Welcome June. Today hb is off to his day care today. He was so tired over the weekend I may have to drop Friday.
Today is forecast 93, tomorrow 90, then 105 for Sunday. Not looking forward to that but at least it is only for a couple days then back to the 90s.
So ticked at my friend Paula that use to live in the park and now lives nearby in one. She wanted to go over to her son's to get her pickup so had it all planned for Thursday. Now he son has said he will meet her at the pass (about half-way) on Sunday. It takes a lot of energy to get me psyched up to do trips. I called a dear old friend who lives not far from her son to make sure she would be home. If I am going to drive 200 miles I wanted to see her since we haven't in over 10 years. Paula says go ahead and go but that is a long way to go being closed up in the car with hb not to mention the cost (especially now that I have the frig repair to pay for). Hb won't remember about going, but I will feel bad and disappointed not going but don't want to do it either. Catch 22!
I have an expression of surprise that I have developed over the course of the past year. It is “gaak”, spoken in a a moderate to soft voice. It means “not what I expected, not what I wanted, how important is this in the great scheme of things anyway?” It is so much better than “what the h are you doing now” It covers everything from a canister filled with both water and home-made cookies (today) to a clogged toilet (this past Friday). Expression does not overly alarm my partner and gives me just the time I need to keep my emotions in check, sort of like swallowing what is about to erupt.
Well today, I said 'gaak' after a phone call from my MIL. She asked if I would invite my partner’s ex (and father of her son) to the birthday party I am holding for my partner and myself in a few weeks. Well her ex, and my own ex, were far distant history (like years and years) before we met. Neither has been part of our family or social life ever, nor, has either of us wished for or missed their presence. I said no. She went on a rant. He’s newly widowed. He’s feeling lonely. He doesn’t get to see the granddaughters often. It would be the Christian thing to do, but obviously there is no use talking to me. She had thought more of me than that.
I said “gaak”. This is not what I expected. This is not what I wanted. And this is a big deal in the scheme of things. Me, ‘not being Christian enough’ to suit her means she’s already invited him, right? Otherwise, no fuss.So, I’ve written my partner's ex a letter. It will be snail mail when I send it.
I’m sorry for his loss, I send prayers and good thoughts his way. I’m sure he know’s of partner’s dementia. She does not handle death well. Its always brand new news and tears her to pieces each time she learns of it.
Also partner floats in and out of time randomly, and I’m protective of her enough to not want her trying to figure out who she’s married to, and who she needs to go home with, especially at her own birthday party.
Request he refrain from attending party, if MIL has invited him, and I’m sure he can find another time and way to visit with his grandchildren. They are wonderful, beautiful, and good little people.
“Gaak” why me? How important is that question in the larger scheme of things?
When I was in the midst of caregiving, every event seemed magnified. I think you've handled this well.
Start with the reasons. You're protecting her which is good. It could easily be upsetting. These people aren't close in this way - this is about their loneliness.
MIL's reasons were kindly enough intended although perhaps she should take a sedative. And there are other times and ways to visit. You wrote him that including that you're sensitive to his situation too.
when someone tries to box you in with their views about morality. Or advice along the lines of "If you truly love your spouse, this is what you should do..." I wish you strength.
Hi Lindylou, Since I never had a mother-in-law, I have no advice for you. However, I know this would make me angry, since she is interfering in things that are none of her business and also playing the morality card when this has nothing to do with morality. "Gaak" is right.
Speaking of in-laws, my sister-in-law stopped by last week and I showed her my shed. She didn't seem to get the point of it. Then today a gardening friend stopped by and I showed her the shed and she seemed not to understand why anyone would do such a thing. However, there are other friends who love the idea and ask me to send them pictures. When I started to fix it up I did not know about the "she shed" thing. In fact, I had thought of making it into a cute potting shed/retreat years ago when we first got it. But my husband quickly filled it up with buckets of driveway sealer, bags of cement, and old window air conditioners so I forgot about the idea until now. It's odd what different people think of as fun.
The question, "how do things fit into the larger scheme of life?”, is one that fascinates me right now. I wish sometimes that I lived in the country so I could see the stars. I feel their distance and their brightness might help me sort things out.
Floating cookies? I will have to buy more ingredients and bake some more. They had a destination. But it is a task I enjoy. No harm at all, maybe some joy from the smell of chocolate and sugar and butter baking in the house.. Does not register a blip outside the house in the scheme of things.
Plugged toilet? Costly and immediate need for both plumber and cash that was designated for other purposes. In the scheme of things, plumber has another few dollars to spend, local restaurant a few less? Lindylou comes up with supper, or packs a picnic. No one goes hungry. And the few people she tells have an opportunity to offer sympathy. Maybe even this is a plus because I know people care.
Baby kitten found abandoned in the middle of a state park just before son's wedding? Don’t know how big a ripple this is yet, maybe never will. Coyote did not get supper. And I got a note from the no kill shelter that grey kitten is thriving and that they appreciate generous donation which will help their work.
Its like if there is a car accident - first question: is anyone hurt. No? Well everything else can be dealt with somehow with some inconvenience.
But this is only good as far as it goes, and not quite so simple.
Running constant interference is emotionally draining. Little deals become big simply by piling them on top of the other little deals.
MIL being self-centered? I’m wrestling with this one. She’s always been self-centered. Nothing new. I, on the other hand, have been the only in-law who has always gotten along with her. I truly do not want to throw monkey wrench in family dynamics. Her family needs me, I need them. But I’m still angry. Not a comfortable feeling.
Maybe I need to drive out to the countryside one evening and take a look at those stars.
Gaak indeed. You do not need the hassle on top of everything else. I'm glad you took the kitten to the shelter--I was wondering what happened to it. Hang in there, Lindylou.
Although grey Kitten is very real, Kitten’s story has been really symbolic for me. Spent a long time finding temporary home for Partner, and certainly enough time searching for a what I hope is only a temporary home for Kitten. Both Partner and Kitten knew in their heart of hearts they needed me to keep them safe. Even during my respite, there I was care giving. Got the thank you for donation note yesterday and was glad to hear Kitten is thriving. Was tempted to keep the cat when it began to purr on my chest, but I have allergies. Was glad I found a place that would accept it and promise to find it a a home. Was very glad shelter was not miles and miles away, because like partner's family not being able to care for her, there was no one in that park that would commit to taking over responsibility for this little grey kitten.
How anybody could turn their back on a stray kitten is just beyond me. You were in the right place at the right time, Lindylou. That was just meant to be. And you sound like a very kind and caring person. (But we knew that!)
Charlotte, I am reading that the triple digit heat is at the point where it's life-threatening. Are you and Art OK?
We only got to 96 yesterday. Today is forecast 103 - 91 right now. As long as the a/c keeps working we will be fine. It will keep it in the low 80s which is fine for me. I still use my little fan! Thankfully it is only suppose to be 3 days of over 100 unlike last summer when we had 3 weeks of it.
Last Wednesday I got a call from the nurse at the day care. She detected an irregular heartbeat with hb - wanted to know if it had happened before which not to my knowledge. They were suppose to check on Friday and let me know - heard nothing so assume nothing was detected. Then she brought up a couple other things which I replied: they are part of the disease.
I do enjoy my time when he is gone. It feels more like the other life when he went to work and I stayed home. I get more done when he is gone and feel like doing more.
He is getting to be costly. Had to go buy more clip-ons. He broke the pair I bought 6 weeks ago. He seems to be breaking or ruining a lot of things lately. I am going to have to take my social security soon if this keeps up. What keeps me from taking it is: I loose Medicaid; will have to pay a co-pay for the day care; and a few other things. Otherwise, my social security would mostly be used to pay for replacement of what we are getting now. Makes a lot of sense to me for $500 more a month.
Oh my goodness Charlotte, I think I melted a little when I read your expected temperatures!! That is much too warm for this gal...After 20 years of having no opening windows in the living room, I finally bit the bullet and had the 2 replaced in the living room and the window in front entry beside front door...Between the 3 of them I have now got windows opening to the north, south and east and I absolutely LOVE having a nice breeze coming through the house, so much better than air conditioning any day! I thought I was going to have a rescue myself today as there was a little bird in the backyard that just sat for the longest time, so long in fact I thought maybe it was hurt...so after I finished my coffee and getting dressed, I come downstairs only to find no little bird which is great cuz I wasn't too sure I could trust my cat to play nice...well actually I knew she wouldn't play nice, so just happy the little feathered friend made a getaway...now I just get to watch the wild rabbits that grace the neighbourhood, well actually that's not totally true...One day last week I was up at 5 am (ugh) and while having my coffee in the living room I noticed another critter in the backyard waddling across...Now I like most critters but I really do not want to see that skunk again!!! OY! Our weather has been very pleasant, for me at least, low to mid 70's and breezy...just the perfect kind of weather to sit on the front step and enjoy...except for the recent explosion of forest tent caterpillars! Personally I prefer to sit on my front step when it doesn't appear to be moving, or should I say crawling lol...I think I'll enjoy the breezes through the new windows from inside the house...Sometimes it's just the simple things that make for a good day!
Wow, 103. Here it is 69 right now---going up to 75--and I am sitting on the screened porch for that daily cup of coffee before the "real" day starts. I had forgotten how so many things became damaged or broken as Al Z. Heimer encroached. Eyeglasses, rosary beads...he would sometimes water the plants and not realize he was overflowing water all over the wood furniture. Sigh.
When to take social security is a whole different subject. Just be careful, Charlotte. Whatever you do, you want to do what is best for the long haul and maximize the benefits as best you can. Remember that some of the rules just changed, and I believe some of the advantageous strategies for spouses have just been taken away.
What a week it has been. The freezer is not getting cold enough but thankfully the frig is. He called the factory and will be over tonight (in about an hour) to check out a couple things. I should have gone with my gut feeling and bought a new frig instead of replacing the cooling unit. The weather has been nice - only in the 80s but next week is suppose to be in the 90s so I want it working right by then. Someone else in the park had a similar problem a few years ago when their cooling unit was replaced. Turned out movement of the frig being removed caused the old insulation to disintegrate.
Yesterday was suppose to do the Hanford Reactor B tour with my younger brother and sister. A week ago my brother (who is the one that lives with our oldest sister who has VaD/AD) misunderstood something - got nasty and angry with me. We were suppose to take him back home so we could get our daughter's junk stored there at my sister's, but decided I can't deal with him right now. Also it would eliminate my younger sister from having to drive that extra distance to take him home. Well, they parked at a county park cause it is a lot cheaper than where we live. When I got there Sunday evening to visit, as he walked away he yelled he misunderstood and was sorry. On the drive home I decided we would not go on the tour. My brother has been looking forward to it for years. I did not want my presence to take away his enjoyment of the tour. I told my sister this is his break from the stress of being there for our sister. I won't add to his stress. As a result didn't go as planned with us three siblings hanging out. That is fine - a lot less stress for me to. They enjoyed the tour and that is what was important.
Adult day services nurse called to let me know that every day he has been there this last month hb has had an 'irregular irregular' heartbeat. A couple weeks ago the other nurse called to tell me and since he had no history of it, they were going to check and let me know. Evidently they had been trying to get a hold of his VA doctor to see if it was in his records but never could get through the hold time. I did and they want to give me an appointment the end of July since his PA will be gone the rest of this month. The nurse said if it was a regular irregular heartbeat they would not be concerned, but they feel the irregular irregular should be checked out. When they said the end of July I brought up it was the irregular irregular so he has an appointment next week to at least get an EKG done. His cholesterol is fine but his triglycerides are high due to all the hard candy he eats, so don't know if that could be causing it. Time will tell.
Needless to say with what has gone on with my brother has left me quite emotional the last week. Last Thursday hb paid the price of my bad mood by him loosing it. That scared me into getting it together. Friday he didn't question going to day care. In fact, the nurse was telling me they really enjoy him. He is very social and keeps them all laughing. So he is enjoying himself even though he can't remember. I know he starts in with the driver when they pick him up and is cracking the driver up when they drop him off.
I should have turned the ligjt off an hour ago but I could not bear to end this lovely evening. Temp is 60 degrees F, humidity is low, and the neighborhood is absolutely still. There are 6 windows in my bedroom and 5 of them are open.
Another beautiful summer night. 60 degrees F with dewpoint in the 40s. A little like Fall. My orange cat loves the open windows.
Went to see my husband tonight. Planned to take him for a ride or a walk but he did not feel like going anywhere so I just rubbed his back and told him what I always do - that he is "my favorite person." As always, he smiled and said, "I know."
And now a cool, peaceful summer morning. French vanilla coffee on the screened porch, rabbit grazing out in the yard, squirrel leaping from tree to tree--Bandit still asleep for another half hour or so. As my friend William Butler Yeats would put it, "And I shall find some peace there--For peace comes dropping slow--Dropping from the veils of the morning--To where the cricket sings." Well, no crickets at the moment, here in my "small cabin of clay and wattles made" in the "bee-loud glade." Good morning, all.
Charlotte, I know it might hurt to see our spouse appearing to make more of an effort or be more outgoing when we the caregiver are the one that could really use that kind of effort around us to help keep going. We've noticed that with Jazzy's husband for example. Hang in there. I continue to hope that you catch a big and good break somewhere because you have earned one.
It's a beautiful, sunny day here in Maine. As I sit at my computer, I'm entertained by lots of activity at the bird feeder outside my window: 2 male goldfinches on feeder, male cardinal and male blue jay have just left, and on the ground under the feeder are a red squirrel, chipmunk, mourning dove and song sparrow. The squirrel likes to get onto the feeder for easier pickings. He climbs up the pole. I tried greasing the pole with vaseline. This worked for a while and was fun to watch him go up a ways and then slide back down, but I have given up as it doesn't last long enough.
It's a beautiful, sunny day here in Ontario too. This has been a great weekend for working people at our latitude, Marsh, where we know those are precious. When I was a caregiver I hardly noticed entire years and felt nothing about weather. When you live in the snow belts summer weather comes and goes and this year I can see it and feel it more than I have in a long time. I've always liked nature and it's genuine, simple things like stepping outside in bare feet and shorts and watering my flowers where somehow I got those flowers in every year and this year felt like a chore too - but, I can feel and appreciate that it's a nice day more intimately and naturally than I have in a long time and I can't express how I important to me things like that are right now.