WOW! You know I really am either dumb or stupid or blind. Maybe I live in this fantasy world where everyone gets it. My Step-son is again causing emotional stress for his dad. He just can't get it through his thick skull that his Dad obsesses on anything controversial. There are things we have to do and not do now to keep him in as good a place as we can. This step-son has never accepted me in 45 years of marriage to his Dad. Has caused major upsets in the family over the years and thinks he knows it all. He only visits his Dad maybe twice a year and that's it but boy when he does it is hell for me. Example .. He gives us a Costco card each year and this year he was asked to put it in my name not his dad's as Dad is in long term care and I do all the shopping and it is for just me now. Not going to happen. Dad then told him to cancel it and I will get my own, but now until I was told how cruel and mean I am because I don't want even this amount of control over my life. Then there was the " anything we say during this visit is to stay between us" DH not able to remember to keep secrets so out it all comes. All of it even things about our other son's difficulties. D H doesn't need these things dumped on him. We are not able to give him a heads up when we are to visit. He doesn't sleep, stresses about what is going to be said, what we are going to do, so it was suggested by a councillor that everyone email me to let me know when they were visiting to just make sure he is not sick, Dr.'s appointments or if someone else was visiting. This guy is the only one to ignore this request. So LTC suggested DH tell him what he experiences if he thinks about a visit ahead of time. So DH tells him and asks him to email me as the others do. I give up my visits to accommodate them as they travel further. This brat says" why! To get permission?" This upsets Dad so much that he obsesses all night, sleeps all the next day, doesn't want to eat. He didn't sleep the night before the visit but slept all day before his son arrived. Then son takes him out to a really busy college student type restaurant. Upset again. I have to talk to the Dr. next week. He may have to call this guy or send a letter. I just don't understand this guy. It's not about me or him!! It's about his Dad.
Thanks for listening to me rant. It's either you or him and talking to him has never worked.
It may be necessary for the facility to simply tell this individual that he is not allowed to visit. I have seen that done in the past when family members were too disruptive and harmful to the patient.
I think your stepson gets it. He's just being a brat, as you say. The idea about the letter from the doctor is a good one but the doctor can't cover every possible eventuality in one letter and I suspect that this jerk will continue to think up creative ways to disrupt the cooperative system you and your other family members are using, whether it's the Costco card, announcing upcoming visits in advance, taking his father to unsuitable restaurants, etc. Good idea to talk to the doctor about this. It would be too bad if your son were banned from the facility, as Elizabeth suggests, but that might be necessary. Hang in there, Jazzy!
I ditto - ban son from visiting. Others had to do for the good of both the parent in there and the caregiver - in this case you. The staff can not allow him in if they are given the instructions.
I know someone who bans her husband's family from visiting him because they upset him so much and will not obey any requests. There is also a fear of possible kidnapping or attempting to get him to sign legal papers.
So perhaps banning the step-son is a step.
If you want to give him one last chance give him simple rules (e-mail you beforehand, nothing to upset his dad, etc). Probably ban him from taking your husband out of the facility since he has shown poor judgement and you probably can't trust him to keep your husband safe. He the step-son is upset and says stuff like "I need your permission to visit my own father" just say yes. I think explaining the reasoning for any rules is a waste of breadth.
Jazzy, I would have the facility not let anyone take your husband out. I think you should have the authority to do this and then his son could only visit him. I have found it impossible to restrict visitors as they can get in without anyone knowing but they do keep close tabs on the residents leaving. Of course you hb is still walking so is harder to keep an eye on him. Our NH puts bracelets on ambulatory residents that will set off alarm if they trying to leave, also on wheelchair bound ones who can move about on their own. Stepson could try something crazy like Paulc suggested and that could be a disaster for hb and you. Hope things get better for you.
I finally had to have a lawyer send a letter saying that the stepson's visits would be banned if he continued to upset his father and interfere with his treatment. He complied. The facility staff are busy and cannot always be vigilant. My husband's ex-wifehad to be banned, but she used to pass herself off as "his cousin" and then go in and start a screaming session. My lawyer wrote to her that the facility had advised me to call the police if it happened again. It didn't.