I am writing this in the hope that it will help someone else if they have the same experience to not feel strange or weird or whatever word is right to describe how it felt and still feels. My dear husband of forty years was diagnosed a little over 3 years ago at age 72. I knew something was seriously wrong 4 years ago and started researching AlZ then. I found this website somehow, and it became the only place I went for information and affirmation of all the terrible changes that were happening to us. I say "us" because it is a partnership in the progress of the disease as much as marriage is a partnership. One partner is the victim and the other partner is the caregiver. Both suffer unbearably. All of you, and only your, know what I mean.

My husband remained his sweet, loving self, always wanting to help me even when he couldn't remember what he was trying to help with and thanking me for everything I did for him. Oh, we had our episodes, just like all of you have experienced. Wandering was the most stressful for us as it required me to be on watch at all times. I truly believe my dh was so physically healthy that he fought the demon disease with all his strength until he could fight no more. I am so thankful that he was spared a long period of being bedridden and helpless. After a really horrible night on Memorial Day, he started falling and could no longer walk. Hospice had a wheelchair delivered that day, but I only used it one time. During the next week he gradually stopped eating and drinking and began to sleep more. I knew he was awake for the last time on June 7. I was holding his hand and telling him how much I loved him when he so peacefully took his last breath.

I have been at such peace since then, I have felt guilty for not being more devastated. I truly loved him with all I had, but I am so thankful that he is no longer miserable, anxious, scared and confused. I even talked to the funeral director about how I was feeling because I really felt something is wrong with me. He told me that in cases like this, especially ALZ, where the person has been dying for such a long time that a lot of the grieving process has already been experienced. He called it "Anticipatory Grief". I then realized that I did begin grieving for my husband at least 2 years ago when the man I was married to was no longer there. The body that died on June 7 was just the shell that was left after ALZ took its full measure of torture.

I want to thank all of you, especially Joan, for this website. It was a real blessing to me. Unfortunately, there is a coming storm of victims that will be seeking the shelter that they can find here. I will now be coming here for help in learning how to live without my sweet husband, my rock, for the rest of my life.

So beautifully expressed...my condolences to you.

Lin, I am so very sorry for your loss. I was relieved in a way that my husband did not linger too long also. You will,probably have many different feelings as time goes on. Yes we do grieve before they pass but I can say that the grief afterwards is deeper and more profound at least it was for me. I actually grieved 3 times, once when he was diagnosed, again when he was placed and yet again when he passed. Just know that we all understand what you are going through and that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Your grief process will be unique for you. Just focus on each day as it comes. Do not take on any unnecessary commitments or make any big decisions as you will need your strength to recover. I never realized just how much the caregiving had taken out of me until I was no linger doing it. For so many of us caregiving was our identity and reason for living. Once that is gone, one must find a new identify and it is a challenge and one that opens up slowly and with time. God bless

Lin your amazing and thank you for sharing.

Lin, I too am sorry for your loss but glad it was a peaceful end for both of you.