I have been taking care of my husband who is 92 with dementia for almost 6 years. I am 68. Othere than using a walker from two hip fractures, he has no medical problems other than the dementia which is getting worse, but he is basically stable. But I develped chronic pancreatitis 8 years ago which is manageable with a lot of daily work. Our cat developed kidney failure and I developed sleep issues and some anxiety around it. I thought moving from assisted living back to our house which I had loved would work with some modifications. I worked hard from two week trying to make that happen, but when the time came to move, I just collapsed. I realized that I was the one who needed help. I have struggled to maintain a weight of 84 (I am only 4'11"), but was hungry all the time. Finally, I found a dietition who has started helping me both sleep and eat much better. I know it is only a week, but even so, I still feel like I will never recover. Has anyone been through this? Does this just take time? I feel so hopeless some of the time. I want to have some energy withut expending most of my energy taking care of both of us.
Sorry for what you are going through. We have to fight hard to not let this disease take two people and that is what appears to be happening here. I am glad the dietitian is helping you - that is what you need.
Sounds like your husband needs to be placed. Being unstable adds a lot of stress to your life. With you own medical problems, it is overwhelming you both physically and emotionally. You need to place him if at all possible where your job will be his advocate for good care. You can go home and take care of yourself the rest of the day.
Muldi, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Charlotte is correct. You really need to place him so you can tend to your needs. It is very difficult placing them but in the end you must do what is best for not only him but you. So often as the journey progresses we think that by keeping them home that we are taking care of them better than if they were placed. But it all depends on each situation. In your case, it sounds like keeping him home is becoming detrimental to your health, so another plan must be made to preserve your health. Sending prayers.
Thank you both. I could not agree more. I have looked into the only place in our area----very rural. He is in too good mental shape for them to take him, they say. BUT his son and daughter-in-law came yesterday and said they will take him. They are very good people and would have had to take him had we not married. We can still be together in the day sometimes, but I can go to my own place at night. I am so relieved and grateful for that. I guess I should have explained that. But I worry with even that---which will happen soon---will I be strong again? What things have people done to recover? I guess I am so naive and likely obsessing (which is easy for me to do). I feel like staying in bed all day, but I really think I should try to be aroud people and go for little walks. Had anyone gone through recovery from burnout who can help? Diane
Going for little walks - sounds fine. Being around other people - not needed now. You have to follow your own course - we are ll different.
Are you on antidepressants - sounds like part of your problem is depression. Also, I would consider some counseling. Someone to help you sort through the feelings and options - a neutral third party. And if the first counselor is not a good fit, find another one.
How long have you been married? It does sound like you have a good relationship with his son which you are very fortunate to have. As for being naive - we all were when we started this trip. This site has proven invaluable to so many of us, so you have a good start coming here.
Thank you! Yes, am on an antidepressant at night, but not helping a lot. Also had to break down and take a very small amount of valium to go back to sleep during the night. I like your idea of counseling and will look into it. Thank you so much, Diane
If it is not helping you may have to increase it or change to a different one. I have to be careful being fat cause so many will put on weight but that is something you don't have to worry about.
muldi, you wrote that you have pancreatic problems. Perhaps you are having problems with your blood sugar, being tired, hungry, and not being able to keep your weight up are all symptoms of blood sugar being out of whack. Also caregiving is very tiresome.
Muldi, I know when I placed my husband and even now 6 months after he passed I was emotionally drained. You may very well be trying to operate on empty. Recovering emotionally is different for each person and it could take a long time. Spending time with yourself has worked for me. Just sitting and doing absolutely nothing is probably what you need. Sitting with yourself watching the leaves fall --just being in the present moment. Do not make any commitments right now. You must heal and it takes time.
Muldi..........When his son takes him, it will be just like having him placed. It will be a new life for you. You can visit him as often as you like but you won't be tied down. I'm hoping the best for you.
Muldi, you have been given some excellent advice. I cannot add anything further. I do know, however, that my mind always thinks that my body should recover from any ailment within days. Well, I too am in my 60's and it does not happen like that anymore. My body takes a long time to bounce back - and that is not even considering the mental and emotional stress from which you are struggling. As others have told you, take good care of yourself. Rest, eat well, and sleep as much as you are able. As Charlotte said, perhaps you need to look at a stronger antidepressant. Taking one does not have to be a long term solution, but only to get you back to a healthier place.
Thanks all. And Fiona68, I needed to be reminded my body takes longer to bounce back. And it is easy to overdo on any day I feel a bit better. But I am learning. I did see my nurse practitioner whom I have worked with for many years and we are working on the medicines. That is helping a lot. The little things my husband does that make me so crazy are easier to take in stride.