My husband, in his late 50s, was diagnosed a few months ago with Mild Cognitive Impairment. He is no longer working and is on disability. He has never really had any hobbies so it’s hard to try to come up with ideas for him to stay busy. Anything I suggest, he says he doesn’t want to do. He’s getting bored and depressed lately, even crying periodically. I feel torn having to be away from home 11 hours a day working but I need to pay the household bills and college expenses for our upcoming freshman.
I doubt he would consider day care at this early stage and I need to figure out something for him to do so that aren't both upset all the time.
What does your spouse do during the day “home alone”?
Is he on an anti-depressant? Sounds like it might be time. Does he like to read? Does he have the comprehension skills to read? Is there a senior center in your area? If he still drives, it would be good for him to be out & about with people. They have lunches & activities, and it is not like day care.
Faithful, my husband enjoyed building model sailing ships (Hobby Lobby). Others might prefer other models (planes,cars, etc.) to assemble. Some enjoy playing Hearts, Spades, Spider Solitaire or other card games or puzzles on the computer. Some enjoy watching movies on TV (Netflix for DVDs). There are some who have friends who will come over and play checkers or just visit. Some like to putter in the yard. If you have both been active at Church, sometimes the Church members will come by and take him to the activities at the Church that happen while you are at work. These are just some ideas...take one and try it, then use it or discard it...then another....etc. I'm sure that the others will chime in with other ideas!
When my husband first started to stay at home, I told him that I couldn't work all day, come home and clean and prepare dinner and still give him the companionship we wanted me to, so I would appreciate it if he would pretend the house was his business and his responsibility and keep it up for us....dusting, vacuuming, making the beds, the laundry and doing the dishes after dinner. He learned to do them and did them for several years. Slowly he has lost these abilities, but he took pride in it while he could do it. Now he can only make the bed and take out the trash, which is very sad.
Welcome to my website. There is plenty of support and information here for you. And we are all spouses, so we understand each other's issues very well. I hope you will take time to read the resources and blogs on the home page of the website - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - there is much you will be able to relate to.
As to your question, I ask it all of the time. My husband was a "workaholic" and never developed any outside interests besides work. We are struggling with the "what to do to keep busy" question. I am all for volunteer activites - he's so depressed and miserable about having to give up driving, that he says "no" to every suggestion.
Libraries, animal shelters, senior centers, food banks, political campaigns - all can use volunteers. My husband is too angry and sullen to consider any of those right now. He wants his car so he can go to lunch with a friend. It's that or nothing as far as he's concerned.
Go to the top of this page - click on "search" and type in "Not Ready for Daycare, but can't work - What to do all day?" That was the title of one of these discussions from last December. The posts there may give you some ideas.
No fair, Joan and Mary snuck in while I was writing... here it is, anyway. :-)
I think, given his age and low level of impairment, that he needs things to do that make him feel useful, not busywork or hobbies. He might be less depressed if he felt he's helping pull his own weight.
Gardening is good, if he likes that kind of thing -- planting and weeding, nothing with "dangerous" equipment until you're home. (My husband is stage 5/6 but can still, from time to time, mow the lawn, but I do keep an eagle eye on him when he does.)
Can you leave a list of chores for him to do each day? Dusting, vacuuming, washing the dishes, laundry, cleaning the tub/shower, making the beds? My husband still does all his own laundry (not as well as he used to, but what the hey), and he's responsible for the dishes. He used to clean the bathrooms regularly, doesn't remember they need it now but if I point him in the right direction, he's right in there pitching.
Some people use white boards, some a list on the refrigerator, some a notebook. Keep it simple, probably in a format where he can cross off chores as he finishes them, to keep him oriented.
Also, there may be things he can do as a volunteer. Nothing that would require a lot of responsibility, but we've talked about AD spouses maybe volunteering at a pet shelter, spending time with the animals, walking them, just giving them the attention they need. You may be able to arrange transportation through one of the services for older people who no longer drive, if your husband shouldn't drive or gets lost easily.
Does he have buddies you could ask to take him to lunch from time to time, maybe to a movie on the weekend, or fishing, or to a ball game?
Establish an exercise regimen for him ... maybe walking in a nearby park.
I hope you'll excuse me for making another, unsolicited suggestion. I would seriously reconsider paying the college expenses for your child. With your husband's disability, s/he can probably find low-interest student loans and scholarships, and could work part-time if s/he doesn't take a full load of classes. There are many lessons to be learned at that stage in life, and living in the real world is one of them. A "child" old enough to go to college is -- or should be -- old enough to shoulder responsibilities.
You're going to wear yourself right into the ground. If your husband gets worse, you'll have more and more to do to care for him. You won't be able to work OR care for him if you make yourself sick.
Gosh, all that sounds good.......The only thing on the list my husband will or can do is gardening and he is almost to the end of that. Oh, occasionally he will mow a little. Like Joan's husband, mine was a workahollic and the only hobby he is interested in is gardening and he is just about beyond that now. He sits in his recliner and sleeps most of the time. Very agreeable and docile, I can put anything on the TV, he doesn't watch it anyway'
He will ride in the car with me and most mornings I take him to Mc for breakfast then go to town to garage sales or errands I need to do while he waits in the car. I have to watch and keep a friendly bathroom in mind because if we are out more than 2 1/2 hours he needs to go, Which means I need to go with him if possible, when not, I anxiously wait outside the door for him at least 15 min. I think this is going to be the only "interest" he is ever going to have from now on. I wouldn't dare leave him home alone anymore. Have no idea what he would do. He wants me around all the time. lmohr
Thanks to you all for your ideas. DH is not on any antidepressants yet, but I was plannit to ask the Dr. about them next week. I have tried some of these ideas already but without success. Maybe some of these will work soon.
We are at a totally different stage. It is extremely hard to think of things my DH can do these days. I am so thankful he sleeps as much as he does, well during the day anyway! This time I didn't even show him the magazines in the mail since he doesn't seem to be able to focus on them now. I've seen those little projects like spreading peanut butter on pine cones for the birds and just hate to think we might be at that place...I guess I am just glad he still seems to remember how to floss his teeth!
Welcome Faithful, my DH has lost all intrest in things too and cannot follow a list. He mostly sits and wrings his hands, even with meds. We also notice that he has lost understanding some of the things we say and we use a lot of gesture when he doesn't grasp the word, that usually works. But at your DH stage it could be depression.
Have you checked the senior citizens centers. Some have pool tables and my DH use to like to do that a couple of times a week, but now he seems to be disinterested.
My DH is also at that stage where he sleeps mostly, Right now he can't hear, this is all of a sudden and I'm sure it is wax, but the TV is so loud, I can't think. Anyway, at least he's sitting and watching it. If I go to answer the phone (which he didn't hear ring) he comes looking for me. the other thing is that he wrote his memoirs. Now he reads them because he doesn't remember any of those things. Sometimes he thinks I wrote them and wants to know how I knew that stuff. Sometimes he thinks it's all lies, but he does read them. I keep telling him to proofread and we'll have it published. (grin)
Chris, did he handwrite his memoirs? My friend Helga wrote hers on a typewriter, I scanned it in, used it to make a memoir which actually was interesting enough that it's sold several hundred copies, self-published; it's paid for itself and made some money. She did have a very interesting life, and a ready-made audience on the Maine island we go to, but the important thing for her NOW is that she has a copy of the book (I think she's on #3) in her nursing home and she loves it, reads it every day and says, I can't believe I did all these things!! [http://www.briegull.com/Helga.htm if you're interested in it]
It's much easier to make a "photo book" on a site like Shutterfly, and produce one or two - you can do a long one, complete with photos, for around $30.
Welcome to our family Faitful, I used to ask my DH to fold clothes for me. I didn't care if I had to fold them again. It gave him something to do. He also liked to separate coins. After a while he wasn't able to separate the correct coins, but it didn't matter to me. It kept him busy. Now he only sleeps and paces the house. He really can't do any of these things anymore. He watches TV but most of the time he doesn't know what is going on.
chris ruggieri - Are you trying to get the wax out of your DH's ear? We have that to deal with now - someone suggested the seroquil (or was it lorazepam?) made tenitis (ringing in the ears) worse. I am so grateful Hank isn't that interested in TV these days since it now has to be so loud - doesn't that drive you mad? Whatever, if we have one more day of doctor appointments next Tuesday where I hope someone gives us a clue as to our future. If the guess is that Hank has nothing terminal soon I will take him to get his ear checked out. So far, the OTC drops don't seem to be doing a thing. Hank can do so little now that I'm glad he wants to put on his clothes and take them off. It takes a lot of time to button his favorite shirt, get on the belt to try to hold his pants up. Next, he wants to use the toilet and sometimes he takes everything off. I just let him do it - what else can occupy his time? Sometimes he shaves more than once a day. A good day is when we can take the dog on a little walk! All of this feels incredibly sad today...
frand, when I took my husband in for his first visit to his new geriatrician, he was complaining about his ears feeling stuffed up. They were indeed full of wax. The clinic has a little machine that rinses the ears and suctions out the wax. This wasn't an ear/nose/throat place, just a regular clinic (although the doctor IS part of a SOCARE group.) They told me they have to do this a LOT with their patients, and we can just walk in the next time he needs to have it done.
So when you take Hank in next Tuesday, ask them if they can remove the wax.
I have taken my DH to the place where we bought his last hearing aides for ear canal cleaning. they have one of those cameras that fits in and they can see the buildup and remove it easily. DH did very well and no liquids in his ear. i bet any place that sells hearing aides could do it to if you had one nearby. she didnt even charge since we were past customers but i left her 20dol tip.:) so i can go again! divvi it really helped him out cleaning it,i may have to go soon too.
Faithful, I found something that my DH enjoys and that is going to the local elementary school to listen to children read to him. I teach and had him come to my school awhile back, but it's not practical for him to be there all day long so we tried the school just around the corner. He walks over and the office sends him to a classroom where a teacher has children who need help with fluency. It usually takes up a couple of hours twice a week during the school year. He is currently and steadily moving into the moderate stage, but does enjoy contributing. The kids love it too because kids almost always enjoy anyone who will give them some personal one-on-one time. Maybe this will help?
We have green beans in our garden and I have been giving my husband a little pan of beans and tell him I need him to help me string them. This is the first job he has done around the house. lmohr
Yes, summer's great for supper chores: string beans, chop zucchini, tear up lettuce or spinach, shell peas, etc. And they're so proud when they finish!