We were having a very nice day then he got up from his two our nap and all hell broke loose.
1. You are in denial, you have OCD, bi-polar, ADHD. 2. You need to be in a LTC. 3. You often repeat things five times. 4. You shouldn't be driving anymore. 5. If you can tell me what to do or not to do then I can do the same for you. 6. I need to speak to your Doctor to tell her you need to be in LTC and all the other things I see wrong with you. 7. You hide things from me so I won't share things with you anymore.
The last time he went off like this was to tell me how mean and hateful I am to everyone and how I am a control freak and how my house is a pig pen.
It really hurts when this happens but at least today I am not crying. I had just sat there and told him that I have a very good Doctor that is taking very good care of me. I told him I had told her about his concerns and that he feels I should be in LTC and she assured me that I was no were near that place and I told him we will not be having this conversation again and took him back to LTC.
I was just drained when I got back. I think it will be quite sometime before he comes back. He is insisting that I keep his bed here so he still feels like it is his place. He is getting pretty cranky again. Up and down and all over the place. I'm hoping to find something to do for the winter to keep busy.
Hi Jazzy--so the FTD is showing up again. Sigh. I think you're wise not to bring him out...just go and visit him at the LTC, so you have the freedom to come and go as you need to..depending on how his mood is that day...or just depending on how you feel. When he's home with you, it's like you're a prisoner to it when the behaviors start. And I know you're planning to move...that may upset him more. I would enjoy your crafts this winter..just get cosy and warm (and there's your dog, right?)...don't bring Kevan out...just visit him on your terms in the LTC, make the most of the good days...and if it's not a good day, just leave. He's only going to go downhill over the weeks and months, and bringing him out may be setting you up for even worse experiences. Take care of yourself first, because that's the only way you're going to be strong enough to take care of him. If he is draining you--and oh, how they drain us--, you must pull back and recover.
Sorry in advance if that sounded too bossy. Many hugs back for Jazzy. (((((((()))))))))
I need bossy!! It's so hard to just walk away. The old boy comes out for awhile but then all of a sudden, bang, FTD is back. You should have seen his eyes! I find it hard to accept this person that has taken over his body. Not my Kevan anymore!! He wants to be in control if his life but I see more and more that he isn't able to do it anymore. Your right, it's time I just went there to visit instead of bringing him out. He just loves to come out so much that it is hard to say no. I guess I have to just try to see reality now not the past.
Thanks Bossy Lady. You all seen to know just what to say when it needs to be said. I need to learn to listen.
Jazzy I really feel for you and completely agree with Elizabeth.
As I read your post my heart rate escalated. Our husbands have the same diagnosis and their behavior can change like a light switch as you well know. Kevan can't control his behavior and you could be at risk. Your safety is primary.
I totally get being hurt by the comments. I was for years. Then I stopped listening when that behavior started. I calmly said things like "I can tell you are upset and that must feel awful. I am going to leave as I have an appointment and will be back. I love you." He often did not like that but at least I got out of the setting and didn't have to hear more abuse. He often continued his abusive tirade as I left.
If you just visit him rather than taking him out, you can leave. At home you are stuck with a complicated situation that could get out of hand. You might think Kevan would never hurt you. I thought the same of my husband and he is now in his 3rd facility with the previous 2 not able to handle his physical aggression with other residents and staff.
I also quit taking his phone calls when he was being abusive. Now he couldn't manage to dial a phone if his life depended on it.
This is not my idea. It's something I've heard over and over again on this site and elsewhere.
They say, And I believe it's true, that you cannot reason with dementia, but if you can find a way to tell them that they're right and even compliment them on their foresight and wisdom, things will go much better. I used to tell my Dear Helen something like this.
Thank you dear for telling me that. I never realized that I was so wrong. With your help, I will try to do better. I love you and I want you to be happy.
If you haven't already done so, Jazzy..... you could give it a try.......GeorgieBoy
Thanks for all your help. Yes GeorgieBoy I have tried that. He says I am putting him down and treating him like someone who is nuts. i spoke to the assistant director of care this afternoon and told him what I am going through. He says that Kevan is jealous of the fact that I am living out here and he has to live there. He knows what button to push to make me upset. He wants me o be sick like he is. He said that they have seen this before and it is part of the Fronto. He would like me to live as he does. He hates the fact that I am living in the house and driving the car and free to come and go as I please. The funny thing is that my friend said the same thing this morning. i have never heard of this before but this nurse has been in this field for over twenty-five years so he must have some idea of what is happening. He told me that Kevan came into his office one day just recently and raged on about all the things that are upsetting him then left.The Nurse is asking for the doctor to call me and meet with me alone very soon to try to see what can be done to alleviate this down turn. Kevan had another bad day today and slept most of it. He usually is over his hissy fit the next day but not this time. Three days in a row. New record. I'm better tonight. Thanks
The advice that he is jealous of you makes sense. The last time my wife got very upset, a few weeks ago, is when our son moved to college and she wasn't able to participate in the move. There are many things I do not mention not just to avoid her becoming jealous but also simply so she doesn't realize how much she is missing.
One good thing about my wife being in an ALF over an hour away from home is that this prevents her visiting home. This allows me to make more changes to make the house accommodate for me (though I always consider what if she would be back at the house). I think her visits home when at the other ALF, and her simply demanding to visit the house caused agitation for her.
I suspect that not only does taking him home trigger some behaviors but it is also an interruption in his daily routine.
I think your right. They told me that when I was bringing him home overnight that he gave them a problem for two or three days after. Now I just bring him here once a week and only for a few hours but that is likely what I have to stop doing. It is going to be difficult but it is likely time to change visiting. When I go to visit him there he gets testy with me after about an hour so and stops talking to me so I only stay no more then two hours. Even then he complains that I don't stay long enough because I don't like it there. They want him to go to them with his upsets but he still calls me. I then ask him if he spoke to the nurse, he just grumbles at me. He is having bad days right now so they are going to have the Doctor call me and meet with me to see what I can change and how we will bring about the changes without to much upset for him and no harassment for me to deal with.
I had dinner with Kevan last night and he told me how bad the last few days were for him. I told him I was noticing that this is happening after he comes to the house even for an hour or two. He told me he was noticing this as well. I told him it was alright not to come. He was then told me he was afraid he would be abandoning me. I reassured him that I will be fine. No more jobs to do and our daughter is going to help me pack if the house sells and that there are lots of people to help with odd jobs and such where I move. When I left he was more animated and maybe this is better for him not so much for me but I will be fine. I will go and visit twice a week and take him to MacDonald's for breakfast either Saturday or Sunday, but not home. Tears are falling again but I will be fine. Just another stage. Just another heart break.
I find it interesting how he was afraid of abandoning you. But this seems to be a relief for him, that he was carrying an internal burden, thinking he needed to do tasks when at home (even if he never did them). It sounds like he is not fearing being asked to do something that is beyond him and disappointing you.
Jazzy sounds like Kevan still has moments introspection and self-awareness. He cannot be the person he would like to be at home. It is heartbreaking to have to keep going down this path of endless losses.