Thanks Fiona68.

The next challenge is to tell our daughter. Our son is on board with the decision "you do what you have to do". Our daughter is going to find the decision very hard to take. The family is having a luncheon together today, and I am hoping that my DH will speak up when we get around to "the talk". I think our daughter might take it a bit better if she knows that her daddy actually wants this to happen.

I tried to broach the subject at lunch, but it just wasn't going to fit in, and everyone was having a good time, and son and daughter were joking as usual. I was almost tempted to wait until after my DH was placed to give the kids the news.

But after lunch, when I was walking our daughter back to the car, I hugged her and told her I had something to tell her, and she knew. We were both calm, and although there were a few tears on her part, it went well. No emotional outbursts. When we parted, I told her that if she wanted/needed to chat about it, she could give me a call. I almost got the feeling that her brother had paved the way for the discussion for me, and its possible he did.

Anyway, that step is over. Thank you for your prayers.

Tomorrow morning I take my DH over to the dementia specific home. He is going in as a respite resident to begin with - the paperwork is completed but the committee hasn't met to finalize his stay. I spoke with the social worker on Friday - there is very little chance that the application will be turned down. In her words, my DH is the "perfect candidate" but I felt guilt when I even thought that he might be returned home, because I don't know how I would handle the situation - I can't do this anymore, and if he were turned down I would be forced to look for some other solution - another secure home, or full time home care - I don't know.

Friday we went to get our hair cut. On the way home, my DH opened the car door while the car was moving in traffic - he said he thought it was open and he was trying to close it! And he has really been "out of it" since then. I put this down to being insecure about what the move means for him.

It is clearly time that he was placed, for both our sakes, and I haven't spoken to anyone who thinks I should try to keep him home longer. I have dealt with my daughter's guilt, and I thought that I had dealt with my own.

But I am feeling like such a traitor today. I am really surprised at these feelings. We have not had the greatest of marriages, and I thought I would feel relieved that the burden of caring for him at home is almost over but instead, I feel like I am letting him down in some undefined way.

The poor buggers. I came to understand a bit by taking in that the evidence of their experience is displayed by their mistakes.

What is so hard to take in is that they aren't inside there right as rain having problems operating the machinery. That's Parkinsons. The fragmentation and increasing lack of sense in their actions is an insight into the fragmentation of the rich personality that once made up them.

It has to be a nightmare experience for them where their own identificiation increasingly and randomly makes less sense while the information about the outside world also randomly and increasingly makes less sense - by the process of random plaque damage. Eventually there's looking through a kaleidoscope without anywhere near enough connected and working pieces to say there's a point of view or a consideration of it.

I know what you're going through BQD or as close as people get. That's why I've taken the tone I have which is that in my world placement was it's own battlefield inside me. From all the comments I've read that experience usually comes with this territory.

Ultimately I came to have empathy for the reality of both of our roads. Her's was to increasingly disappear as Dianne the personality and remain as Dianne the person. Mine was to try and move with the realities suffering enough in my personality for the both of us. That reality includes that I felt every sling and arrow along this road while increasingly she was in a state of comfort surrounded by 24 hour help I could increasingly not hope to provide. Pity must be shared, the very word of which increasingly only has a meaning for you.

Just as the evidence of their mistakes portrays evidence of their fragmentation, the physical evidence of what is happening is before you which is (I'm very sorry) the increasing seperation of your lives.

In my posts are numerous references to me killing guilt. That battlefield was right here. At first the knowledge of confidence in myself was a source of guilt - where guilt now shows up in numerous guises. Guilt is a battlefield - not the war. Ted isn't the war and neither are you. You're all (in this metaphor) - battlefields. Alzheimer's is the war. Much of that is still ahead of you and everything you do that gives you something to work with isn't just pity shared - you are going to use it.

I won't end on that note. In a year a material part of these worries and doubts will diminish where Ted continues to look to you to manage both of your lives as best you can.

It sounds to me as if you've done a top-notch job of assessing the situation and taking the proper steps to make sure your husband is safe and well-cared-for with an appropriate plan. Not only is there no need for guilt…you should give yourself a big pat on the back. As others have stated, placement means you are still very much taking care of him…just in a different way. You'll still have 1000 things to do. I'm thinking about you and crossing my fingers and saying a prayer that all goes well.

bdq, The social worker should be fine. I was not thinking so much of someone to comfort you but of someone who could deal with your husband or attend to the practical details of his admission in the event you become overwhelmed. The person who went with me was a geriatric care manager. In many cases, a professional is better. My only other option was my sister but she would have been just awful, since she knows nothing about this stuff.

I agree with Coco* about dementia causing a person to open the car door while he is a passenger in a moving car . . . My father, who had AD, did that while I was driving at 65 mph on the interstate. It took about 10 years off my life.

bqd, I agree with what others have said. There is one point I'd like to add: when you stated that he opened the door and you think he's feeling insecure about the impending placement, I remembered that I used to try to understand why he did some of the things he did. It took a long time and a huge amount of energy before I accepted that there was no logical cause and effect of what he was doing (if I'm saying this right). When I saw him doing random things (and yes, my husband too opened the car door when I was driving - as well as moved the gear shift into neutral from drive) I came to realize that many times there was no logical reason for his actions, as his reasoning button was broken. It was just the disease.
My thoughts are with you now and will be with you and your family tomorrow. I'm glad the social worker will be there with you. She will be a huge support.

All went well this morning. I managed to stay calm, at least in front of my DH (a few tears were lurking behind my eyelids when I was speaking with the manager.

Everyone I met there seems very compassionate. Ted's room has a lovely large window overlooking a field and a wooded area, and the layout is the same as his bedroom here. I am sure he will adapt quickly. By the time I left he was all unpacked and ready to start exploring. The maximum number of residents is 9, and there are two living rooms, three bathrooms, and an eat in kitchen/diner. A gazebo outside for sitting in when the weather is fine. And the building and the grounds are fully secure. And it was all very homey.

I imagine its similar to the group home that Coco had Dado in for many years.

And even the manager thinks I waited longer than I should have to place him, and I had never met her before today!

I am going to go visit Ted on Sunday after church. By then it is likely that the paperwork will be complete to make his stay permanent, so I can take in his favorite chair, some pictures for the walls, and his CD player and CD's.

Once again I want to thank everyone for their support, advice and encouragement.

You may have a few rough days but know it will pass. It was time and you have done the right thing for you and your hubby. You can now sleep and look after yourself knowing he will be well taken care of.

Hoping it goes easy for you. I was shocked how quickly my DH adjusted to each new situation (and we have had 3 LCF and 4 hospitial, (3 for medication adjustments and one for a medical emergency). The focus of his world had shrunk - he actually did better in a smaller space with less stuff, and over time I removed some of his stuff I'd brough to make him feel comfortable and at home because it too became too much and added confusion. He adjusted in a matter of days in the second two facilities, once he had a routine. I was there a lot a first to assure (probably myself) of the transition. I hope its a good place (if it is you will be able to get some relief and not have to be policing care, which really made life for me difficult at a facility that looked good but was incompetent). Now that he is somewhere where the care is dependable and top notch, I think I had some difficulty giving up/turning over that caretaker role, but he is more stable and often happy now. Considering our very rough road, this is a blessing. I visit twice or three times a week and his best friend visits once a week. They allowed him to have a shelf of personal possessions, and picture books, some photo albums and cd player. And photos on the wall about his life. In the earlier part, having been an artist and musician, they allowed some art supplies and instruments. I hope your transition goes as easily. Sometimes our anxiety transfers to them, so its good if we can act with reassurance and confidence.
A counselor I knew once said "guilt is a useless emotion", serves no purpose. But this journey surely has had loads of guilt and second guessing for me to discard. I hope his transition and adjustment and yours go with ease.

bqd, I'm glad that your husband is so close to your house and to the center of your activities. That will make your life a lot easier and make it less of a big deal to get over there. My husband is only 20 minutes away, so I can be more spontaneous than others are able to be. In fact, I just realized as I was posting a comment on another thread that I really miss him today. So I'm going to play hooky from work and pay him a visit this afternoon, instead of waiting until after supper.