I am so lost. I am married to someone who has Alzheimer's and is very emotionally abusive to me. We have been married for 29 years and he has always used the threat of divorce to keep me "in line" beginning on our honeymoon. Somehow it's always been my fault. Now that he has been diagnosed with this disease, it has become much worse. I hate to even admit this, but I'm almost hoping that the disease progresses quickly to the point that will bring me some peace. The emotional abuse isn't a new thing brought on by Alzheimer's behavioral changes but it is getting worse I'm sure because of it. I finally broke down and reached out to a counselor and didn't find it particularly helpful. I have read articles that tell you to keep a sense of humor. Really? Not in my world. I look ahead to a dismal future with me having to care for a person who has never treated me with respect and for whom I have lost all feelings. Now if there is anyone out there with some suggestion for me other than "agree with everything they say", "keep a sense of humor",etc. I would be so thankful. I can't even find tears anymore.
This might not be a popular response, but I do not believe that anyone has to stay with an abusive spouse and care for them. Sorry, but I don't. And if I were you, having had divorce thrown in my face so often, I'd feel justified in using it myself. It sounds like your husband has already done enough damage to you to last a lifetime.
Caregiving for someone with dementia is difficult enough if you love them, and if they have treated you with love. I couldn't do it for someone who had treated me badly. Your husband had an opportunity over the years to put love and devotion into the relationship--sort of like putting money in the bank for a rainy day--and he didn't do it. Now it's that rainy day, and his "account" is not just empty, but overdrawn. And he's the one that did it, not you.
My husband and I loved each other, and worked hard at our marriage. It's been over 12 years now since he was diagnosed, and I feel like caregiving has sucked every bit of life out of me and left only an empty shell. Look several years into your future. Do you still want to be providing care then, if your husband is still alive? Don't let anyone make you feel guilty if the answer is no.
4Dogs, Ditto to Jan K's response. At least start to prepare by getting some finances for yourself to survive in place. Don't wait until it might be too late as he might not be competant to divorce him.
I had a very loving, kind helpful spouse until this terrible disease took that person away and left a domineering, bossy know it all that is verbally abusive. I find it hard to visit him as I never know who will show up, the nice guy or the nasty one. It's hard to be a loving caregiver if as the other have said, if you had a loving relationship, but I would not have put up with the abuse if he hadn't gone into long term care. As they have said above, get your finances in order and then decide if you want to continue with this life or not.
4Dogs, for most women it is hard to make yourself the priority, but given your history I think the time has come to put your health and happiness at the top of the 'to do' list. I hope you have supportive family members and friends who can help make it happen. All the best to you.
You are not alone as you can see if being stuck with a guy you have little feelings for and can't wait until the end. My husband did not abuse me like yours but he did do something years ago that killed my love for him and trust. We stayed together because I did not think I could survive on my own with two kids and I felt I deserved the betrayal and alienation. I finally got counseling to help understand I didn't but I felt it was too late to leave him. Plus, we did have a lot in common. As for a counselor, try another. It can take a while to find the right one. And if they tell you to suck it up, smile and live with it - run as fast as you can.
I do not have any 'sense of humor' with this disease. There is nothing funny or humorous about them repeating the same thing for the 100th time or asking the same question for the 100th time; or telling them to change their underwear, it is shower day, you been wearing the same clothes for a week - time to change; take your pills, etc.
I can't wait for this to be over - been 7 1/2 years since diagnosis for us.
I would say to make sure finances are in order, DPOA, etc. Also, have a small bag packed just in case you need to make a quick get away. Keep your cell phone and car keys nearby in case he gets physically violent. And then decide if you want to stay through this. If you want to leave, now would be the time to explore that. We have had other spouses here who choose to divorce, so it has been done. You need to consult an attorney to find out the state laws regarding divorcing an spouse with dementia.
either way, we are hear. Feel free to vent anytime.
You are experiencing two completely different things. One is long-term spousal abuse and the other is Alzheimer’s care giving. The advice you are reading (“Agree with what they say” and “Keep a sense of humor”) are recommendations for Alzheimer’s care giving; they are NOT suggestions for dealing with spousal abuse.
After 29 years of abusing you, your husband is not going to change his behavior. So you have to decide how you are going to change yours. Since he kept you in line all this time by threatening divorce, I’m guessing that you did not want a divorce. Do you want one now?
Anyone who has a spouse with Alzheimer’s should consult an elder law attorney for advice about financial issues, health care proxies, powers of attorney, etc. If you are thinking about whether to leave your husband, you also need advice about financial and other ramifications for someone who divorces a spouse with Alzheimer’s. That information will allow you to make a decision on whether divorce would be feasible.
I also suggest that you consult a counselor who specializes in domestic abuse. This is vital whichever direction you take. If you decide to leave your husband, you will need moral support to help you take each necessary step. If you decide to continue to live with your husband, you are going to need both emotional support and strategies to deal with him and to protect yourself from abuse.
I’m so sorry that your spouse has dementia and even more sorry that he is abusing you. An unhappy marriage is one thing but domestic abuse is quite another.
4Dogs, I have not exactly been in your shoes, although our marriage hasn't been the "love story" of so many on here. But my thought would be, after 29 years of crap (if you'll pardon the expression), I think it's time for you. Do what you must do to make sure things are in order & as Elizabeth said "get out of Dodge". I imagine it won't be easy or smooth, but you must think of yourself now. Dig down deep, find your strength (it's there) & self respect and GO!
To all of you who responded, I do thank you and feel humbled by your caring advice. You have no idea how often I've fantasized about just walking away. I don't even care if it requires me to live more simply. Oh! That I had only become a nun! The person I am today would never have married him.
I am subject to an airtight prenuptial agreement which I signed at his insistence through an attorney HE sent me to. He has also made sure that nothing was owned jointly - not our home, our cars, nothing. I do work, but it is for HIS company and am paid by the hour and can only work about 6 hours a day so I'm not making a lot. I have saved as much as I can but I have to pay for all my own expenses. So as a consequence, and being almost 65 (yuck) my earning years are limited. So all this is to say that this is why I haven't left. Or perhaps it's my excuse for not being more courageous. I feel selfish when I complain, but when I look at my future, I do t feel like I have one and that's when I become extremely dejected and feel like my life is already over.
I am so sorry. We live and learn but unfortunately all too often that 'live and learn' comes back to bite us. Most of us have been or are still in that place where we see no future. You are not being selfish, you are being honest. I am 62 and have many days like that. Then I have days I dream of the future without him tagging along behind me. I was married at 18, so have no idea what being on my own will be like. It will be just me, my dog and social security!
4dogs, I am so sympathetic to your situation. Can you harden your heart and steel yourself to the point of thinking of yourself only as a paid caretaker in interactions with this sick (very sick in so many ways) person? No longer wife, not friend, not helpmate, you are just a daily employee doing what is necessary to keep the situation smooth. If divorce isn't possible, perhaps emotional and mental separation is?
It sounds to me as if the only support you may have is whoever gave the diagnosis. Can you make a relationship and stay in close touch there? If the situations worsens, you will need help to place him when you can no longer manage safely in the house.
I concur with all the comments preceding mine as well.
You will need to step up and take responsibility as you never have before. It is hard to do that, but IT IS OKAY to do!
All of us are rooting for you. We hear your voice. We are here to listen.
And another thought: On whose authority do you know that it is an "air tight pre-nup"? If his and his lawyers, you might want to have an independent lawyer look at it.
What a horrible situation. I am sorry that you didn't leave him on your honeymoon.
I am seeing you in possibly a worse situation than you think. I have a few suggestions.
1) Try to find another therapist or counselor. Some times it takes a few times before you find someone who clicks.
2) You need a lawyer to review the prenup. It was made a long time ago and I wonder if it is enforceable. State laws might override it, you might have more rights than you realize. I am not familiar with prenups so I cannot give any advice beyond.
3) You need to get the regular legal stuff done for someone in your situation. Power of Attorney (POA), Durable Power of Attorney (DPOA), and Medical Power of Attorney (MPOA). I suspect that you don't have these because he is so controlling. A POA allows you to act as his agent while he is competent but you cannot override his wishes. A DPOA takes affect once he is declared incompetent, without it, once incompetent there would be a need for a guardian to be appointed for him (likely you), which gets expensive and bothersome. A MPOA allows you to make medical decisions for him and to talk with his doctors. There is a danger that he may spend or give away all of his money. Also review his will, as Elizabeth asked, will you actually inherit anything when he dies.
4) An eldercare lawyer can help with legal issues related to his dementia including preserving as much of his estate for you as possible, especially thinking of a Nursing Home.
It is possible you might be financially better off divorcing him but there are many variables. He might run through all of his money. Someone else might get his money on his death (he sounds like a SOB). But you need someone to help you work through these issues.
Make your decisions based on what is best for you, not him.
In answer to Elizabeth's question, it is not at all nosy of you to ask about what I might inherit. I honestly do not know. At times he has said I will be taken care of but then he tells me our grandsons will get it. His will, which I have never been privy to seems to fluctuate as often as his moods. So I find it best to assume the worst and plan on having to support myself.
As to your comment CarolVT, that is what I did not too long ago because I had thought that the prenup expired after 15 years. The attorney I consulted said it was the most "airtight" prenup she had ever seen but that sadly, a lot of powerful wealthy men do just that. However, I do plan on getting a second opinion to see what rights I do have given these new circumstances and some 14 pages of notes he scribbled that I discovered while helping him search for something else. He doesn't know I saw them and I will not tell him. But it was very disturbing and left me very shaken.
Sometimes it is better to walk away with nothing. But, as I can attest to it can take a lot of courage to do something I never had. One bright spot if he has made that much money and paid into social security, at 66 you could retire and collect on his which is probably more than yours. The big question being self employed is did he pay into Social Security.
I hope you can find some answers that give you some hope for the future. In the meantime, keep yourself safe. If there are signs of physical violence do not hesitate to call police or at least get out.
Forgive my bluntness in taking elizabeth’s question one step further: Is it worth it to you to hold out for an inheritance or should you bail out now?
Before you decide on a plan of action, you need legal advice tailored to your unique situation. In order to properly advise you, your lawyer will need specific information about your husband’s assets, not only whose name they are in but what form they are in (stock in his company, brokerage accounts, trusts, insurance policies, etc.) You will probably have to do some snooping to get this info. Also, dig out his recent tax returns, which should reflect both his earned and investment income. (I'm assuming you live in the U.S.) As far as income goes, Charlotte made an excellent point about Social Security. (Yes, self employed people do contribute to and receive Social Security.)
Keep in mind that most states will not allow someone to completely disinherit a spouse. (The minimum a spouse is entitled to is known as the “forced share” or the “spousal share.”) But even if you have an expectation of an inheritance, you need to consider whether there would be much left to inherit if your husband were in a long term care facility (which can eat up $100,000 per year, more or less). Also keep in mind that your husband can change his will as long as he is competent. Finally, you should have your own durable power of attorney, health care proxy, and similar documents. Since he has dementia (and for other obvious reasons), he should not be named to act on your behalf. You should also have your own Will.
After you have been armed with the facts and with independent legal advice, you'll be in a better position to make a decision.
I have stayed with a husband all of whose faults as a husband were the same things that got much worse as a result of his disease, though it wasn't abuse. I stayed because I didn't want the responsibility to fall on our young adult children, and because I felt responsible for him. I arranged separate bedrooms and put him in a nursing home when I had reached my limit. I'm actually spending my own inheritance caring for him, hopefully not for very much longer.
Is your husband rich enough to be used to having servants, that he will hire help that will take some of the burden off you?
Yes, 4Dogs, keep us in the loop, even if just to say you are OK. I echo everybody else who thinks you need to hook up with a good family law and elderlaw attorney, but if for some reason you don't do that...or at least not yet...let us know how you're doing.
We had another poster on here (some of you may remember "In jail")who was in genuine physical danger, and she just went off the radar screen. So we don't know whether she got herself and her animals out of a scary situation...or just decided to hang in there...or what. It is worrying.
There is absolutely no judgement here--only support. Different people handle things in different ways, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer. So do stay in touch when you get a chance.