Just feeling very emotional today, for no really good reason....nothing dramatic has happened, no words said that shouldn't be said, pretty much nothing today. Yet I feel so low, so dead inside. Someone had posted on my FB page the video of "September Song" by Willie Nelson. Made me cry, & I've been doing that pretty much since. And I don't even like Willie Nelson!!! :)
I guess it just seems to me that Dan's waking up annoyed me....has anyone else ever had feelings like that? I've been on my knees (not because I fell...just praying!!) & don't even know what to say there.For the most part, since my change to a new anti-depressant I've been feeling pretty good, but not today. Is it because of a full moon, maybe?? Or just the change in weather? Or maybe I'm just finally losing it myself.
I guess the tears are good for me - I don't cry all that much & maybe I need some release. These are things that I don't share with others, why bother. So I come here & pour out the good, the bad & the ugly (not too often, though).
Maybe I'll take him for a ride in the park, even though it's becoming cloudy. He seems to enjoy that. I would love to just go by myself, but I know he needs to get out & away too. Boy it's really true, how the caregiver's life becomes completely wrapped around the AD person. Days like this I think I can't wait for the "unwrapping", but I also realize that won't be a cakewalk either - it will bring on a whole new set of problems for me. Be careful what you wish for, I guess!
Thanks for all the shoulders to cry on.....appreciate all of you.
Mim, I know this sounds a little like the Twilight Zone or something, but I seriously wonder if it's the "Blood Moon" and the impending lunar eclipse that is making you a little emotional. I am feeling a little jumpy, too...I started noticing it last night coming home from the park, when the moon just seemed so large, bright, and a little weird...like it was too close to the earth or something. And tonight it will be as close to the earth as it's going to get until 2033...plus the eclipse. So I do think these things can affect us. I've had kind of a stomach ache for no reason, and felt a little teary earlier today...again, for no reason.
And I do think the somewhat different weather, now that we're past the autumn equinox, is playing a role. There is such a sense of the turning wheel of the seasons. "To every thing, turn, turn, turn...there is a season...turn, turn, turn." I keep thinking that the season is changing, but again, for this second September since Larry died, the season is changing without him. I can't explain, but it has a certain poignancy, and makes me feel nostalgic. Like the Bruce Springsteen song, "I'm still here...but he's all gone."
I appreciate you, too. Guess we're both emotional today.
September is such a time of loss and every one of us has lost so much. The tune that has been going through my head for days the Canadian song, "Four Strong Winds, especially the chorus:
Four strong winds that blow lonely, seven seas that run high All those things that don't change, come what may But our good times are all gone, and I'm bound for moving on I'll look for you if I'm ever back this way.
I have been having those 'downers' about every 3-4 weeks it seems. I will have days where I can't stand the sight of him, can't stand thinking of more years of this, etc. Maybe it does coincide with the full moon even though I don't remember ever being affected by it. All I know is I am just tired of this disease, of my life being no hold only doing what is for him. I am just getting over a cold (first in years) and he has it. Of course, he being a man has hacking cough that drives you crazy. He has had a cough for a long time but I attribute it to the AD since the doctor can't find a reason. This is from the cold. I gave him iburpofen, cough syrup with expectant (which he won't blow his nose so does no good), gave him a cepacol (for me works good cause it numbs the throat and signal to cough a lot). He is still downing his regular cough drops which none does good if he drinks while sucking on it since it then just washes the cough suppressant off his throat. I GIVE UP!! I have all sorts of tricks I use to suppress the cough besides cough drops. Try to tell him and he won't even try them (never has all the years we have been married).