Today it finally happened! I have been working toward this goal for several months! And it was one of the worse days of my life! I spent most of the day there , putting on my happy face, pretending this was only temporary, and being my usual strong self. I took a few breaks to go in the bathroom or outside to cry, and to pull myself together. I'm home now, praying things are going well with my spouse of 46 yrs. He done so great, told them whatever I said went, about his admission. No whining from my man! I know things will get better, I knew this day would not be good, so some of you who have been in my shoes, please tell me it does!
I have been in your shoes. Remember that your husband is not feeling what you are. You will feel better but it will take a long time. I'm sending you comfort & support via ESP. You can do this. Will check on you in the morning. Hang in there.
Dear Ky caregiver, You did the right thing for both of you, especially for him. In time you will know this as his disease progresses. As Charlotte says (((hugs)))
Because our spouses have impaired memories, they will adjust to the new environment as the new normal. It may take 4-6 weeks, but it does happen. I saw this in my husband and I see it in other residents at the facility time and time again.
We, however, are carrying all of the memory baggage and it gets in the way of seeing what is best for spouse and for us. We have one foot in each world. The facility seems so small, so claustrophobic, so very confined compared to the big wide world in which we live. At times it seemed like a prison to me. . . until. . . . I brought him home for the day during the holidays and saw how confused and distraught he was by the environment in which we lived for 30 years, and how relieved he was to go back to the facility.
You will have to talk yourself through this every day for weeks. It is all counter intuitive to what we know and the the learning curve for us is the greatest. Give yourself time. Give your spouse time. You will find, in time, that this is the best for him even if you cannot imagine how.
I was in your shoes two yrs. ago exactly. Full of guilt and remorse for placing hb. His memory was so bad then that after the first day he never asked to go home; had forgotten where home was. 59 yrs. being married and I was literally torn apart.
Spouse caregivers go through 3 stages of grief: first one when we realize there is no spousal connection, just a childish adult to care for, second one and I am sure it is the worst when we have to place our spouse. That was so difficult for me. When home I kept seeing dh in the house following me around, laying next to me in bed and sitting along side on the sofa watching tv. Last stage is one I am going through now. I lost dh October 20. So far it hasn't hit home because I have been so busy with the usual paperwork but I know when things calm down I will miss not seeing his face or anticipating his smile.
Just roll with the punches. It will take time but you will adjust and you will always miss him and the way he and only he loved you.
Your issues will be different but it does help to have 3 shifts of caregivers to help take care of him. It is no longer just you having to do 24/7 care. Think of it as a team caring for him now. You are the captain but you have help now. Hoping for the very best for both of you!
Is he getting any pain medication? Is it given on time and regularly? Maybe he needs a better mattress or pad. Does he need to be up more? What kind of chair is he sitting in? My husband had one with broken springs. Would physio help? Perhaps it's the confusion in the room?
KY Caregiver, my heart goes out to you. I, too, have just made the decision to place my DH but will be doing it the Saturday after Thanksgiving so he can be with all the family for the holiday. While I feel some relief about making the decision, I have a great deal of anxiety building for the actual day. I know it is the right thing to do and everyone is supportive of the decision, including his 4 children. I will likely have similar feelings to what you are going through when that day comes. I'm thinking of you and sending supportive ((hugs)) your way. All the others here who have already been through it give you and me hope that we can make it through... just take it one day at a time.
My DH continues at the nsg home. He seems to be content in his little world. His back is no longer bothering him. He is sleeping well,getting up at 10 ish. I have inquired about a better mattress. He doesnt act glad to see me come or go. I make frequent short visits throughout day for now. So im really not sure he is aware its a different place, I am doing ok, not so emtional anymore. just trying to get things done. Finances will be tighter, medicaid picking up after payment of all his income each month. Im just trying to rest, and breathe, praying for calm to continue for awhile.
During a Geri Psych admittance I was told that I needed to place my DH. A lot has happened since I last posted here and he has gone downhill so fast I am dizzy. He still knows most people, but does forget who I am several times a day, and sometimes I have to call one of his relatives for them to talk to him about the strange woman in his house. Other days he doesn't recognize our home or me and wants to go HOME, wherever that is. He has continued to escalate with his aggression and anger issues, especially towards me. He does not want to bathe and it is like trying to bath a feral cat when I finally get him cornered. He has started occasionally forgetting to pull down his underwear when he has to go potty and it is a nightmare getting him cleaned up after I pull his underwear off, but other than that he is not really incontinent. The Geri unit saw what I see everyday, he tried to assault a guard and one of the nurses when they tried to stop him from entering rooms when he was seeking me. If he gets angry Mr. Hyde appears fast. Anyway, the doctor and social worker and his kids were really pushing me to place him and I did finally find a place with one bed available but after meds he started acting better and better and I decided to bring him home and try one more time at least until holidays were over. He still acts out but not as often or for as long but I can see that I probably should have gone ahead and placed when I had the chance. It was just so sudden, as he had admitted himself to the unit so he could get better and be the husband he wanted to be and I had no idea they would be so adamant about placement. They were worried about doing it but finally let him come home after 10 days. I will start the medicaid process after the first of the year and see if the NH has a room open again. Just hurts so bad. And I am scared. While he was in the unit, his family showed their dark side (that I knew was there all along) his sister started telling people that I had a boyfriend and that is why *I put him in the psych unit. I called and told her I never wanted to see her again. Then one of his daughters called and was chewing me out for deciding to try again and bring him home. Really tore me up but I finally snapped and told her off and hung up on her. The other daughter believed what her aunt was saying and took me to lunch and dropped her bomb. I just looked at her when she asked me if I had a boyfriend. I then reminded her of something I had told her a month before when her father had forgotten that we were married and that he was my boyfriend and didn't want her to know it. She realized that his sister had totally gotten that story mixed up in her head (she is a little crazy too) and that is where the boyfriend story came from. Except in her tale, she said I called her and told her I had a boyfriend. Who in God's name would call their sister in law from HELL and tell them she had a boyfriend? Anyway, all this made for a wonderful week! I'm tired, sad, depressed and I lost 10 pounds. Just venting.
It sounds like you have a good plan, junebug, and have a timetable for implementing it. Just be careful and stay safe...others have made suggestions about keeping your cell phone and car keys with you at all times...things like that. In terms of his family--just butt them right out of the picture. They are not providing the care and going through all the hardship. You are.
Sometimes when a client is placed they do much better for a while simply Because of all the extra care and supervision and more nuanced medication management they are getting. That doesn't necessarily mean that they should return back to their home and family life. It sounds like that may have been what happened with your husband...but you wouldn't have known unless you tried. Well, now you know. I get it that you had to try--probably would have haunted you if you hadn't. Perhaps a medication adjustment would help make him more compliant at home, so at least the incontinence issues could be dealt with. I would suggest paying for some aide time to give yourself a break, if you can work with the doctor to use meds to control or alleviate some of the behaviors. An aide can't do anything with him if he's going to be combative though.
Junebug, The nursing home might take him back if you call, since he was admitted re to psych issues. i would try it. And I would cut off any interaction with the crazy relatives you mentioned. They are not helping you! See your doctor for something to calm him, God Bless!