I was sitting here thinking about how 2015 went and I have come to the conclusion that I'm happy it will be over tomorrow. I'm hoping and praying that 2016 will be better but I really don't think it will. DH is just as difficult at the end of the year as he was at the bringing. I don't know how those of you like Scorpio do it. She describes a life I never lived and I describe a life she isn't living but both weigh us down and are dangerous to our health. I think those of you who are in her place are just awesome and I worry about you. I don't have the clean up you have and I now sleep well. I just have no idea who us going to show up each day. Good boy or bad boy. Up boy or down boy. Sweet loving boy or that other one.
Ah yes. Not knowing which guy is going to show up is difficult. My DH doesn't seem to know who is in the house. In the am he kisses me and says he loves me. By evening he says I'm a good guy. Never sure what role I am to play - wife, nice lady, brother, friend or foe.
The only positive to a new year is that we are one year closer to the end of this disease. For many of you, you won't like my thinking but that is how I feel. I was looking forward to Christmas, the first time in years, even bought presents for the two grandkids we see. Their mom and I had spoken about Christmas back at Thanksgiving since we didn't go cause they were go to someone else's house. Turns out she made other plans for Christmas so I mailed their presents. After days of clouds the sun finally is shining so I feel a little better sitting here with it shining on me. Since she is planning to move to Florida when school is out and one of the factors settling here was cause they were only 3 hours away, I am thinking of moving. Either back to the Vancouver area cause I know when it comes time to place my sister her son will not visit her often (he doesn't now) and I would be able to. Or, I might just say to h**l with them and move to Arizona. Of course a lot has to do with dh condition.
One year closer to the end of this disease...Such truth in Charlotte's words...2015 could have been better but also could have been much worse...For me the word that describes 2015 was sadness...with the declines of 2015, I think for me the realization of where this is all headed came much closer to home than any other time since hubbys diagnosis...2016 will be a very tumultuous year I predict and one of big changes, some of which I look forward to and others not at all...maybe the upheaval of placement won't be as bad as the anticipation of placement that weighs constantly on the mind...only time will tell and time stops for none of us does it? For those on a similar path to mine, I wish you strength and courage and for those who are now continuing life's journey alone, I wish you much peace and contentment..
Charlotte, It sucks that you were let down at Christmas - we know you were so looking forward to spending the time with the grandkids before they moved away. I have learned so much from your Charlotte - you have so much to offer, and you have given so much to us here on this board. I hope you will feel better in a few days.
29scorpio - it is daunting to try to look into the future, but, overall, my experience with the LTC was really good. My husband was traumatized at the beginning, but the staff were very caring and good to him. I hope your experience goes as well. It is almost impossible to do it on your own. Wishing you the best.
Before he passed, I bought a booklet from Barbara Karnes, a specialist in the dying process, and found it very helpful. Since then I receive all her emails. Here's one that you may like.
I am struggling to write a New Year's Blog - it has been such a horrible year for me ( as for many of you). I was just cleaning my desk, and came across my 2015 calendar. On June 15, 2015, I wrote in the little square - The day the sun stopped shining- Sid died today. And that is about how I have felt since then - hoping and praying that I will find some kind of peace in 2016.
There will be a New Year's Blog and the In Memoriam list posted on the home page (www.thealzheimerspouse.com) tomorrow. Unless I come up with a surge of inspiration today.
The good news is that Nora ( Bluedaze) is having a NY party tonight, which I am looking forward to attending.
Good heavens, just do what you can do. If there is a New Year's blog...fine. If there isn't a New Year's blog...fine. If there is a sad and depressed New Year's blog...fine. As someone who spent over a year in leggings and Uggs feeling like it was a good day if I brushed my teeth...I totally "get it", and so does everybody else. We are here for you, Joan, as best as we can be. You got us through this so far, and I feel that everybody who comes here "to Joan's" will help you get through it, too. Many hugs. And say hello to Bluedaze.
Joan, We are all here for you, and we understand your pain. Have a good time tonight, and know that Sid is at peace, and he would want you to be happy.
I think it is very brave for Joan to come to my house this evening. It is so difficult to walk into a room full of strangers when you are alone. I know my friends will welcome her.Most of us are widowed so we understand. Happy New Year really isn't going to happen for many of us. Love, Nora
I do too. And she will have as good an evening as anyone can in the company of you and your friends.
As for me, I haven't decided. I could spend the evening in a chateau in France or on a cruise ship maybe docked in the Canary Islands or just off Bermuda. I might go Abalone diving and I might try ultralight airplane flying or I might crash a michelin five star and order a table for thirty and see who joins me.
I'll be having a St Hubert chicken pie. I can't decide whether to have Or Derves first. I'm thinking of doing some garlic bread with smoked oysters set out as canopes and then go to town with this pie that feeds four teeny little people or me. I'm also going to watch TV. I get well over 300 channels and I have no idea whether I'll be in Africa with Michael Palin or go picking with the crazies on American Pickers or watch Drive Ins, Diners, and Dives. When you take basketball out I doubt I watch an hour a week. I watch a basketball game at least every other night though. When I hear those sneakers squeaking on the floor I'm at home. It's one of the things I've become engaged with and I love it.
My cats are acting up. They think it's dinner time and I should put this pie in. Maybe it's a huge party in a sprawling mansion in the Hamptons and I can just wink in like I Love Genie and join the fun. I'd wink on a tux, carry a dry martini, and see what people are chattering about in this massive room. Right, the beasts want their dinner.
I am glad it is gone. Really seemed to fly by, since DH was in hospital and hospice for so long. Sadly a friend of mine, who is not a member here, is sitting by her DH's bedside right now waiting for his time to go. Has been on hospice and in bed since December 19, 2015. Has not eaten in over a week. I feel so much for her and remember just 3 months ago I was right there. Prayers for all of us this New Year.
I haven't had hard liquor in - I can't remember the last time. The other day I bought one of those little bottles of rum. So tonight I will add it to my diet pepsi and welcome in the new year while hb is sleeping away!
Charlotte, rum & Coke (Pepsi) is so good....I think I'll have a little Bailey's.
I'm not sorry to see 2015 go (especially after the miserable Christmas weekend!) & I don't especially look forward to the coming year. I'm with 29scorpio, I think it will be a year of much anxiety for me, but also as Charlotte said, one year closer. I know that sounds awful to say & I may be sorry that I've thought this (you know, be careful what you wish for). I don't really wish for it, but knowing it's coming, I do think about it.
To all, wishing as much happiness as one can find in these circumstances. To those who are grieving, hopefully, a year of beginning healing your shattered hearts.
Every day when DH goes to bed (blessedly as soon as he eats supper), I think one more day done. And I feel guilty everyday for thinking it. Guess tonight at midnight I will count off one more year done living in Bizarro World. Yes Mim, I know exactly how you feel about being careful what you wish for. I have come to realize that all of us who are still waiting for it to be over are really expecting life to return to "normal" when this is over. But, it can never be normal again, not the way normal once was. And, none of us (those waiting) know what our new "normal" will be.
Best wishes to all for the best "normal" possible in 2016 and beyond.
Anyone remember back when you were a child and the year 2000 seemed like it would be forever? Can't believe it has been 16 years since that forever came!
Even those of us who have lost our spouse/ partner still do not know what is the new "normal". Some days are so busy we do not think about it and other days we can't motivate ourselves to do anything.