Recently I saw an online video of a plane that takes off almost straight up. (I hate flying, and actually had to close my eyes during part of the video!) Since the ascent is so drastic, someone asked what would happen if they lost an engine. Could the plane land? The answer was--yes, the plane will definitely land, although probably not on a runway, and it will probably not be a controlled descent.
This seems to be an apt description of the "landing" of a caregiver, when their journey ends. I have not lived through that yet, but I'm really afraid of that landing. And I'm also very afraid that it's not going to be a landing that I will be able to walk away from. (I can't help thinking that it would be really nice if someone rolled out some rescue equipment for caregivers who are having to make that landing.)
On a somewhat related topic--
A couple of years ago my sister returned to this country after a number of years abroad. She mentioned several times that it felt like she needed time to acclimate to "re-entry". Her life in the other country was so different from here that she really needed time to adjust and to get used to living here again.
Again, needing a period of re-entry also sounds reasonable for caregivers. I don't know whether it's even possible to "acclimate" to losing a spouse, but certainly it would be at least as stressful as moving back to your home country. I don't know what country you could call this situation we're trying to live through--other than "caregiver country"--but trying to move back to "normal country" from here is going to be a huge jolt.
I just wish other people realized that caregivers need this time, and healing--and some help and understanding would not go amiss. And that help and understanding would be nice while we were living in this "caregiver country", too.
Jan K, excellent. I am I guess one would say in the re-entry mode right now. Trust me on this. It is not easy as others who are grieving would say. It is one day at a time putting one foot in front of the other and at the same time dealing with the feelings that surround such an incredible loss. When he was in the ALF I often wondered how it would be after he actually passed having already gone into re-entry mode when I placed him. But it is really different when they are actually gone. When they are gone they are gone. I read an article from hospice that compared an alcoholic in recovery with a caretaker in recovery from grieving. I think it has merit. An alcoholic never is over the fact that he Is an alcoholic but chooses to live one day at a time supported by his group and his or her Higher Power. I think of,grieving the same way. Each of us will never "get over" it but will go,forward living one day at a time with the support of friends who get it and a Higher Power.
Good question, Myrtle. As you know, I don't get into religious discussions on these boards because they become too contentious. I will simply say that if you don't believe in a Higher Power, you lean on friends, families, and grief counselors who, as CO2* said, "get it". Not everyone does "get it", but those who do are an invaluable source of support.
Thanks, Joan. That’s what I was wondering - whether grief counseling after the death of a loved one usually entails reference to the spiritual world.
BTW, I don’t think this is a discussion of religion. CO2* was not saying that we should believe in a Higher Power; she was describing a grief program in which one is encouraged to believe in a Higher Power. I think that concept is interesting and agree with her that such a program might be helpful to some people.
Charlotte, From what I have read, AA and similar programs describe their 12 steps as spiritual in nature (which is not the same as religious). They describe a Higher Power as something greater than the individual, which does not come from the individual or any other human being. I don't think that describes of something that is secular, for it is not connected to an individual living in the physical world, but rather is something greater than and outside any human being.
The explanation I used for Higher Power and for the 12 steps being spiritual in nature was also from the AA website.
Maybe we are just using different definitions of "secular, as opposed to "spiritual." I'm using "secular" to mean "relating to the physical world and not the spiritual world." (Merriam Webster) or "Not connected with religious or spiritual matters." (Oxford Dictionary).
Anyhow, my original question was: What about people who don't believe in a Higher Power? (There are lots of them.) Joan said that you lean on family, friends and grief counselors. When my husband was diagnosed, I completely fell apart. I think that was because I went through the whole nightmare with my father so I knew how bad it would be. I did go to a counselor, who tried to persuade me that I was exaggerating and that AD was not as bad as I was making it out to be. So I am not too impressed with counselors. If my husband dies before I do, I don't how I will handle it emotionally. I am hoping that since I front-loaded (to use a business term) so much grief, I used most of it up and there will not be much grief left. (Yeah, right!) We shall see whether I rely on things that are spiritual in nature.
Myrtle, I hope you can find a better counselor, one who in his/her way 'gets it'. I have been going to a wonderful lady for three years now, and talking to her has been a blessing. Maybe because she has seen it in her father, maybe because she has seen much of it in her work, and is honest enough not to try and minimize what I am going through and will have to go through. You just found the wrong one. Faith is the foundation of my life, but I also believe that the Lord works through other people and things that happen in our lives. Whether you believe in something greater than man or not, don't let one bad experience keep you from finding help in your grief. We all need all the help we can find.
Thanks, Herta. You are going to laugh when I tell you why I didn't find another counselor -- because I didn't want to hurt this guy's feelings! Another reason is that my insurance requires me to use the people in one particular office. However, now that I am eligible for Medicare, I can switch to that and a supplement (Tricare) and go wherever I want. I just filled out the papers to switch.
BTW, this guy did have some good ideas. Early on, he told me about a book that described mindfulness meditation. Although I could never pick up the mediation part, I was able to use a related technique to deal with anxiety attacks. The technique is that if you have a scary thought, you do not avoid it. Instead you picture it floating around in your head, acknowledge it as scary, admit to yourself that it is that it is just a thought and not a real event, and then let it float away. That worked well for me and I would recommend it to people who have bad thoughts that intrude into their normal thinking. The process is described in a book and a CD by Jon Kabat-Zin.
Joan.....You are so right about keeping religious discussions off the boards. Awhile ago I happened to send Wolf an email that touched on religion, and he quickly emailed me back telling me "George, what ever you do, don't put that on the AlzSpouse site".
Exactly what I would have done, Myrtle: not want to hurt a person's feelings. I am glad you can now switch. I hope you find someone you can connect with. That letting your scary thoughts float away is a bit like what I do when I want to sleep. I relax my body, then imagine a set of drawers. For each subject that will be keeping me awake, I imagine putting it in a drawer, which I then close. For some subjects I slam it!!! Thoughts about my husband I put away with care, then close the drawer gently and lovingly.
Up until I found the hospice grief counselor, I think I hit the jackpot in the horrible counselor department. Everyone was either useless or detrimental. My counselor works for hospice, and has been doing grief counseling for 30 years. The counseling services at our hospice are paid for by private donations at no cost to us. Besides the private one on one counseling I get, I am starting an 8 week "Understanding Grief" group next week. I need a lot of help.
Myrtle,
I, too, thought after 10 years of losing Sid piece by piece, and 2 years of losing Sid in the NH, that I had no grief left. Was I ever wrong. So in order to keep myself functioning, I am talking help from wherever I can get it.
Joan, Yeah, I was afraid of that. I was looking at what I think of as "pre-grieving" as though it were a bank account but I'm not surprised it doesn't work that way. I know I am going to need all the help I can get, too.
George, You are right about religious discussions and so is Joan. It's better to avoid them. However, I must point out that I have read many posts where members express their faith (which I don't mind in the least) and I think there was even an entire thread devoted to members' religious and spiritual beliefs.
Charlotte, I hope I did not offend you by my intense discussion of spiritual vs. secular and if I did, I truly apologize. As you have probably noticed, I tend to fixate on ideas that interest me and sometimes I get picky about an idea or a definition.
The best counselors I have found are ones that have been there because they know. Or in Joan's case, she has a counselor who may not have experienced it personally but has been in the thick of things for years and knows. Forget someone who has never experienced the painful side of life because it would be the rare one who can identify with you. We experience that here all the time. Only those that have gone there or are in it, know the pain.