Hi, I am new to the group, and am having a very difficult time. My husband of approx 30 years has been diagnosed w early onset AD. At this point you would never know it to be around him. Except, he can't spell, can't do basic math, and his writing looks illiterate.
Since his diagnosis 3 weeks ago, he has decided he wants to leave me, move back to the town he grew up in and leave me w everything. It hasn't been the best of marriages, but, he pretty much just wants to take off and enjoy the time he has left.
Has anyone else experienced that?
My thought is to write it up legal and have an attorney file for separation agreement as I do not want to be liable for whatever he will do.
Is this the dementia talking? Is it really what he wants? It must be, he's rational in every other thing... He can read, still drives.
It's been a shock to me, to have him leave, has anyone else had this happen? It's as if he wants to have fun while he still can, but also he wants to leave me?
Hi KJAY sorry you have to join us not a place any of us want to be, but here we are. My hubby has three dementia's and like yours looks and acts like there is nothing wrong. He was very aggressive and nasty in the first years after DX but is now much more agreeable. It broke my heart the first time he insisted I remove my wedding ring as he said it didn't mean anything now. Since then he has often suggested we get a divorce as he feels it is to much for me to look after him. He has been in LTC for two years in September. I don't really look after him just manage things now. Have you spoken to his Docter or a councillor? I would suggest you see a lawyer to find out what to do. You need to protect yourself. Will you be broken hearted if it comes to divorce? Was your marriage really bad? These are things you need to come to terms with before hand. If you have read any of our stories you will realize how difficult this disease is on both patient and caregiver. You will also learn that in some states you can't divorce a sick person so get your info before that kind of decision. Often they want to go " Home" but it the illness talking.
Good luck and keep us posted. We're hear to listen and there will be lots Of members coming on with more and better advise for you that are living your story or close to it.
Any chance the "leave me with everything" is not to dump everything on you, but to leave you financial secure and with good memories? Is this his way to spare you the difficult time ahead? Is he worried about being a heavier burden as this inevitably progresses? He may not be expressing his emotions well, and might be trying to shield you rather than abandon you. Just a thought.
Since you have been together for 30 years, have the two of you had conversations in the past about what he would want in terms of his health care if and when he declined? It might help to guide you now, if you had had some direction from him previously when he was not impaired. I agree with Jazzy that you need to see an attorney who is versed in these matters. (Elder law or estate planning attorney probably.) We here might be able to zero in better with advice if you don't mind telling us what age group you two are in, and in broad terms where you live. (U.S. and Canadian systems are different, and we have people from both on this forum.)
Of course dealing with the emotional "shock" after 30 years of marriage is upsetting and confusing at best. I recommend finding the best elder law attorney in your area and discussing your husband's diagnosis and his desire to go home and to leave you with everything. (S)he will be able to advise you from a legal and financial perspective how to make provisions to protect your assets and plan for the future. After consulting your attorneys should you decide to go ahead with the separation, it is better to do it sooner while he is still able to make competent decisions, otherwise a court may appoint a guardian to act on his behalf.
I almost divorced my husband not knowing his behavior was caused by the early stages of dementia. He had become emotionally distant, moved out of our bedroom, financially irresponsible, lost all empathy and finally became physically abusive. Before I could file for divorce he was diagnosed with frontal temporal dementia (FTD). We're still together and he lives at home.
Welcome to my website. I cannot give any better advice than what has already been stated. Your #1 priority right now should be to see a certified Elder Law attorney, and get his/her input on how to protect yourself financially. As others have suggested, his desire to leave could be the result of his brain damage, and make no mistake about it, dementia is brain damage. Or it is possible it could be his desire to protect you. Below is a little history and information about this website:
I started this website in 2007, because I couldn't find anyone who would talk about how I felt - I thought I was the only one feeling the way I did about what Alzheimer's Disease was doing to my marriage. I needed a place that dealt with my unique issues as a spouse of an Alzheimer patient. This site is now a place of comfort for spouses/partners who are trying to cope with the Alzheimer's/dementia of their husband/wife/partner. The issues we face in dealing with a spouse/partner with this disease are so different from the issues faced by children and grandchildren caregivers. We discuss all of those issues here - loss of intimacy; social contact; conversation; anger; resentment; stress; and pain of living with the stranger that Alzheimer's Disease has put in place of our beloved spouse/partner.
The message boards are only part of this website. Please be sure to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read all of the resources on the left side. I recommend starting with "Newly Diagnosed/New Member" and "Understanding the Dementia Experience".
Do not miss the "previous blog" section. It is there you will find a huge array of topics with which you can relate. There is a "search" feature on the home page that allows you to look up different topics that may have been explored in a previous blog. Log onto the home page daily for new blogs; news updates; important information.
Find an elder attorney who has experience with dementia. In early stages it may not be possible (should you want to) to actually limit what he chooses to do, so protect yourself first. Second, the advice should cover what protections might be possible for him when down the road he needs oversight. Would you want to retain the right to have such oversight later, or is there an adult child, or sibling, who might take that on?
KJ, The other commenters made excellent suggestions. I would add the following:
You explained what your husband wants, but what do YOU want? Is it also YOUR wish that he move out of your home and away from you?
Since your husband does not have a fully functioning brain, maybe you should examine his plan to see whether it is realistic and what the results are likely to be. If he is going to leave you with “everything,” what will he live on? And how will he support himself as he becomes more cognitively impaired? (EOAD sometimes progresses very quickly.) Who will take care of him when he is at the stage where he needs a caregiver? (Even if he ends up in a LTC facility, he will need someone to be responsible for him.) Does he have siblings or others in his home town who have agreed to take responsibility for him? And what would you do if there was no one to care for him and he ended up on your doorstep?
I know a couple who went through something like this. The husband has EOAD but if his wife had not told me, I would never have guessed it. In the early stage, he decided to take off. He eventually ended up in a veteran’s shelter, where he fell off an upper bunk bed and broke his hip. They ended up calling his wife. He is now in the same LTC facility as my husband, but in a different care unit. Another woman has a brother in the same dementia unit as my husband. She told me that he took off and after searching for him for more than a year, she finally found him in a homeless shelter in a big city 100 miles from here.