The first day of July. Also Canada Day but it has dawned rainy and gloomy in the Nation's capital, which will put a downer on some of the celebrations.
My DH has now been in a care facility for one month. In that time, he has called twice. Both times he has called he was confused about some activities he was to participate in. I easily calmed him down and explained what needed to happen. The staff have also called twice - once over an administrative issue, and the other time because of confusion over an off site activity. Again, both easily solved.
I consider myself very fortunate that his transition to placement has gone so well. He has only had two complaints. The first is that they will not allow him to have any money (this is for his own protection), and the other is that they will not let him wear two pull ups at the same time. He used to do this at home to prevent leaks. The money issue I can't do anything about, except reassure him that the manager has funds in his name he can use for his outings. An for the other issue I brought him some more pants to wear, so that if he does wet himself he can change. The facility does the laundry. He also doesn't think the food is as good as what I cook, but then I did spoil him.
I visit twice a week. On one of those visits we go out for a drive and a treat, and on the other we sit quietly and chat. He has started to live in the past, but I have noticed that because he is socializing more, he is better able to carry on a conversation. All good.
If he is wearing disposable pull ups, you can buy pads separately to put in them to make them more absorbent. The pads are triangular shaped with instructions everywhere, but the staff often put them in upside down, or in the back (!!) but they still do the job.
Bqd I'm so glad the transition has gone well for you both. It must be such a huge adjustment for you. Sad but a relief too I imagine.
Now that summer is here We are spending time at our cottage. DH loves it there and is very content while we are there. Perhaps cottage is a misleading term. It is an old construction trailer plunked down in the woods near a lake. It does have hydro but no plumbing which may be an issue because DH was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis several months ago. Also the ground is very rough and uneven. So far he has fallen twice and have a few poop accidents and we are very early into the season. Also the water is about 12 feet off the dock and DH is a non-swimmer.
As I read what I have written I wonder why I even try to bring him up there. The reason is that we both love it there. He has shown no signs of wandering which will be a deal breaker eventually since we are surrounded by hundreds of acres of forest. But DH spends hours sitting peacefully on the dock watching the loons and says things to me like "isn't God wonderful? I can't believe we have access to such a beautiful place". He also swims every day wearing a life jacket and still enjoys going in the row boat, campfires, and all other cottage activities. There are only a few other cottages and often we are the only people at the lake.
It is a kind of respite for me since it is so peaceful (no TV or Internet). I am aware that every visit there may be our last. God willing, we will have a full season up there this year.
ring - enjoy the cottage for as long as you can. Life is too short to give up pleasures prematurely. And Charlotte has an idea there - perhaps a commode would help if getting to the outhouse starts to be an issue.
Charlotte - Perhaps I feel like I am still on vacation, or on a very long respite. I was even able to take a trip a couple of weeks ago to see my 98 year old father. About three weeks in, my difficulties with sleeping disappeared, which is a bonus as I now have more energy, and a more positive outlook. I am staying busy (easy to do this time of year) and also trying to maintain a healthy diet. Cooking for one is challenging, but not impossible. So all in all I think I am doing well.
Edited to add: It makes it easier knowing that my DH is well looked after. The staff at the home are caring and compassionate, and are far able to look after him than the burned out caregiver I was becoming.
Just dropping in to say aloha, and to also say I do read here, feel and pray for you, and jump in when I think I am needed. Hopefully soon I will be able to speak more freely. I am going to Dado's hometown in Maui for a few days, on July 23, to visit his gravesite on the one year anniversary of his passing. In my heart, I am telling myself, this will make a shift in the grief. The control tendencies will always be a part of me, and I do not want to live each and every day just thinking I am still married. Need to make a change.
Coco, I hope you find what you are looking for in your visit to Dado's gravesite. Post when you can -I always look forward to reading what you have to say.
HI bqd..just to correct you. It is Dado, my deceased husband, not my Dad that I am going to visit. An honest mistake, Dado is an uncommon name. You must have thought I spelled Dad wrong...( ;
You can call me dad if you want. Nobody's ever called me that before. I'm sure there's a good reason.
Happy Canada Day to all the Canucks. I'm reminded of the local beer commercial running where the young man surfs in riding two beavers or something and on his t-shirt in smallish letters is the word 'sorry'. That's hilarious. I want one of those. We're known to be polite but anyone looking at our obsession with our national sport fighting...I mean hockey, can see that there's a lot more to us. From the codless bays of Newfoundland to the salmonless bays of Vancouver, there is a message:
Message:
"The fishes is all gone. Oh yes nah, you knows bah"
Answer:
"Hey man. Feel the gravity waves."
It kind of get's you right there. I'm shedding a little tear here.
Coco - no, I knew it was your husband Dado, I just made a typing error, which I have now corrected :-). Sometimes my mind and my fingers aren't in sync.
Happy Canada Day to all our Canadian friends. As I've noted before, I still have some family in Newfoundland. My grandmother left at eighteen and settled in New York City.
It is July and hot as blazes here in Texas. We are going to do a big fireworks show at the park. They have free hamburgers and hotdogs, a parade with the sheriff's posse and all of the old pickups and trucks and tractors. It is usually a good time. As each day passes I realize that more and more I am having to forge a life without my DH who has been in the NH for 6 months now. I have suddenly realized that I have eaten my way through this crisis and placing my DH. Chocolate has been my comfort food. I realized that I have packed on 12 pounds since he went into the NH. I have got to figure out a way to get through my days without mindless eating. Maybe I will just take up booze? Just kidding.
Yeah, a day without wine is like a day without sunshine. But I just can't do it. I never could drink beer because it made me gain weight, and now the same is true about wine. What a drag.
On the 4th of July, we could hear people shooting off fireworks, so we looked out the window to see if we could see any. Wow, could we! We live at the edge of town, with subdivisions on either side, and from one window we could see fireworks being set off in five different locations at once, including in the next town over. It was amazing! (There were also a lot of fireworks in the other direction, but we were afraid we'd miss something if we went to another window to look!) Some of them were so big and bright that they lit up the inside of our house with red or green colors. Since DH is in no condition to go to a fireworks display, it was really nice to have our own private show at our apartment.
We got engaged on the 4th of July--45 years ago. It's always been a special day for us, besides being a national holiday.
On Facebook one of those quizzes you can take is which Reba song was written for you. I got "Is There Life Out There". I am not a Reba fan (although I do like her singing), so had to look up the words. This is what the quiz said about me which is dead on:
This smash hit is all about believing in yourself and following your dreams, no matter how hard it may be. You have a tendency to put the needs of your friends and family before your own and are always willing to lend a hand, but remember, there is life out there beyond your day to day responsibilities! Take some time for yourself and have a little fun! You deserve it!
These are the words that I think many here can identify with at some time in your life.
REBA MCENTIRE LYRICS "Is There Life Out There"
She married when she was twenty She thought she was ready Now she's not so sure She thought she'd done some living But now she's just wonderin' What she's living for Now she's feeling that there's something more
Is there life out there So much she hasn't done Is there life beyond Her family and her home She's done what she should Should she do what she dares She doesn't want to leave She's just wonderin Is there life out there
She's always lived for tomorrow She's never learned how To live for today She's dyin' to try something foolish Do something crazy Or just get away Something for herself for a change
Is there life out there So much she hasn't done Is there life beyond Her family and her home She's done what she should Should she do what she dares She doesn't want to leave She's just wonderin Is there life out there
There's a place in the sun that she's never been Where life is fair and time is a friend Would she do it the same as she did back then She looks out the window and wonders again
Is there life out there So much she hasn't done Is there life beyond Her family and her home She's done what she should Should she do what she dares She doesn't want to leave She's just wonderin Is there life out there
Is there life out there So much she hasn't done Is there life beyond Her family and her home She's done what she should Should she do what she dares She doesn't want to leave She's just wonderin Is there life out there
I recently came upon these two quotes that were very meaningful for me. So I thought I would share them here.
Something to do, someone to love, something to hope for. These are the grand essentials for happiness in this life. .........L.M. Boyd
JUST FOR TODAY---I will live through the next 12 hour and not try to tackle all of life's problems at once. JUST FOR TODAY---I will improve my mind. I will learn something useful. I will read something that requires effort, thought, and concentration. JUST FOR TODAY---I will be agreeable. I will look my best, speak in a well modulated voice, be courteous and considerate. JUST FOR TODAY---I will not find fault with friend, relative or colleague. I will not try to change or improve anyone but myself. JUST FOR TODAY---I will have a program. I might not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two enemies, hurry and indecision. JUST FOR TODAY---I will do a good turn and keep it a secret. If anyone finds out, it won't count. JUST FOR TODAY---I will do two things I don't want to do, just for the exercise. JUST FOR TODAY---I will believe in myself. I will give my best to the world and feel confident that the world will give it's best to me. ............ Author unknown
edit JUST FOR TODAY---GeorgieBoy will read this list and think about it.
George, I can tell who didn't write the second quote. L. M. Boyd. I agree with that first person though. I have engaging things to do every day, I love my cats, and I hope for much more than this. Apparently I have all the grand essentials for happiness already. ;-D
We have a prophet from up here but now long in LA who said this:
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” – Wayne Gretzky
I prefer JRR Tolkien who invented several complete languages while writing his book Lord of the RIngs. There are two scenes I would like to paraphrase which together are meaningful to me.
In one scene where Merry is afraid with the Orcs assaulting Gondor, the wizard Gandalf says to him "You have but one task. Decide what to do with the time that is given to you."
In that same battle, the riders of Rohan are coming to their aid. The troops are restless because they hear the armies of the enemy are very powerful and they say to King Théoden "We cannot win my lord."
"No." he answers, "But we will meet them in battle nevertheless."
Watching an old episode of Quincy, ME. An old friend comes to him worrying he is loosing his mind and Quincy basically ignores the guys fears. Then it goes to Quincy talking with his girlfriend who is a psychologist. He says the guy is just experiencing senility, a normal part of aging. She then reads him the riot act about how it is not a normal part of aging. She offers to do a neuropsych workup on him. How there are many things that can be causing senility (which is not caused dementia), many of which can be treated. She says that unfortunately doctors check it off as part of aging and by the time the real cause it discovered, it is too late to treat and reverse. Yahoo for her. Yes, there is some forgetting that is part of aging, but you remember it later. It is when you can't remember later that you need to get diagnosed. There are no treatments for dementia but of the other diseases that has dementia has a symptoms, there are treatments that can reverse it. So get checked out and don't stop until the doctor has done more than say 'it is a normal part of aging'.
So true, Charlotte - if my DH's worries had been taken seriously by his previous doctor, he would have been diagnosed with dementia years earlier, and had a better quality of life in the interim because of it. We would have traveled more, and done more activities that we both enjoy. Instead, he was already in stage 5 by the time he was diagnosed, by a different doctor, and by then he was withdrawn, and we were both withdrawing from society.
I poked fun at Bruce Jenner last month. If people aren't aware, he has undergone various sex change operations because he feels he was meant to be a woman. So I wrote last month that I was meant to be rich. I rarely unload but I now see that he was given some sort of award for his 'bravery' and I'm hearing noise that there may be some reality TV thing.
I don't agree there's anything real going on here except that Bruce Jenner has an identity crisis which has less to do with his sex than it has to do with getting attention. Somehow it's important not just to do every surgery that makes him look like something out of a horror magazine, but that the cameras be around him.
There's nothing brave about Bruce doing this. Come and look into the world here if you want to look at bravery. AD is way to real though and what Bruce will eventually learn is that circuses never really go away - they just pop up anywhere and then fade away. How is this different from having lime green hair and dark eye makeup because you want to be gothic?
Real people faced with deep transformations in their lives who don't resort to plastics and surgery and publicity to change the outward appearance are the heroes.
bdq, That's a very good point about early diagnosis - it motivates you to do things while you still can.
I'm not among those who is keen about early diagnosis. In my mind, it serves no medical purpose. (I do not believe in the efficacy of the drugs offered for AD.) And it just alerts you that the horror show has officially begun. However, this site has made me realize that early diagnosis has two valuable functions: It warns you that you cannot put off doing things you have wanted to do and it helps to explain your spouse's odd behavior and to treat them with kindness, rather than impatience. A fairly early diagnosis in my husband's case prompted me to arrange a winter vacation (to see baseball Spring training) for a number of years and also changed my whole attitude toward his annoying behaviors. (Unfortunately, it also caused me to fall apart but that would have happened eventually, anyway.)
Thank you, Wolf, for articulating my exact feelings about B/C Jenner. It is all about attention. attention. attention.
This whole idea of bravery has been hijacked, too. It used to mean that someone who put his life on the life for someone else (stared death down while rescuing a vulnerable fellow man) was called a hero. Now anyone who has faced adversity is called a hero. Adversity is part of the human condition and a part of living. The adversity that we face is one of the grand-daddies of adversity, but I'm not sure it makes for heroes. I surely am not, even though it seems that AD flogs me daily. While it may eventually kill me, I don't consider it the same as an act of heroism like saving a toddler from an oncoming car.
The attention being lavished on B/C Jenner is a symptom of the triviality of media. If she is happy with the transformation, good for her, but whatever happened to quietly getting on with one's life?
That's how I feel too, but I'll take issue with one thing.
The spouse gives up their hopes and dreams, gives up their own needs, and instead sticks with their partner through hopeless years to support them as best they can muster. I don't care how ugly it is, how often that person falls down, how many times they wail at the moon. That person is worthy of being called a hero. That person has character.
I don't see myself as a hero either. Who's in the mood to think like that? But I have demonstrated seriously good character and 95% of the entire human population is going to agree every time.
The partner that gives up their hopes and dreams. Gives up their own needs. And sticks through hopeless years to support them as best they can muster.
Tell me what that is.
(I'm being rhetorical, but, it would be excellent if humans were wired to appreciate things like that later)
Marche, Some time ago there was a spouse who was overcome and having difficulty keeping on top of everything she had to do. You gave great advice … you spelled out for her what should be done and when. That was so helpful that I printed it, and value it. Thank you!
In response to Wolfe and marche, I never thought that I had within me what it takes to see my husband through this ordeal. Nor did I think that I would be able to walk into a dementia unit and have the patience and willingness to socialize with other residents and even put smiles on their faces. Before this disaster hit us, I thought I knew myself well but now I realize that what I knew were mostly my weaknesses and only a few of my strengths. I am astonished that I have had the wherewithal to make it made it this far. (Of course, I might fall down dead when this is over.) I do not regard this as heroism (which I view as requiring an extraordinary act of bravery) but I do see it as an accomplishment.
Well said, myrtle. When I go to the ALF everyday I think of it as visiting a neighboring planet. I do things for my spouse and socialize with the natives in ways that I could never have imagined. I do it because it is how I survive now. I never feel special for having this ability to meld into an alien environment, and I can easily be resentful of those on the home planet who glibly live what looks like the good life, oblivious of the pain and suffering and loneliness of this existence in which I was thrown kicking and screaming.
And excellent point, Wolf. We cannot save our spouse under any circumstance and often the disease claims the caregiver, too. If being a hero involves saving someone, is someone a hero who saves himself?
marche and Wolf, in my opinion someone who saves themselves just has a very strong sense of survival - no heroism there.
And I think that in the Jenner case, the more that is written and spoken about it, the more that Jenner gets the attention she so desperately craves. I would rather put my efforts into giving attention to others and their causes that need attention and lack the financial resources to get it on their own.
Yesterday was the annual BBQ at the day center my DH attends. In other years, I used the opportunity to stay home and accomplish things I couldn't otherwise get done with him around the house. This year, because he is now living in a residence for people with dementia, I decided to attend the event so that I could spend some time with him. Most of the people that attend the day center have some sort of cognitive challenge, and I doubt that I would have ever ventured there if I had not been a care giver. So instead of sitting in a corner wondering what to do, I was able to converse with my DH as well as other of the attendees, and even participated in a game of ball toss. Something I couldn't/wouldn't have done before. And it doesn't matter to me whether or not the organizers appreciated my efforts at participation. I did it because I genuinely wanted to, and like myrtle, I now feel comfortable in that environment.
First off, my experience has been all about learning to do and survive caregiving. In my opinion when my wife went into a NH it was a huge change. But the real divide was when she passed away. How much difference did the NH make? A ton. But not in this league of change. 'Afterwards' is it's own beast. I say that because I want to explain that I see things from over here now and I have no choice about that.
I agree that saving yourself does not make you a hero. But I also say the distinction of how we see ourselves and our lives afterwards is an essential part of the fulcrum that is going to be what we think and see while change is rampant and change is going to be rampant. Luckily we have almost no feelings and will stay stunned by what was essentially torture for some time - so we're unlikely to notice that much for a while.
I'll give one example to show I'm not blowing smoke. On the day after Dianne died my purpose in life was resoundingly changed even though I was too stunned to get that. It wasn't until that day that my life changed from us-ishness to self-ishness.
In that one moment I was no longer living the life I was living for us. I was in that instant living that life for my self. From selfless to selfish in the blink of an eye.
And what do we start doing then? We try to find our selves.
And when we find ourselves alone, who is there to help us or not? Our self.
That's a goldmine for screenplays. Follow Mr Been on his hilarious adventures stuck with the travelling companion he never actually loathed - just treated like the Omega Wolf for unknown reasons all of which are in his face now - with zany and side splitting results. Rated R.
Since my wife died I have been finding out things about her that I was unaware of. At her memorial service our son told about the time he brought home the carcass of a muskrat to dissect and she came and helped him. He decided she was a "cool' mom. Then a couple of days ago I heard from a hospice worker who was seeing someone else in the memory unit my wife was in that when she (the hospice worker) would sit down next to the woman she was seeing and hold her hand, my wife would sit down on the other side and hold the other hand.
June is not being kind.Besides the terrible heat,I have had a couple complications from May's surgery.The two doctors cannot get together until end of August to do more surgery,I feel like I am in limbo, cannot do hardly anything without discomfort. I feel terrible that I can only get to the NH to see Sonny a few times a week.I have to pray that they are looking after him since he cannot talk and ask for anything.With many of the staff taking vacations ,they hire aides from agencies, this is a problem, Sonny looks so normal and is always smiling and the temporary aides think he will answer them when they ask him a question.
Mary, I'm sorry you're not completely recovered from your May surgery, and yes, the extreme heat doesn't help. Seeing Sonny a couple of times a week is okay, although it mustn't seem that way to you. It's enough to let the staff know you are keeping tabs, and it is enough to let Sonny know you are there for him.
So, I'm trying to get out more and find ways to connect to the planet I've basically ignored for most of a decade. I thought I would catch up on what's happening in entertainment these days and I see that Taylor Swift has a new boyfriend. Nothing new there.
Then I see Charlize Theron invited Obama to a strip club. He declined. Then I see Caitlin Jenner is playing tennis filming "I am Cait". Then I see that Sinead OConnor is cancelling her tour and that Weird Al Yankovic and Brian Wilson are on tour and the Rolling Stones are thinking about it. Nothing has changed in a decade here.
But then I read that Donald Trump gave out Lindsay Graham's phone number and I see that Lindsay has a video going viral right now where he smashes his phone into next week with a baseball bat. Which is a lot more entertaining than entertainment.
BTW about Caitlin Jenner - I've sent in a design concept to Rayban for glasses with mini breast airbags that can be inflated with the touch of a button to prevent you from having to look at her swinging around those water balloons on her documentary about her documentary about having fun with surgery after getting his parts bobbed. Actually, I'm not sure he was that brave and whether yes, santa there is a virginia there now. The safety air breasts have a message where left airbreast reads 'these aren't' and right airbreast reads "real either".
Pressing the Caitlin eject button on your Raybans protects you from exposure to what let's face it looks like Jack Nicholson playing the joker on Batman except with breasts made by Corningware swinging around through the air wildly. It's a sure winner.
And just before I signed off I see that Taylor Swift has a new boyfriend. Again.
I don't know where this belongs, but has anyone ever gagged & wept at poopy accidents? I suppose so, but this is kind of new for me. It wasn't really even a horrendous one, but I thought I couldn't stand it. The best part, he came & told me, had changed out of his jeans, into pj's, but we couldn't find the soiled under shorts! Searched in places I hoped & prayed they wouldn't be, finally found them on the basement floor near the washing machine. He didn't remember taking them downstairs, of course now he doesn't remember the accident. When I cleaned up around the toilet, he asked me if I had gloves!! Such concern :)
I can't breathe & my hands are shaking & my tummy is clenched - took a whole anxiety pill (I usually only need 1/2). Come on sleepy time!!
Mim, if he is starting to get into this stage, I would get yourself prepared with a lot of plastic bags and paper towels, a box of disposable gloves for yourself, some odor neutralizer spray, and possibly a mask to put on if you are cleaning up poop. Also a jar of Vicks and a bottle of alcohol (or a box of those little alcohol squares), to dab on your nose so you don't smell the poop. Others will come along with other good specific suggestions, I'm sure. Listen, I've been an RN since 1971 and poop can still make me gag. (Wouldn't you think I'd be used to it by now? Unfortunately...no.) Just stockpile enough supplies so you are ready for anything up to and including a poop volcano. Get rid of it quickly and efficiently, trying not to see it or smell it as much as possible. If it's on him, I would try to get him in the shower to eliminate all that wiping and dabbing. Just spray it off of him. At least it's summer now, so we can open the windows. That helps a lot, and so does a room spray, something like Lysol Neutra Air works well. If he has it dried on him, soften it with lotion so it will come off easier. I know there are whole threads on this subject. (And this is probably a cop out, but I honestly at times just threw out DH's underwear rather than deal with it. Wasteful, I know, but I just couldn't stand it.) And of course, past a certain point, you're going to want to go to disposable adult incontinence underwear.
Yes, knots in stomach, gagging, anxiety through the roof...I think you're perfectly normal, Mim. At least, that's the way I was, too.
I found a long incontinence thread and put it to the top. Hope some of the suggestions help. (Astonishing thread... when I started to re-read it I couldn't believe the stuff I and so many others have done. And the knowledge base...we could teach a class: Poop 101. Or how about this: "Your Personal Journey to Brown Town: The Quest for Incontinence Care." Yeah right...not funny. Sigh.
Good advice, Elizabeth. I remember seeing threads about this subject, but not really absorbing the information at that time. I will have to go back & read the info with more attention. I think I should probably lay in a supply of cheap-o rubber gloves...I wish I'd had them last night.
I understand about throwing underwear away....I've done that already, just a couple of times because I simply didn't want that in the washing machine!! Okay Penney's, here we come! Or maybe I should look for something cheaper....
I do remember someone on here who held the title of "Poop Queen"! Don't remember who at the monent....
Got myself up early today and went to Farmer's Market which is on Friday in my town. The days are in the 100s now so wanted to get there before it gets too hot, which if I waited for hb it would have been. Left him a note telling him where I went. By the time I got home at 11 he was just getting up.
Dinner tonight: vine ripened tomatoes with Best Foods mayo and a little pepper (one of the few things I like pepper on); lemon cucumber; sweet and tender corn on the cob - of course with lots of butter (I do have to cut his off the cob because of his bridge); chicken baked in Yoshida Gourment cooking sauce; and Hermiston red seedless watermelon - they had yellow and orange but I knew I would never get hb to try them even though the basically tasted the same. Yummy dinner and plenty of tomatoes, lemon cucumbers and watermelon for the next couple days.
Made it to 108 again today but since the humidity is so low, not as bad as if it were 108 in Florida!
My mom always had them growing in the garden for us kids to eat. We would pick and eat them like picking apples off a tree. I prefer them before they turn yellow. The seeds get bigger, the rind gets tough and not as tasty the yellower they get - IMO. So I like mine with just a light yellow. Last year I found them at the farmers market and was so happy. They do have 'whiskers' on but you just rub them off like you rub peach fuss off peaches. They are great by themselves or in salads. Even though many descriptions say they don't have a lemon flavor, I think they have a real slight lemon flavor.
The Lemon cucumber is a spherical, round to oval-shaped broad fruit that grows two to three inches in length. The small to medium sized fruit often has a protrusion at the blossom end, somewhat like a navel orange. Changing color as it matures, its early, light green to lemon-yellow color turns a golden yellow as it ripens. The mild, pleasant taste is complemented by a cool, crisp texture. Resembling a lemon in appearance, the flavor is more delicately sweet and less acidic than the common green cucumber. Similar to a kiwi, Lemon cucumber skin has tiny bristles that are edible but may be easily removed. - See more at: http://www.specialtyproduce.com/produce/Lemon_Cucumbers_3844.php#sthash.ixuDbwAz.dpuf