We have a new member who posted under an old topic. I am reposting what she wrote under this new topic, as I think there are many of you who have experience with FTD and dangerous behavior who may be able to help her.
antietamquilter 1 day ago edit delete Hi, I went through 4 years with my husband's father who was diagnosed with BF FTD, now it seems the memory issues of my husband over the last couple years are turning into the same thing. He is making crazy decisions and being scammed in a business venture with another woman. He can no longer seem to logically look at things. I am getting so upset the stress is causing physical issues to me. And with the FTD, I can't even communicate to him nor does he understand how I feel. How many others of you decided to separate to protect yourself. And with him I mean physically also. This morning when my sugar dropped to passing out due to the stress, he proceeded to kick me instead of logically getting me juice. It is just getting too insane to continue knowing what I saw with his dad.
Admin 19 hours ago edit delete What we have always emphasized here is YOUR SAFETY. If you mean that he actually physically kicked you, your safety takes precedence over his dementia issues. You need to go someplace where you are safe, and then deal with his issues. I would urge you to stay with a friend or relative, then contact his doctor to see what your next steps should be. There are many members here who have dealt with FTD, which has its own unique set of problems. If we do not get a lot of answers, I will move your question to a new thread with a title that addresses FTD aggression and difficulty communicating with them because the FTD makes it impossible for them to recognize that they have a problem. I want you to get as much help from our members as possible.
The thing that is really hard to realize is that we are no longer dealing with a spouse as we knew them. We are dealing with a demented person--someone whose brain no longer functions correctly. That means that there is no way to anticipate what they might do, or to reason with them. Logic and consequences are sometimes no longer in their vocabulary, and their behavior shows it.
One night my loving husband, who would have run into a burning building for me, hurt me. And he wouldn't stop, even though I was crying and begging him to stop. He had absolutely no understanding of what he was doing. He wasn't even trying to hurt me--he just didn't realize that he was, and my tears and requests to stop had no meaning to him.
Please consider carefully what you need to do to keep yourself safe. You already have proof that your husband does not respond appropriately, and this will only get worse. Yes, sometimes you have to separate yourself for you own safety. Even though we are spouses and caregivers, we have the right to not be harmed, and not to have to live in fear.
antietamquilter, I suggest that you protect yourself financially as well as physically. You say your husband is being scammed in a business venture. Has he been tested and diagnosed? That would be the first step in getting control of your financial situation.
I know people who have separated/divorced as the best way to protect themselves with a spouse with FTD. Please check out http://ftdsupportforum.com for FTD support.
This most often happens before there is an official FTD dx. One reason is because you can't understand why your spouse is so hostile or apathetic. Another reason is financial and/or physical protection. Divorce seems less likely after dx because you (1) understand the reasons for the strange behavior or (2) you now have some legal protections that didn't exist before. The biggest protection is having the spouse declared incompetent so you know have all decision making responsibilities, there is no more driving, etc.
I would move all assets into your name only or into accounts that your husband cannot access. But you want to take away his ability to establish credit or sign contracts.
I recommend contacting and Eldercare Attorney to cover these aspects and other issues, such as preparing for Medicaid.
My first suggestion the next time he grabs you and hurts you call the police. They will take him away and you can then ask for a phyc exam. Paula has suggested a lawyer and I agree but first you have to protect you. All the money or houses or cars are not worth your life. I had to go and register him at the police station where we lived so they would know I needed them and what they would likely be running into. Nothing is worth your life. Get away then come back fighting!! Once my DH was DX and on meds it was much easier. He still gets nasty but he lives in LTC so I just leave or hang up the phone.
Good advice above. See an Elderlaw attorney, let the local police know he has a form of dementia (visit them in person and give them a description and a picture). Keep a cell phone and car keys on you at all times for your safety.
Know if you call the police they will most likely take him to jail first and then possibly to a hospital for a psych evaluation. In my case the police filed a temporary restraining order on my behalf and he was committed to a psych hospital for 3 days during which time he nor I could contact each other and no one told me where he was. I was advised by the local police that should he cause physical harm to me and/or someone else he would have the same penalties as someone who did not have dementia. I had to go to court and request the judge to drop the charges of domestic violence. It was a humiliating experience being considered as a victim of domestic violence, but I guess I was in reality.
I agree with all the suggestions here and reinforce the need for safety as the priority.
The first time my husband threw my suitcase over the fence and locked me out of the house and was threateningly verbally abusive, I left and stayed with friends. I had been trying to talk to my husband about all the changes I was seeing but he said I was making them up because I am a nurse. Like Joan said, and I realized later, folks with FTD usually have no insight as to anything untoward in thinking or behaviors. Can your husband "pull it together" and appear "normal" for a brief Doctor's visit? Mine could which was terribly frustrating.
After going to friends, I told my husband I wouldn't come home until he agreed to see the doctor. He did agree 10 days later and we saw the GP together where I explained what happened. Not much good came from that but at least then it was on file. I stayed away a few more days as he was really angry.
Immediately, I did what others suggested. Had an arrangement with neighbors that I could come to their home 24/7, slept with my keys and cell phone in my housecoat pocket, had glasses in the car as I need them to call 911, had a bag packed in the car, and arranged with a friend to have daily check ins.
I met regularly with our lawyer, doctor, and nurse practitioner to let them know what was happening. They all told me they were concerned about a murder/suicide and so was I. After the initial changes in personality the paranoia, delusions, and hallucinations started and got very alarming. For the last two years my husband was at home, my sole focus had become trying to keep me and him safe.
Prior to my husband being taken to hospital by police under doctors committal under the mental health act, I had the police come over to explain if I called them, what the background was. So they knew they would be responding to dementia issues.
And I got a lot of counselling and still do.
After my husband was taken to hospital the geriatric psychiatrist said he was going to discharge him and follow him as an outpatient. I told him he was not. We had a stand off which was very uncomfortable. I knew my husband needed to be in care and he is now in his 3rd facility as the first two could not manage his occasional aggression - trying to strangle a woman, hitting staff and residents, etc. He has been in care for 3 years and 6 months.
All the best to you with this terrifying situation. My heart truly goes out to you. An additional idea if I was in your shoes. The next time he hits or kicks you is call 911 where hopefully they will take him to the hospital. You might want to get out of the house if you can before doing this as calling 911 might trigger further aggression.
Please keep us posted as to how things go. Sending lots of support.
Sometime during those last few years I was flipping through tv channels and came across a documentary on domestic abuse. I thought "how terrible, how can anyone live like that..." and then I realized that I was.
As others have said here as well as on other topics, the threat is exhausting. We are flooded with cortisol and adrenaline and the damage to us accumulates. During the last at least five years I felt constantly under threat. Sleeping, not exactly restfully, behind locked doors, the companion animals sequestered with me. Phone either in pocket or under the pillow, car key accessible to me and hidden from him.
He would make this gesture which was palm on palm and then pushing one palm outward and say "I'm going to rub you out and you'll never know when it is coming". I am sure he never used that expression before in his life. He would stand really close and say "your clock is ticking". He was 6'2" and strong from college basketball and tennis. Up until the last two years he practiced Ashtanga yoga. I was always afraid.
He was hospitalized and had psych evals several times. Yes, until maybe the last year he could pull it together enough to convince the medical professionals that he was "coping".