My partner and I still eat out. Frequently it is just the two of us - we have several restaurants we go to - in the summer we eat out at a botanical garden, in the winter we go to a restaurant on a day when they have music of the Frank Sinatra and Barbara Streisand era. More for the music and ambiance in both cases. But we also go out with friends and family. Since Christmas my partner has had increased difficulty eating in ways considered appropriate. I just fix things - cut her meat, take tails off shrimp, gently take the knife she is using instead of a fork and replace it, intervene if she is going to pour a beverage on her plate. I let conversation flow around us and no one at any point has said anything, and only poked me if they see a need for my intervention.
My question is, is it time to stop eating out? Are others embarrassed for her, or me, or themselves and too polite to tell me. Going out to eat with friends is something I enjoy tremendously, but I can’t go alone at this point. Partner and I are more or less joined at the hip. Have to say, my partner is not annoyed at my interventions.
It sounds like everyone is having a good time, and I would continue. The fact that others are poking you to intervene, if necessary, means to me that they are with you both in comradeship and want it to continue.
Hi Lindylou, dining out with my DH is one of the things I miss most, especially as we had a 'date night' every Friday.....I still haven't gone back to a couple of our favourite spots and don't think I could on my own. I continued to take him out right up to when he entered care and other than having to order for him and perhaps cut up meat, as you say, I'm sure we appeared fairly normal. Of course, conversation was minimal and towards the end I probably did it more for myself than anything, so I would say continue as long as you are comfortable . Great that you have the support of friends and family. I still go out with friends and family as well, but with family it has to be to a 'grandchild appropriate' restaurant. Good luck.
Before my husband went into LTC, we went out to eat about once a week. We started out at regular restaurants, switched to casual dining family restaurants (like the 99), but they got to be too busy for my husband and the servers were not very good with him. At the end we would go to a local pub (bar on one side, tables on the other). It was kind of a dive but it had an older clientele for dinner and the servers were great - they got to know us well and seemed to anticipate out needs. I really enjoyed not having to fix meals (he was our family cook) and he enjoyed the special feeling of being out. I would not take him out now because even though he usually can feed himself, sometime he needs to be spoon-fed and I think it attracts too much attention to feed an adult by hand. Also, unless there is a single-stall unisex restroom, we would have a problem if he needed my help in the bathroom.
If I were you, I would continue going out to dinner for as long as you can. You are lucky to have friends and family to help you.
Yes, continue going as long as you can. It sounds as if the friends still understand and are supportive. I think you will know when it is time to stop the eating out, or at least only take her to certain places...or perhaps have meals or just coffee and dessert with friends or family at home. I think it is about her dignity as much as anything else.
Larry and I went out fairly often, and I still remember with a smile our last "real" meal in a "real" restaurant. There is a pre-Revolutionary old stone house (built by the Dutch) in my old town in NY, that was actually burned by the British in 1775 or whatever...but was repaired and continued as a family home for many years. It has been a restaurant for a long time, and we used to eat there a lot. It is pleasant and homey with a lot of atmosphere--filled with antiques and all that--just five minutes from our old house. So for our last "date" we went in there a little early for dinner, as I knew a crowd would be too overwhelming, and wanted a quiet meal. We were seated at a table for two right in front of the fireplace--it was a cold winter day. We almost but not quite had the place to ourselves. The servers were kind and attentive, and Larry and I had a nice talk over dinner. (Not that it made a lot of sense, but it was a nice, ditsy talk.) I was left with a wonderful memory of a pleasant meal in a very romantic atmosphere--just the two of us in front of the fire in that old Revolutionary room. I didn't dare try it again though--knew I was pushing my luck.
If you are concerned about your friends, talk to them. Find out how they are with the situation. I enjoy going out with Kevan. I order what I want and most of the time he orders the same because he can't d vide anymore. I don't have to intevene yet but he gets upset if service is slow. He gets very good service in residence so expects the same in restaurants. I may not be able to take him out much anymore as he gets aggressive ( verbally) if things don't go his way or if he hears bad language. Have fun while you still can.
Thank you for all your stories and advice. I believe we will continue doing just what we've been doing, and life will inform us when to stop. Hopefully we will be able to continue dining out on our own, and with friends and family, for a while longer.
I sometimes feel as if we are doing things "for the last time". We celebrated our ninth wedding anniversary last September, holding a barbecue in the back yard for about 40 friends and family. I knew it would be the last such event, we could not wait for our "tenth" and so did not. She bore up like a trooper. Everyone knew of her memory issues and was totally supportive of her. The husband of one of her high school friends held her arm steady and helped her through the crowd and kept her from tripping on the grass. Bless him. And my partner truly did have a good time. Everyone gave her gentle hugs and made no demands on her.
We held Christmas for family this year at our house, but that too will be a "last time". I took he hand and led her to bed after the meal when it became obvious how much the crowd was exhausting her.
And now, just one month past Christmas later her response to confusion is anger. So small groups of understanding people we can tolerate. And restaurants with quiet ambiance. For a while anyway. Excuse me. I'm crying now.
Hi All, I took Jazzy’s idea and informed the hosts of a recent dinner party we were invited to of what my partner’s issues were. They already knew of her dementia, told us they would forewarn the other guests, and welcomed us anyway. Things went smoothly enough, but the confusion became too much and we left before her anxiety became too great, skipping dessert. So….. no more large group meals.
We had a couple over for supper last night, and it was wonderful. They too knew of her dementia and handled it differently. The husband watched intently as I quietly intervened to assist my partner deal with things like forks, knives and napkins. The wife continued conversation as if there were no problems. And they listened intently to her attempts at conversation. And I know they had a good time.
We still go to our favorite restaurant and eat out with family on occasion. As long as the events do not cause anxiety for my dear partner or others we will continue to have others over. You all were right that we will know when its time to stop. No large groups now ever, even if they are all friends. Thank you for your support.
I'm so happy that you had a good time. I guess we just need to talk to family and friends about how it is and what we need to do and how they can help to make for an enjoyable outing.
At a friend's large birthday party around 5 years ago my wife did OK because the wife of another friend kept her engaged so I could spend time with her husband. Getting my wife's attention so she ignored the rest of the party helped a lot with dealing with the chaos of a large gathering. Still, she almost drove me crazy on the drive home (she was tired so acting out) but it was worth it.
We were at dinner New Year's Eve some years before Larry's death with a group of old friends around a big table at a restaurant we all liked--had fallen into the habit of doing this every New Year's Eve. The last time we went, Larry started telling one of his stories at the table, but really could not get through it and hit all the beats and the punch line. The deficits were painfully obvious. One of the wives just cut him off rudely mid-sentence and carried the conversation on to something else. Needless to say, that was the last time we got together with that group in that way. I just couldn't believe the woman's lack of kindness and sensitivity...and no one else really stepped up to the plate to smooth it over or make it right. He didn't have the awareness to feel hurt, but I was majorly annoyed. Good Lord.
A couple months later, the woman's husband--a good friend--dropped dead of a sudden, unexpected heart attack. Just fell sideways off the toilet and died. I had the unworthy thought that maybe her grief would make her a little more empathetic to others.
I realize that not everybody has the caregiving gene, but are people really so asinine that they don't realize just because someone is demented doesn't mean you don't treat them courteously?
Lindylou.......... I have to tell you this little story about one of the times we ate out', when My dear Helen was well into dementia but we were still having fun.
..... Every Tuesday evening we would meet at Los Jaritos Mexican restaurant with a group of friends from our Lions Club for a nice meal and social. We had been doing this for years and were good friends with everyone there. One of the waiters, Aristeo, was his name, was always quite friendly with Helen and he would sometimes sing to her. This particular night he was singing "Besame Mucho" to her and inserting the word "Ahora" into the song. One of our friends, Richard Gonzales, explained to Helen that the words he was singing meant "Give me a kiss" and that “Ahora” meant "Right now" .......So Helen said OK and gave Aristeo a nice Kiss.... Then Richard said "How about me?" so she gave him a kiss. Then all the guys at our table wanted one so she went around the table and kissed each one. And then that wasn't the end of it. Some fellow at a nearby table said "How about me", so of course she went over and gave him a kiss. The only guy who didn't get a kiss was me.........I forgot to say "How about me?"
To answer your question, I would have to say that at the time we all thought that it was just Helen's usual way of having fun. She hadn't been diagnosed with vascular dementia yet.
Fun was always her game, and she played it well. To get an idea of what she was like, Liz, take a look at this little slide show of Dear Helen. https://youtu.be/o16AgD5hNrA
For more.......check this out http://www.georgestreit.net/helen_stories
George, I went to your website and read all the stories about Helen. And loved them. She was a remarkable lady and both of you were blessed to have each other.
I view myself as a storyteller too so I may try to put together some stories about my love. Hadn't thought to do that. What I have done is put together a powerpoint slide show that I have labeled "50 First Dates". We go through that maybe once a week. Sometimes I am my love's mother, sometimes her sister, sometimes her grandmother, and one time even a former girlfriend. Usually after we watch the slide show she will know that I am me.
I hate to keep adding more to this but you guys keep egging me on.
One time when we were visiting Helen's sister who lived in Northern California......Her sister introduced Helen to some friends as.... "This is my wicked sister from L.A"....... Helen then gave us all her definition of the word.... wicked. "Having as much fun as I can possibly have .....without hurting anyone".........