told them about DH and how agressive he get this guy just about comes across the table at me about how he has never seen this behaviour and he was really not very nice. I tried to talk to him but he made me feel like I was lying and I just lost it. I told him he was not to drop his problems off on my DH anymore and he said he wasn't doing that so I repeated some of the things DH had told me and He argued and denied it and I very loudly told him to back off. I also told him that if he were to say or do something that my DH didn't like he would soon find out how agressive and defensive he would get. He finally, after the facilitator told him more about my DH's symptoms, decided to leave my DH alone. I was so upset and have decided not to go back to that group as there are just to many from his LTC and know him and do not understand fronto with bv. There, now I feel better.
Good job Jazzy. I know you didn't want to react like that but I think the guy needed to hear it. And when he basically called you a liar when describing your husband, he deserved it!
Jazzy, This man's problem is not that he does not understand fronto. It is that he is a jerk - he does not behave appropriately with other people. Knowledge of particular dementias is not necessary to know you don't contradict someone when they describe their spouse's symptoms, and you certainly don't come across the table at them. Also, most people would not even consider dumping their problems on a patient in LTC, no matter what kind of illness they had.
I know this must have been very upsetting, but if you take the long view, this meeting was actually a great success for you. Having been educated by the facilitator, this guy now realizes that he should not be unloading his problems on your husband. And both you and the facilitator were able to educate others about your husband's illness. If it is not too stressful for you, you might want go back to this group, since the facilitator is familiar with what is going on and might be very helpful to you. It would also allow you to educate the other members about some of the symptoms of your husband's disease.
I find that so many family members of new residents expect to be exempt from any rules. They expect the staff to cater to their needs only and to leave other residents to do for them. These places have to have certain rules and this is for the protection and care of the residents. The staff have schedules that must be lived by to make sure they get each resident up and cleaned and down to the dining room and fed. Then it is take them back to their rooms and clean the beds and do the showers for that day and then back to the next meal and activities. I just can't understand how someone can demand a staff member who maybe in the process of cleaning a diaper can be expected to drop that job and go to deal with the demands of a family member who wants Mom or wife ie hubby changed or what ever. Be patient. Staff only have two hands. Realize what they may be full of right now. My DH puts up a good front but then goes down the hall to his room trembling with anxiety. This guy sat at the same table in the coffeehouse today but stayed out of DH's conversations. Thanks myrtle.
It di feel good. I've known about this guy bumping on DH for months and tried to get staff to talk to him but to no avail. I don' think this will happen again but I have now learned to handle things myself. I had just let it fester and ever time I saw him it got worse. I also just found out that he is a facilitator for a men's group at the Alzheimer's society here. I don't know how he can be a facilitator and still be so stupid about how and what you tell a dementia patient. It's beyond me. I did tell DH about it as he was getting upset with this guy always around him and he was really happy I did it. He said maybe now he will leave me alone. DH had no idea how to stop this guy. I'm surprised he didn't yell and scream at him. Lots of changes. He is now becoming very timid and so many things are now frightening him.
Jazzy, I agree with Mim that I can also hear over these months that you are becoming stronger. I saw your comment to Charlotte so I'm also speaking up. I think in some cases it is "new self" and I think in some cases it's 'previously unused self'. It's growth that comes with facing the extremely hard things all of you are facing and while we don't really look at survival in this as growth, the truth I believe is that all the worst things we endure for this are, on the flip side of that same coin, the places where we are growing the most.
Everyone who raised children that were difficult knows they get little credit for enduring that, which is fair because everybody who endures all this for their partner in crime isn't going to give themselves any credit either.
I don't explode like that often but that really ticked me off. Your right we do get stronger and suddenly we are back doing the same thing as we did when someone misused our kids. The Mother tiger shows here fangs and claws. LOL It sure felt good. Relieves the stress!!
Just a question Jazzy you said he is becoming more timid and afraid, is this common? As Lisa settles in I was hoping the fear and anxiety would subside. Great day on Wednesday then yesterday not so good she had a bad night somebody up making noise she always thinks someone is going to hurt her. Even flushing the toilet in her room, it is loud scares her. Finding too that now even when I try to hold her hand Or when somebody touches her arm to bring her along she feels they are pulling her and trying to hurt her? Thought the meds would help to relieve these fears but Seems like it may be getting worse instead of better.
When my DH was diagnosed the Doctor told me that if we were lucky the ad would take over and he would forget why he was angry and upset before it became out of hand and that seems to be what is happening. He will go to tell me something and before he can get it out he forgets what he wanted to tell me. Now I am wondering what will happen when the ad gets in pull control. I have seen some pretty aggressive ad patients. Right now he is so sweet and kind to me that I am constantly waiting for the next shoe to fall and he gets nasty again. He can't really tolerate loud noises so I have to pick places to take him like restaurants or the mall when it is quiet time. Sunday brunches are out totally now. The Parkinson's is showing it face now and he shakes and has to use two hands to hold a cup and he staggers and looses his balance. I feel so bad for him. Just so much on his plate.
Rona - turn the water off on the toilet leaving just the tank full. Many do this cause it cuts down on the possibility of multiple flushes and making any plug-up worse.