You have my sincere condolences. I am so sorry for your loss.
If you have any words you want to share, please know that we are here for you. And even though we can't be there with you right now, please know that we care about you, and our hearts are with you.
Dear Marge - we can only help by telling you - very definitely - that we know how you feel. Please, do you have people around you, you need someone's touch and hugs. It may not be the touch you long for, but it is important, it will help. If you want to rant and cry, please do so, we will listen and understand. My condolences, it may not sound like much, but we do understand. Betty
To add your star, sign in, and I think there is an edit button, or some direction, on how to subtract or add what you want. I'm sorry I can't remember exactly, but I do know the first step is to sign in. After that, it is very easy. Sending you love and prayers. So very sorry for your loss.
go to account at the top, click on personal information to change it. Make sure you make the change on your sign in screen and remember how you do it - like if you put a space between star and date, remember to do that on the sign in screen. ''
Sorry Marg. Hope you are able to get some rest now.
Sending you my most sincere sympathy Marg. You have certainly fought the good fight (although you didn't win) but you can now know that your DH will suffer no more. Love to you and wishes for strength and kindness to surround you in the days ahead. cassie.
Marg, Sending my deepest sympathy on the loss of your beloved. As you grieve I hope each day will be brighter. We are all here for you with love and understanding.
Marg, I am so sorry for your loss. Get some rest and know that if anybody can empathize and offer support, it is all of us here who have been through it.
Thank you for help with my star. And thank you sincerely for caring. The last six months, particularly, have been very difficult for him, but I am at peace knowing he is at last FREE. His face had been so stressed for so long, but at his passing, it became so peaceful that I cried with gladness for him. He looked like my husband from long ago. My birthday was on July 10th, and the best gift I received was the urn with his ashes. He is home with me now, free of pain, fear and confusion and I am SO grateful for that. This website and your support has enabled me to see him through. I will write later, as many things have to be done today. Margaret
At 1:58 a.m. on July 8th, Rene passed. It had been a difficult week, but in the last few days he was Palliative, not eating or drinking and in distress, physically and emotionally.
Since July 6th at 7:30 a.m. I had been at his side at the nursing home. Staff were wonderful. He was given medication every 4 hours around the clock for pain, agitation and to help clear the fluids built up in his lungs and bile coming from his stomach. His breathing was quite laboured, and he was, of course, on oxygen.
During a few difficult days for him, I had been telling him that, if it was too much, he should just 'let go' and his Mom and family would be waiting for him with open arms...that he need not worry about me, and that I would be ok.
For me, a revelation - I was telling the Behavioural Service Officer about this, and she said that after all these years of having NO control, I should give him back his POWER, and tell him that only HE and God were in charge of when his time came. It was giving him control again. I told him that, telling him that I would always love him, and if it took years, I would be there for him, but he was in charge!
On July 7th evening (as in the previous few days) I asked staff to make space for me in his bed beside him, to hold his hand and be close to him. About 11:30 p.m. he was again 'refreshed' and positioned, and a place made for me. The staff told me to keep talking to him, as at this point he could hear and understand. I held his hand, talked to him, sang (and he couldn't escape my singing ). Then we both fell asleep.
At 1:58 a.m. I woke, startled, to hear a huge sigh from him, and then he was gone. I had been holding his hand, and with that huge sigh, I believe he was letting me know he was leaving. I held him and cried, but they were also tears of gladness. The look of peace on his face was like the look of my old Rene. He had transitioned and was as last FREE of this terrible disease. This disease had robbed him of so much ... the ability to speak, pain, breakdown of skin on his back, involuntary yelling, total incontinence for a very dignified man, having no say in what anyone did to or for him, being fed ... he had lost so much!
One thing to be grateful for was the beautiful grounds. Preceding these last days, after feeding him, weather-permitting, and brushing his teeth, he napped, then I wheeled him to our favourite bench under a tree, put on his music, held onto his hand, and he fell asleep. He loved the outdoors. This was so good for him.
July 10 was my 80th birthday, and I received the greatest gift of all … an urn with his remains. He is back home again, and at peace at long last. I may be overly sentimental, but a while back I had canvasses made of photos from our good days. I have one in the computer room, over the computer, two others on the adjoining wall, and others in our bedroom. They bring back good memories … I feel he is with me, and the first thing I see in the morning (along with his urn), and the last thing at night. He was an old-fashioned guy who felt there had to be a leader in every relationship – ok by me. We both played fair. With his illness, he began to slowly lose, it was shaking his confidence, and his illness gave me strength to watch over him and protect him. I stood up to people when I felt it was necessary to get him what he needed. I have no regrets about that.
Nurses and staff had been dropping by in the last few days, asking how things were, mentioning his determination, in spite of the obstacles. One remembered how, when he first came, he was always calling and looking for me when I wasn't there ... another spoke with admiration about when he was doing physiotherapy and they were walking him around the unit, him SO ENTHUSIASTICALLY counting, in English, Swiss, German. They spoke about him with affection. And I remember these things.
I know I will miss him terribly, but I am so glad he is FREE. A few months ago I fell and fractured my nose and had two black eyes; then a month later, fell, hurting my nose again, breaking my left arm (primary arm) and kneecap. Probably the stress and always rushing. I healed quite well, but know it’s time to take better care, and that I will do. And I know he would want me to begin take better care of myself.
That is our story; hopefully it is not too much for you, but I have learned so much from hearing the stories of others … every one with something of value to help us.
Thanks for your support, and wishing all those still in the trenches the strength to carry on.
Having just been through this myself, I can tell you that I understand and you have my deepest condolences. You are looking at in such an unselfish way. I wish I could be more like you.
Thanks to all for your input. We all do the same, with love, just in different ways. I have been so touched and helped by many of the stories ... they really do help.
Joan, this website has been like medication for many of us, needed to keep going. Like our beloved spouses ... imagine how it would be if they did not receive their meds. This website, in my opinion, has done the same, and given many of us who were so desperate, a place to turn for information, support and comfort. Everyone here understands.
I got so many things done today - the funeral home had 'aftercare', and helped a lot with paperwork. They advised what to do with the rest, and that has been the focus of today. I want to get everything in order so I can relax, get healthy, and feel at peace with my memories of Rene.
I know I will really feel this later, but at this time I have a deep, deep sense of peace knowing he is released and in a better place.
Marg78, your moving account of your DH's last few days has touched me deeply, having just been there myself in May. Please take care of yourself and know you did the very best for him. I can honestly say that each day does get a bit better but that doesn't necessarily mean that each one is easy. I think in that first week or so you go strictly on adrenaline, taking care of all that needs attention but after that be gentle with yourself and take as much time as you need. I miss my DH terribly but, like you, am so thankful he is at peace and free from this scourge that robs them (and us) of absolutely everything.
So sorry for the loss of your dear husband. Thanks for sharing with us. It always makes me feel better when the surviving spouse is certain that their loved one is in the presence of Almighty God!
It's not two months yet since I lost my husband, too. I can truly feel your pain.
For me , grief comes in waves. My emotional state changes ...sometimes I feel relief but I also feel disbelief, sadness, Heart wrenching pain ..
Nights and mornings are the hardest. My therapist said that is because those are the "private marriage times"...the pillow talk, the cuddling, the tea time... Those are the loneliest times.
We have survived the worst of times. We are strong and resilient...even when we may not feel that way. Wishing you peace.
Lorrie, your comment about the pillow talk, the cuddling, ring so true for me also. We always spent a few minutes in the morning before getting out of bed, and then a few minutes in the evening before turning over for sleep, just holding each other and being together. It was a great start and end to each day. I miss that the most, too. I loved his hugs and knowing that he loved and supported me, no matter what. Rene has been in LTC for about 16-17 months in total, and, naturally, we each sleep alone at night; last night, for the first time, I reached for him, then panicked when I couldn’t find him … the fear when he wasn’t there was so real … and then came the realization that he is gone. Today I had an appointment for x-rays and checkup on my arm, and I had never felt such exhaustion during the whole day. I think we all understand how Joan is feeling. I so wish you peace. nbgirl – thank you for your support – and I hope that all of us can come through this and find a little peace, knowing we did everything we could. My heart truly goes out to those still struggling … this is such a hard, hard disease, never knowing what each day will bring, and knowing it is not going to be better. Thanks to all for your support and love. I would like to think that I will be able to help someone else. Margaret
I'm so sorry about the loss of your beloved husband. You gave him the opportunity to have a loving and pain-free death. I also feel very good about having my husband's ashes in the house with me. I wish you peace in the days to come.
Joni, Your story about the passing of your beloved husband helped me through the day and early morning of my husband's passing. Thank you so much for that. I wish you peace, also. Margaret