Hard to know where to start. I feel as though this AD disease (actual diagnosis is MCI-but Neuro says right on the edge of progression-also mother and grandmother both had it) is not about them BUT it is about us, the caregivers. Over the past few months there have been more than a few times when I have thought “I wish we could trade places”. I have always been a “control” person. I am organized (not excessively) but enough to balance owning and managing my own business, involvement in state and national trade associations, teaching state CE courses, running the household and our investments, doing all the finances etc. I have the business brains, DH has the scientific brains (absent minded professor). To be fair we have always shared household duties including cooking and everything worked smoothly over the years.

Along the years DH has been a functional alcoholic, drinking a cocktail or 2 and a glass or 2 of wine with dinner and really never more than that. No binges, no drunken stupors or anything of the kind. When we met with Neuro he told DH he must stop drinking as alcohol kills brain cells AND told him that his brain has shrunk. Well that made a huge impact and DH stopped that day. We got rid of all the alcohol in the house even stuff we don’t drink but keep in the house for holidays and guests. Neuro prescribed Aricept to slow down the disease progression.

SO here is my issue. I came home from work on Thursday and found the trunk of his car slightly open, looked inside and found a half full ½ gal of rum in the trunk and 4 empty cans of diet coke!!!!

So where to I go from here?? I am so (pick one) hurt, angry, hopeless, frustrated, depressed. I keep fluctuating from one to the other. It has been over 24 hours and I can’t seem to get hold of myself. I tell myself it is the disease….yeah right! We had a conversation, I shared with him my concerns: destroying brain cells, being involved in an accident and cop finds open bottle in truck, losing all our assets, losing his license, etc. I tried everything. I finally brought the bottle in the house and put it into the pantry and told him if he is going to drink, do it openly and NOT hide it IN THE CAR. On Friday DH agreed to call Psychiatrist (referred by neuro). Visits not covered by MC and way too expensive for our budget right now but I told DH it was okay we would find a way. He called but no appointment was made and when I got home from work even more rum gone out of the bottle and proceeded to have another drink later in the evening……! On the verge of being drunk.

Sorry this is so long! More questions??? If he wants to do this (cause faster brain deterioration) then why should I intervene? Why not stop the Aricept, stop the neuro visits and just stop worrying? The truth is it is ME, I am the one who has dragged him to the neuro, fought to get a diagnosis, searched out the latest research-trying to find a protocol or study that might accept DH. I want so badly for him to get the best treatments. I can’t understand why he doesn’t want to know more about the disease and do all he can to stave it off. On the other hand, logically I can understand the hopeless ness he might feel and an attitude of why not drink if it brings me pleasure! I am just SO CONFUSED, hurt, angry, frustrated and depressed-what now? It is hard for me to cope I realize now that I am the one who must change, stop caring and just watch himself destroy what quality of life is left. Has anyone else experienced this problem?

MissB, ALL OF US have experienced "this problem" or others just like it.

Read some of Joan's blogs for extreme examples of this kind of thing.

There are some things you need to know.

All dementias are fatal.
There is slowing down the disease, but there is no staving it off.
If you let it dementia will kill the caregiver faster than it kills the patient.
He probably can't make a decision and stick to it.
He probably can't learn about the disease. It is possible he already can't learn anything new.
There are no "best treatments".
You don't want to stop the Aricept because it is going to make YOUR life easier if it works for a while.
You don't want to stop the neuro visits because at some point YOU will need services and the neuro might be the doorway to those services.

And as for quality of life, try to do what you and he can do NOW. Don't wait. It doesn't get better. And there isn't any more time.

you are right to be concerned if hes a closet drinker and leaving open bottles in his car. he may be impaired enough mentally with the AD that he doesnt realize drinking alcohol will make it worse and the consequences of an accident or arrest is feasible if he is caught. i would rid the home of all alcohol and put my put down. if you partly responsible for his conduct as you are the spouse and would have to face up to any consequences he could cause, then you should have a say in how his actions could affect you and your assets. its a hard choice, and he may not be reasonable with any input. divvi

Speaking from experience, my former husband who had 8 major surgeries in 10 years with excessive pain became addicted to Vicodin (sp-pain medication)and drank beer excessively. He would take two of the vicodin when he was suppose to take one and drank at least 10 to 12 beers every day. There was no way to stop him or slow him down. After years of this he also became abusive and I was forced to leave him for my own safety and well being. It broke my heart he was the love of my life before his addictions. But, I really believe if someone wants to drink or abuse drugs there is nothing you can do or say that will change it...these addictions must come from the person themselves. And a person with AD probably has a difficult time understanding that and coping with a drinking problem. They may not even remember how many drinks they have had. I certainly understand your feelings and my heart goes out to you. This may sound cruel, but you have to face the fact that he has a condition now that has no cure and frankly your life together will not be like it was before AD. I personally feel with my DH that I am married to now the sooner we get this over with the better. I just don't know how long I can take care of another husband with a prolonged illness. I am giving it my best shot now...but, I don't know how long I can last doing it. I can't tell you how much I understand the stress you are going through and the helplessness you must feel.


I

One note on the other side of the alcohol issue. My husband has a glass of wine or beer with lunch or dinner. His doctors (more than one) know about it. It is not a problem. It is possible that he isn't on anti-anxiety and anti-psychotic drugs at this time because he is drinking moderate amounts of alcohol.

Is he hiding the alcohol because you (either just you or you, him and the doctors) have decided no more alcohol? Or is he actually abusing the amount he is drinking and drinking while driving? You need to find out which it is. And then decide if this is a battle you will fight or not. You always need to choose your battles or you will go nuts. Only fight the important ones.

We all understand the stress you are going through. At some point all of us went through or will go through the same level of stress. Some of us are dealing with a plateau right now, and sound perfectly calm and normal. That doesn't mean it was always like that.

Miss B,

Let's start from the beginning here, and I do mean the BEGINNING, as MCI is the beginning. But as MCI slides quickly into early Alzheimer's Disease, take it from me - THE REASONING BUTTON IS BROKEN. Absolutely broken. It doesn't work. It's like trying to reason with a 2 year old. Re: The paragraph that you wrote - about having a conversation, you sharing your conerns with him, having an accident with bottles in the trunk"; the paragraph about YOU seeking treatments and doesn't he want to learn about the disease and how to help himself - Wasted breath. Believe me, I know - I have wasted enough breath (and am still wasting it) to provide wind power for all of Florida.

Your statement "If he wants to do this" has no meaning simply because he doesn't have the capactiy to know what he wants to do; doesn't understand and probably won't remember that he is doing something bad to himself.

So what does it come down to? The same thing I have been agonizing, crying, and stessing myself into an early grave over - WE have to put a wall around our emotions and make the decisions that will benefit them. You have absolutely every right to feel confused, angry, and hurt. I feel that way all of the time. That is the world of the Alzheimer spouse. And it STINKS! I hate it.

I would definitely continue to explore options to help him, as the better (that's a relative term) he is, the better you will be. In the beginning Sid was on a big downslide, and the Aricept and Namenda stopped it for awhile, or made the slides less often and less steep.

Hang in there - we've all been or will be where you are, and if the advice doesn't help, I hope the support and understanding will.

joang

Please don't take your husband's behavior personally. It is very unlikely that he understands the issues that you see. Many/most AD patients genuinely do not understand they have a problem, and without understanding that there's a problem, there is no incentive for learning about it or trying to do things to slow down its progression. Yes, I know you told him all YOUR reasons for wanting him to stop drinking, but that doesn't mean he actually understood you, or that he can remember what you said.

Moreover, one of the earlier symptoms that AD patients exhibit is a lack of initiative. Your husband may, for example, know how to work a computer, but lack the initiative to use it to look up information on his disease.

Brain damage may be caused by long-term, heavy alcohol consumption. It is not caused by a couple of glasses of wine with dinner.

Many (most? all?) syndromes that cause dementia cause brain shrinkage. The fact that an MRI or CAT scan showed some shrinkage in your husband's brain does not indicate his alcohol consumption was the culprit.

My husband has always had a glass or two of wine with dinner. When he was first diagnosed with AD, I did some googling to see if alcohol would be a problem. Like Nikki, I kept finding out that alcohol may actually help. The first thing I found was a recommendation to give the AD patient a little wine with dinner, to help him sleep, since AD patients often cannot use sleeping pills -- they can have the exact opposite effect than the one that is desired.

Nikki found a study for you that found moderate alcohol consumption may slow down the progression of MCI. Other studies have found it can slow the progression of AD itself, and still others have shown that moderate consumption can reduce the risk of developing dementia in the first place. One study concluded, "The moderate drinkers reported less depression, had higher self-reported health, performed better on instrumental everyday tasks, had stronger memory self-efficacy, and used more strategies to improve memory performance. In addition, these women had higher performance on tests of executive function: attention, concentration, psychomotor skills, verbal-associative capacities, and oral fluency."

Starling told you that her husband's doctors know he has wine or beer with meals, and don't believe it's a problem. My husband is in a couple of studies at an AD research center; his doctors there, as well as his geriatrician and neuro, are perfectly well aware he likes one or two glasses of wine with dinner, and told me it was OK as long as I didn't see any signs that it was affecting his symptoms. I haven't seen any signs that it is. And his symptoms have held fairly steady during the three years since the diagnosis.

I'd agree that hiding the rum in the car shows that your husband expected a negative reaction from you (provided your husband was the one who bought it and put it there in the first place ... does anyone else have access to the car trunk?) But when you told him if he wanted to drink, to do it openly in the house, that's what he did -- which shows some degree of being comfortable with you knowing. However, now you're upset with him for that. That's a tad bit unfair, don't you think? And if he had a drink in the afternoon and then another later in the day, I agree that he may very well have forgotten that he'd already had a drink that day when he helped himself to another.

(I don't know about the laws where you are, but here in California, if you're going to transport open alcohol containers, the trunk of the car is the place to do it. You only get into trouble if the open container is where the driver has ready access to it.)

So, overall, I'd suggest that you take a deep breath and try to calm down. Your husband isn't trying to commit suicide the hard way. Moderate drinking isn't likely to hurt him. If I were you, I'd encourage him to be open about his drinking behavior, so you can keep tabs on it and make sure he doesn't inadvertently drink to excess because he can't remember how much he's had. Perhaps agree to keep his alcohol of choice in a place where he doesn't SEE it all the time (out of sight may be out of mind, sooner or later.) Maybe use some of the techniques that others here use to monitor whether their loved ones are taking their meds. For example, have a time of day when the drink is OK -- just before dinner, while you're cooking, or just after dinner (even better, that will slow down the alcohol getting into the blood stream) while the two of you relax and enjoy each other's company. Try to make him feel pampered by YOU being the person to bring him the drink, see if you can't wean him away from helping himself.

My husband has never drank and for that I am thankful because with limited mental capacity I can see there would
be no reasoning with him. However, my daughter was once married to an alcholic and she spent 20 years worrying he would be in an accident and kill himself or someone else while he was driving and take everything they had in a lawsuit.

She could not stop him during the 20 years they were married, without AD and I can't see anyone or anything stopping him now. Right now he is on Home Confinment for DUI and he is still drinking at home. It is a no win situation and so sad for everyone.

My prayers are with you. lmohr

Thanks Sunshyne-your name fits BTW. I think I'll go get a bottle of wine for dinner :) "The moderate drinkers reported less depression, had higher self-reported health, performed better on instrumental everyday tasks, had stronger memory self-efficacy, and used more strategies to improve memory performance. In addition, these women had higher performance on tests of executive function: attention, concentration, psychomotor skills, verbal-associative capacities, and oral fluency."

Yes, I'm sure that hiding it in the trunk (no one else has access) was because he knew I would have a negative reaction. I will step back and look at my reaction but as you described it from outside looking in, I can surely see that I was unreasonable. I am going to read each of the blogs Joan mentioned and see if I can't get myself back on track. How can we not take it personally? This is all so new, I'm not yet able to think as a single pronoun.... I really don't yet know how each of you do it-let go and emotionally live alone). Years ago when I was 29, I got divorced after 7 years of marriage and thought the experience was worse than having your spouse die! Nothing could be worse than having LO still alive but face the rejection and want nothing to do with you! Boy was I wrong, nothing, absolutely nothing could be worse than AD and I have only just started this path.

Love to each of you for sharing.......it really helps to be able to open up and share......oops here come the tears again.....

MissB; my DH did the same thing that yours is doing. But he slowly stopped to drink, the further he went into the Alzheimer's disease. Now, if a friend offers him a beer he will accept, but he will only take a sip or two and that is all. I worried about it and fretted when he drank, but as all the others said, reasoning does not help. So I gave him a beer with his dinner and one while he watched TV. Now we are at the point were he doesn't want a beer. Or any other alcoholic beverage.

Speaking from experience--father was an abusive alcoholic, brother verbally and physically abusive but doesn't drink. Son had seizure disorder and in some rage seizures would be abusive. I would NEVER laugh at a temper tantrum. I've seen them go from just yelling, screaming, throwing stuff, foaming at the mouth, etc., to becoming physically abusive at the slightest provocation. I think laughing at them would put one over the edge and be very dangerous.

My sugestion? Get out of there. Let them yell at the four walls and let them clean up the mess that they make from throwing things.

Doesn't do anything to bring people closer into a warm and fuzzy relationship, but it definitely protects you from physical harm.

I feel so much better today. I just let it go and we had a nice evening. DH had a cocktail before dinner and one with dinner. Like I said yesterday it is WE, the caregivers, who have to change. I'm learning! As far as laughing, I agree with Divvi, you have to know the temperment. I would not laugh, smile once my back is turned but what works here is just walking away.

yes, I treat it as "aw, you're pulling my leg.." not as "you fool!" and it works for me.

Very interesting thread. I have to agree that the expression "functional alcoholic" when someone has a cocktail or a glass or two of wine really threw me for a loop. In the other thread, the one about resvertrol (sic) I mentioned that we have a glass of red wine each evening. The very fact that resverterol is based on the chemicals in red wine (although you wouldn't drink that much) indicates that it's not bad for you (I'm talking a glass) And I have often seen that one of the things a healthy diet consists of is a glass of red wine a day. The doctor who will be handling him in the study didn't bat an eye when I mentioned that so I'm not really worried about it. Our neur0 also knew we had a glass each eveing with dinner, and was fine with it. Yes, Alcoholism can certainly cause dementia, but a glass of wine or a cocktail is not alcoholism.

WELLL , I do not approve of drinking b/c of all the reasons listed by everyone else, however, we know what the end result of this diagnose is, so with that in mind I have come to the conclusion, that he has already had his future, dreams and dignity taken from him, who am I to deprive of some sort of pleasure (vice) since it will be only a matter of time until he forgets he even wants the alcohol??? I have learned the hard way to choose my battles and I feel that I need to leave him some shred of decision making for this short while. The drinking is limited to the house and never in an auto. so far this has not become a problem when it does I will just disable the vehicles.

ttt for morthert