How I have loved and appreciated each and every one of you. If it was not for this wonderful place, my life would be so much harder and emptier. I have met some of you, talked on the phone, exchanged mail, cried together, and of course got to meet our Joan, our shining star. And Paul, and Ellie(Message Board Monitor)!
Please know, that I follow your journeys, I still come here and cry, and wish and hope and pray. So many of you are thick in the woods of caregiving, looking for a ray of sun to shine through the forest. How I despair that I cannot do or say anything to help you, except to encourage you to take care of yourselves and try to get help, and to scream out to whatever hope you have in the world of faith. I know that each one of you helps the other, and guides each one through this site to every answer.
Today is one year since Dado passed, I am going to his island of Maui to visit his grave and say a new goodbye. You ones with the stars know how it is, and we must lift each other up. I will be around, please forgive me for not being present more. When I am a bit more healed, I plan to plough on with my advocacy as I can see it is making a great difference.
Over the years I have been a grateful recipient of your kindness, concern, compassion and intelligence. I believe you and I joined the site within one day of each other. Your caring is present, whether or not it appears in written posts.
On this anniversary of Dado's passing I am sending care and concern back to you. You are a strong and emotionally generous person. What can each of us do but continue as best we can? Wishing you a safe and peaceful journey.
It is always good to see you again, Coco. I hope that you will find some comfort today. You and Dado will always have a place in my heart. Take care, cassie*
Dear Coco, It has been a long time since I have posted. Unable to get to my computer due to a broken leg since last February. I have missed this site so, as I had leaned on it often and received so much in return. I have always looked to find your name. Somehow I feel close. For some reason I just had to come here this day. I had my son help me to the computer, as I don't do stairs yet. With so many other reasons to use it, I just needed to come here. I found your name, and saw that it was your anniversary of his passing today. I wish you could feel my hugs. I hope so that when you go to Maui, you can give him a new goodbye with more strength in your heart, yet that same love. It's just there, and always will be.
Coco, you should take as much time off from here as you wish and not feel guilty. It was wonderful seeing you in DC and hope you can make the trip again next year.
You have been such a godsend to me and many others as we struggle with losing our loved ones. It's hard to believe Dado has been gone for one year. Please enjoy Maui as much as you can, and I am sending you and Dado a heartfelt aloha on your journey.
thanks so much for your lovely responses. I just want to say again, if any subject comes up that I can be of assistance with, I can certainly be contacted.
The journey to Maui was as hard and harder and also beautiful . I had planned on saying a real "goodbye", and could not. So as I spoke to him in my own little way, knowing that his spirit was of course not in the grave, but that it is a ritual and respect...I simply asked him to hear my love and if there was any way send me some guidance on how to "let go" and move forward.
I will not go in to the details , but the night before I left I had the most vivid dream of him, in his healthy body, telling me things, and showing me where he was now. It seemed truly a miracle to get that dream. Though it hurt like having a vice on my heart, I know it was a message , and I thank him for that.
Time to rest a bit. Then, time to take some action. Aloha all my love to each and every one of you.
Perhaps the dream of him healthy and strong and telling you things is the truth of those things and a disease, as powerfully devastating as it was, is just a disease. Not the core truths of Dado and Coco.
Let me tell you about the core truth of Tahia the cat. Perhaps not a soul as articulated as a human, but the only one a cat has. She is here now at 5:21am purring like a little motor so obviously happily bonded with me.
She is now 12 years old. I've hardly known her because my life melted away during most of that and she was 2 when we got her.
She began in my life peeing in fear. She shivered, threw up, and was skin and bones. She was abused by someone and I never heard her voice until last year. Even her stool has become normal. She is like a teenager in senior year given a brand new car.
I looked down at her just now and said "Congratulations. You win. You have five minutes to enjoy it."
Dado was healthy and strong. That's the man that loved you and chose you just as you chose him. I can't 'hear' and 'see' Dianne yet either except in a couple of dreams where she was whole and vibrant.
But I do know something about all this. Tahia may have only a year or three left to enjoy the pinnacle of her career as a cat and then if I'm still here, I get to 'bury' her.
Here's what I know about that. If I only see my life that way then I can teach, but not learn. I can teach my cat to overcome fear and have trust, but I cannot learn it.
Something made me "tune in" here again today and I am so glad I did. Anniversaries of our loved ones' passings, wedding anniversaries and birthdays are among the hardest days, I know. And yes, please do continue with your advocacy as I know it will help you heal and find a reason for your terrible loss, as it has done for me.
Hey there Coco, Sounds like your trip resulted in the way in should have. I have no doubts you will continue to have more dreams, and feel more comfortable in yourself. Hard to believe it all takes so much time, but highs and lows, just keep coming for me. Moving forward with whatever can bring a smile is so important. My very best to you sweet lady. Love, Janny
The first anniversary was not so hard, because I remembered all the happy, good times before he became ill. This year is harder, maybe because of my own health problems I've had to overcome in the past year, going through it all alone. Today would have been our 12th anniversary and I do miss what isn't here anymore.