Well I did it, I took Lisa to a 5 day respite stay yesterday. I listened to the advice I was given, fairly well anyways, to Not tell her until I took her. Advice was to wait until we got there but the nice place I found was about an hour and a half away so it was where are we going what are we doing all the way down. I didn't want to lie then spring it on her so I decided about half way down I would tell her. Well the rest of the trip wAs not pleasant , she got anxious , said she wasen't going just take me home and I will stay there, you have the problem you go, then she refused to go in but eventually got her to go In and I left.
I phoned later last night and she was ok but had been agitated and had been asking where I was and when I would be coming. A very nice nurse said she sat with her for awhile and told her I would be back in the morning. Not true and in my mind was thinking that is not right. Later I got an email from my sil giving me a website allnurses.com with an article on therapeutic lying. I also googled and many articles on the subject. Also Google validation therapy. Both I found really interesting and helpful and worth checking out.
Anyways it made me rethink things. Was it right to tell her before we got there, don't know. The idea of therapeutic lying suggestes it may be more positive and less stressful for our loved ones than trying to be truthful. I know this has been talked about before but I had never heard it put in these terms before. Telling her I would be back in the morning calmed her down isn't that a good thing? Today she probably won't even remember that conversation. I think maybe I better learn how to become better at telling white lies.
Now I have to learn to relax instead of just worrying about how she is doing.
Hi Rona, One thing to remember with situations like you are experiencing is no matter what anyone tells her she will not remember. I would visit my husband and the first thing he would tell me is where have you been and I had just visited him the day before. He did not remember. I think most of the people who have traveled this journey have told half truths in order to deal with particular situations. I never once felt it was a problem because my husband was not in his right mind. I am happy you got her there. Whether you told her before, during or after really has no relevance now and if I were you, I would try to stop second guessing what you do or do not do. We can only do the best we can. And you certainly are doing that! Please remember that your wife needs supervision but it does not mean that it has to be you--hence respite. She is being well taken care of. Please try to enjoy your time away because all too soon, it will be time to pick her up. I had never heard the term therapeutic lying but whatever one calls it, it is simply another strategy to deal with our loved ones behaviors. Yes validation therapy is very good. Keep up the excellent work and enjoy your time now.
I'm not sure whether I will be telling hubby where he is going when the time comes...he is non verbal so he won't be telling me to take him home, but I have no gauge on his comprehension level in part to his being non verbal but it's probably less than what I think...at least until I see him starting putting his chocolate treats in his glass of water or pouring his water on his supper lol...I find nothing whatsoever wrong with the fiblets we tell our spouses...lord knows we have enough to contend with just to get through each day and if a little fiblet now and then makes our lives even the tiniest bit easier then go for it...staff at the care homes have seen this type of reactions many many times and are pretty good at the redirect...try not to rethink things and accept that you did what you thought IN THAT MOMENT was the best and don't dwell on it...it's done so don't worry about the woulda shoulda coulda...the caregivers have to catch a bit of a break sometimes and be the windshield instead of the bug...
I agree that therapeutic fibbing is ok - in fact, its quite necessary at times. Their impairment causes them great anxiety over everything and (IMO) our job is to keep them as calm, happy, and safe as possible. My DH was always trying to leave our house. At first, he was trying to find his childhood neighbor at the basketball hoop at his church (in another city), then it was the softball tournament and he was the starting pitcher (still in that other city). My favorite was when he was going to fly to California to marry this beautiful woman …. from the cover of a magazine. He had his bag packed & briefcase waiting at the door. The only way I could get him to relax and "stand down" was to ask if he had his airline ticket. When he realized he did not have that, I told him that it was probably going to come in the next day's mail. He relaxed, we had a beer and then dinner and the rest of the evening was peaceful. Every day for about 2 weeks, I went through this same scenario with him. He didn't remember that it was a repeat conversation and eventually he stopped trying to catch that plane. I never felt like I was tricking him; he trusted me to keep him safe & take care of everything and the fibbing was part of how I accomplished that.
I also agree with others not to second guess yourself. As long as you love her and take care of her, you are doing exactly what's needed. And remember; taking care of her doesn't mean all by yourself in your home.
I hope you can rest, relax, and treat yourself to a little something special during your break. You definitely deserve it!
This isn't exactly on topic, but might speak to someone. A few years ago I discovered the book "Contented Dementia". I hated the title; I wanted a fight, not contentment. It is about a method of dealing with dementia developed by a woman in the UK. Like most methods, it wouldn't work for everyone, and probably not at all for some. My DH hasn't developed the type of dementia being handled in the book, but even so, I found nuggets that have been very helpful. The book speaks as much to keeping the carer able to continue as to how to bring a kind of peace to the afflicted. Many of the "principles" are part of what many have come to from different directions, so it may not be as fresh now as it struck me when I first read it. I think the good stuff starts in about the third chapter.
A big part of keeping them safe, content, and feeling secure and happy involves just not bringing things up...not everything has to be mentioned and discussed. Of course in the "good old days" before diagnosis we probably shared everything important with our spouses...but you get to the point where those days are long gone, and it would just worry and upset them to talk about finances, or whether to buy a new refrigerator...or whatever. So a lot of times you have to get very evasive and euphemistic. It is lonely, and it doesn't always feel "right." But you have to.
I am getting ready to move my husband from one facility to one near me so i won't have so far to drive. I have told him about the moving but I am afraid he thinks he is coming home. It bothers me so much but I just have to lie to him all the time to keep him calm.