My DH has been ornery and nasty with me ever since I've known him. He's very controlling, and tries to keep me in line with his aggression, which is verbal, emotional, and physical. This is a second marriage, 20 years long. He's 78; I'm 68. He's Type II diabetic, insulin dependent.
Since his aggressiveness has been going on for this long, and with his now sometimes lapses in memory and some disorientation at times, I'm wondering about his years of ugliness towards me. Did he perhaps have a dementia going on that long? As I mentioned in another thread, his MRI done recently showed nothing, so he hasn't been diagnosed.
His controlling personality, with his rages and temper outbursts when you don't meet his expectations, have been in his first marriage, plus in his 5-year relationship with a woman prior to his marriage to me. So I feel this is his basic personality. I really don't think he had dementia that long ago. I feel that he's just plain mean tempered.
To elaborate: I know I should have left early on. Didn't. Kept trying to get through to him, that he was hurting me, and hoping he would change. They don't. Hindsight. Yuck.
Hanging On, if you have read our discussions, you should have noted that whatever their behaviorial pattern was prior to AD, intensifies as the disease progresses. You will be facing rough seas ahead - and will need protection in place until you can get medications for him, which, from what you are saying, are not available to him due to his not as yet being dianosed. You are truly at the "rock and a hard place" location and it will get worse.
Can you possibly video some of his outbursts and show him so that he can see how he comes across to you? You will also have to do something in order to make sure that he doesn't harm you.
Hanging on- i guess you can expect comments about the reasoning of your staying with a person who you know has these unhealthy aspects to his personality? most of us here who care for AD spouses, have come to realize it takes a VERY solid, committed and loving attitude to care for a spouse who will need assistance with daily care from here on out after diagnosis. i wont ask why you married him as it seems you had your reasons even though his attitude toward you has always been such. the present is you have a disturbing physical/emotional relationship at hand along with dementia that will test you to the core with patience and endurance. if your marriage with your husband isnt very strong now at the onset, it will be very hard to get thru what lies ahead in the AD journey. the only reason i have to be caring for my DH today so many yrs into this horrid disease is we had a very solid and loving partnership prior to AD. in answer to your question none of us can really know if it was early AD or just a vicious personality lurking these yrs. it may be both. remember in AD, what type of personality the victim had PRIOR to AD usually is magnified during AD. this could mean you are in for some nastier sides in the future. you name is telling me, you are hanging on, literally, and should try to rethink exactly your situation and the alternatives? good luck, divvi
Thank you, Divvi. Yes, it's basically a vicious controlling personality I'm dealing with. I know he's one step away from saying again that he's going to leave and going for a divorce, in the next fight. In comments I've read on other threads, with people who are also dealing with a bad relationship that began before the dementia kicked in, they also say it's hard to think about staying the course, since they didn't have a good marriage to begin with. Nor did I. So, Yes, it's so hard to think about what I have in front of me, if in fact he does have dementia coming on. I don't have the basic good marriage from early on to comfort me in those hard times that may be coming. I really want to run away. But at my age, economic circumstances are holding me here.
Hi Hanging On, my husband was also the controlling type and verbally abusive until recently when the AD reduced his speech and he basically has withdrawn. He was also a woman chaser early on in our marriage, he had an affair and we had split up for two years. We did manage to work things out and he was trying his best to change, then the devil arrived in the form of AD just shortly after we got back together. We have been together 30 years and just when things were becoming good, this happened. He has totally changed personality on me, vacant most of the time. For most of the last 5 years I have been battling life on my own with a 68 child in tow. I also have major health problems which prevent me from working and not being able to afford paid help, I do what I can for him. Our income is his s.s. and his pension. It doesn't leave much. I am only 52 and feel trapped. I love him, but I am not in love with this other person. But I am here and this is how it is until his time comes. His children stopped calling when phone calls became impossiable due to his speech, no cards, no letters. Their Dad is gone to them. Yes, its so hard to think about what is ahead. I have lost the comfort of the good times we had, they feel foreign to me now. I will do what I can for him until a way comes to handle this better.I wish you luck with this road, you are not alone.
Thanks, Magnoliarose. It sounds much like my marriage, in the early times. He cheated on me, too, as he did on his first wife. I sure know how to pick 'em, don't I!!
I think it would probably be easier if he did get to the withdrawn stage. At least, I wouldn't have to listen to the verbal abuse. I read on another thread earlier that the writer said it had gotten easier for her then. I'm not minimalizing the other aspects of caretaking in a dementia person, however. I know that all stages are hard.
I hope for much strength for you. You will be in my prayers.
And you too in my prayers. Its so hard when there was some good things to love about him, but right now I do not feel connected to this marriage. I never miss the abuse, the names,the control he had. I am back with my family now, he had tried his best to distance me from them for years. I put the house in my name when we moved here, since I more than paid for it. At least I feel something is mine. He hasn't drove in years, he hasn't helped with keeping the house up. Hes like company that never leaves. Its sad. I really thought that we had gotten it together. I had began to dream again. Now my dreams are of my life on my own. What I can do when I can get out of this prison. I don't know if I will ever be able to be involved with someone again. Right now I am thinking about a long hot bath,a cold margarita and some soft music,of course candlelight. Just need any escape that I can find. I am a strong person, I have had to be. But there are times, despite my faith in God that I feel like a little girl who just wants to break down and cry. Sometimes I just want to go set on the beach and watch the sunrise all by myself, without having to ever look over my shoulder to see where he wandered off to. Today I go back to my doc and I am going to ask for anxiety meds. Also something to settle the always present lump in my stomach, have lost most of my appetite. Have lost 50 pounds since this journey started, well, I needed to lose it anyway,but maybe not this way. Keep strong,but lets take care of that little girl in all of us.
I sense and hear a very strong woman in you, magnoliarose. What you wrote above could have been me writing that. It sounds like your DH was very controlling early on. That is so hard. Go over to drirene.com and read that site, particularly The Catbox. It's excellent on abusive marriages/relationships. That site, and this one, are my mainstays. Yes, let's take care of our little girl in there. The margarita sounds good, too!!!
Wow..this all sounds so familiar. My former husband was very controlling and abusive and ill for 10 years. My present husband has AD and does have outbursts. He had them before the AD also. Last year before the Dx from a Dr and medication. when I was the only one that really knew he probably had AD, he had many hateful, hurtful outburst and kept telling me he was going to leave me. My major mistake is that I didn't pack for him and send him away. I really don't want or need a second major illness in my life from another husband that can be verbally abusive even though he is ill. He also has major heart problems. So glad to find people that can relate.
I don't have your situations. I can't understand and I know I can't. But I do have a few questions.
What is the worst thing that would happen if he did leave? Or if you did?
What is the worst thing that would happen if he stays? Or if you do?
Don't answer me, but do think about it. I dealt with violence ONCE. Scared the living daylights out of me. Took hours for my blood pressure to go back down to nearly normal. If they are controlling and abusive now, they will be violent later.
Hi JudithKB--I'm so glad you understand this type of person, and that you can relate. I listened hard when you said above, "My major mistake is that I didn't pack for him and send him away." You are so right. I know my DH's next outburst is just around the corner. He cycles, as does all abusers. This honeymoon phase will be coming to an end, as it always does. Then he will once again rage and threaten to leave me and get a divorce. I want to let him go. So much. It's the financial side of things that keeps me in here. And if he does progress into dementia, or already has it but is not Dx, it's going to be so hard to know that I could have gotten out and didn't take the opportunity. Sigh.
Have read you discussion and feel like I can add my 2 cents for whatever it is worth. My DH and I have been married for 25 years this year and we have been dealing with his AZ for about 5 years (+). He too was a controlling husband and I suffered much of the verbal abuse and threats of divorce for years. His verbal abuse turned to physical several years ago (with pushing and shoving) and then with help from the DR. and meds, he settled down somewhat (not the verbal part). In June, I placed him in a memory care facility because the abuse turned to a LOT of anger and agression and I feared for my own safety as well as his.
Please seek help with your Dr. for medication for him for it will only get worse. I am not an advocate for divorce but do feel that sometimes it is the correct answer when abuse is involved - I know, my first husband was verbally, mentally and physically abusive and I finally divorced him after 17 years.
The journey through life is hard enough without the bruises to our bodies and souls. God bless you.
Hanging On: The age factors of the CG and their spouses as well as financial considerations make a major difference in whether they can and/or must continue in the relationship. I think my DH knows even though he has AD that if he gets too out of control I will take him back to Illinois where his children are and where we lived before he retired and we moved to Ca. I have told him in a very calm controlled way that I cannot handle the verbal abuse and outburst and I know he understands that I can't and won't. A couple of weeks ago when he had a "spell" it took me almost 4 days to recover mentally and I went to our family Dr. The Dr. told me that my health and well being was the major consideration because my DH could not be cured and would do nothing but get worse and that I should do whatever I needed to do to protect my health and well being. This week he has been very mild but more forgetful. His memory is really getting bad. I try to enjoy these mild moods because I know it is the calm before the next storm.
Your doctor said pretty much what ours said. Taking care of myself was of utmost importance because I would not be of much use to him if I got down. Fortunately my husband's family is nearby and have their total support. I am very close to his daughter and we truly enjoy each others company which has helped me through the emotional ups and downs with this dreadful, dreadful disease.
Hanging on-do you have children. How old are they. Are they yours, his or joint. Nothing you can do will change the course of the disease. All that can happen is that it will take you too. Of course finances and children may be an issue. We'll be here for youl bluedaze in Florida
Yes, I have a boy and a girl, and grandchildren. Both of my kids want me out of this marriage, although my daughter is against divorce. DH also has kids, all grown. They don't like him.
My doctor also has told me many times to get out of this marriage, that it will impact my health. A couple of months ago I met with her and told her the latest, and she once again lectured me about getting out. DH and I have the same doctor, so she sees him, too. She is very aware of how he is, although he doesn't act out around her. She believes me, and validates me. She's a great woman and friend.
Gay, I will get the police involved if he gets physical with me again. If he gets Dx and continues the abuse, I will place him if I have to, to protect myself.
Thank you, bluedaze. I appreciate you all being here for me so much!
Hanging on - another piece of advice if you aren't on overload. Inform the police of possible violence on the part of your husband. I was scared to death and called the police. Husband was able to convince them it was a marital dispute and they left. So did I. I spend the night with a friend and he never even knew I was gone.
Thanks, bluedaze. I have done that, in that I went there w/o DH's knowing and talked to a victim's advocate. If DH acts out physically or threatens me again, I will dial 911. That in itself will end the marriage. In his eyes, I will be the devil.
I hope I'm not butting in here, but I was told years ago to never make an empty threat. If you tell him the next time he abuses you, you will take him back to his family, then you must be willing to do just that. Otherwise you lose your credibility and with whatever 'smarts' he has, he will know you won't do it.
I've never been in your situation but my mother was. Dad was an abusive alcoholic. She gave him chance after chance. One night he lost it and went after my little brother. He was 6 at the time and I was 7. That did it. She filed for divorce the very next morning. She received no child support, no settlement of any kind, or any spousal support. She did it all by herself for 10 years. (That was 70 years ago and times have changed.)
Then, believe it or not, he came back. He'd reformed. They remarried when I was 18. The marriage lasted 7 years and by golly, he did it again. She gave him several more chances and one night he went after physically again and the next moring, she filed for divorce. I guess she mean what she said.
Not being you and not knowing what I'm talking about, I suggest that after you make a record with the police, you contact an attorney and get the ball rolling as far as finances are. You are his wife and are entitled to half of the marriage property. I'd make sure that is done BEFORE he buries the stuff which might prevent you from getting your share.
If he does have AD, he is old enough for Medicare and you may be able to place him especially if your physical well-being is involved. you may need a court order. And there are attorneys that work for the state.
You've received a lot of information but hopefully you will be able to find a quiet place to sit, a nice cold 'whatever' and some peaceful music (and the candles) to sooth you. Then perhaps you wil be able to sort through all of this 'well-intended' advice .
Lynn only got aggressive after he had Alzheimer's and then severe sundowning. Before that he was as gentle as a lamb. I was his princess and he showed me every day how much he loved me. Now on the seroquel, he is back to his ol self. So, I can't relate to what you are going through, but my heart breaks for you and I wanted to offer you my support. I have been thinking about it, and I can't honestly say if I would stay if the marriage wasn't a good one. It is the love we shared all those years that sustains me through the hell of this disease. God bless you all in your journeys ~Nikki
Hangin on-what our Nikki said is pearls of wisdom. If you can't fall back on the good stuff of a marriage you won't have anything to sustain you through this hell.
Hanging on, can you be more specific about why you are staying? I am personally trying now to find a quicky divorce in States that don't require a six months wait.
Thank you all so much for your advice and support. I means so much to me.
Kitty, I'm staying for financial reasons. I must use financial wisdom in making a decision, taking everything into consideration, such as his age, health issues with the diabetes, and my age and losing my secondary health insurance if I divorce him. However, if he does do any more physical abuse or makes any more threats to me, I will dial 911. I'm much stronger now than I was, and I will take the steps to divorce him if I have to. I'm just trying to hunker down and get through this. But I may not be able to pull that off, if he gets physical or threatening again.
Many years ago when I was younger and more idealistic a lawyer spoke to a group of women. He stressed the need for financial Independence. He felt we should have our own checking accounts and charge cards. We laughed at him. Divorce was just a word to us. We would all have a house with a white picket fence, two beautiful children, a dog and a cat. We would grow old together and gently fade into the sunset. I raised my girls to think for themselves and manage their own finances. Hopefully this younger and braver generation will not find themselves as codependent as we are.
I am staying because I feel an obligation as his wife and I also enjoy the company of my DH when he isn't having a bad mood swing. We have traveled together and he loves to dance and eat out just as I do. After coming out of one abusive marriage to have someone that gave me my space to do anything I wanted, helped with the housework, let me buy anything I wanted if we could afford it, took me many places and kept me young for over 10 years I feel a very strong commitment to him, if not love. I would miss him so much if I had to take him back to Illinois and I would only do so if he became uncontrollable or I felt really, really threatened. He has so many wonderful qualities and he is trying so hard to please me and "be good". I fear that since I am 13 years older then he is that it is also my obligation to have him in a safe place before I can no longer care for him. This problem weighs heavy on my mind.
He knows I am not bluffing when I tell him I can not handle or cope with rages. It probably would be the most difficult thing I ever had to do, but I would have to do it for my own health. Our home is in my name only and not part of community property that I obtained from my previous divorce. I also have my own pension and ss and other assets so I am grateful that I don't have to worry about money like Hanging On has to.
Kitty, could you go to Vegas for a quickie divorce??
Hanging on, is there a way you can try to start 'paying' yourself something out of the monthly expense to take care of him?? you need to setup some monies for 'just in case'. dont learn the hard way -like lots of us-me, i left my second husband flat out after 18yrs left with my clothes, son, and had to be quite sneaky about it as i was living in a foreign country and the laws didnt favor women! i wouldt have beena ble to if i hadnt put away my 'stash' -i had about 60k saved up.. have be prepared and have some cash on hand for an emergency! divvi
haha... i can tell you I have had LOTS of exciting times with my marriages:) it was quite a good life during all of them and my last DH was quite older than myself VERY wealthy,and quite controlling and from turkey. YIPES! does this tell you anything?? i had carte blanche for anything i wanted except to leave or divorce unless i had his approval. not a good thing i learned after many yrs of living in luxury freedom does not come with a price- he kidnapped my son when he found out i was leaving and opened the safety box and took everything i had accumulated which was lots of trinkets - it does sound quite like a movie. kinda like the Without my daughter one with sally field,?? ha. i came back to the states and filed for divorce here. and he had a super atty to fight it and would sign the papers for 4yrs. i finally got the divorce as my Dh got it done before we married-! this is my 3rd and my last i do think:) this guy is the love of my life -but i wouldnt risk being cargiver again for anyone!!!!!!!!!! divvi
JudithKB, Do you know anything about it? I read today you have to stay 6 weeks in Nevada & have someone testify that you have beenthere 6 weeks. Seems Alaska, CA, & Guam require no residency. I'm a newbie to all this.
No, Kitty I don't really know anything about it. But, I have been told by others that the six weeks thing is a joke. You go there and leave and come back a couple of times during the six weeks. If your DH doesn't contest it probably wouldn't be a problem. If he wanted to contest he would have to get an attorney in Nevada. You might want to research for free advice from a Nevada attorney. Keep in mind that an attorney can't tell you to do something illegal so word your questions right. Example: You have a sick mother that you have to return to your home to check on during the six weeks, would that be permitted? He will know what you mean and won't ask any questions he doesn't want to hear the answers to.
kitty, check out whats called Durational Residency by State, with regards to divorce residency law, Sdakota and Washington have NO set time provisions for divorce,:) alaska 30day/nevada-idaho-6wks//kansas arkansas 60days/all the others ar 60days to 1yr.. you may need to move to one of these to proceed and get it in the works asap. divvi
Only three states -- Alaska, South Dakota and Washington -- have no statutory requirement for resident status.
If one spouse meets the residency requirement of a state or country, a divorce obtained there is valid, even if the other spouse lives somewhere else. The courts of all states will recognize the divorce.
Any decisions that court makes regarding property division, alimony, custody and child support, however, may not be valid unless the nonresident spouse consented to the jurisdiction of the court. This can happen if the nonresident spouse shows up at a court date or signs an affidavit of service, acknowledging receipt of the filed legal documents. It can also happen if the nonresident spouse abides by the rulings of the court, for example by paying court-ordered child support.