So much for nice peace and quiet. That lasted just short of three weeks.
He wants to come home for week ends again!!
A guest at the residence was gracious enough to inform my DH that he couldn't see why my DH was living there. He went on about he couldn't see anything wrong with him. What is wrong with these people who seem to have all if a sudden become Doctors and know it all. DH is is very friendly and is very much a butinski. He just steps in and takes over helping where he should not. Now what do I do? He is back at the place where he thinks there is nothing wrong with him and he should come home. If these people can see it why can't the Dr.'s where he lives? If I could get my hands on that man I would.....!! I don't know what to do now!!
Do not take him home. Come up with excuses. I am sure this will pass. Alert the staff about the situation. Of course they won't know who said this to him. If your husband gets insistent you may want to visit less.
I've had hospital staff say this to my wife. Glad a nurse witness my wife insist that she saw our son at the hospital and heard me say he wasn't even in the same state.
I also see my wife return to her old demands (wants me to start bringing her lots of food) but it is clear that she would ignore the food after I left. So I make excuses and delay and she usually backs off by the next visit. Though some obsessions last much longer.
Just keep doing what you are doing. Remember, he has the dementia, not you. You do not have to bring him home for visits, and you and the health care team know why.
It used to just make me stark, staring insane when well-meaning people would say, "But he looks fine to me." Yeah, right.
Ya, he looks fine to you but you don't live with him is always my response. So far it works. In your case a response (if you feel the need which you really don't owe anyone a response) you might say something like 'ask the nurses when he has a bad day if he is fine'.
I agree, do not even entertain bringing him home to visit. Nice thing is, this will pass.
It passed. Brought him home, put him to work. Sat and watched TV. Told him all the jobs I need to do. Showed him that he would have to sleep in the living room on the couch with no door. He likes to sleep in and I am up at 06:30. He decided that the living room looks just fine without a couch and that I should go ahead and do the work and hire a handyman. There Not enough activities for him each day. So has decided to stay where he is and not listen to these people. Just walk away. His memory is getting really hard for him and he is very tired all the time.
We did decide not to bring him home but I was desperate to turn this around and so I brought him here hoping if there was lots of work and no activity that he would decide he was better off there and it worked. I don't know what to do next. He feels that going to MacDonald's is the best thing for him not my home. This happens every time some uneducated visitor tells him they don't know why he is there. That he is fine. I fully expect that this will be a problem again and again for sometime yet.
Jazzy, If you know this may come up again. And you and his care team know it is not good for him or you for him to go home. The next time this happens, just tell him you are working on it. But do not take him home. Just let him think you are doing something about it. Give no details, just leave it at that. He is sick and can't make good decisions, so it is up to you to do it for him. You are being a great caregiver for him. I know this is so hard. Stay strong, and don't let others make you do things you don't want to do. I know this is not easy.
I question whether these ideas are originating with visitors, rather than with Kevan. There are about 300 residents of my husband's LTC facility and many of them are high functioning. But I can't imagine that strangers would regularly butt in and tell them there is nothing wrong with them and they shouldn't be living there. Anyone with any sense at all knows that if someone is living in that facility, there is a reason for it, whether mental or physical. Are you sure that these "uneducated visitors" actually exist? And, if they do, that Kevan is accurately reporting what they said? Or could it be that Kevan is asking visitors to compliment him on his abilities and they agree out of politeness?
They are not his made up folks. This has happened with new nurses and PSW's. Management straightened that out real fast. He presents very high level but his memory and behaviour is the problem. If you met him you would think, as they do, that there is nothing wrong with him, but do or say something he doesn't like and he is off. He says he has no control when it happens and it will get real bad. I would never question a resident about their need to be there. First it is not my business and secondly there is a reason they are there. People just don't think.
As if someone would want to be there voluntarily with nothing wrong with them! I know Kevan and I think Paulc's wife both wanted to go but it was because they knew something was wrong and it was best for them which is totally different.
I wouldn't say my wife wanted to go, but she accepted the need to go. And it took a year for her to accept staying at her current facility (I think this was a result of time, med changes and deterioration of her condition). We've had the same problem (people telling her that they didn't think she belonged there) but this has been rare and at times this was her misinterpreting what someone told her. Had many conversations about this subject with staff in her first 6 months at current ALF and it was almost always L hearing what wasn't said.