Neither son spends much time with their Dad. My oldest son lives in Georgia, so he really only sees his dad a couple times a year. Our youngest lives about 20 miles from us. I know they are busy with their jobs & families, however, I am afraid they will some day wish they had spent more time. And then I think back when they were growing up that my husband never really spent that much time with them. Sure he loved them, however, always put himself first. I always think of this song from the 70's, I think it was like Cat's in the Cradle or something. Anyway, the jest of the song is that the dad didn't make time for his kids & now they don't have time for him. So sad. I have heard guys on T.V. say that their dad is their best friend.
There are many posts throughout the various discussions on this board about adult children not making time to be with their AD parent. Last November, after returning from San Francisco to visit our son and daughter-in-law, I wrote a blog about children's reactions to their parent's AD. You can copy and paste this link to read the whole blog - http://www.thealzheimerspouse.com/emotionsadultchildren.htm, but I am going to quote a paragraph from it that may help you - "But what about those of you who have written to express heartache and dismay over the denial, indifference, and emotional distancing of your adult children? There are many reasons for their actions. As long as they are in denial, they don’t have to face the disease; As long as they are emotionally distant, they don’t have to feel the pain of watching their parent’s decline; As long as they use their busy schedules as an excuse for their indifference, they don’t have to disrupt their own lives to face stress, emotional pain, and upheaval."
Don't know if that helps or answers your question, but it's my take on the situation.
My feeling is that impaired relationships in childhood impacts how our adult children feel about their impaired parent. I also feel fear of the disease being genetic can be a big issue.
My husband focused on work for most of his life ... international acquisitions and divestitures, etc. He wasn't home all that much while his oldest son was growing up. Oldest son now talks about coming to visit the next time he's out this way on company business, but somehow that just doesn't happen. He's seen his father exactly once in twenty years, and I had to pay for his travel. (I will not express my feelings on THAT subject, in the interests of keeping them from shutting down the web site.) His two younger children were raised to believe his sole reason for existing is to give them money. Now that he can't work any more and the money pipeline has been turned off, they've totally rejected him (miserable little .... ooops, about to get the web site in trouble again.)
I know the song you're referring to. But you know, Kadee, I don't think the amount of time spent with one's father has all that much to do with it. My father was a doctor, back in the days when doctors made house calls. He had hospital rounds before office hours, office hours eight hours a day, five days a week, then more hospital rounds, and almost invariably one or two house calls in the middle of the night. (I have no idea how he survived.) He'd be on emergency call most weekends, and we rarely managed to do something as a family without him getting called away in the middle of it. Drove my mother wild. Yet I loved him dearly, and admired and respected him enormously.
Sunshyne-maybe the difference was you knew your dad cared about other people rather than getting another award for himself. I used to tell my husband that while he was out doing good for others he was not home for his family. It is sad to have plaques rather than memories.
Joan, I think that last sentence about their busy schedules fits my step-son to a tee. He only lives two miles from us. When he does come (very rarely) he shows a lot of love. But then we won't see him for several months. Not even a phone call. Of course, it bothers me more than hubby. His daughter lives in New Zealand. She calls about once a month and says that her Dad sounds great. Actually, when he talks to her, he does sound great but we all know all about that, don't we?
Thanks guys, At least now I know my kids are not the only ones. I was really close to my parents, so that maybe some of reason to feel concern. I know I worry more about this than my husband, I expect he doesn't really even think about it.
I don't know, Lynn made his children his life. They ALWAYS came first. Yet, they never come to see him. When my dad died in March, they all came to the funeral to support me and watch their dad. They were best friends and he took it hard, he STILL looks for him *sigh* At any rate, they all saw the decline and we even talked about it. There is no way one can even try to hide in denial anymore. Everyone talked about how you never know what tomorrow will bring, how they were going to spend more time with their own dad... and yet... nothing. Tragic.
I think AD has turned our children away. They dismiss what he does unless it is something that he has said to them that they don't like. He is very HONEST now and says his mind. He has spoken to them about issues he has had with them over the years - and believe me that went over like a lead balloon. I told him not to, but .........So when that happens, the children blame what he says on me and that really puts distance between all of us. They always came first. We raised them with the idea that families stick together and help each other. We always have to entertain and pay whether they are visiting us or we are visiting them. It is comforting to know we are not alone in the dissappointment these later years have brought in relation to children keeping contact. One "good" thing about this illness is that we have decided to stop traveling and stay home - it is easier. So that cuts out half of the time we see them, but then it saves money - for whatever that is worth.
Kadee, I understand about "The Cat's in the Cradle..." and it is all too true. The dad never had time for the son and now the son doesn't have time for the dad.
Dagma3, I also understand about whether they are visiting us or we are visiting them, we always end up paying the bills. And so, like you, it has gotten to where we just stay home. And this is not just with our children, I could almost understand that part, it is with his family also. In May, 06, we drove 1 1/2 days to visit with all. They have never come to visit us even once. We paid the restaurant bills. I told them then that that was our last trip. I just could not drive that far any more. They are in better health and better off financially than us. I'm sorry, but it is their loss. This has been going on for over 40 years, and it is time to call a halt to the whole mess.
bluedaze, it's true that my father was doing good things for others, and I admired him for that, but I don't think that's the whole story. Yes, my father's patients relied on him to keep them healthy, or heal them when they were sick. But plenty of doctors limit their practices, and rely on "on call" doctors to fill in for them during "off" hours. It was his sense of responsibility that got to me.
I think a lot of times, the drive and dedication are due to a sense of responsibility, not from the desire to win awards. I'm a workaholic, and believe you me, I won't ever win any prizes. Awards have nothing to do with it. Other people rely on me to do my job, and do it well, or others may actually lose their jobs.
My husband is like that, too, even more so. Good thing we've worked together since we met, or I might not have ever gotten to see him... :-)
Lots of people with similar jobs just punch a clock. Some of them even manage to advance pretty far up the chain. Frankly, I can't understand that attitude. If you live for what you do outside your job, you need to find another job. You need to have passion for your work.
Granted, you have to be able to find a balance between work and family, especially if you have children. But I think that having a tough time finding that balance often has nothing to do with the desire to win recognition. It has to do with being able to feel you are being true to yourself, about living up to your potential.
... I guess what I'm trying to say is that the AMOUNT of time that my father spent with me was not nearly as important as the QUALITY of that time. He loved me, and he showed it in the way he interacted with me. He spoke to me as if I were an adult from as far back as I can remember. Yes, he was gone a lot, but he would explain what he'd been doing, as if I could understand all of it. And he helped me understand it. And he got me very interested in his work. My opinions were important to him. He made it clear he respected and admired me.
I'm one of those people who frequently had the "good enough job" so I could do whatever my passion was after work. Please understand that when I was at work I was THERE. I did the best job I knew how to do. But a lot of the jobs I did were not the kind of job where you put in more than 40 hours unless you are being abused.
In one of my jobs, while still on the time clock, they would come at me the minute I walked in the door. It was the one job where it was OK for me to clock in the second I arrived, because there was no question that I was working from that second on, and that someone NEEDED me, right then. And when necessary, I stayed late as well. But it was not my life. That was the place where I ended up being the office manager and an officer of the company, and yes, finally off that time clock. <grin> I was even able to turn one of my passions, computers, into one of the centers of that job.
Some of us don't have one passion. Some of us have passions that don't turn into jobs or careers. I used to envy anyone who had that kind of life, but it wasn't mine.