Lately I can't seem to get myself going. I see things I need to do, but it's like there's an invisible force field between me and whatever it is. There's a pile of bills on the desk that I absolutely cannot force myself to deal with. I sit down and look at them, but can't get up enough gumption to do anything. I need to go to the grocery store, but that would mean I have to take a shower and drive somewhere.
Some of this could be depression, but mostly it feels like I already gave at the office--and gave, and gave, and gave until there's nothing left. Also, last month I was quite sick for most of the month. Fortunately DH was in respite, but being sick made it seem like no respite at all.
It's not like the care for DH is so draining. It's all the other stuff I have to deal with: paperwork and phone calls and organizing and scheduling things. After a certain point in the day, my brain says "No more decisions today. Nope. All done."--and it means it!
So, is this burnout, or just a passing phase? (Please say that it's just a passing phase.)
I have been exactly where you are; felt the same things; had the same reactions. There were days I would get out of bed ( during the times Sid was either in Day Care or the NH), feel completely unable to face the day, and get back into bed. Period. If it was when he was in Day Care, I would lie there all day long, dreading the time he would come home, and my caregiving duties would start all over again. My social worker at the time, recommended that I seek help from my primary care physician, who doubled my anti depressant. I am not pushing pills. I am simply telling you what worked for me. Because there was already Zoloft in my system it only took a couple of days, and I was able to get out of bed and function again. One on one counseling with a very experienced Hospice grief counselor also helped keep me on my feet. I have stuck with it, and both the medication change and the counseling have been of monumental help.
JanK,I went thru a phase like this also.I couldn't get myself to move.I felt like I was in a vacuum.Mail went unopened,wash undone,bills unpaid, the whole gambit .I did continue to go to NH almost every day but at homecouldn't get energy to do anything.Lasted a couple months,then I thought I better get moving brfore my children noticed and try to talk me into a retirement place(they would love that).No more worries about Mom.So to save myself I had to do some deep talking to myself if I wanted to save my way of life.I did pullout of it,you will get thru it.I did not have to go on medication,but considered it. Joan's advice is good,tald to your Dr. about something to help.
Joan I guess you have heard this same lack of being able to function, numerous times over the past years. It just happens to all of us. How we get past this is a mystery that each one of us has to figure out for ourselves, and with the help of professionals for sure. I'm there now and I just don't want go to visit K as he is on my back about everything right now. Next week he maybe sweet and loving again. Only God knows. I'm tired and disheartened but this isn't the first time and I will get up and get going again.
All that stuff you are dealing with - paperwork, scheduling, phone calls, is also part of care giving. After all, if you don't do it, who will? Its a load of responsibility with no alternatives. And you probably aren't sleeping properly either, which only adds to the lethargy you are feeling.
Can you talk to a health care professional who might be able to give you some help?
Jan K, I'm not sure what to call it, but I also get into exactly what you described. I think it's some combination of depression and burnout--just too much to think about, too many aggravating, dreary chores and errands to do...not enough fun, hugs, smiles...no one who really cares about me the way Larry did. I can feel that I'm on a forward path, as I've posted recently on the widow's/widower's thread. But this feeling you described still comes and goes. Some days it is so hard to get in gear, get off the internet, get in the shower, etc., etc. I try to eat right, exercise, and put as many positives in my life as I can...right now it is a cool, pleasant morning, and I've gotten up early, had a cup of coffee, put something in the crockpot for the family later, and just enjoyed sitting on the screened porch and playing three hands of solitaire. But yesterday the vegetative blahs hit me, and I wasted a lot of time binge-watching Midsomer Murders and eating the brown sugar out of the bag--always a bad sign for me. So I don't know...ups and downs. I think myself that having someone to talk to would mean a lot. I've considered trying to find a counselor, but don't quite know how to hook up. The Hospice people send follow-up letters once in a while, but I just ignore them...Hospice served its purpose, but I never felt like their social worker or chaplain really "got it." I don't need a bunch of mealymouthed platitudes. So I agree with those who said counseling and anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds are possible options to try. I'm working on a more do-it-yourself approach, and I do think that it's working for me...but taking the time it takes...and frankly, I don't beat myself up. Whatever it takes to take care of ourselves and move forward, just one day at a time, is what we need to do.
In practical terms for getting things done, I'm going to schedule one day a week as the day I go out in the morning and do all the errands: bank, post office, library, Goodwill drop-off, grocery shopping, etc. That day is Thursday, and I'm starting this new system today. That will get everything done in one fell swoop...so I can be as vegetative as I need to be on all the other days. I'll keep the group updated on how this works out.
I think this is escapism, although I don't know what the psychological definition would be. I have been diagnosed with situational depression but the counselor says this is not part of it - that I am just procrastinating. I see this behavior as an inability to cope with reality and a need to retreat into an alternative world. The condition has not been a passing phase for me. It started when my husband was diagnosed and is still going on 8 years later, sometimes better, sometimes worse.
I am still working but since most of my work is solitary writing and research and involves big projects, it also allows me to escape into an alternative world. However, I am utterly helpless to tackle smaller projects, whether they involve work or home (preparing invoices, organizing and paying bills, grocery shopping, unloading the dishwasher, etc.) I have to force myself to pull up the window shades in the morning, to shower and wash my hair, to turn on the TV after supper, to collect the paper from the end of the driveway on Sunday morning, to do the laundry, etc.) I have been taking anti-depression drugs and I do not dare to stop, although I don't know if they are helping. One-on-one counseling has not helped me but others have found it useful so consider giving it a try.
If our means of coping is working overall or at least seems to us to be what we need to keep going - then I would be careful in considering huge changes to that.
Depression can be literally debilitating. I've kidded around about it but it's bad at any level and it can be quite serious. If we have an operational range that is getting us through and we don't seem to be sinking, then our necessary avoidance of things to limit what we have to deal with under this duress is a very important thing.
My christmas tree was up for four years. I couldn't cope with it. When I took it down it was a big deal. Now it wouldn't be a big deal. Things change as we go through them and what is very hard at the worst is easier later.
Don't be hard on yourself for surviving this Myrtle. If you're getting what you really need to get done, done, then you are coping through this very hard thing.
When this feeling hits me, I just wake up in the morning and tell myself. If I can only get one thing done today, it will be.... And sometimes it is only one thing, other times it is several things. The most important thing to remember is to be kind to ourselves. Our life is hard, mentally, physically and emotionally, before and after. And it does take a toll on us.
I appreciate all the above comments. It is 3 months out for me and as most have said I have the ups and downs. I too am considering a counselor that is not related to alz, grief or bereavement. I recently went on a 5 day vacation and it was great. Just having a change in scenery helped me and honestly I felt normal. This tells me that I have to go more often. I met with hospice yesterday and she tells me I am doing well because I am functioning and there are many people who cannot function. Hospice tells me when I try something I need to assess if it helps and if it does then I need to continue that. She says it is okay to just be going through the motions which is what I am doing and to realize that the emptiness and sadness will always be there to some degree and that is okay. The fact that I can function with it is good and shows I have made progress. Unlike blue* I try to do a few errands each day as it breaks up the day for me and forces me to get out of the house. She also suggested I consider cutting back on the support groups because the constant talking about it although not a bad thing keeps us into that Alz and grief world. She suggested doing something not hospice related so I have signed up for yoga. This is something I did for many years and then quit 3 years ago when he got worse. I will probably continue with the support groups for a while. Reading how others are managing with the grief really helps me
Jan, I so understand how you are feeling, and you are still in the thick of things. When my husband was at home, and then later in LTC and I visited most of every day, I felt so wiped out at night, and in the morning it was just habit that kept me going, plus knowing that he needed me. I have no regrets for all the time I put in, but I do know how exhausted and depressed you must feel. My husband first got sick in 2007 with back problems, then later in 2009 with Alzheimer’s, so I know that, for you also, it has been a long, long journey. Trying to keep up with everything else besides your husband’s care is so hard. Thinking of you, and wishing you the best.