I knew there was a strong possibility of it happening, and thought I was prepared, but yesterday was the first time my husband did not know who I was. He is now in a specialized facility 5 hours away from me (3rd facility as the other 2 could not manage his aggression). When I arrived, he was sleeping in a lounge chair in the living room. I gently woke him and as he looked at me I had the vivid thought, "Does he know it is me?" He was irritated and wanted to keep sleeping. So I spent an hour watching him sleep and listening to staff and seeing other residents. A nurse woke him for lunch and told him he had a visitor. I smiled and came over and he looked right through me. Normally, his face lights up a bit and we hug. Nothing. After lunch walking back to his room he turned to me and said, "Where is Katherine?" I told him I was right there. I held it together in front of him and the staff until I got through the first of two exit doors and then burst into tears. I thought I was prepared and clearly wasn't. This is so major and you folks are the only ones who understand.
Oh Katherine this is so heart breaking for you and for all of us. I haven't had it happen yet but it will come soon. It is terrible that you have to drive so far to visit. So many places won't take them if they are aggressive. One of the places I looked at in the town I just moved from was five blocks away and would not even think of taking a fronto or Lewybody. I can't understand why they are in this line of business. Try to do something nice for you this is a new stage.
Katherine its so difficult when this happens especially the first time. Actually its safe to say all the alzheimers firsts are truly difficult. As i remember and look back each new loss was surprising and so devastating. Try to remember he Is living in his world now and even if he loses recognition you still know him and how much he loves you within. Divvi*
katherine, I can only imagine how difficult this must be on you. It may be that he will recognize you the next time you see him. The problem is that you live such a long distance away that you can't just pop in every once in a while and refresh his memory. There is something very wrong with our society when a wife is forced to drive 5 hours to see her husband.
katherine, I am so sorry this has happened. But don't think it is because you are so far away. My DH was home with me to the end. I did all his care. And he did not know who I was. I was the "nice lady". I do think he knew I was important to him. Just not know my name or who I was to him. He lost all the family, oddly enough he would always remember our new son in law who he meet in 2011. Even after his deployment to Afghanistan!
katherine, I go to see my hb at least twice a week, my daughter goes on the days I don't, we feed him his lunch so we know how he is doing with food. He sometimes knows me but not always when i first get there. some days not at all and will ask me where his wife is and when i say i am his wife he sometimes realizes it is me and sometimes not. sometimes he aske if we are married or can we get married, are we living together, etc. It is what it is and it hurts but we can't change it. every new stage seems to be harder to deal with. Can you find a way to stay for a few days at a time? We are here to support you in spirit, take care of you.
blue*, My husband sometimes calls me "the nice lady," as your husband did. He also knows I am important to him but I'm not sure if he knows my name and I doubt he knows I'm his wife.
Right now, I can deal with this as something that is part of the territory. But I know that the day may come when he does not recognize me as someone he even knows. I hope I'll be able to accept that as well.
Towards the end as my husband became sicker, I thought it was a blessing that he didn't know who I was, or where he was, or what was happening. It was extremely traumatic for me, but I was pleased for him. However, as I held his hand and talked to him in his deathbed, I do believe he knew who I was on some level, as he passed not long after I told him I would be fine, and I was surrounded by people who love me.
Katherine, what you are going through is so painful! My DH did not know who I was, but fortunately for me, he was not abusive or aggressive, just noisy and chanting - his only means of communicating that something was wrong with him. Although he didn’t recognize me, I noticed that they would sit him in his chair and leave him until I arrived about 11:00 a.m. When I arrived, I would say hello, stroke his head, softly sing a child’s song in his ear (Over in the Meadow in the Pond in the Sun); somehow this song would break the cycle of his chanting, and he would settle. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hang on… every day is different.
Katherine, I don't think him not knowing who you were has anything to do with the fact that you are five hours away. Larry called me "Elvira" for the last two or three months of his life...Elvira was one of his sisters, but I don't think he thought I was her. I don't know who he thought I was. And sometimes it was very clear from his comments that he thought I was another one of the aides. My point is that he was home with me 24 hours a day, and died at home. So it doesn't matter where they are...they lose that awareness anyway. What a nightmare disease...as we've all mentioned a time or two.
I'd like to share a memory from my experience with this.
It was during the worst times when I had her at home. She was in the stage of partial incontinence, where I had to dress her, bathe her, ect. She recognized me as two different Georges. Sometimes I was the Real George and sometimes I was the Other George. In the evenings we would sit on the sofa holding hands, watching the TV, and she would ask me things like "What is your name?" and I would tell her "My name is George". Then she would say "You're not George" and I would tell her "I'm the other George" and that would satisfy her. Then sometimes she would ask "Where's George?", and I would say "They called him and he went down to FDS".(FDS was the place he used to work) Sometimes she would ask "Are you married? Do you have a family? Do you have a car?" and I would always give her an appropriate answer that she would be content with. With me playing the part of the Other George, we could spend a fairly nice evening together.
When we were playing around in bed at night, she would say things like "I'm not supposed to be sleeping with you". and "I hope George doesn't find out about us". And sometimes she would tell me about things she and George did together. At times, she would be very hostile and I would have to use force to bathe her, to get her dressed, to get her to sit down and eat, or to get her to sit on the toilet and at those times, I was the Real George. Once she told the Other George that George was mean to her.
I got used to being the Other George because that's the way she wanted it and I wanted to do all I could do to please her.
Now Katherine, I know what you're going through and I feel your pain and I'm hoping with all my heart that you can accept being the Other Katherine.