I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com- and read my new blog. It explains what I have been going through for the last almost 3 weeks. To those of you who have been through it, I would like to hear your responses. Have you felt the same as I do? Have you felt differently? Perhaps those of you who have not yet been through this experience can also share your thoughts.
Joan-I am so proud of you. As we discussed-the first few months are a blur. You remember nothing that was said and wonder if you are going crazy. Numbness sets in along with profound sadness. Gradually you put one foot in front of the other as you try to find the new normal. It is our turn to support you.
Joan, Very well put. The numbness and deep sadness are ever present. I am learning there is no time line for this. It will be for as long as it takes. Reading books by others whose spouses have passed is helping me at least to understand what I am going through. At least if I can intellectually understand it, perhaps I will not think I am going totally crazy. As bluedaze* says it is definitely a new normal and it cannot be rushed.
Numb, sad, baffled. I have had days where I think this has been a dream I can't wake up from. The immense weight of the grief lifts and after almost 3 months the tears still flow but not as often. But the emptyness that remains is...wow.
You cannot. Yes that is the sum of it. So it seems to be a matter of it has happened, and now what? How do we get through the pain? Time yes, of course. It will be one year soon for us, and as I build up to it, the searing loss and missing him rears up heavily.
I did not want him to die, selfishly. As someone I love knows said, even though we know it is best for them, for us, we cannot just touch them anymore, feel their skin and warmth, and kiss them. Yet of course, I know , he needed to go.
So very very proud of you Joan. And as Nora said, the first few months are a blur, for me there was a click after the three months, and I felt like I could breath again, small glimmers of hope. All my love and understanding to each and every one of you.
I did not put this in the blog, but here it is - no matter what dementia put me through for 12 years, no matter how much Alzheimer's Disease took from Sid's personality, no matter how much of his brain it destroyed, the man who died in that Hospice bed was my old Sid, the Sid I was in love with my whole life, NOT the Alzheimer Sid. That's just the way it is. Did those of you whose spouses died, feel that same way; that you were losing the "Before AD" spouse, not the shell Alzheimer's Disease had made of them? That's what has made the pain so searing and so deep.
Yes, Joan, as I sat by his side and watched him die, it was the dear husband and friend who I had spent most of my life with who was slipping away from me. I didn't have any thoughts of the dreadful disease. And, in the days after he was gone, I also never thought about the dementia journey, only that without him my life would never be the same.
I am so sorry for the grief you will experience in the coming days and months.
Joan, for me the loss of my husband is like peeling back the layers on an onion. Once I grieve one layer there is another layer of loss to go through. I never thought too much about the pre alz versus post alz husband. I wanted it to be over for him and me because I was not sure if I could take much more. My husband passed when he was supposed to. But then once they pass, it is still a huge shock and the pain is so deep and searing as you say. I do miss my husband but in a way I lost him a long time ago. what I miss is the idea of having a spouse and being part of a couple. In my church there are so many widows and now I am one. It feels weird. It is coming up 2 months and I find myself just going through the motions. I feel like I am looking through dirty windows all the time. I think it is very difficult to even begin to comprehend the emotional impact this disease has on spouses. No one understands except the people here. God bless. I hope you are resting, breathing, and taking it a day at a time.
Yes, Joan, as I sat next to Larry those last few days, it was definitely him--the real him, not the Alzheimers him--who was dying. I can't even verbalize the feelings...of course I wanted him to be comfortable and at peace, not to be alone through the final days and hours, to be free of the Alzheimers nightmare...but of course that meant he had to die. All I could do was get the priest for Last Rites, keep him relaxed and comfortable with a little morphine, clean and looking nice thanks to the Hospice aide and my s-i-l ...and just be there with my prayers and presence, so he would not be alone on his journey. As C02 said, it's difficult to even begin to comprehend the emotions...I just had no idea how cataclysmic his death would be to me. No one understands except the people here. One day at a time... We will get through this somehow. At the ten-month point (tomorrow, July 2) I still think of him constantly, and try to take it easy on myself...a lot of quiet reflection...just sitting and thinking...again C02 said it perfectly..".rest, breathe, one day at a time." But the clouds are lifting, and I am more and more "me" instead of being a broken and torn-up half of "us". I think of "us" with a smile a lot of times, instead of with misery. Thank God I had him for the years I did, and I think I'm going to be able to have some goodness and happiness in my future as "me."
Joan You expressed my experience perfectly. I 've been wondering if I am unusual in that my pre AD husband is the one I keep seeing in my mind's eye and missing so terribly. Although he was placed for nine months, that time feels like a blur now. Funny , how it felt like it would never end when trying to live through those horrendous months. Now, I can hardly pull up a vision of him then. Maybe that is a blessing.
Yes, though busy all day today Bob was on my my mind every minute. At times, I think it can't be real that I will never see him again. I long for that hand to hold. I long for his arm around me. I look at couples our age Walking together With envy and great sadness. I feel like the lone animal on Noah's ark...I feel like I don't belong in our friends' couples world.
I haven't taken time to rest in the weeks since my husband died. I just worked at a fever pitch to do paperwork, catch up with everything that was on hold and now have family including grandchildren with me at our beach house. I don't know what will happen when they leave and I try to stay here alone for a few days. I do need to rest.
Seven months for me now and like others there are days i feel peace and finding a world of adjusting is falling into place. Then with a slight rememberance or something of personal nature i feel i am still in limbo drowning in saddness and loss. Surreal is a good choice of words as i yoyo between the before after and future all at the same times. It may never become truly realistic the death of a partner lover friend and know they are indeed forever gone from our touch. I took photos of the gravesite and feel compelled to look at them often to remind me. Joan i am not sure it ever allows one to completely move forward out of the past.but for our own relief we must. One cannot live and thrive in a grieving state forever. Time is the only thing i know that helps make things liveable again on our own. Hugs to everyone here - as caregivers or as one who has lost their spouse. Divvi*