So I seem to be the bad guy lately! My husband has been going through a strange stage lately; he snaps at about everything I ask and thinks I am making things up! Such as if did or did not tell him or remind him of something. Claims I am not doing anything for him and I really don't have that much to do and doesn't know why I don't just sit down and relax in the evenings! He talks to other people and takes there opinions as the truth. Last night he informed me his condition was not permanent. Can anyone tell me if this is normal behavior?
Waning moon at times my wife thanks me for everything I do for her and at other times tells me I don't do anything for her. Denial is also not unusual. But remember the saying if you know a person with Alzheimer's you know one person with Alzheimer's everyone is different. I don't think the words normal behaviour and Alzheimer's go well together but again what you are describing is not unusual.
Hi Waning Moon, You may want to go along with your husband's misunderstandings. There's no point in starting an argument about whether you told him something or not. You have to play it by ear. Sometimes you you might be able to distract him or redirect him to another topic. Other times you might want to agree with him, even though he's wrong. As far as you husband saying that his condition was not permanent, why deprive him of this comforting belief? You don't have to jump on board; you can just say, "Oh, yeah? I didn't realize that."
Until a couple of years ago, my husband had insight into his illness, meaning he knew there was something wrong with him and that he could not do certain things. (He would say, "Thank you for helping me.") But, still, he constantly complained that I neglected to tell him about things. I would rarely correct him. Instead, I would apologize for not telling him, or say that I forgot to tell him, or that I just found out myself. There were some things that I just had to correct him on but they were few and far between.
Although mid-stage Alzheimer's patients are losing their memory and intelligence, they do not lose their need for self-respect. Unfortunately, they often feel that they are always screwing up and can never do anything right. This is demoralizing and sometimes humiliating for them. I think it that if possible, the kindest thing to do is to protect them from their own mistakes.
I agree Myrtle, and when he told me his condition was not permanent I told him that was good news and was so glad it was not permanent. It's difficult and I am still learning how to cope as far as his mean spirit and accusations. It can be very depressing at times since I do not have the support of his family it is definitely a struggle for me, but I keep reminding myself it is a disease and it is certainly not his fault! I do have my friends and family I can turn to which is a blessing!
It must be very hard to deal with a spouse who says mean things to you. Several people on this board have had that problem and they may have some suggestions on how to cope.
Your post brings back some very disturbing memories for me. I went through a period with my husband that was horrendous. The man who was always loving and respectful towards me turned monstrous. He yelled at me for everything I did or didn't do; blamed me for everything that wasn't to his liking; humiliated me in public; never could see that anything he did was wrong. I wrote multiple blogs about this - do a search on the home page under previous blogs. Type "anger" or look up the 2008 blogs. Eventually, this phase passed, and he became calm again, but it was an extremely stressful time.
All of my social workers advised me not to take it personally - that it was the disease talking, not Sid. Easier said than done, but that is the truth. They have completely lost reasoning, judgement, and reality.
My Kevan was a terror. He would scream and yell and swear at everyone, especial staff in stores, restaurants and PSW's. For years I was told how lazy, unkind, a lier, you name it I was totally stupid. Now I am a great caregiver and I am doing a great job. I am now all the things I wasn't for the last five years. We have no idea what has caused the change but it sure is easier. His memory is really very quickly deteriorating. He notices this change and now asks me what is happening to him. The staff at his LTC care have no trouble with him and tell me he is a wonder to them as he is so much fun to care for now. How many people do we see in the progression of this disease? You never know. I really like this new fellow I have now, more like my original husband of forty years. Will the other terror come back? Who knows!
Joang and Jazzy, thank you so much for your comments and I am so sorry you had to go through that period. Luckily it is not constant but has increased over the last couple of months. He also tells me I talk down to him but I'm not sure what that means unless it is when I am trying to explain things to him. Perhaps I am still trying to explain things instead of just giving short answers or letting go of my need to explain things to him! What a constant learning process it is! And I know it is more of training myself rather than anything else! hahaha
Waning Moon, you are right on about training yourself! They do the changing, we have to adapt...doesn;t seem fair, but that's the way it is. I wasted breath & energy trying to explain...took me a while to understand that it wasn't working. There seems to be a need in us (maybe) to try to explain, to try to make them understand so that everything will be all right. I think we do it more for ourselves than them....ain't gonna happen! Just brings more frustration for both.
Yes, Mim is right, like all stages, it will pass. My AD person hated me for a couple of years, for imposing limitations - you can't use a chainsaw, woodstove, kitchen range & other things I was told to restrict by Doctor. Had to remove guns (that he inherited and never used or cared about until he got paranoid and thought the neighbors dog was a "mad dog"). That got me a few months of post it notes all over the house about how I was violating his constitutional rights (after he saw a PBS program). He was angry at me all the time. I And later he became physically combative.It all got much better when the disease progressed and he went to long term care. It is hard to not take it personally. They are unable to understand or reason at all, like Joan said. It is hard to learn a completely new way of relating with someone who we had a mutual relationship with who just isn't there for us anymore. The path of least resistance is the one to practice, and responding with no argument. They just cannot be argued or reasoned with in any way, it only makes it worse. If your feelings are affected by the responses, best to process that here, with a friend, or a therapist, as they are no longer there for us or our feelings or able to adjust or moderate behavior. It is the disease, and whatever white lies you have to tell to avoid upset are fine.
My guy still try's to drop that " my rights are being violated" on me. I just say nothing and the visit ends until later. He is now giving me more permission to override his " rights" just lately. He just runs into to many problems trying things on his own. It changes as they advance.
Mariposa I just love your input above. You hit the nail on the head. It's just so hard to have any kind of firm plan when careing for them. It changes minute by minute.
Changing minute by minute is so true! I was just trying to explain that to a friend of mine who does not have anyone with Alz and she ask how I deal with it! haha I told her not well some days! and other days I can let it slide like water off a ducks back! My DH has not noticed that I have his guns locked up yet, but I'm sure that will become an issue at some time! I actually am wondering if my DH may be a bit bipolar because he certainly exhibits the behavior! He can be calm and sweet at one minute, then start stomping around cursing, opening drawers, slamming them shut and unable to tell me what he is looking for or why he is all of a sudden upset.
I think the hardest time for a person with dementia is when they are losing major abilities - even those that are "unaware" of their illness. It does change all the time. A few times the nursing home wanted to treat him with medication for a new behavior they worried about, but I hesitated, knowing the bad reaction he has had to so many medications, and also knowing that in time whatever the behavior is stops (and another appears). The last one was laughing hysterically at something sort of funny, and then it would turn into crying, sobbing, what seemed like extreme sadness, but that didn't happen often and after a couple of months it stopped completely. So I'm glad I resisted and he isn't still on a drug that was being marketed for that "condition".