I just had to sign on to let my friends here know.
Thankfully, the very end was gentle and peaceful. One day when I am stronger, perhaps I will share more..,
But for now, I leave the same advice I did years ago... Right now, right this very moment.. Is the best it is ever going to be... Try to forget the daily struggles if only for mere moments..: Just enjoy them.... Just love them and treasure them!!
And be gentle with them, and try to remember, none of this is their fault. Darling little buggers
Nikki, I was just thinking of you this week. I am so sorry. I know your heart is in so much pain. You were awesome in your care of Lynn. Much love and soft hugs to you.
Nikki, I am so sorry for your loss. You have been an inspiration to many of us and have taught me how to be generous and gentle with my husband as he struggles through this disease. I send prayers and wishes that you find peace and comfort in memories of the great love the two of you shared.
Nikki, I am so very sorry for your loss. The love the two of you shared was amazing. The care you gave him was inspiring. He is now forever safe and well. Our hearts and prayers are with you.
Please accept my deepest sympathy on the death of your dear Lynn. The road has been a long and difficult one for you both. I hope you will find the strength to get through the upcoming months. I will keep Lynn and you in my prayers.
Nikki, So very sorry for your loss. You were the best of caregivers, and while I know you will miss him terribly, he is at peace. God bless you as you try to go on. Margaret
Nikki, so very sorry for the loss of your Lynn. Your caregiving journey was an inspiration to us all! I am glad it is over for him. And I agree...he is in the best of hands now!!!
Nikki, sorry for your loss. I have thought of you often during my trials and gained great support from your actions. I recommended Marinol to a friend just last week.
Sorry Nikki for your loss. You fought a long and hard battle with Lynn. You kept fighting this disease when everyone else said to give up. Your love for Lynn was super special and he knew it.
Nikki, you and Lynn lived a true love story. You taught me patience, tolerance and compassion while dealing with the effects of this horrible disease but most of all your spirit and actions reminded me that I am with my husband out of love, not obligation and the joy that can bring to us both. Yes it is hard and yes it is overwhelming at times but we should never forget they are still the person we chose to love. Thank you dear friend for your courage, your endless demonstrations of what it means to love unselfishly and your fighting spirit. You have helped make my journey as a dementia spouse more hopeful, compassionate and meaningful.
It is time for your dear soul to rest and recuperate. I pray the worst is not yet to come for you but if it does, I know you will prevail.
Nikki, your courage in the face of long odds and your unswerving loyalty to Lynn have been inspirations for many of us here. You've fought the good fight -- now it's time for rest. We'll hold you close in our thoughts and hearts in the days ahead.
Dear Nikki, I'm so sad to hear of your darling Lynn's passing. The love you had was an inspiration to me and many others. I wish you peace and hope that the joyful memories steady you through your grief.
Dear Nikki- may the love you shared see you through these sad times ahead. Its knowing we have done all we could do to make their last times on this Earth happy and smiley that will see us through. Yours was indeed a kindred journey and I send a warm embrace of understanding and peace to you and yours. Divvi*
Nikki, you and Lynn will always be together in your heart. I hope you will now allow the doctors to heal you! We've been friends such a long time now, and you have meant so much to me and to others. We need to you hang around a lot longer. You remain in my thoughts and prayers.
"As the world moved forward... I stood in great darkness. Frozen, broken, And shattered into pieces. I knew it was real.... You were gone.
Your death, Changed me... It took me with you. "
I do not know how I can possibly survive this...... When Lynn was wasting away, I made a deal with God that I would stop praying that I could go with him... If He allowed Lynn to pass peacefully.
Lynn was a gentle with me as he possibly could have been!
Not an hour before he died, Hospice was in and told me the horrors that would happen to him over the next day or two. But, not my sweet Lynn! Somehow, someway, he spared us both that particular hell.
He was sleeping so peaceful, as he had for several days.... Like I did countless times... I leaned across him to whisper in his ear, our saying... Two more kisses...
I kissed him once Kissed him twice... and with my lips still pressed to his temple... I felt his last breath, Deep, yet gentle,,, upon my cheek and whisper through my hair.
As his Hospice doctor said... you might not have gotten your Notebook ending... But that is as close to a fairytale ending that one can possibly get in death.
And I know it IS a gift... and I AM so very very grateful!! But.. but... but...
Nikki, your description is simply beautiful. After your wonderful love for each other throughout the years, you both deserved a peaceful and loving end to your life together. May you find some strength and comfort in the days ahead.
Nikki, I too understand the feeling of being lost. You will be together again. The kind of love you shared is so rare and so special. Wishing you all the best at this time.
Nikki, I haven't been around for a while, but I always remember you and admire your spirit and your caregiver's heart. You were an inspirational spouse/caregiver who taught many of us the art of loving the man and hating the disease. It is a total destruction disease, devouring all in its path, but we all know that. The way we all handle all that entails while trying to be patient, loving and attentive to our spouses takes some training and your were the most amazing trainer of all for us --- thank you from the bottom of my heart.
My heart hurts for you and your loss. At the same time, it sings for Lynn's deliverance to heaven and the Father above. He finally rests in peace and is enjoying all the joys of heaven. Hallelujah!
Don't be a stranger. I, for one, still covet your gentle spirit and loving insight. I am forever grateful to you, Nikki. May God be with you!
Nikki, I was deeply moved by your loving tribute to your dearest Lynn and description of his passing. The sweetness, the love, and the tenderness between you two in those last minutes was almost palpable even though I do not know either of you. I am so very sorry for your loss and hope that all your wonderful memories will one day bring you solace.
Nikki, I am sorry to hear of Lynn's passing. I know there isn't really anything anyone can say at a time like this. Just remember he is perfect again with god and you can look forward to seeing him again in the future. I still feel my loss of Kathryn deeply and miss her every day. Even more at this time as Sunday would be her Birthday. The only thing that helps at all is knowing she is perfect again with god and that I will hold her again in my arms someday.
I have come here many times the last several weeks, out of habit perhaps? A port in the storm when we feel so very lost and feel as if no one else on earth can possibly understand our pain. Just as it was when I found this site in 2008, once again it feels like coming home, just knowing you are NOT alone.
I suppose I should go "upstairs" to the widows thread, but I just can't!
So many times I have started to type out a reply, but then I couldn't see through the tears...... This time, I am just pausing while I cry then typing again. (which, WTH? before I couldn't cry, and now I can't stop!) Because just as before, I feel I might go simply mad if I don't let out some of the grief, and it will only help if it is with people who DO "get it"
Some of you have Facebook so you have seen several of my posts, but I don't share much. And some of you are in our FB group, where I do share more, but not much lately.
It just hurts too much. I keep saying, and most likely always will, that I was taken by complete surprise by both the state of my shock and the depths of my grief. I knew it would of course hurt, it is suppose to hurt when you lose the love of your life!! And I naively thought I was even prepared, as much as one possibly can be.
Plus I had the grueling experience of mourning the monumental loss of not living with Lynn when I had to place him in the nursing home. I truly mourned, deep and raw for 18 months then.... and I sort of figured that that would make this final goodbye a bit easier.
Nope! Hell no!!
I am just as I was when I placed him, totally destroyed! But it's soooo much worse.... My heart still trembles with grief... My words are stuck in my throat, I assume trapped behind the ever present threat of tears.... I feel completely consumed in pain, it physically hurts.. Ridiculously so.
Once again I find myself trying to explain to people that I do not want to die, I just do not want to live without Lynn.
I'm not going to sugar coat it just to make people feel better. Grief as we all know makes people very uncomfortable. Too damn bad! It's no frigging picnic on this end either. Pffffft!
I am trying sooooo damn hard, but I just do not want to be in this world without Lynn. Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am...... And I just laugh inside, because really what damn choice do we have?
I do not want to be here, but I have to be. Is that strength? I don't think so. Strength was when I was fighting Alzheimer's...' Strength was when I was advocating like a Momma Bear for Lynn and his care.
I am seeing a bereavement therapist. It's part of the Hospice care, they will follow me for 13 months. I was with Lynn for 30 years, since I was 18... I'm not doing well at all.
At any rate, I am listening to the therapist and I am being extremely honest with him. (he comes to my house, I have not been able to drive since the day Lynn died)....... I drew a picture with my finger on my table cloth, a big circle which represented me.. Then another circle inside, leaving only about an inch around the perimeter .. that represented Lynn...
And that inside circle, that took up most of Me.... Well that has been ripped from me. My very core, just ripped right out of me. I feel exposed and raw....
And I told him, everything I did was for Lynn. For all these years everyone has played what I call the "Lynn card". Examples would be, you have to have that surgery, because if something happens to you, who will take care of Lynn? You have to place him, because if you have a stroke, then who will take care of Lynn? The examples are endless......
And then too, every single day I went to see Lynn... for 6 years and 7 months..... Not short and sweet visits either. I'm talking 12 to 16 hours for the first 18 months.... then at the very least 3 to 4 hours every day. Often more as I would go back to feed him dinner as well. Though I was not a 24 hour hands on caregiver, I WAS still a very involved caregiver and spouse. My life, my world, was built around Lynn.....
And now, .... what!! Just, for what?????? There is no, FOR anymore........ everything was for Lynn.....
I have been brave, for Lynn, for so long......... that now I just don't want to be brave anymore.
I am grieving for TWO great loves lost.... my husband whom I married, loved, cherished and shared my life with... and then my husband-child that was held an unwilling captive be the chains of Alzheimer's. I love them both unconditionally and completely!! I did not resent the childlike man he became, I love and adore him!!! And I miss them BOTH, so so much!!!
Still, my body literally shakes ..... I just don't know how to deal with this. It hurts much worse than anything I ever could have imagined.
I talk to a cardinal in my yard...... I am coloring in adult coloring books..... I am building a puzzle... I did go grocery shopping... I went to breakfast, at a restaurant with my step family.... I am going to a movie tomorrow night...... I AM trying so hard....... But, for what? My reason, my purpose, my life, is gone......