I invite you to log onto the home page and read the third installment of my series, Evolution of an Alzheimer Spouse. This part deals with my attempts, after placing Sid in a nursing home, to make a single life for myself. It is relevant, not only to those of you who have placed your spouses, but to those of you who are widows/widowers. It also may be of interest to those of you who wish to learn about what is ahead in your journey.
After you read about my attempts at a single life, tell us if yours have been as rocky as mine. Thank you.
Dear Joan, This is a really interesting piece. I think your experience may be unusual in one way. If I remember correctly, shortly before you realized Sid had problems, you moved to Florida, so you left your friends behind. Starting out in an area where you have few, if any, friends is hard enough for any older adult but when that move is made about the same time you learn that your spouse has Alzheimer's, it's probably almost impossible.
Although my husband had been in LTC for almost a year, I still have the friends I had before he went in and now I have more time to socialize with them. This brutal winter has made me think about moving South after he dies. But almost all my friends and family are here in New England. And not only friends, but many acquaintances (neighbors, business acquaintances, former co-workers, etc.) who I might call or run into occasionally or even meet for lunch once in a blue moon. If I moved to Southern state, who would I hang around with? I'm not much of a joiner and I don't think I'd like the artificiality of planned group activities. This is really something for me to think hard about. Maybe I should just stay here and freeze.
This was a fascinating blog entry, and I'll probably end up posting more than once as I ponder it. My first thoughts are pretty similar to Myrtle's. I, too, moved to a different state in order to be able to keep Larry home with family helping with care. This was great for Larry, and I don't regret doing it. After he died though, I realized the family still expected me to be a caregiver--for them--and that I had absolutely no friends or activities to go to outside the home in this new state. Fortunately, the NY friends came out of the woodwork and when I would drive back to my NY rented room in a friend's house, the sense of warmth and welcome, and of lots of interesting things to do was just so pleasant and comforting. So I am able to get back every six weeks or so, and will move back at the end of the school year 2016. It's absolutely true that if you are new in town with an Alzheimers spouse, you are not going to make new friends. And once you are widowed in a new place, you aren't going to make any friends. There will be a lot of foggy days where getting in the shower or putting on an outfit just seems like too much effort, and you think about your spouse constantly while pacing up and down wringing your hands or drinking endless cups of tea or staying online for hours on end…until you go goggly-eyed from screen eyestrain. I, too, tried a socially-oriented (not dating-oriented) singles group, and found them extremely nice--but I was the problem--I have perfectly good social skills, and am not afraid to do things alone--but I just hated being in that meeting, and have not gone back nor gone to any of their activities. I will…it is one of my personal goals…but I still feel too "married" to go to a singles group, no matter how pleasant and non-threatening they are. What is working for me, little by little, with some setbacks, is getting plenty of sleep in the comfortable, cosy, warm bed that I fixed up for myself after Larry died.(Down comforter, flannel sheets, poofy down pillows--warm as toast.) I still talk to him sometimes before I go to sleep, reach over and pat the side of the bed he slept on…but I make sure I'm physically tired from long walks in the park, that I've watched something soothing on Netflix for a couple hours, that I have a soothing book to read in bed for awhile, and that I've had my chamomile tea…and most nights…not every night…I get a good, deep night's sleep. Then during the day I'm finding more and more that if I can get in some enjoyable music practice, work on my French (Pimsleur CDs and babbel.com online) and work on my book reviews…lots of exercise both walking and bodyweight exercises--before I have to start with the cooking and babysitting responsibilities…that after supper I am much more relaxed…feel that I've had a satisfying and authentic day…and can settle down to a relaxing evening and night…yes, by myself. This whole thing is a process and a journey, and I don't think it can be forced. We have to go through the bad stuff, I think, to be able to get to the good stuff. It is interesting how I'm learning to be "me" and not "grandma" and not "us." I can see it happening..I'm not sure I feel better exactly…but I feel different…in a good way sometimes. When I see the new spring shoots of flowers starting to poke up through the soil…that is sort of the way I feel.
Dear Joan, Thank you for your great blog. I placed my husband almost the same time that you placed Sid. My husband is now in the hospital trying to get his meds situated before moving him to a place which can tolerate his behaviors. I think my situation was in some ways different than yours and in some ways similar. In my marriage we each sort of had our own life--I had my friends and activities and the same for him. So going places by myself after he was placed was probably not as difficult as what you went through. At first I thought I have to make some new friends. I joined a local senior center and took a bus trip by myself to see a play. I enjoyed the play but it only reinforced the fact of how lonely and alone these people were on the bus with me and I was now one of them. I never went again. I am currently in 2 knitting groups. One group I have not visited since before Christmas and the other is 2x a month. I attend when I can but often time something will come up and I cannot make it. But I do enjoy the conversation because we have something in common. I belong to a prayer shawl group at my church and that meets monthly. I usually go to that. I enjoy being at home. I live in a small condo and putter in the flowers when the weather is nice. I also work from home which I think makes a big difference as it makes me feel productive and I like getting a paycheck (even tho it is small). I exercise and go to the Y several times a week for Silver Sneakers classes or swimming. If I do not go to the Y I usually walk at least 30 minutes a day. I believe that daily exercise has helped me so much in maintaining my sanity during this journey. If I do not exercise, I do not feel as good and have less energy. All my children live locally and have lots of grandchildren. I do see them but want very much to have my own life and not live through my kids or grandchildren. I also belong to one support group which meets monthly and I go when I can. It does help and I enjoy the conversation.
I now realize that I do not think so much about "making new friend". I think with this journey what I have had to do is make friends with myself first and be comfortable there and have stopped trying to fill that void with new friends before I have learned to just love myself and be happy with myself and the solitude. I think there is a big difference between solitude and loneliness. Both can be described as being alone but one is positive and one is negative. I applaud you for your efforts to "get out there." Honestly I am finding that something has to really interest me before I will expend the energy to get dressed and go to something. I love to knit at night with a cup of tea. I visit hubby about 2x a week but it may increase now as I see his decline increasing.
I also think a lot of it has to do with one's personality. I am more introverted and you are probably more extroverted. Large groups of people have always been a turn off for me and have always hated cocktail type parties where one has to make idle conversation. Just as Alz is a journey so to is the journey after placement and death. Yes making new friends when one is a senior is difficult, but I do not think It can prevent one from forging a new single life. We will just keep plugging together. What else can we do??? Thanks again
Like Joan, we moved to a new area just before I realized Ron had problems. The first sign was that he could not learn his way around the new area. In fact, we moved 3 times after he retired in 1993. We moved from NJ to CT in 1994, then back to NJ in 2001 but to a different part of the state. We moved here in 2007. So I have been nowhere long enough to make any close friends. One exception is a lady I met in CT. We stay in touch but she is now in FL. I did see her in late February but once in 12 years doesn't do it.
No one in this neighborhood socializes. One neighbor was friendly but I seldom see her since her husband died and Ron got so bad the last couple years. I do go to a knitting group once a week but they all know each other and I feel like a fifth wheel. A couple times a month I go to a Senior Circle group at the local hospital. They sponser a free lunch in the cafeteria and then a talk given by a Dr or someone like home care providers or someone who talks about Medicaid. There are a few people that I sit with but never see any of them outside of the group.
That's why I loved going to FL in February and going on the cruise with my sister. I stayed with old friends that Ron and I met in the housing development where we had our first house. There was someone to sightsee with or just take a walk with. It was also great to meet Joang, bluedaze* and PrisR*.
At home here I don't even try to find a friend to just go out to lunch with or to sit and have a cup of tea with.
Here is what Wikipedia says about friendship formation and older people. (I took out the footnotes that refer to the studies.)
Three significant factors make the formation of a friendship possible: - proximity, which means being near enough to see each other or do things together; - repeatedly encountering the person informally and without making special plans to see each other; and - opportunities to share ideas and personal feelings with each other.
Although older adults prefer familiar and established relationships over new ones, friendship formation can continue in old age. With age, elders report that the friends to whom they feel closest are fewer in number and live in the same community. They tend to choose friends whose age, sex, race, ethnicity, and values are like their own. Compared with younger people, fewer older people report other-sex friendships. Older women, in particular, have more secondary friends - people who are not intimates, but with whom they spend time occasionally, such as in groups that meet for lunch or bridge.
My cousin lives in The Villages in Florida. It is a retirement city built around golf courses. There are hundreds of different types of clubs and activities for every interest in the world. His wife says that, in general, she has "Playmates", not intimate friends. She has a group she plays golf with. She has a group she plays cards with. She has a group she takes dance lessons with. She has a group she takes a painting class with. She and her husband go to wine tasting parties with the wine tasting group. Out of all of these "Play groups", she has made a couple of friends with whom she can call on the phone and get together informally.
Reading the last sentence in your post, I guess I have to say - that's just the way it is in most cases, unless you live in the same town with the same friends you've had for 40 years.
Hi all This is Bruce. I originally joined here several years ago when my beloved spouse was in the later stages of AD. Some of you may remember me others may not. I often come here to see how others are coping but was not able to post due to sign in issues. My spouse passed in Sept of 2011. This morning as I read the latest blog that Joan had posted it brought back a lot of old memories and lots of tears. Even though it has been almost 4 years and I have found a new significant other life continues to be a daily struggle. I must confess that my DW was the true love of my life and I probably will go to my grave missing her, but as they say life moves on and we have two choices: either go forward or die a little piece at a time. My new friend is many things my wife was not and I do love her but deep down inside the pain is still there. I daily pray for all who are caregivers for ill spouses that they will find the strength to move forward and create a new life for themselves. May God continue to bless each and every one of you special people who get up every day regardless of what the day may bring and just get-r-done. love you all Bruce*
So good to hear from you, Bruce. I understand all too well what and how you are feeling. I wish you only the best with your new friend and hope you will have many years of happiness. Hugs to both of you.
I have been thinking a lot about the posts on making new friends. (or not). I think that what Myrtle relayed makes a lot of sense: You have to have some proximity, you have to see the person (or people) often enough, and you have to have some opportunities to communicate. It seems to me that going to activities that you genuinely enjoy and are meaningful to you…where there are other people of the same mind…are sooner or later going to result in some relationships. These things just take time…they have to happen naturally, and can't be forced. We are together here on this forum due to a big misfortune in our lives…we are, or have been, struggling with the Alzheimers demon. It is,or has been, exhausting, isolating, and life-draining…but it isn't forever. I think that if we were people with lives and friendships before Alzheimers, that we are eventually going to bounce back--after a period of recuperation--and find new lives, new meaning, new friends, etc. I will take a long, deep breath and say that I don't think age has much to do with it. I can see that, at 65, I can still do a lot about my looks and my attitude…and that there are many, many opportunities for socialization out there, once I have recovered a bit from this bereavement misery and can take advantage of what life still has to offer. I may get back to church choir, I may get more involved with the singles group…or find another one…who knows? I treasure my solitude, and in fact need it for much of what I like to do…but I don't want to be by myself all the time.
Bruce, you are an example of what I mean. We've all had excruciating losses of either our true loves or our health and sanity trying to take care of our spouses, whether the marriages were happy or not. But "love is all around us" (to quote an old song), and it stretches…there is always enough to go around. Just because our spouses may be gone doesn't mean we can't love somebody else. In terms of friendship, just because we are uncomfortable in a singles group now, doesn't mean some of those folks might not turn out to be close friends over the years. I'm thinking that in rubbing elbows with lonely people in group meetings or on tour busses going somewhere…well, yeah, everybody is there because they're alone and lonely…but isn't that the whole point? To reach out, to communicate, to start to foster new understandings and caring? Hey, ya gotta start somewhere.
elizabeth*, I hope your grandchildren are soaking up your wisdom. Perhaps DD didn't get it, but those grands that you watch might take away some precious philosophy from you.
I'm 65 too, and one of those people who is sapped by socializing. I need it, but I need my space and quiet time too. I like reading your posts because you own the pain that you went through during the last few months that nearly broke you, but now your posts are showing how, by small steps in deed and thought, it is possible to reinvent one's self with the raw material that were there all the time. You are an excellent writer.
I am fortunate to be living in the community where I've been for the last forty years and the same house for the last 38 years. It is hard to be without my DH but I have many friends and family here. (I really miss grandchildren who are in college. I have joined in a lot of things that I have never done before. I go to our senior center almost every day for lunch. I also applied for a position on the board at the center. I am still healing from my back surgery, so I walk several blocks every day and also do my regular exercises several times a day. So I am very happy doing things that I haven't been able since my 5 plus years of caregiving. Right now "life is good."
I find it reassuring to know that I'm not the only one who experiences this Single Loneliness. I live in a really nice retirement complex, love my apartment and take place in some of the many activities. I've had a few pretty close friends since I moved to Florida 25 years ago, but over time they moved away, died, or our lives took different directions. Where I have now lived for the past 10 years I too have mostly Playmates. A few became good friends, not really close, but in the Inner Circle, but have either died or are sort of fading away, becoming reclusive to the point of not being that interesting. I stay in touch with old friends, but they're scattered all over the country now. When we do see each other it's great, which makes coming back to the real world here harder. I'll see my daughter, grandkids and greats next week when I go up North for 5 days. It'll be wonderful. And here in town I have my wonderful stepdaughter, who is truly a good friend and I'll be part of their Mothers Day celebration. It's the day-to-day stuff that I miss and the evenings are the worst. Mary, it sure was great meeting you for lunch when you were here and I'm looking forward to seeing you again in the fall. I can relate to every single thing that has been said here.
I was single until I was 40 and twice moved to distant parts of the country alone. I’m not sure I want to go through that a third time. It’s hard to meet new friends when you're on your own. There is only one of you to make new contacts and as a woman, there are a lot of places you can’t comfortably go by yourself. Also, it gets tiresome always going to movies, museums, and shopping centers alone. I eventually made new friends in both places but I met most of them through my work. In the meantime, I learned how to enjoy my solitude.
The group activities that Joan describes seem like a good way to get out and do something. Like marche, however, I’m often sapped by socializing, especially with people I don’t know. It’s probably easier if you have an outgoing personality.
As Bruce observed, adding a significant other to your life does not shield you from the sadness and trauma of losing a spouse to AD. Another way to put it--the addition of this new happy dimension simply adds a layer to your complex emotional strata--the loss layer will still burble up and surprise you, unexpectedly.
When I placed Jeff, I was very aware of my singletude--when I ate lunch out by myself, or just did anything alone--the alone-ness of it seemed so much more palpable than it would have if I'd done those very same things, by myself, when I was in a healthy coupleship. It was almost similar to being the new kid at a school with a pre-established social structure--I had no idea how I would fit into it. It was very non-normal and non-comfortable.
But I did some pro-active things...attended workshops, took some classes...and beyond that I guess I trusted life to fill in the blanks. I also carried a strong sense that I was not done being a partner yet (or, as my physician put it--"you're too young to roll up your tent.") And sure enough, (and somewhat to my amazement,) life did fill in that blank, and I met my second (and last) life partner. As sure as I was that I wasn't done yet when I lost Jeff, I am equally sure that I will be done after this. Whichever of us goes first. The actuarial tables favor me being left behind (he is 60, I am 53,) but we're planning on mutual annihilation in a meteor strike. But if I'm alone, I'll be alone, and do it as gracefully as I can. I feel like I've been raked across the coals of the Alzheimer's firepit once, and there are no further guarantees in this life. Whatever I am privileged to enjoy from hereon out is bonus and very much appreciated.