As the years of caregiving have gone by, I found myself unable to cry. Not that I didn't feel the need to cry--I just couldn't. I'd even watch sad movies, hoping they would help me to cry, to release some of the emotions I was feeling. Nothing.
Recently I was watching an old videotape I had recorded years ago. Right in the middle of a show I was enjoying, there was an ad I don't remember seeing before. In 16 seconds, with only 21 words, it absolutely put me on the floor.
This ad showed an older woman in the bathroom at night, putting her toothbrush back in the cup, straightening the towel, turning out the light. As she does that, she's leaning toward the door to the bedroom, saying: "It's supposed to rain all weekend. I hope it doesn't spoil the kids' plans. Didn't you think Susan looked too thin?"
And then she steps into the bedroom--and sees the empty bed, with only one side turned down. And it hits her. She had forgotten--just for a minute--that he wasn't there any more. The look on her face... And that feeling, like you can't catch your breath. I know that feeling.
There was no problem at all with crying after watching this--that night, the next day, and every time I think about it. It's been a couple of weeks now, and I still cry whenever I think about it.
If there is a disease more cruel than this one, I hope I never have to even hear about it.
jan, let the tears flow, you probably need to get them out I have no problem crying, even sobbing sometimes, but it always amazes me what will trigger it. sometimes the most mundane, obscure things will bring my mind to something that happened years ago and destroy me.
There is nothing more cruel than this disease. NOTHING. (((HUGS)))
I think crying is quite different for each of us and we all have our own way of expressing our extreme sadness and grief.
When I received a telephone message from the nursing home. and they said my Dear Helen was near the end . I went there and she was lying in bed as usual with the head of the bed slightly raised. She was taking short breaths. Oxygen tubes were attached. My daughter was sitting there holding her hand, and several nursing aids were just standing there. They greeted me when I arrived, but there was very little conversation.
After about ten minutes, one of the nurses said "She's taking her last breath right now". I asked her how she knew and she said she had seen it before. They summoned the chief RN who came and listened to her heart with a stethoscope. Then looked at her watch and said "She has passed... at two-thirty"
We all hugged each other, and there were some tears. Even though I was long prepared for this, it was somehow different. I completely lost my voice. I couldn't say a word. Other staff members were coming in to console my daughter and me, and after a while the chief RN asked if I wanted her to call the mortuary. Again, I couldn't talk....I could only whisper.
That's the way I expressed extreme grief, and that was the only time I ever lost me voice.
I get those weird moments, too, Jan...when the unexpected feeling of exquisitely poignant loss and nostalgia just about knocks me over. I'll be doing just fine...like the other day when I was tidying the bedroom and making my bed first thing...and all of a sudden, when I dusted his Bible (the old one he treasured because I had it professionally re-bound in good leather with his name on it) on his nightstand, I just picked up that Bible and clutched it against me...like it might bring him closer to me. I don't know...it just hit me that he would never again pick it up in bed at night and read it before bed. (He was a religious guy, but not one to make a show of it. He did like to say his rosary and read his Bible though.)
But it's been ten months, and I didn't expect to get hit like that. It happened last night, too, when the family was over here doing supper and sparklers for the 4th of July. It was the first Independence Day without him, but let's be honest, it's hardly a major holiday like Christmas or Easter. Anyway, I found myself blowing a kiss at the couch where he always liked to lie under his afghan, and actually saying out loud, "Happy Fourth, babe." And I made sure I turned on the TV to watch the Macy's fireworks in NYC...because we always did that. And that feeling of loss, of the world being out of sync, of being all alone in limbo and not really okay, because he's gone....sheesh...can we ever be complete again without them? There is honestly not one person on this green earth who loves me and cares about me the way he did...who likes to live day-to-day the way we did...I miss that feeling of being "number 1" with someone...of there being someone who is my partner, my comrade in arms, who puts me first no matter what. It is just so obvious that I'm floating around like a free electron with no nucleus...I'm not part of the atom anymore. I'm kind of the "extra" person...the fifth wheel...the gooseberry. I guess I'm someone who likes the married state.
I would have said that I was doing well...losing weight...taking more of an interest in my own life as "me" not "us". And then there is some little trigger, and I am right back to square one. But I got tough with myself this morning--took about an hour in the bathroom like a teenager would...did "everything" to myself like I was in a spa...hair, nails, scrubs, lotions, oils, ha-ha (yeah, just call me Kim Kardashian)...I looked nice today for church and going to the grocery...felt a little better, more like a real human being and less like a survivor of the Titanic just going through the motions.
Jan, Whoa, just reading your description of that ad knocked me over. I find myself thinking about something, and saying to myself - oh, I have to tell Sid. Which, if you think about it, is rather odd, because he hadn't had any reaction to anything I had told him in at least a year prior to his death.(Will I ever get used to referring to him as dead?)
Elizabeth, I could have written your second paragraph. It's exactly how I feel. No one has ever loved me with such unconditional abandon as he did. How lucky I was to have had that. As were you.
Love your description of being a Titanic survivor. How perfect.
Elizabeth, thanks for your insights on grieving. You are further along than me but i already feel like a fifth wheel when around my family. I have a large family and they are already "planning next summers vacation" and I will be expected to go but deep down I really do not want to. I can barely get through each day let alone something that is a year from now. I want desperately to make my own life but realize I am still finding out who I am as a now single person. I love my family but somehow am struggling to find a balance between being my own person and spending time with my family. I am hoping things get a little better at 3 months out. I too was one who liked the married state.
I, too, liked the married state. It's been a little over two months for me now and Elizabeth, you really nailed my feelings, especially the 2nd paragraph. No one on this earth loves me now like he did. I could just mention something I'd like done to the house and he was out getting the materials to do it. I could suggest somewhere I would like to go and he would start getting ready. If I wanted a picture hung, he was ready with the measuring tape and got it done. There are so many things that need doing around the house, things that are hard for me to do by myself. I miss having a partner to work with and being number 1 in his life.
I know what you mean Dazed. When we shopped I finally had to stop voicing out loud when I really liked something. He would always go back and buy it for me. Every single time! He loved to please me!
Such good and helpful comments on the grieving process. C02, you and I are at about the same place in the journey and I so identify with your thoughts on family. I just spent a weekend out of town with my three adult children, their spouses, and four small grandchildren, and as I was sitting quietly listening to their chatter it hit me how much I do not want to be dependent on them for my entertainment and happiness - don't get me wrong, I enjoy and am thankful for the times they include me but I know I need to try and move on and forge my own life, as scary as that prospect may be. I also don't want them to feel responsible for my wellbeing as they have their own lives, jobs, families, etc. It's just so darn difficult to go from being part of a 'we' to a 'me'.
nbgirl* you said it exactly about not wanting to be dependent on the family for all my socializing and happiness. I am becoming aware that now that my husband has passed and I have actually survived the nightmare that after 7 years I am not the same person as when it started. And given that fact it will undoubtedly affect the family. When my husband was alive it was all about the kids and grandkids. Now,it definitely feels different. I feel that my kids still see me as before. I have to believe that the "new" person will slowly emerge eventually and they will have to,adjust. I am even beginning to rethink the Christmas family get together. When one moves on I believe that things definitely do change. But change is not easy
Yes, a sea change in family life, family dynamics, etc. Finding my footing in all this, while coping with the loss of Larry, is a huge task, and will have huge implications for the rest of my life. Scary, very scary.
I am struggling with the change in the family dynamics as well. For years holidays were celebrated here at our house. My mom, all our children and my sister and her family all came here. The last five years have changed that. And let me say my mom is not happy about that. I feel like it is time for someone else to step up and take over. I did do Christmas five days after DH service, but both DDs wanted me to, so I did it for them. And glad I did. So many of the family ties have changed for me. I am no longer really talking with my DS. He was no help when his father needed help and not here for me. So many of the family relationships have changed. I am not sure why, is it me? Or have expectations changed. My mom thinks I should just sit at home and do nothing. She was shocked that I went out on Sunday and saw a movie.
Back on topic. Watched the movie Inside Out by myself Sunday. First time to a movie by myself. And the little short animation at the start had me in tears. It was a sweet little love story set in Hawaii. Needless to say all I could think of was Coco and her sweet Dado, and how much she misses him.
Blue* We moved to a condo so I do not have the room for Christmas get together. We have it at one of my daughter in laws on Christmas Eve but then I feel bad that one of them has to host it plus deal with their own family's Christmas. I think in the fall I am going to send out an email and suggest we come up with another plan. I am not close to my sister even tho she lives close by and I have 2 brothers in Florida. My mother lives 80 miles away so it always means either myself or my sister has to travel to get her. She is 93 and does not travel well. Fortunately my sister is POA for her. I told her I could not do another POA for a while. The honest truth is I sort of dread the holidays anymore. When he was alive it always meant picking him up from the ALF and taking him there and taking him back. It was not enjoyable for me but I guess I did it for the kids. But now things are definitely different.
This morning I spent 1 1/2 hours touring a facility, answering questions and filling out paper work to get DH registered at an overnight respite place. It costs less than $40 per night and you are allowed up to 90 days per calendar year. So far he has been fine to stay alone on the times I go away for a weekend which is about twice a year but this disease is progressing and I am getting more uneasy each time. Also I want him to be all ready to go in case of an emergency if I am suddenly unavailable.
The director was very nice, competent, thorough and understanding. The home was beautiful, bright, well furnished, etc. It all went well.
Then I said goodbye, went out to the car and sobbed. Just another loss, another step towards the inevitable. Sigh.
ring, I am glad for your sake that you have taken that step - but I also know how difficult it must have been to do it. Sob, weep, cry, wail - do what you have to do. Arms around.
Jan K - I am the type of person that can cry at a particularly moving rendition of the national anthem, or any other piece of music, for that matter. I even cry while watching some Tim Horton's commercials, particularly around Christmas time, and I don't even like Tim Horton's! So I understand how you can be blind sided by tears while watching an ad, particularly one that has relevance for we the care givers and survivors. We can't hold our emotions in forever and expect to remain human.
As Jan K said in her first sentence, I can't cry.....sometimes I want to, think I would feel so much better if I could release some the pressure, but I just can't. Haven't found much that will make me cry either (I did shed a couple of tears watching the Glenn Campbell thing). This is all so odd for me because I used to cry very easily. My mother used to tell me that I could cry easier than I could pee!! (Must have been an old-time expression). Dan used to tease me that he married me because he felt sorry for me because I cried all the time :) As a little girl, I was known by my brother's buddies as "cry baby". It seems all the tears have now been turned inward, feel more angry & loveless at this point, kind of dried up inside. Wonder what will happen someday if the dam breaks?
I think everybody just does the best that they can Mim, and your feelings of anger are probably where you are right now. My emotions were so crazy, up and down, between anger and despair that I about lost my mind for a while. I think we all handle stress( and this is TRAUMATIC stress) in the best way we know how. Ring, the hardest thing I have had to face so far is the constant loss that we feel as this disease progresses. That puts us in a constant state of grief. The only good thing I can think of is that we are here for each other. Even though most of us have never met each other we have a common bond and understanding that the general population doesn't have. I have had many people tell me, my grandmother had ALZ or my uncle, or whatever and they are trying to be kind, but until you have had your partner, your spouse, the love of your life in the shoes of, it is not the same thing. I am so thankful to Joan that she started this website because it has been a lifesaver for me and I know many others. It is ok to be honest and share exactly how you feel. For me, my feelings have a broad range every day.