I don't know how I can go on this way. He is angry at me nearly all the time, accuses me of not telling him things (which I course I did--multiple times), accused me of being a "paranoid crazy" person because I think it's not wise to shovel snow in a bathrobe in -50 windchills or clean out the garage two days after cataract surgery when he's not supposed to lift more than 10 lbs. I thought I was handling it reasonably well until I heard him on the phone tonight telling his son what a horrible person I am and that he may have to divorce me because I am irrational, unlike him and his son who are rational.
I know it's the disease, but we didn't have a great marriage before dementia. Much of his attitude toward me now seems to be just an exaggerated version of what he has felt all along. I don't want to abandon him,but I also don't want to lose my own life trying to save his. I am so tired and drained right now that I don't know what else to say. I know that the extra stress of trying to sell our house and move to the continuing care place is making everything more difficult right now. I'm still hoping that the move will be good for us, but I'm having my doubts.
Hang in there, Orchid. I know they've thrown you the rope on another discussion …just grab the knot and hang on. I'm wondering if his son understands the issues and can be of any support to you. Surely he doesn't believe his father? (I hope.) Can you get some rest tonight? If nothing else, you'll feel better after a night's sleep…not that it will improve the issues you are facing, but we can only take these things one day at a time. Keep us updated. You are not alone.
Orchid - there are many of us here that did not have great marriages which makes this harder emotionally. My husband is not nasty (yet) but it is so hard to have him sit there, expecting me to take care of him when in all our marriage he never took care of me when I was sick.
You also said: "I don't want to abandon him,but I also don't want to lose my own life trying to save his. "
You can't save his life. He has a terminal illness. But we can save our life and that is what we need to fight to find a way to do it yet take care of their needs until the end.
Thank you, elizabeth and Charlotte, for your support.
Elizabeth, all three of my stepsons think I'm doing at least a reasonably good job of taking care of their dad, but my husband sounds so "normal" sometimes that he can be pretty convincing. My despair last night was really from hearing what DH thought about me. I know I have to just let his comments roll off my back. I also need to find a way to spend more time with other people, people who actually enjoy my company and don't think every word out of my mouth is an attempt to confuse them.
Charlotte, I'm finding that many of the hurts from earlier in our marriage which I thought I had laid to rest are resurfacing now. I'm trying to just accept the past as the past and move on, but it is very hard. And you're right of course--I can't save his life. I guess what I meant was save him from things like freezing to death in our harsh winters, but I can't guarantee his safety no matter what I do. I need to find ways to sustain myself through this journey. This board is definitely one of those ways!
My email is in my profile if you ever want to chat. I am also on facebook.
My husband had an affair back in the 80s. I choose to stay with him, despite him never telling me he was sorry, for the kids - common reason but not the right one. Over the last 7 years I do go to thoughts like: he got what he deserves for what he did; if I had left him I would not be going through this; and other thoughts. Then I have to tell myself 'what if' or 'if only' does not help. When I had surgery last year for cancer (surgery took care of it), he had no reaction like 'so what'! That hurt but then that is how he always has been ever since I could never get pregnant. Our kids are adopted which I later found out he did not want to do but did it to make me happy and his parents who wanted a grandson to carry on the name. He was an 'absentee' dad until they got old enough to play soccer, then he coached their teams.
Orchid, I think the middle stages are much worse than the late stage. (Not that that is any consolation.) My husband was always telling me that I was stupid, he was going to divorce me, and he was going to move out and leave me here. He also got violent and would grab me around the neck and shake as hard as he could. I lived for months with the car keys and cell phone in my pocket. Sometimes I'd leave and come home after my daughter got home from work. The one time I called the police they sent him to the hospital. That's when he first saw a nurologist and got the official diagnosis. In the last 10 months he was on hospice, was in a hospital bed and was nearly non verbal. It was a blessing to not have to listen to his abuse. That stage was much easier to bear than the abusive stage.
There are some sad stories about marriages that did not measure up - I've had some disappointments & hurts myself. And those thoughts do keep creeping in, even though I thought I had put it all behind me. It's a daily struggle (especially if I'm in a cranky mood, or have not slept well) to rise above. I have felt for many years that he held his mother & sisters in higher regard than he did me, probably because I would buck him & they would never say something to cause a confrontation (his late mother was a saint you know!!) But still, he's the one I chose to marry, for better or for worse, in sickness & in health & all that jazz! Couldn't afford to leave anyway! :) Not trying to make light of anyone's situation, maybe just feeling a little more rested & composed today...my questionable humor pops up now & then!
Thank you all for sharing your experiences with me. It helps to know that I'm not alone. My husband has always been a rather harsh critic of other people's actions, especially mine. It often felt like my very being was under attack just because I am different from him in many ways. I know a lot of the things he says and does are due to his own frustrations, but boy it is hard to take sometimes.
Orchid, caring for a spouse without a stellar marriage. well even those of us who have proclaimed a good marriage had very rough patches. on top of all the negative input from a diseased spouse and abusiveness we have to deal with all the other elements of being a single caregiver, both mentally and physically. it can be exhausting tp be certain. learning to shut out the hurtful comments is easier said than done as we know but once you forge thru and build your exterior emotional wall, it will become more tolerant. I have brought up 'those loving feelings' topic for some more input from others.