This is a first for me & a game changer...Dan went out sometime this morning, don't know when (I was asleep on the sofa after a sleepless night), took the car (no longer has a license). The police are looking for him, the mall security has been alerted (he used to walk there every morning faithfully), our son is checking the bowling allies. I have to stay home in case he shows up.
Needless to say, I'm kind of a basket case right now....trying to keep occupied (ha!). He's had no breakfast, didn't take his medications.....what bothers me the most is how confused he might be, wherever he is.
I just need someone to talk to - thank you. Will let you know when he returns, by whatever means he returns.
Oh, Mim, you must be beside yourself with worry. My husband once disappeared like this, although he still had a license then. He returned more than 12 hours later, safe and sound but quite frightened. He could not remember where he had been, although receipts in his pocket showed he had filled the tank twice at gas stations within 20 miles from here.
Does Dan have any money or credit cards on him? Is he still able to read a gas gauge and to pump gas? One thing I did was to drive around to gas stations asking about him. Or if you think he might have used a credit card, maybe you could call the credit card company. If he has a cell phone and it is on, the police could track him from that, but I'm sure they would have mentioned this to you.
I will be thinking about you both and I'm sure others will be, too.
Mim - my heart goes out to you. (((hugs))). Please do not beat yourself up over it however it turns out - of course hoping for a safe return soon. We are only human, not invincible or perfect.
Prayers that they find him quickly and he is safe. Either he will be terrified or he will wonder what all the fuss is about. Hopefully a combination of both - enough terrified so he won't do it again.
Mim - how frightening. Praying that he will be home safe and sound very quickly. Was he wearing an I.D. bracelet saying he has memory loss? Thinking of you both.
Dan did come home, about 2 PM - neither of us knows just how long he was gone. Thank goodness for our police dept. - they have been super.
He has no idea where he was or why. Our son removed his car key from the ring, all that's left, for now, is the house key. That will probably be next. The police advised me of things I should do, such as an identity bracelet (going to be great trying to get him to wear that!), the alarms that will alert me if he's going out the doors, going to the DMV to have an emergency number put with the license number, so they would know who to call if they check the license plate. More to think about....
After our son got back to our house, after his searching, we were talking to Dan & I had a major meltdown. One of those cries that come from deep in the gut. We could tell that it really got to Dan, really bothered him to see me practically hysterical. Maybe kind of drove home the message that I just can't deal with this stuff. Well, for a while anyway- probably already forgotten.
He did ask me if he had left the house, if he walked or drove the car.....wow, it's really remarkable what can happen to a brain.
Anyway, time for my anxiety meds! He's in his rocking chair on the porch - thank goodness for a sunny, pleasant day. A tad cool, but with his jacket on, he's able to sit out there. By the way, there's about a quarter of a tank of gas gone, so he must have done some driving!
So glad he is home and safe. About the bracelet, let's hope he doesn't mind. I told him how good it looked, and that it would keep him safe. He accepted that and we kept it on all the time. You would sure need those anxiety meds.
OMG, Mim! And with all the crazy traffic out there! So glad he is safe and that you had your son and the police to help you. Try to get some relaxation now.
Probably a double key deadbolt should be on the list. My husband's neuro pushed me to get some form so we both wear a medic alert. Thankfully my hb does not mind it and hopefully because it is so early on that he is wearing it, it will never bother him. mine does't bother me either which surprises me since I have not worn a watch in years and hate jewelry.
Claude wore a MedicAlert emblem on a chain around his neck for several years prior to Alzheimers. He started taking it off and hiding it. I ended up getting a chain-link MedicAlert bracelet. He was right-handed so I put it on his right wrist and he tried but couldn't take it off using his left hand.
What a relief! I hope you both sleep well tonight.
Mim, Even though he never drove again after the incident I described, my husband was terrible about taking off on foot. The best thing I ever got was a Garmin GPS tracker made to attach to a pet's collar. (I attached it to his belt, near the kidney area.) The device allowed me to set up a virtual perimeter around the house. I set it up along our property line so he could walk around the yard without the thing going off. If he crossed the boundary line, it would send me a text message and an email. If you had a smart phone (which I bought for that purpose), it would also send an email and would display his location on a map. I can't tell you the number of times it alerted me. The product I used is no longer made but it looks like Garmin has another product that seems to do the same thing. (It's called a Tagg and there may be others.) The cost of the device is less that $100 and the tracking service I had was inexpensive. (In comparison, the tracker being promoted at that time by the Alzheimer's Assn. cost hundreds of dollars and the monthly fee was more than $35.00 - too much for us, along with everything else.)
What a scare. I hadn't had to deal with this problem.
Buy a medical alert bracelet both for yourself and for him. This way if he complains you can show that you wear one too. Yours should identify yourself as a dementia caregiver and who to call if anything happens to you.
GPS trackers can be worn on arm, leg or be part of a sneaker.
Hide your keys. His car key has been taken away, now be sure he doesn't steal yours.
Wow, he doesn't remember anything. No reasoning with him.
Thank you all for your concern & input. The house keys are hidden, so he can't get out tonight. He needs the keys to do that. I've had three other people mention the GPS now, so I'll need to look into that. Good idea to have medical bracelets for both of us...maybe that will help.
One of the officers (they have been just terrific!) suggested that I get rid of any candle. Now Dan has NEVER bothered with candles (it's a woman thing, you know), but apparently this officer had some experience with this kind of thing happening. Oh, my candles :(
Well, I'm going to try to relax (after two anxiety pills - of course, I only take a half at a time. That usually does it, but maybe not today).
Mim, Hope you get a good night's sleep tonight so you can carry on. This is such a difficult road to walk. My Rene got upset and angry and walked off, fortunately only once, in 2011. He just didn't know what was happening to him, and was so confused and upset, but fortunately it was daytime. I just walked behind, then beside him, and was able to calm him down and convince him to come home. Different situation, but I can understand your stress. It has to be so hard for them, not understanding what his happening ... so scary. I understand the anxiety pills!!! Take care, and keep strong.
Getting rid of candles are a good idea. You never know when they will do something they have never done before. More important hide or get rid of matches and cigarette lighters. Remove store controls (if electric consider shutting off circuit breaker for it except when you cook).
My husband disappeared for over 24 hours. He no longer had a license but that didn't matter to him. The police put out an instant alert because he was in danger. Usually an instant alert is only for children. We didn't know which direction he went. I called the credit card company and they read off recent charges which told me which direction he was headed. A police officer remained with me in my house the entire time. My daughter lived in the direction he was headed so the police down there were also on the lookout. I had photo copied his car registration, driver's license and plate #. He was eventually found wandering around in the parking lot of a hospital we had never been to. In his pocket was my daughter's business card. She had told her work place what was going on. Everyone converged on him and we got him safely back home. I sold both cars and hid the keys to my new one. The police told me the copies I had made really helped in the search. At one time during the search the police officer and I stood in my kitchen each holding cell phones, land lines and my daughter's phones coordinating the search.
Ahhhh, the stories I can tell. Before DH was dx'd in 2008 he got lost twice in the car. The first time was coming back from a college basketball game about 40 minutes away. He ran out of gas in the next state over about 1.5 hours away. I got a call at 4:30 am (he should have been home by midnight) from the local police dept that had him to come get him. They impounded his car and would only let a family member pick him up. My guess is that he got lost coming home from the game but it is entirely possible he went the wrong way and never got there. I'll never know. The second time he left early afternoon (without me knowing) and at 6:30 the next morning the state police called me at the NJ/PA border telling me they had my husband and stopped him going through a toll the wrong way. Once again they impounded his vehicle and wouldn't let him drive.
I was not as smart as bluedaze. After I got him, brought him home, took away the car and his keys did I check credit card receipts and ezpass. Based on what the card/ezpass charges showed he bought ice cream at the local grocery store (15 mins away) at 1:00 pm. There were several highway ezpass toll charges from PA to MD (MD is about 3+ hours from where we live) and there were several gas station charges throughout PA, DE and MD as well as NJ. He was lost for about 18 hours and apparently slept on the grass beside the highway some of that time because he told me he was looking for a hotel, couldn't find one and used the blanket I always keep in the cars.
Thankfully he did not hurt/kill himself or anyone else. That was the last time he ever drove. Although the police were understanding no one offered us suggestions like they have for you. One officer told me that even though I had informed the local police that he has dementia, if he hurt or killed someone he there would be no leniency because he has dementia. Scary thought on many counts.
LFL, What the officer told you was misleading. The police would likely charge a demented driver by the book, but a prosecutor might well consider the circumstances and adjust the charges accordingly and a court would have to consider the issue of criminal responsibility in conducting a trial and in sentencing. Still, no one wants their spouse to be in that position.
Today, all has been quiet. He seems more willing to just sii & watch TV. I figured he would be "different" today, even though he doesn't realize why - or even realize that he IS different today!
It's amazing to me how an emotional, stressful day like that has just knocked the life right out of me today....I've done a lot of sleeping (with him close by), we went to Perkins to eat tonight (I wanted a breakfast!), then slept some more when we got home. I'll probably be awake all night now, but the sleep sure felt good at the time. I can always read, or watch television to catch up on all the horrors that have been going on again! Probably won't do that though - my own personal stress is quite enough to handle right now!
PaulC, I have thought of the matches - those big ole kitchen matches I have in the drawer. Did anyone ever feel they needed to get rid of kitchen knives? Our son is going to get his guns out of the house (hunting rifles).
So glad everything turned out OK. Before I sold DH's car, he went to get gas and ended up miles away in a dangerous part of the city. Luckily a gas station owner called police who escorted him home. He had no memory of being lost. And, yes, I have hidden my knives, not that he is nasty, but you never know. So much to think about in keeping them safe.
Mim, I'm not surprised that you are drained and just needed to sleep...to take a big "time-out" so to speak. In terms of making the house safer, I found that I needed to enforce the no-smoking ban imposed by the cardiologist. It wasn't so much that his pipe-smoking was bad for his health (at his age with Alzheimers...who cared?). It was that he was getting careless about dropping ashes on his clothes and making burn holes, and falling asleep with the pipe...the aide and I were worried that he would set himself and/or the house on fire. And she and I were tired of the second-hand smoke, anyway. So all the smoking materials went away, and I was easily able to make the doctor the "bad guy."
The service revolver (retired policeman) was never, ever an issue, but I just didn't think it was a good idea for a demented person to have access to a weapon. So I kept it locked in a hidden safe in the basement. (No, we weren't rich enough to need a safe in the house. lol But it was there when we bought the house.) When we moved to the Heartland, I turned the gun in to the local NY police department before we left.
I know that kitchen and cooking issues are huge for some people, but fortunately, Larry could hardly boil water to make his tea, and by the time he declined enough to where we needed the aide, he was perfectly happy to let her or me do all the kitchen stuff. Much more troublesome were the driving issues, the lawn tractor issues, and the power tools issues. Fortunately the doctor contacted DMV about the driving--the state of NY revoked his license--I didn't have to be the bad guy. Same thing with the lawn tractor--the service company conspired with me to say that it could not be repaired, and just made it go away. So again, I didn't have to be the one who took the tractor away. As he just gradually declined mentally and physically and ended up on a walker, he stopped going down to the basement and using power tools. The big circular saw that scared me the most-- I had my s-i-l take away secretly. I don't think Larry even realized it was gone.
Mim, I was advised early on to get rid of all kitchen knives because DH was aggressive towards me. It was just not practical since I was cooking for us and there's no way you can prepare your own food without a knife (made from scratch, that is). So I had a lock put on one of my kitchen drawers and that's where I keep all knives now. He was never interested in trying to get into it, thank god.
Dan has never smoked, so that isn't an issue with us. Like Elizabeth's hubby, Dan has never done anything in the kitchen, except eat what came out of it! I don't know if he would mess with the knobs on the stove or not, but I realize strange things can happen. As for the knives, I've wondered how one could prepare any kind of meal without the use of a knife (of course, I have several - maybe a little overkill! But each one is useful in it's own way).
Mention of the power tools - that's something I need to think about. He used to spend a lot of time in the basement doing wood work (kind of sad when I see a project he started, just sitting there, never to be finished). I'll have to talk to our son about those - some can be sold, but don't know how to do it over the objections of Dan. So many things to think about.....
I refused to run around like a chicken with my head cut off, hiding, locking up, and throwing away things. People (even doctors) gave me a lot of unsolicited and disorganized advice (put child-proof locks on your cabinets, disable the stove, etc.), apparently based on miscellaneous stuff they heard. If I had followed all their instructions we would not have been able to live.
What I did was to watch my husband and see what he might get into. Although he was always the cook in our house, he stopped going near the stove and never touched a knife. He was not interested in candles. But he did open the pellet stove while it was running and the only thing I could do about it was to put a motion alarm on it and watch him like a hawk. Like others on this site, I had his guns removed from the house. They were locked away anyway and I was not sure if he remembered where but because of the potential for harm, I asked my brother-in-law to take them.
mim - maybe your son can find a way to disable them so they will not run. Maybe if the plugs are on one breaker and lights are on a separate one, the breaker could be turned off. Possibly just pull a wire on each tool so they won't work yet he won't be able to see it to repair it.
You really only need a couple of kitchen knives, and I would think it would be easy enough to hide them if need be without it being too inconvenient. Maybe other "sharps" like the potato peeler could be in the hiding place, too. But every household is going to be different...like Myrtle said, watch them closely and see what things they are going to get into. And sometimes measures put in place for their safety can result in them getting hurt by trying to avoid the safety measure. (Like if they can't get past the three door locks, they try to climb out the window...and get hurt.) There's no one-size-fits-all approach. You have to try to have eyes in the back of your head.
I think sometimes people hide or lock up their kitchen knives in case of break-ins. They don't want the bad guys to get a hold of them and use them as weapons. Or you might have to put them where the kids/grandkids can't get them. My eight and six year old grandchildren had one of the steak knives out in the yard for some purpose of their own...I had to read them the riot act.
Anyway, it's an individual thing to some extent. You know your own spouse best. And past a certain point, they just need pretty constant supervision.
Charlotte, things have quieted down. The weather has been really nice, he's been sitting on the front porch, in his rocking chair. I keep a close watch on him though. Not taking anything for granted anymore! I'm sleeping okay, I have all the house keys hidden from him, except when we need them during the day. All quiet on the western (or midwestern!) front - for now!
The only thing that has been different is that he had a little "accident" at Sam's Club the other day - #2, if you get my drift. That was pleasant! He knows he has to go, but he just can't make it in time sometimes.....sigh.
How did you manage that, Mim, if you don't mind sharing? Is he using some kind of incontinence briefs, or did you have to do laundry when you got home? Did you have to leave, or was it minor enough that you could finish the shopping?
Let's just say I thought it was minor. I guess it was, but since he was wearing a jacket that covered somewhat over the buttocks area, it covered the spot so that I didn't know it till we got home. He was in the men's room a very long time & I was pretty certain that he was in trouble, but of course I couldn't check on him. I asked a fellow who was a maintainance guy if he would go in to make sure Dan was okay. He came out in a little while & said for all the world to hear "yeah, he's okay, he's sitting on the toilet"!!! Anyway when Dan came out he said he felt better & we continued looking for what I wanted. After that, we came home & I told him to check his underwear - well, it had to be thrown away! His jeans & sweatshirt needed to be washed (it was on the back of the jeans & the bottom of the sweatshirt. ( Yes, he wore both a sweatshirt AND a jacket! ) I never noticed any odor.
Maybe that was why they cleared out a check out line for us!!! Hehehe.......(not really). I know if this keeps happening, I have to start buying different "undies" - that will be a battle royale!
Elizabeth, I don't mind sharing - we have no secrets on the website!!!! :)
The way I got Larry to switch to the padded undies was to just gradually throw out his underwear as it became stained. He didn't like it (yes, a battle royal, as you said, Mim)...but when he had nothing else in his drawer except the padded briefs, he had no choice but to wear them. (He preferred his traditional boxers, but I couldn't find any sort of shielded or padded boxers.) I did find that I had to be very careful to buy the padded briefs with a functional fly. Some of them look like "normal" briefs, but there is no fly. And of course eventually we got to the point where it was Depends all the way. By that time he was bonkers enough to where he didn't object.
This is kind of depressing, but after he died and I had to take his clothes to the funeral home, I thought he didn't have any underwear left, and he would have to be laid out in a Depends under his nice Knights of Columbus tuxedo. Fortunately, I did find a couple pairs of nice briefs under all the Hospice stuff in the dresser, and he was laid out with nice underwear on. Just seemed more dignified.
Mim, You say that all doors are locked and you hide keys from him, please have key where you can get it in case you have to get out of the house in a hurry (as in case of fire, etc.), perhaps on lanyard around your neck or some other way. I knew of a lady who had a keyed dead bolt and couldn't get out in an emergency. Please be aware and not have something like that happen to you. Stay safe.
dorielMI, thanks for the warning. The housekeys are right by me at night (we sleep in separate rooms). At this point, he doesn't even know that I'm doing that. Also, my own house key & car keys are in my handbag, which is also close to me.
Elizabeth, where would I find padded briefs? Although, I have to say, the few times it has happened I'm not sure a padded brief or even a full Depends would help! It's loose & he just can't make the toilet seat in time. You know, as I look back, anytime he was anxious or nervous, or upset, or excited about anything, it seemed to go straight to his bowels. Of course, he used to know it was coming & made it to the john.
Mim, I used to just buy Larry's disposable ones at the Giant Eagle.
Before that, I had ordered him the cloth ones with padding from two or three different places, kind of experimenting to see which ones worked the best...but truthfully, I preferred just getting him the nicer disposables--not the most economical--but I just chalked it up to "oh, well." I saw it as a medical care cost--figured the man had worked his whole life...if nothing else, he might as well have decent incontinent products. lol
And to be honest with you, even after rinsing and washing his underwear out by hand, I did not like throwing it into the same washer that my clothes and linens were in. Too finicky, I suppose, and probably could have been more frugal...but I preferred to have him in disposables and then just throw them out. When he went onto Hospice, they supplied reams of their brands of "Depends."
Some websites...and there are many.
amazon.com Look for men's incontinent products under Health and Personal Care
weareverincontinence.com
locostmedicalsupply.com
tena.us
hdis.com
You might want to try calling customer service at some of these places, to find out what they recommend for the sudden "coming out of nowhere" bowel incontinence. There are a lot of people out there with Crohn's, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, etc.--so a lot of folks need these kinds of products.
Mim, I forgot to say that locally you will also find these products in any of the pharmacies, at Walmart, and perhaps at BMS on 224, although I never got them there.
Mim, you might talk to DH's physician about adding a bulking agent like Citracel (it comes in powder or pill form). That might absorb some of the liquid and firm things up a bit.