Good Afternoon Everyone, For those of you who probably thought I had disappeared off the face of the earth, I want to drop in and tell you that I am still here, but struggling in all areas of my life. I could have written this as a blog, but the September 20th blog that is the most current one on the home page does an excellent job of explaining my situation and my plans for the website. If you have not yet read it, I would urge you to do so.
First, let me say, that after 12 years of living with my husband’s Alzheimer’s Disease, and 2 years of him living in a nursing home, with me living at home alone, I thought I was prepared for his death. I thought that I had grieved and mourned until I could do no more. I was wrong. So very, very wrong.
I can only speak for myself, but the man by whose bedside I sat in Hospice House for 5 nights was the man I married and loved for 45 years, not the stranger Alzheimer’s Disease had put in his place. It is for that man that I am grieving so hard, there I times I can barely breathe. The depth of sadness, pain, and loneliness, is indescribable.
I did what I had to do – I packed up the Independent Villa that held nothing but bad memories, and a neighborhood of no peers my age, and moved to a lovely condo in an active development. I joined a Mah Jong group. I am going to join some other activities. I am “getting on with life”, as they say. Everyone tells me how wonderful I am doing. “You’re starting on your new, exciting life”, they tell me. “Enjoy it. You deserve it.”
Yes, I am doing what I am supposed to do, but make no mistake about it. I hate it. I hate that Sid is dead. I hate that he isn’t here to enjoy life with me. It simply is not fair that he had to suffer so much and that he died.
I am told that life is for the living; that I should get out and live, enjoy, travel, meet people, have fun. I told my counselor that I feel guilty, regardless of the fact that she says guilt serves no purpose. I can’t help how I feel. I feel guilty that I can go on and have “fun” and he is a pile of ashes sitting on my dresser. I don’t want to enjoy life without him.
Yes, there are times that I have felt a spark of happiness, something I barely recognized, as it has been so long since I felt it – setting up and decorating my new condo made me happy. Finding a Mah Jong group that was on my slow level made me happy.
But I have to do things on my own timetable, and I am not ready to fully engage in, and enjoy life without my Sid by my side. I don’t know, nor do I care, how long it will take, but if joi d’vie (sp?)is to come again for me, it will be when I am ready, most likely after a very long time of grieving.
I have not felt up to working on the website. I have not felt like doing much of anything. Whatever I do choose to do is accomplished through much self prodding.
Then, as if I did not have enough to deal with, along came a spider. To shorten a very long story, I will simply tell you that I have been very sick all week with an infected spider bite. After 2 ½ days on the largest antibiotic I have ever seen, this is the first day in a week that I feel well enough to actually get up and do something.
So that is the update from me. I do check in on the website, and I do plan to start doing more work on it, but everything for me is in slow motion. I cannot help that. It is what is for me at this point in my grieving process.
Can anyone who has lost their spouse relate to how I am feeling?
Yeah, I can relate totally. You just described me. It lightens gradually, Joan, like mist rising off the grass in the morning.
Or here's another analogy: I just plain stopped polishing our copper teakettle after he died. It got dull and tarnished, kind of grungy...I didn't care enough to polish it. I just finally started to polish it a couple of weeks ago. It is so tarnished that I can't get it bright and shiny all at once. So it is kind of odd looking--clearly in transition--as some of it is tarnished and some is a pretty, shiny copper color. So I'll polish that tea kettle once a week or so, gradually getting it 100% shiny and pretty again. But it's a process. There is too much tarnish and darkness to make it shiny and bright all at once. It will take time, but it's looking better.
Joan, I'm so sorry that Sid's loss is tearing you apart like this. You have suffered a grave injury and frankly, I don't see how you can fulfill your friends' expectations of starting "a new, exciting life," while you are still in deep mourning for Sid. On the other hand, I'm not too surprised that decorating your new condo gave you some happiness. I have always found that focusing on my creative side gives me a much needed break from grief. Although it does not dispel the sadness, it provides a distraction.
______________________________________ Picture this as 2 parallel lines with the top line suddenly pointing north...The format here won't cooperate with me and moves the /'s to the beginning of the new lines.
I learned this in my Griefshare support group. It helped me. I share it with you guys at the risk of you thinking I am nuts. The top line represents Tim...the bottom one is me. Where we are parallel it represents our lives together. We were happy. We shared everything. Then he left. (In my situation, I know that he is in the presence of Almighty God and that gives me comfort beyond measure!) I, too, was feeling so much guilt. Because of all the times I lost patience with him, because of the times I yelled at him and our situation, because I could do still some of our favorite things and go to our favorite restaurants and places without him, because I placed him, because I took a few days of respite the week before he passed...you guys know the drill...unbelievable guilt over everything! The upwards line is where HE LEFT ME. (HE went to Heaven) HE LEFT ME...I didn't leave him. I was with him throughout the journey. I did all the tasks involved in caregiving. Once placed, I fought like a mother tiger for his rights, wishes and his dignity. I did not abandon him. I loved him through to the end. HE LEFT ME. I am left behind now. I do not need to feel guilty every time I go to Dairy Queen and enjoy a blizzard (his favorite treat). I do not need to feel guilty about taking a trip to the beach or buying something new. HE LEFT ME! I am still among the living and I need to continue along on my path and figure out what the rest of my life will look like. I served in the role as his wife, best friend, playmate, lover and, in the end, caregiver. I did a good job. Now, it is time for me to move on...guilt free! HE LEFT ME....I NEVER LEFT HIM. Crazy as it sounds....this visual helped me.
Glad to hear from you Joan, you echo my feelings so well. I have returned to my yoga class, my knitting groups but nothing feels good. I am still going through the motions. Hospice got me into a bereavement group that meets for 6 weeks and is what I need now. The facilitator is a trained bereavement therapist and I think it will help me. I am hoping by the end of the group I can be done with groups. I have decided not to return to the Alzheimer's group as I refuse to allow,this disease to define the rest of my life. I have made what I would call 2 new friends or rather friends that I did not have before the disease but it is very slow going. I still want to be left alone and have to force myself out of the house. The thought of the holidays coming is depressing for me. I spend too much time on the I pad yet that seems all I want to do is mindless things. I do not seem to have guilt about his care but I have it when I think about moving on yet I have no idea what shape or form it will take. Putting into one foot in front of the other. I hate this grieving and hope it lets up soon.
SO good to hear from you Joan. I think of you so often. Thank you for finding the energy to touch base with us. You are doing exactly what you need to be doing. Go gently. Thank you to the others too - I often find myself nodding my head to the affirmative as I read your words. We are all in this together as horrid as it is.