This a.m. I met with Kevan's Doctor and Ward nurse. I really got an education on bv fronto. I didn't realize that DH was controlling my whole life from his LTC. He tells me he is lonesome, sleeps all the time and doesn't take part in any activities. They tell me he is the bell of the ball. He is active in everything going on. He is the social butterfly of the place. Loves all the ladies. All the problems he tells me about, well they just aren't happening. He has decided that because we fight so much, I think he is dreaming as we don't fight, that we must meet in a neutral place. No my home not his. They say I should bring someone with me so he can't abuse me or boss me. He encourages me to go out then calls me when I do and pretends he has forgotten. They tell me this is typical of fronto's. He resents the fact that he has to be there and I am out here having a good time. After all this he calls and tells me that I am to keep him on my handyman list. He says he is fine as long as he is working and I stay away from him. Now when he calls to tell me about allergies, itchy dry skin, headache or not sleeping ,I am to call them and they will handle it until he stops calling me and goes to them. The Doctor says I am a very loving and caring wife but it is time to let them care for him and look after me. He is not only a good Doctor he is really nice to look at!! I have no idea how to do all if this! I love him and worry about him! Any ideas on how to do this? I am to leave my cell off when I go out.
This sounds somewhat familiar. It's seems quite common for someone in LTC to complain to their LOs about having nothing to do but then be quite active. Somewhat different but I hear the same.
I have also been through being the intermediary between my wife and staff. At her current ALF they broke me of the habit. It was driving no me crazy and it made it harder for her to bond to staff. Plus what she tells me isn't accurate. Plus it mak s her that much less self-reliant.
I used to get up to 100 phone calls a day. When she changed ALFs I blocked her cell phone number on the home phone and set the ringer on my cell to not ring when she called. Her calling agitated her.
I do keep in contact with staff. I visit her. I call her once a day.
You need to trust the staff and let them do their job. If you can't trust them that is another matter. In our case the solution would have been to move her, but they kicked her out first.
I'm glad to hear that I am not imagining this behaviour. I trust the staff but I don't think he does. Last night he called me to tell me how he blew up at the staff because they leave the bathroom light on and he gets upset because he pays for the electricity. I just let him talk it out and made no real comment. He just got it out and then said goodnight. I am so used to doing everything for my husband and family that I just don't really know how to let go. I don't know how to be alone. I guess this happens to many of us. I just need to try harder to realize just what changes fronto is making to my wonderful best friend. I feel like half of me is being torn away leaving this half empty party that just doesn't know how to function with out it. I know he is being well cared for. He has a great Doctor and his new Ward nurse is great. It's me not being able to do what I feel I will be doing is to turn my back on him.
Jazzy, you've been a wonderful and caring wife and caregiver. All of us here understand that caring for our spouse is all consuming and after years it can define who we are and our purpose in life. Letting go is hard for 2 reasons; we want the best for our spouses and feel a tremendous responsibility to be there to make sure they get the best and when we do start to let go, we now have to redefine (or find out) who we are and that can be lonely and scary. You're a resilient woman, you'll figure it out. (((HUGS)))
I have shared some of the doctor's opinions through your own telling of events over these last two and a half years. But you might consider being careful with this advise because in complex relationships people come up and want to make changes but they leave the person in an impossible situation.
Kevan enrolled himself into that place by your own account. I have never read that anyone has legally taken away his right to return. Do not bring this subject up with anyone. Let time pass.
This doctor is stupid because it's absolutely clear he is clueless in what he expects you to change with the wave of his wand. I heard nothing about how you are supposed to change like this, how you feel about that, and what Kevan will do.
Go slow here. You have a year before this good looking retard will show up again.
I clearly remember those days especially when the phone rang and rang and rang. Like you I listened. My intent was to try and help my husband. I tried to listen with only one ear so to speak as his anger, aggression, and ranting seemed to enter my bones. I hoped I was doing something helpful and thought if I could let him spew all that on me, perhaps he wouldn't hit as many people.
If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't have listened to all that. Took way too much of a toll.
I know Kevan does not hit people (thankfully) but he and my husband have many other similar symptoms both suffering from the same diagnosis.
My husband's disease has progressed where there are no longer phone calls, he hasn't been able to use a phone in months. I must say I do see that as positive for me.
I too really struggled with letting the health care team look after my husband and not feeling like I was turning my back on him as you mentioned. I still do struggle with this although I have backed off hugely. Just couldn't keep it up.
I wish I could say more to help. Just know my heart aches for you.
Took me forever to give myself permission to turn my phone off to go out and when I finally did it was wonderful. I don't deny there was some doubt but overall so freeing and a most welcome break.
It sounds like the doctor and nurse are telling you that Kevan is manipulating you, or even emotionally abusing you, whatever that means. (I don't understand their suggestion that you should not take Kevan home for visits, since those visits stopped a long time ago, based on medical advice. Also, it might be inconvenient for you to take him outside the facility now that winter is setting in. Maybe you could take him to the McDonald's once in a while for his favorite snack.)
I think the doctor had some good advice - a lot of it seems like common sense. But I do agree with Wolf that you should not announce any changes to Kevan since it would likely upset him. Just change your behavior gradually. Also, don't get upset by the trite phrase, "It is time to let them care for him and look after me." That is a false choice. You can still care for Kevan and look after yourself, too. However, you cannot assume that Kevan is giving you accurate information and you can't allow him make all the decisions. You've handled Kevan's difficult issues so well in the past that I'm sure you'll be able to follow the spirit of the advice you received, perhaps with your own modifications.
Our DD and I have made a decision on Christmas Eve and Day.
Our DD and her family will be coming Christmas Eve, they live here, and we will be going to Swiss Chalet for lunch. Then Kevan goes back to LTC for his activities. Christmas Day I will pick him up at 08:00 and off to breakfast at MacDonalds, then at about 09:30 back to my place to open presents. Then off to the LTC for the family big Christmas dinner at 12:00. I will leave to come home at 13:15 so he can go to bed for the afternoon as this is a busy day for him. I'm going to cook myself a few of turkey parts so I can have sandwiches which I love. Since he has decided to only meet me in neutral locations he is fine with this.
Wolf! When are you opening the lodge in his year??
[english butler walks in wearing tux and full tails carrying something on a tray]
"It's for you sir." he announces shoving all his annoyance with the world into his diction, "Something about a christmas lunch."
The fop in the getup looked puzzled and then snapped his fingers. "Not christmas lunch!" he realized, "Christmas lodge! It's time to open the Christmas Lodge again Holmes!"