This week I placed my dh in a care facility. A difficult process, but it is done. Now, as the holidays loom closer, I wonder what to do with dh as far as family gatherings are involved; do we include him or allow him to be blissfully unaware of what he is missing. I'm sure many of you have had the same wonderments. Do I take him to the family gatherings, knowing all the commotion is uncomfortable for him? We all want him to be happy, but in our world, that involves inclusion. I wonder if bringing him to a family gathering might not be counter to all we've already achieved with his adjustment to his new surroundings? I would like to include him, but not at the expense of his personal contentment.
What have any of you observed with your loved ones surrounding this issue?
How aware is he of the time of year? You kind of answered your own question by saying it would upset him too much. Maybe you could take him out and have a gathering of just a view - maybe the ones he is most fond of.
I would keep your options open and wait to see how he is when Thanksgiving and Christmas comes.
mothert, Way back in March, 2011 when I placed dh I brought him home for Christmas. I remember that as soon as dinner was over he kept heading to the car saying "Let's go". Grandkids wondered why he did not want to stay and open gifts. I took him back to the ALF and vowed never again. We now go to the NH the day before Christmas and on his birthday and have a small short gathering. He has no clue what's going on so I think we are gluttons for punishment. DD still gets her feelings hurt when he doesn't open the gifts. She is still clinging to denial. My suggestion is do whatever will make you feel the best. We just have to live and learn with this disease.
AliM I think you are so right. I sometimes wonder if we are doing them some good or is it just for us. On the other hand we really don't know how much they understand. I think a short visit to the residence might be the best answer.
I also agree with Alim. I stayed the day with my husband, but then, the rest of the family, including grandson 20 understood. They visited for a while, but kept things low-key. For us that worked. They are all different. It would be hard on small grandchildren. Good luck.
I suggest you leave him at the care facility. I don't see what you would gain by making him uncomfortable and comprising his adjustment and contentment.
Last year -- my husband's first in LTC -- I had Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners at the LTC facility, as did many other spouses of residents there. I did that because I thought he would like it but mostly because I wanted to be with him. We have not joined family for the holidays since a very difficult Thanksgiving in 2011 when he was stressed by interacting with a lot of people for several hours and I was stressed by worrying about him. Now that he is in LTC, I am able to join the family and if that meant a lot to me (which it does not), I would pay only a short visit to him and then go to the family event without him. As far as I am concerned, this decision is about him, not about me or anyone else.
Just to add a thought about weddings: If there is a marriage in the family, and someone in the hospital or a nursing home can't go, it is nice when the bride and groom, dressed to the nines in their wedding dress/tux, stop at the facility to make a brief visit. If the patient has any awareness at all, it is a nice thing to do. (And other patients and staff get a kick out of it--it is so nice to see the bride and groom--in a place where you don't usually see anything so gorgeous.)
Thank you all for your insights and comments. I do believe that the girls and I will make a trip to see papa the day before the holidays and leave everybody else at home. The grandchildren are a bit afraid of papa, anyway, and he doesn't remember them at all, really. So, we'll just see how it all goes.
I did make a call to him today after him being away for several days in his new home. I had to make up a story about me having a surgery to even get him to go (I hate the need to fib my way through difficult situations, but it does make it easier on everyone involved and mostly on him). He was so happy to hear from me and told me that everybody was so nice to him and that he was fine and being well-cared for - made my whole day brighter hearing him say that. He wanted to know when he could see me but wasn't too much more curious about the whole thing than that. I will be out of town for the next two weeks and others will drop by and I will call from time to time, but, in our case, absence does seem to make the situation better for now. I'm hoping that he will be well on his way to settling in by the time I return.
Up until a year ago we were having family events at my SIL's house since it was only an hour away from home and my wife's first ALF. We wanted to minimize the travel for her.
But since moving to the 2nd ALF we decided no more trips, even one that is only an hour since it is too much for my wife. We have been celebrating Thanksgiving and Xmas at the ALF. Last Xmas we then left my wife and went to my SILs. Since my wife is aware (though she is losing this awareness) of the holidays we simply don't tell her of other family plans.
But nothing else. She is unable to participate in other family events such as graduation and funerals.
She is no longer in our world and is slipping away every day. It isn't a matter of discomfort for others, the benefit for her would be so little compared to the stress of traveling. And now she is has a danger of falling so it would mean another reason for someone to constantly watch her.