Nikki -you and Lynn have a special love that rarely is ever seen. It is no surprise this is so painful and devastating. Sounds like you are getting the help that you need to get you started to have some sort of life, but I really doubt you will ever come close to filling that huge void left by Lynn's passing. But, you will go on for Lynn, he would have wanted that.
Be kind to yourself, take all the time you need. Don't let others guilt you into feeling you should be moving on. You are where you need to be at this time in your life. Healing will come at the pace right for you.
Yes, Nikki, I can only echo everything that Charlotte said so well. And I know...I Just Know...that the great love you and Lynn had for each other will get you through this, and bring you to joyfulness in the end. That you had (and have) a love like that is a wonderful thing. The bereavement journey cannot be avoided or evaded...in order to heal, we all have to walk through the fires. But I know you will find light and new life...a new world for you... at the end of the tunnel, and that Lynn will be with you forever...just in a different way. Life ends, yes...but love is timeless. Love never ends.
Dear Nikki, I completely understand these words that you wrote:
"I am grieving for TWO great loves lost.... my husband whom I married, loved, cherished and shared my life with... and then my husband-child that was held an unwilling captive be the chains of Alzheimer's. I love them both unconditionally and completely!! I did not resent the childlike man he became, I love and adore him!!! And I miss them BOTH, so so much!!!"
I feel the same way about my husband (who is still very much alive). He was a wonderful man and is now a sweet child. Two people. I am thinking of you and hoping that your suffering will begin to back off a little so you can catch a breath once in a while. Please continue to let us know how you are doing.
Dear Niki........They say there's a time to laugh and a time to cry. For me........My time to laugh is when I get up in the morning and look in the mirror..........My time to cry is when I read your stories.
Dear Niki: Life goes on..at whatever pace you chose No need to rush away from what you're feeling.
The good Lord gives and takes... Be thankful for all you had and still have. Like georgestreit says: Getting up in the AM looking in there mirror and I'll add the sun is shining and it's a beautiful day... Thank you for all I had and still have, life is good
I am here, I am reading. Thank you to all who commented. I don't have much to spare at the moment. Grief it seems has made me selfish for the first time in my life. Or perhaps not selfish, as I do care about others, I just don't have the energy or ambition to follow anyone else's pain but my own right now.
I am far far from feeling "life is good". I am sure one day I will, but not any time soon.
There is a quote I am sure you have all heard, it remains one of my favorites.. "It has been said time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but it is never gone." - Rose Kennedy.
Right now, my mind is still trying to protect my sanity...
Nikki do you think that your beloved Lynn would want you you to suffer so much? From what I have taken from so many of your writings, that he would want you to live for both of you, to celebrate his life and your lives together.
I am at a point now where, even though Kevan still lives, I wonder how I will live without him if he dies before me.
I hope you understand how much we need your knowledge and expertise. You were the best caregiver and have so much to offer us.
Your love will get you through it, Nikki. I know it is wrong to say "I know how you feel", but if anybody "gets it" it is the people on this website. I think we know how you feel more than outsiders would. And I think this great grief...the pain and suffering...just has to be gotten through. Somehow. With much suffering and difficulty. But there is new life on the other side. There is, Nikki. Throwing you our rope--here it is--I knotted the end for you. Just hold on tight. Arms around. ((( )))
Do you remember when people on this site used to say "welcome to the club that no one wants to join"? Well, now you're a member in the second club that no one wants to join...hope you will have the strength to endure the grief and take comfort in the fact that you survived Lynn's illness and ensured he got the care he deserved. I am glad I was able to do that for Steve and take pride in the fact that although AD caregiving was the roughest thing I've experienced in my lifetime, it didn't break me and I am able to have a happy, productive life again. I wish you only the best and hope you will heal and remember all the good years with Lynn.
Thank you ladies ((hugs)) Marilyn, it is wonderful to hear from you! Just like nobody understood our life with dementia, I also feel only those who have lived it can understand the grief. In time I know the pain will not be as sharp. It hurts like nothing I ever imagined, the pain is crippling.... But I remind myself, how many times did I feel I could not survive the devastation of losing Lynn inch by inch, year after year, after year....
But, I did. And not only that, the love remained! And I found joy every single day just being in his presence. And now, I just need time to heal, adjust and adapt.
Lynn lives within me, that is my comfort and my strength.
I am so sorry about the loss of your beloved Lynn. I am still adjusting and healing as well, and I will think of you in solidarity as we travel this painful path.