Has anyone here discussed with their LO the what if scenerio?
Because there is a large age difference we discussed what if something happened - health related - what would the other person do. I know it is a ways off but it is nice to know I have his OK that if there ever was a time that he was in a home and didn't know me that it I had his permission to go and get on with my life. Whatever that may be. Plus I think the same for him if it is the other way around.
Scroll down to the bottom of the page that lists all of the discussion topics, and click on page 2. Scroll down about 18 or 19 topics, and there is one that is titled "What about advance directives". There is a lot of information in there about planning for the future - legal papers, etc.
As for "getting on with life" when your spouse is in a nursing home - oh my - we had quite a lot of discussion about that a few months back. Lots of controversy and very strong feelings on both sides. Most of it was on my old, disorganized message boards, so I can't direct you there, but the bottom line was that there were two distinct opinions. One was that you took vows; you are married until death do you part; and you did not, under any circumstances, seek companionship. The other opinion was that you are the living spouse; your AD spouse is unaware of you and his/her surroundings; may be that way for years; you will see that they are taken care of with dignity; but you need companionship and a life.
If anyone who was or was not part of the original discussion would like to share their feelings..............this is the place. As long as it is done with respect for differing opinions.
I have read other posting about this topic of compaionship. I have found for the most part that most people equate companionship with sex. I have freinds now that are male...some straight some gay....it doesn't mean I want to have sex with them. Compainionship can mean someone to talk to, hold your hand and give you a shoulder to rest on, travel together and maybe move in together to share expenses. Most of us aren't spring chickens anymore.
Just my $.02 or in Canada I guess it is now $.03. :) Sorry couldn't resist.
In a recent discussion about this, one woman said she'd been living w/her man for years, they never married, so taking care of him wasn't a matter of her vows, it was her love for him. I know I did not take care of my husband for 10 yrs because of any vows, I did it because I loved him and it could not be otherwise for me. The thing is neither my husband nor I had died, but our marriage had died thru no fault of our own. And in no small way, AD is a living death and it took our marriage, our companionship, our partnership. I made all the decisions w/out consulting him, did everything for him and for me. I ate alone, slept alone, went out alone and came home alone to an empty house. He knew nothing of what I did. I missed his love that he'd shown me since childhood. I had opportunities, but I rejected them, mostly because my thoughts and time were all so consuming with his caregiving. I was shut out of his life in more ways than I can count and many of you know what I mean. If possible, rent 'Away From Her' and see what happens to a husband when his AD wife is in a facility, see how he is no longer on her radar, see how she reacts to others, including another man--and that's all exactly how it was with me, including another woman whom my husband introduced as his wife. We never discussed the 'what if's' but I know if the roles were reversed, I would not want him to spend his days watching me and thinking of what might have been. My husband is gone now, my life is mine alone and not at all what I had expected, but there it is. I have a sometime companion now. Neither one of us want to marry. He fills a void and I treasure that. But I highly recommend 'Away From Her.' It may tear at your heartstrings, but it's well worth watching.
I've been browsing alot lately, but not posting. Was kind of depressed for a while. DH had a major decline in MMSE, and we've been waiting a couple months already for a Neurologist appt. Finally, it is coming up (Nov. 19), a light at the end of the tunnel. Anyway, lots of changes in DH mentation, but he still walks, talks, is continent, dresses self (and appropriately too). He is just very confused, intermittently, but more often than not. Paranoid, hallucinates, suspicious of me, never wanting to be alone. Ugggggggh! Anyway, I noted Ambers remark about "Large age difference" and the truth of losing that connection with our spouse. Just a few days ago I took the advice of my daughters therapist (she knows my situation and unofficially suggests things like a good friend would). She suggested I either journal or blog. I chose blog because DH doesn't use a computer at all. He does read, and I do catch him going through anything I leave around. (disorganizes my bills and that sends me over the edge). Anyway, all are invited to visit. Its not a great advice and information place as it is only a couple days old. It is more or less just at intro stage. And more of a public journal. The difference is that it is focused on the May December marriage, and the impact of AD/Dementia on the younger spouse, as well as the children. Essentially, at the moment it tells about the journey pre-AD, the struggles pre-diagnosis, and the lost dreams. The Address is~~~ http://forbetterorworse-insickness.blogspot.com/ The title is ~~~The Real May-December Marriage~~~When Alzheimer's/Dementia Strikes I'm not smart with computers, or even patient enough to manage forums like Joan, so it isn't anything fancy. But I do welcome comments or questions.
Uh Oh, I am sorry Amber. I screwed up with some of the dots and backslashes. I just edited that post to make the correction. Anyway, try this:
http://forbetterorworse-insickness.blogspot.com/
I was one of the originals newbies when Joan got the site going. Then I kind of fell into a funk, especially in the last two months. Anyway, you can actually read my whole family story on my blog, but in a nutshell Paul and I are 24 years apart, with two adult children (they were 6 [his] and 7 [mine] when we married. We still have our two at home, now 15 and 17 years of age. Paul is 71, and I'm 47. He "probably" began showing symptoms as much as 9 years ago. He was officially diagnosed with AD exactly 2 years ago, and in these two years he has really taken a slide. He is stage 5-6.
I look forward to sharing my fledgling blog, and to resuming my posting here. Its so great to find company all dealing with the same issue.
Jeanette, New Realm has lost her husband.. that is what the * after her name means....the widows and widowers who post after losing their spouses (spice) add the * so that we know that they are here for friendship and family.....
Yes, the blog is gone. Didn't know it existed so I'd never read any of it and since ours is May/December, I wish I had. Any chance of it coming back, NewRealm?