My son emailed me on Friday evening and he informed me that he no longer wants to hear what is happening. He says it is always the same thing and he has his own problems to deal with.
I remember very clearly all the calls I got from him when he went through his first divorce, then came the second and at that time DH wa giving me quite a hard time, not yet diagnosed. 15 calls a day but I never told him to take a hike. I tried to take care of both him and his out of control Dad. He has bi polar and OCD and he must be out of control. The last time I saw him, about a month ago, he seemed fine, very much in control. I don't know what is happening now.
So that is three of the five that are, MIA of their own free will. I just cried and cried that night.
Kevan us roller coasting but he is sleeping well and resting well. Just a happy ride this time.
They had a fellow in to sing and play and DH danced with five ladies that have walkers. I don't know how he does it but the staff thanked him because the ladies were so happy to be able to dance once again.
I just don't understand why he is so difficult with me and so good to these other people. Total strangers. He says he would like to live here but he says he can't because he would be to mean to me. But he says he loves me and we get along fine now that he knows he can't come and stay over night except maybe at Christmas. So so hard!!
Jazzy, isn't it just always something? You can't do much about what your kids do, but at least you can take care of yourself and build the best life for yourself that you can, within the limitations of taking care of Kevan. I'm sending you all the moral support I can send through ESP. ("He has his own problems to deal with." he says. Oooh,what a brat! ) I wish we lived closer--I would come over and make you a cup of tea and give you a hug.
Maybe look at it another way. If he is bi-polar and OCD and he knows he is not in a good place right now, then maybe it is the best he does not come around.
I think most of us can say we gave to our kids, were there for them. Unfortunately we seem to have generations now that feel no responsibility or need to be there for their parents. I never expected any help or support from my kids and they have not proved me wrong. Not expecting has allowed me to not hurt because they are not here. For those of you who are so hurt by their absent kids, I wish I had magic words for you. All I can offer is tell yourself there is a reason and is for the best.
Jazzy, that makes it doubly difficult for you, but I think Charlotte is right. If he is in a "bad place" right now, he might just cause more of a problem. I'm so sorry you must deal with that emotional hurt as well as everything else.
I'm very fortunate I have not had that problem with my children, at least not yet. I don't expect them to run over here all the time, but they answer the call if I need them. Well, now except for the youngest one who moved to Tokyo a month & a half ago - he can't do much running over I guess!!
Jazzy, all I can do is pray for some peace of mind for you while you deal with everything. {{{hugs}}}
Sad thing is I don't expect them to "run over here" as you say but to just listen would be good. All but one Iives over an hour away so "running over is out. Charlotte your so right about this generation but " what goes around comes around". We taught them to be independent and all the boys are better homemakers them their wives so I guess it is our own fault. I also have to remember that two are my step children, one is adopted, one is bi polar and the other is 4000 km away, but a nice phone conversation doesn't cost anything but the long distance charges. One good thing is that the one who is Kevan's POA if I pass has sent out an email to all that He will follow Dad's wishes not to be moved from his LTC. That will take away some concern for Kevan.
Jazzy the operative phrase is when you described your son OCD/Bipolar - my closest friends son suffers from the same plague. When off their meds there is nothing you can do other than tear your heart out over his actions or resolve to yourself that you've done the best you can and understand that they have limit capabilities when off their meds. You can't beat yourself up over that which you have no control.
jazzy - I don't think we can blame ourselves for the selfishness in our kids. The TV and movies for the last 30 years do not promote family values or caring about others. Many of them push 'me' first.
Good to hear that the son has let everyone know Kevan will stay where he is. That is one battle you don't need.
Jazzy, I'm so sorry you're going through this. As several others have said, if your son is bipolar then there's not much you can do but try to protect your own heart from the hurt.
I've gone through some similar situations with my stepchildren. My stepson lives locally but we don't see him or his family too much since they are always so busy. I admire his dedication to his family by putting them first but I feel he is neglecting his father. My stepdaughter lives out of state and seldom calls. When she does it's always about her cute little girl which is great, but there's never truly a question about her father or his condition and no inquiry about how I'm holding up. It has engendered a great deal of resentment on my part towards her, since my DH always put his kids from the first marriage first. I endured being pushed on the side more times than I can count and my DH never understood my needs or desires, even when I expressed them to him. He felt I was asking for too much.
Our two children are different, they call every week and always talk to their dad, even if it's only for a few minutes which is all he can tolerate over the phone. They are also mystified by the other half-siblings and feel there's been a split in our family.
Lots of (((hugs))) to you Jazzy -- you are a dedicated and loving caregiver. Protect your own heart and let it go as best as you can. You totally deserve it.
Jazzy, when I talked about not expecting the kids to "run over all the time", I hope you didn't take that as a remark against you! I meant no offense & sorry if it sounded wrong....I'll be more careful about the way I state things.
I have two sons. The one who lives close to me goes and sees his dad and it breaks his heart every time. The older son (who lives 6 hours away) just cannot bring himself to go see his dad. He says he just can't stand it. I understand both of them and I get it. It breaks my heart every time as well. But I don't feel like I have a choice. I took my mom (age 91) to see her sister (86) and was gone for a week. When I got back and went to see my husband he was angry and said he thought I had left him forever. I have pressure on all sides. Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can take all of this stress. Supposed to go for my annual checkup and I am thinking I may ask for some stress reliever meds. I am not sure what I really need but my chest feels like I have a vice on it. This disease affects the entire family but it seems as if I am the one carrying the load. Jazzy I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this. We are all in a nightmare and can't wake up.
I have three grown sons. My oldest son has difficulty accepting his father's condition. My middle son has a 22 year old autistic son and does very well relating to his father - he sees a similarity between his son and father. My youngest son lives in VT but is coming to spend some time with us next month. We'll see how that goes.
I've had that same vice around my chest too. I had a nuclear stress test to make sure there were no heart problems. There wasn't & I have anti-anxiety meds to use as needed. I haven't had to use them a lot, but I do notice that within the last few months, I do need to take one a little more often than I used to. You're right about the disease affecting all, but we do bear the brunt, really making for stress & tension. I found that I was holding my breath a lot & didn't even realize it!! Trying to keep it all in I guess....