It is time for an update. I am spending the month of November in Chicago with my sister and her family. Since my laptop is out if commission, I only brought my tablet with me. It does not have the web design software on it, so I am unable to post anything on the home page. Notices, updates, and anything resembling a blog will have to be posted here and on my FB page. The following is my latest blog:
JOAN'S BLOG - Tuesday, November 17, 2015 - GRIEF IS THE BOSS
Since Sid's death 5 months ago ( How is it possible that it has been so long? My heart says it happened yesterday.), I have been writing intermittently to tell you about my plans for the website, and that I will implement them "soon". I have not done any of it, and for that, I apologize. What I have been doing instead, is trying to figure out who I am, where I belong, what I want, and how to live as a "single" after 45 years living with a man who was my best friend, lover, protector, partner, heart and soul.
No matter what I have done to "move forward", and I will enumerate my healing activities for you later in this blog, I have been stymied by the one truth I have learned for sure - Grief is the Boss. In spite of whatever good intentions I may have for a particular day, if an overwhelming longing to feel Sid's warm, loving, healthy arms around me, takes hold of me, my plans are pushed aside and I draw the cold, hard, picture frame that houses his once warm, living, smiling face close to my heart and let the tears flow.
Yes, I have read all of the articles, listened to well meaning friends and relatives advise me to "CHOOSE" to do otherwise. To "CHOOSE" to force myself to put the picture down, get out of the house, and "DO SOMETHING". Meet a friend, take a walk, go to the movies. Get away from grief. One does not "CHOOSE" to escape grief. GRIEF is the BOSS. It enters your space often unexpectedly, takes over, monopolizes your time, and leaves on ITS timetable, not yours. Please understand that I am not talking about grief debilitating you to the point of never getting out of bed, never experiencing any good days, or being suicidal. In those extreme cases, you or someone close to you had better get you to a health professional who specializes in grief PRONTO.
I can only talk about what happens to ME, how I feel, how I am dealing with the grief. Some of you may have the same experiences as I am having and agree with my method of coping. Others of you may vehemently disagree with what I say, how I feel, and how I cope. That is fine. We are all different.
My grief counselor thinks that all of the choices I have made in order to move forward towards a fulfilling single life are "brilliant". (Her words, not mine) Keep in mind that these decisions were right for ME in my circumstances, and probably would not be appropriate for someone else:
1. I made the decision to move out of the Independent Villa to which I moved 6 years ago, when I started to need help caring for Sid. They provided weekly cleaning, a dinner meal, house maintenance, wheelchair van transportation when Sid became wheelchair bound, and general support for me. After Sid died, the place held nothing but bad memories for me, was depressing me even more than I already was, and I had no peers in the neighborhood. Everyone was 15 - 25 years older than me.
2. I sold all of my furniture. Sid and I had bought it for the house we built when we moved to Florida 9 years ago. I could not live with it. To me, it symbolized broken dreams. I could not sleep alone in the bed we shared right up until he went into the nursing home.
3. Since I was not emotionally stable enough to make a permanent buying decision, I rented a fully furnished condo in an active adult community, where there are plenty of activities and people my own age.
4. I forced myself to get out and join a Mah Jong group at the clubhouse; when my phone doesn't ring, I pick it up and call someone and make a lunch date. I know that if I don't make the effort, no one is going to come knocking on my door. When I return home from Chicago, I have a list of activities that I am going to look into joining.
5. And lastly, I did something that made my counselor shriek with joy. I showed her a new address card that I designed and had printed. It has my name ( It's just Joan, no longer is there a "joanandsid"), address, phone numbers, and a picture of an open hand with a butterfly emerging from it. I am sure I don't have to explain that glaring symbolism.
So yes, I have done everything I am supposed to do in order to work through my grief and come out of it as a whole, healed, new single person, ready to enjoy life. But.........GRIEF is the Boss. In spite of the "brilliant" steps I have taken, my heart aches for Sid. I am lonely for him, I miss him desperately, and the pain of it is so intense, it is physical.
I believe, with all of my heart that loved Sid so deeply and for so many years, that I must go through the grief, not try to circumvent it. I believe that in order to heal to whatever degree is possible, I must allow grief to be the Boss, succumb to it when it intrudes, and then move forward. Keeping busy, choosing to ignore it, and pushing it aside, will only serve to allow it to fester, and destroy me from the inside out. A famous quote attributed to Winston Churchill is....."When you are going through Hell.....KEEP ON GOING". It simply means that if you keep moving forward, no matter how painful it may be, eventually, you will come out the other end.
This is how I CHOOSE to cope. I will allow grief to be the Boss for as long as it takes for me to gain the strength to come through to the light.
I welcome your comments to this blog. Please post them here. Thank you.
Well-Joan-I forced myself to read your blog. Oh-before I forget-your card is lovely. OK-back to the topic at hand. Grief is so much more than feeling sad. Coping-I'm not sure what that means any more. Does it mean waking up each morning and going through the motions of living? I'm not sure. Most of us, here, have lost all of our dreams. Do we really have to cope? I'm not sure we will heal completely or even if we want to. What I do know is that as long as we can put one foot in front of the other there is some direction to our lives.
Once again, Joan, you've written a blog that almost describes me word for word. I have not moved house (yet), but have the painters here this week. I'm having the whole interior of the house painted, and when that's finished on Friday, I'm going to take my time about hanging things back up on the walls...I still want the traditional look, but in a more simple, pared-down (and marketable) way. What I'm trying to do is eliminate some of the things that meant "us" and try to emphasize more of "me" in the house, while still keeping it homelike and warm. I swear to God that every single thing in this house has a memory and makes me sad sometimes. I'm trying to mitigate that a little, without throwing out the baby with the bathwater and having it not feel like my home. (If that makes any sense.) And I'm still keeping my eyes open for people that I have something in common with...not having much luck there...frankly I just have not hooked in too much with the singles group or socially with our church. Just doesn't seem like the right fit. But I'm at least going through the motions...just not picking up the right vibe for me. There's no question I miss NY, as I've said a time or two--where there is so much to do and interesting people to do it with. On Saturday grief came out of nowhere and hit me like a brick. I almost came on this site and posted that I just seemed to be going around in circles with the bereavement stuff. After really feeling like I was moving forward--went on a date--went to two dances--went to Ireland...well, on Saturday I just vegetated all day with the bereavement blahs--too much time spent in leggings and Uggs, either on the computer or reading my paperback. But I guess it was just how I needed to cope on that day...as you said, Joan, "This is how I Choose to cope." I still think that when grief hits, you just have to keep going through it, or rolling with it...that seems to be the only way to lessen it. Hard to explain, but I feel that it's true.
Great blog Joan! I overwhelm fairly easy these days, so I cannot pull my thoughts together for a meaningful long reply. But I do agree wholeheartedly that we must try not to repress the grief and pain but allow ourselves to work through it.
Speaking only for myself, I know it is much more difficult to "allow" myself to break down and cry. I do however try to fight it. Mainly because I fear that if I were to let all the grief out at once, I just couldn't survive it. Though I do believe we must work our way through the grief, I also believe our minds instinct is to protect us from what we cannot bear. It seems mine does at any rate. So I grieve daily, but only cry when I am strong enough to experience the pain.
I haven't done near the things you have to "reclaim me", but I am not yet two months without my husband. I haven't stopped trying and I haven't stopped caring. Right now I feel that is a major accomplishment! With searching, and repetition, I imagine I will find "my new normal"
One thing is certain, if we could adjust and adapt to accept every monumental loss dementia stole from us, year after tortuous years, we can probably adapt to damn near anything!
Hi Joan, congratulations on your progress. I just attended the last meeting of my hospice bereavement group. It was very helpful as it was a small group and 2 others had lost their husbands also and it helps me when I feel that people understand. I am just taking it a day at a time. They encouraged us to talk to our family regarding the holidays and I realized I had been putting off discussing my wishes for the holidays. When I was honest with myself I really did not want a big family gathering so,I think this is the start of a new normal at least for the holidays. I do things with the grandchildren when I am invited or asked to babysit but say no when I cannot. I have worked from home thru most of his illness and it has served me well but just last week I decided that my job is too isolating so I am going to,try to get something part time outside the house in order to get some of my socialization needs met. For me the loneliness is the most difficult. I have found 2 new friends that I did not have before so I consider that progress. I am not crying a lot but just have this loneliness and some days it is worse than others but overall it is getting better. So many of the widows that I know go,out to lunch all the time or belong to,the senior center. That is not for me. After so many years of putting others first it is a new experience putting myself first. You are so,right about letting grief be the boss. There is only one way and that is through it. We are all reinventing ourselves and it takes time, effort, and a lot of trial and error. I feel deep down that at some point I will move but not ready for,that yet.
I get the feeling that you feel you are letting us down by not being on top of the website administration duties. Speaking for myself, I believe you are doing exactly what you've always done. You are leading through example; you are putting into words what we are all living with; you are showing us a great example of how to live with and through this heartache. You continue to give so much to all of us. You've never let us down.
Yes, I do feel very badly about neglecting the website, but I mean it when I say that grief is the Boss. It takes all of my energy, and there is little to nothing left over for me to do anything else. But I know that I need this time, however long it takes, to grieve and figure out how to live without Sid. Sometimes the only strength I have is to look at his picture, and scream at him - "How can you be dead? How can you be dead, Damn you!" It still doesn't seem possible to me.
But I have made progress, and will continue to do so. Being with my sister has been a big help. I needed to get away from living alone and being so lonely. I wanted to go home with her after Sid's memorial service in June, but I am so glad that I waited until I was moved and settled. Now I can be here without anything hanging over my head at home.
BTW, everyone check FB for some pictures of me with a couple of my great nieces. There will be plenty more pictures coming.
Another great post Joan. Always so lovely to hear from you. Thank you too for others who responded so far. I gain so much from reading everyone's thoughts.
I fully agree - Grief is the Boss. Totally!
I am going to try and find you on FB Joan as it would be lovely to see some photos.
This post is so much me. Thank you. I get up and make myself move everyday. Some are easier than others. Out of the blue it hits hard. The girls tell me the same thing. This is going to be the first Christmas without him. He has been home for every one. Every one knows he was placed in March of this year and then passed, so has always been home during holidays. Everything I do or touch I can hear him. I don't know it feels like he is here sometimes. I think I am letting the grief come, but sometimes you think people are getting tired of you talking or going through it. My family are all supportive. I am the one thinking I am always bringing everyone down. Just another part of grief I guess.
Grief . . . Yup I have come to know it well. I was saved by finally discovering a weekly grief group managed by a woman who has been doing it for 30 years! (She has trained many facilitators) She really knows grief and through the weekly lessons I have learned;
1. Grief DOES take over your whole existence. It makes you feel stupid, crazy and unable to think, BUT for some dumb reason it also causes you to believe that these reactions are wrong and you should not be affected in any way. WRONG! Grief messes up everything.
2. It will NEVER go away completely! You will have a hole in your heart FOREVER. Our leader married a widower from the group and they have been together longer now than they were married to their original spouses. They both report having a constant 'vacancy' from their 'first love'. Like an amputation, you learn to live with it but there will always be 'something missing'. Dont let anyone tell you otherwise.
3. "Grief Attacks" (sudden crying spells) are very real. They are normal They are not harmful. (maybe embarrassing?) If you have one and feel like leaving a place do so. You can always come back later. We have had people walk out of markets leaving behind a full shopping cart. Its OK.
4. Crying is GOOD! Cry all you want, cry all you can. No one knows how or why it helps you heal but it does. Dont hold back do a lot of it. If you can cry with somebody (maybe somebody who knew them?) then so much the better. Eventually, over time, after a while, the grief attacks and crying will subside but dont feel you have to rush things. It will happen on it own pace.
5. The most important. NOBODY REALLY UNDERSTANDS GRIEF EXCEPT SOMEBODY WHO HAS LOST. When you get the inevitable comments - "You should be over it by now". "Just snap out of it" "Take a cruise and you will be fine" "You just have to keep busy" . . . . Look them in the eye as ask them about THEIR loss. What deaths have they experienced? Like ALZ only those who have seen it up close and personal get it. As for the others? Just walk away they are not going to be of help.
6. When you are grieving dont worry about improving your health. Dont try to lose weight or eat better or exercise more. When you are grieving sometimes the best thing you can have for dinner is a big bowl of ice cream. Treat yourself - you have earned it.
yes, Joan I do think you have hit the nail on the head (as usual), GRIEF IS THE BOSS.
I placed my Herbie in Memory care on October 7th. On October 17th he had a massive heart attack. The doctors asked to do surgery and I refused as I saw no reason to make him suffer through the end stages of this horrible disease. He passed 10 days later. THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE, and probably the best for him. No longer did he have to be trapped in a body with a mind that no longer worked for him, no more confusion, no more pain. Just the joy of being in Heaven with the Savior. I got to lavish love on him with no other responsibilities for his care for his final 10 days, a final blessing for me.
About that grief...hit me like a sledge hammer. After 8 years of caring for him, watching him decline more and more each day, losing more and more of who he was and take more and more of what I was, I simply wasn't prepared for the level of grief that hit me and I am enduring today (I thought maybe it would be a relief). I miss him more than I ever thought possible. I can hardly whisper his name without welling up with tears. I avoid people because I don't want their questions or their sympathy; I just want to be alone with my grief. I do have our family, two daughters and two grandchildren who keep me grounded and busy (PTL), but I do come home (home is where I want to be) and then the memories surround me. It's only been 6 weeks and some days I feel like I just may be making progress with this grief. No, not to be, it is just something that I must work through, no running away or hiding from it (no where to hide).
For all of you who have already had this experience, I understand and I empathize . For those of you who are surely going to face it in the future, I offer you my prayers.
Dear mothert, I was shocked to hear of the death of your husband. Last we heard, you were trying to figure out whether to take him home for the holidays. I am so sorry for your loss.
Dear mothers, Very sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. You saved him from the terrible end stages, and you know where he is now. That has to be a bit of a consolation. God bless as you go through this period.
I am so sorry for your loss mothert Rest assured those of us who have endured this totally understand what you are going through because we have all been there. Just allow yourself all the time you need to be with your grief in whatever form it takes. I too wanted to be alone with my grief and still do but it is getting better-- it will get better for you also. God bless.
mothert, I am so sorry for your loss and the grief you are enduring. It's been almost 7 months for me, and I still find that I want to be alone with my grief - in fact, looking back I can see that I wanted to be alone with it even before he died. For instance, I stopped going to the church we had attended for almost 25 years because I was so tired of being asked week after week how he was doing. I didn't have a good answer, I couldn't say 'he's better, thank you'. And as for the 'welling up with tears', that seems to happen almost daily for me - perhaps it's just the Christmas season and even a holiday song on the car radio will get me going. I just don't know when it will hit, but I try and ride the wave and breathe until it passes.
You have many others here who have been where you are and understand. I'm glad you have family close by. Be kind to yourself and know that it will get better.
Thank you all for your kind words. Where else would/could I go who would have the level of understanding as you all? I know I just have to ride this out and live through it. I plan to volunteer at our church after the holidays are over and I go to our daughter's house 1/week to take our grandson to a reading program. Being with the grand children is a real treat for me, as Herb never really bonded with them (they came along too late for that) and he was so needy that I had to make a choice and that was him. Now I can lavish love on them like I always wanted to.
I don't think a day goes by that I'm not reduced to tears at least once during the day, and always at night when I go to bed. But, it doesn't seem so intense as it was. Have to say, though, there is no JOY in this season for me this year, just a lot of sadness. Guess that's to be expected. After all, I realized just the other day that the grief is symptomatic of the love I had for him. It would be really sad if I had no grief. Hope that all makes sense?
mothert, What you are thinking makes perfect sense. Aftet 9/11, the Queen of England gave a speech in which she said, "Grief is the price we pay for love." I think that says it all.
Does it? Not having been in that situation, I don't know if I will feel that way. I've read here that love lasts forever and those who lose their spouses can feel that love guiding them. But others who are grieving say that love dies when the beloved dies. I also wonder if one's belief in this regard is related to one's religious or spiritual beliefs. It would be interesting to hear what people think/feel about this.
Well, I don't think it's a matter for hocus-pocus. I don't feel that Larry is guiding me in any way--and I'm certainly not trying to call him up on the Ouija board...but sometimes I do feel that he is watching me affectionately. I do think love lasts forever...I mean, where would it go? I don't think love dies when the person dies. Think about your mom, your dad, grandparents, brothers, sisters...it may be that we're never going to see those folks again, but it doesn't mean we stop loving them. I don't know whether they stop loving us, but my tendency is to think that on whatever plane they're on--the fifth dimension, or whatever...why would they stop? If they have any senescence left, they probably would still love the same people they loved when they were alive on Earth.
I still feel like I love Larry--we were a close and a happy couple--but that certainly doesn't preclude me from going into new relationships, if something like that happens in the future. Life...real life down here in the trenches...still goes on. It's nice to think about a hug and a kiss and somebody to make dinner for and talk with. I don't know any guys at the moment, but I suspect that having had a happy relationship will make me more susceptible to having another one. That's partly what I mean when I say, "Love will get you through it." All those years of happiness and contentment leave a mark on you, I think, and I think that it just sets you up to have a happier, more successful life in the future. (I mean successful emotionally...not in the sense of the net worth or anything like that.)
My mother wore her wedding ring from my dad for ten years after he died until she took it off when my step-dad bought her a new ring. Neither of them thought anything about it except that it was respectful to my dad's memory. One of my sisters-in-law lost her first fiance when he died young of leukemia. When she married my brother-in-law some years later, he said that he didn't mind that Becky still wore Jimmy's engagement ring on her right hand. He said, "You can't be jealous of a ghost." So lost love continues on, can continue to be a warm and comforting thing that provides happiness on some level...but the bereaved person can still move on to a new life...with the old (deceased) person and the new person in kind of a juxtaposition.
elizabeth, I love the sentiment in your second paragraph that having been in one happy and fulfilled relationship can leave you optimistic about finding one again; I do feel that at some point going forward I would love to have a companion to talk to, go to dinners, concerts, movies, etc. with, but the thought of real intimacy with another man scares me silly and I honestly wonder if I could ever get to that place again........I guess with the right person it wouldn't be an issue......hope springs eternal!
Elizabeth, you're going to be a great catch for somebody one of these days. You're smart, articulate, empathetic -- all the good stuff. Just wish I could be the lucky guy, but I'm already overcommited.....
One of thing I've noticed is that all the folks posting about grief seem to be the fairer sex --perhaps because their personal identities are more wrapped around their roles as marriage partners than men? The men seem better able to just move on -- I know I posted something years ago where I compared the loss of a spouse to how a football coach must just put a loss behind him and focus instead on the rest of the season.
As to the question of love surviving death, well I know that I still give Frances's photo a wink and a blown kiss anytime I pass by -- but admittedly that isn't happening as often now as it did six years ago when the loss was fresher -- too much other stuff going on. But I still cherish the memory of her grace and the wonderful 60 year marriage we had. As to feeling that she's somehow still guiding me, well yes, in the sense that lots of what I do is doubtless influenced by what I think would have been her expectations of me.
elizabeth, I wasn’t suggesting hocus-pocus at all. I fully understand the perspective you are coming from and know many people who share it. I was just wondering if I will feel the same way when my husband is gone. Everyone is different in this respect.
The reason I brought it up was that just this week my sisters and I, who live in different parts of the state, arranged a car trip using the same type of planning my late father used to use when we were a large family of young adults driving from different locations. I loved and admired my father very much and I started to think, “Dad WOULD BE be pleased that we are using his technique,” and then wondered if I could take that thought a step further and say, “Dad MUST BE pleased we are still using his technique to plan car trips.” But I could not honestly say that to myself. I realized that I do not think my father is with me.
What I believe is more like what Gourdchipper says about his late wife, Frances: She is guiding him in the sense that lots of what he does is influenced by what he thinks she would have expected of him. That’s very different than believing that someone is with you and still loves you.
Oh, I know you weren't, Myrtle. I was just being a little facetious...I guess the grin didn't come through the computer. : D
Some things are just beyond our knowledge...this is one of those "There are many craters on the dark side of the moon." kinds of discussions. (Actually these days we know what is on the dark side of the moon--I'll have to think of a better word picture.)
Well, I am so fried...just revised four book reviews and am ready for a hot bath and a library book. Say hello to everybody from me if you go to the Lodge tonight--it's nice that we're not driving through nineteen feet of snow. After the last four winters, I am not complaining!
I know I am late to this discussion. As Joan said, everyone grieves differently. Since my eldest daughter lives with me, I am not alone in the house for any length of time so that is different from most. I don't really cry big sobbing tears but the tears will come to my eyes at the most unexpected times.
m-mann mentioned those who say "take a cruise" . Well I've done that three times this year and it was great while I was away, but I still have to come home to where I can hardly make myself do anything. I guess I have to move to a cruise ship.