I took the vow for better or worse 50 years ago and have been diligent in taking care of my husband. He was diagnosed 26 years ago with Frontal temporal Lobe Dementia. I know there are some of you out there that know exactly what this experience is like. Recently, I have been wondering...can I divorce a man who is in a nursing home receiving total care who is not able to make decisions on his own. He is a strong robust man despite his illness and have been told he will probably live a long time. I could go into all the reasons, but that doesn't matter here..I know this is a nonjudgmental site. His care and happiness have been my total life for over 30 years. There are a number of reasons that would make my life simpler if I was divorced. Money being one of them. I am NOT interested in developing another relationship, but admire those that do. We live in Florida. I plan to talk to our attorney, but wondered if you have any thoughts.
As for the divorce, only a lawyer could tell you if you can and what is involved. I am sure there is a way. Depending on state laws half your estate may have to go to his care. Who would then be appointed his guardian or would you still retain DPOA?
Hi Pavane, If Florida allows for no-fault divorce, then I don't see why you can't divorce your husband. Since your husband cannot make decisions on his own, the court would probably appoint someone to protect his interests in the divorce case. I think Charlotte is right that as part of the divorce decree, the State would require you to set aside money for his care to the extent you are able. Most states do not want the taxpayers to be left paying for someone's care if the other spouse can afford to do that.
The only way to find out what exactly you would be facing is to talk to your lawyer. Good luck in figuring all this out. It sounds like you have had a long haul.
Hi Pavane, yes you will need to consult a good family lawyer and most likely s/he will have to consult with an elderlaw attorney about any possible Medicaid implications as well.
I looked into this possibility when my husband was first diagnosed with dementia. I was advised at that time that the court would appoint a lawyer to represent my husband's interests and because we live in a community property state that likely our assets would be combined and then split 50/50. and then the court would appoint a guardian (I was advised that the court would NOT appoint me) to oversee my husband's care.
I wanted to divorce him because I wanted to preserve some of our financial assets for my future because I have a debilitating physical illness as well as protect some money from the exhorbitant cost of his care. The elder law attorney also advised me that if I continued to oversee his care after the divorce and it became necessary for my husband to go on Medicaid, the government would consider the divorce to be Medicaid fraud and seek reimbursement from MY assets.
So as Charlotte and Myrtle have advised, you really need to see a good attorney who understands your state laws on divorce and Medicaid should your husband ever qualify.
Talk with an eldercare attorney. They deal with this often enough. In some states the answer might be no, but a friend of mine was told by her eldercare attorney she could once the LTC insurance ran out to avoid financial ruin (she has too children at home). It never came to that, he was in an ALF and should would have kept supporting him in the same way if it came to that. 26 years with FTD sounds like a record breaker.
the others have given excellent advice. I also agree that once you are divorced you will more likely not be allowed participation in his care. get the best elder law atty in your area. expect to have your property divisions done with extra care for the disabled spouse.
Im not sure what to do. Hubby went from sweet to sour lately. Mean than sorry and apologetic. Breaks my heart now wondering if I should not even mention divorce on paper only to him. We went to lawyer a couple months ago to update the will. I should have thought of that then. I feel overwhelmed .... move, sell his car, sell his equipment. I am doing nothing but spinning my wheel. We wont be covered by long term care ins. I am in a funk. Maybe after the 4th of July.
I brought the other thread on this subject to the top so you could see what others said about this. I agree with everyone else -- talk to a lawyer who specializes in elder law. The lawyer who updated your Will may be an elder law specialist. Ask.
As far as whether to tell your husband about this idea, I guess it depends on whether he would understand your reasoning or if he would think you were rejecting him. If it were me, before I risked upsetting my husband by talking about divorce, I would find out whether a divorce would actually protect any assets.
The other reason to talk to an elder law attorney is to find out what other ways there are to protect your assets. People on this site have shared a lot of information about how they have managed without resorting to Medicaid as well as how they have managed with Medicaid. But every situation is different. A lot depends on the monetary value of the assets you are trying to protect and what form the assets are in. If you have this information available when you go in to consult with the lawyer, you should be able to leave the meeting with a plan of action.
I am not sure but here in Ohio I was told that divorce can be held against you with regards to Medicaid because of trying to use it to protect the assets so seeing a lawyer is the way to go regarding this. I also learned that if anyone is thinking about remarriage after the passing of a spouse to get a pre nup as it will protect your assets should the new husband have to go on Medicaid. They will only use his money and not combine the two.
If you want a prenup to keep assets separate for Medicaid purposes I suggest seeing an eldercare attorney who knows Medicaid law. This could vary by state and you could do the prenup and the law could be changed, making the prenup pointless. I don't know if Medicaid normally cares about prenups or just sees all assets as family assets.