Hello everyone. Since my husband's death last week I have received emails from two "friends" of long ago. The type we discuss here often that abandon us when Alzheimers/dementia make it's entry.
These people learned of Duncan's death through the obit in the newspaper.
They are writing how much they have missed me and wished they had done more when Duncan was alive. Lets get together for wine and a catch up.
I find these kinds of notes awful. I am in the early stages of grieving the death of Duncan. These friends were not part of the last several years. Never heard from them since they decided they had enough of my concern, anguish, and the changes they saw in Duncan.
I don't want to connect with them and am not sure of the wording. Any suggestions you have will be most gratefully received.
I would not respond at all. My understanding of bereavement etiquette of is that, unlike flowers or charitable contributions (for which a thank-you note should be written), sympathy notes do not need to be acknowledged. I would follow that rule and just ignore them. If the person calls you later or you run into them somewhere, you can just thank them for the lovely card. If they suggest getting together, just beg off and say maybe someday. You don't need this.
I would be perfectly honest and tell them exactly how you feel as you've stated here. You may tell them that you valued their friendship while you had it and you regret having lost it........The moving finger writes and having writ moves on. .......................Nor all thy tears and piety can call it back to cancel half a line. ....................... Nor all thy tears wash out a word of it........Omar Khayyam
I'm sure that your friends never meant to desert you and probably felt there was nothing they could do to help you. By being honest with them you may teach them something of value.
So many wonderful and well meaning friends are just unaware of Alzheimer's and caregiving. And they are frightened to death of it and don't know what to do when it happens to a friend.
Thank you Katherine, for asking for my opinion...........GeorgieBoy
Thank you for your letter. I hope you'll understand when I say that I'm not ready for something like this yet. I appreciate your offer though.
.........
Katherine,
Try not to cut off any connections during this time. You will likely feel different next year and this is a difficult time to go through let alone to make decisions in.
I would not believe me if I were you a week later; but, it's very likely you will change quite a bit. You can still then tell the trolls to sell stupid elsewhere.
I think it's adorable how they come out from the woods after the thing is safely gone.
Thank you sincerely myrtle, GeorgieBoy, and Wolf. Great ideas and I will utilize them all.
It is such a tender time and I need to go gently and surround myself with the few people who hung in with this journey. I am permanently wounded by some of the people now coming forward. I can't go there and you have given me great options rather than "no thank you."
I have one more thought about this that I can't quit thinking about. Before this Alzheimer's stuff hit Helen and I, we knew nothing about what it would be like to experience it.
Now if the situation was reversed and our friends were the ones who suffered from this horrible disease, I think we would have reacted as they did and they would have felt we deserted them.
George, I like the quote from Omar Khayyam. I also kind of agree with your above comment about the reverse situation. I hate to admit it, but I've never been very good around people who are desperately or terminally ill. I just choke up, can't find the right words to offer, so I tend to avoid those situations. I guess sometimes we have to try to see things from "the other side", difficult though it is.
There is a lady in the park with rheumatoid arthritis. Her hands and feet are pretty knarled but she still keeps trekking, in fact she just got a new puppy. Her other dog, a service dog, is getting old and just had a scare with the dogs health making her realize how lonely she would be without a dog. Anyway, we were talking the other night and she was asking how I get her neighbor to talk to me. I guess her husband talks with 'S' but the wife won't. We only talk dogs so maybe that is why. Anyway, I told 'S' maybe she is uncomfortable with her illness so stays away. I told her many people will. I was too chicken to admit early on here I too avoided her too. In this park, dogs bring people together!! I am as guilty as the next person of avoided people with illnesses. When I was a child a girlfriend had a brother that was retarded. One day out of the blue he came up and started to joke me. His mom had a horrible time getting him to let go. I think that is the root of some of it but that is still no excuse.