Our eldest Son came to visit today and he really laid things down.
We live about two hours from him and he wants me to move his Dad to a residence closer to him and for me to move into a house there as well. He says he is concerned about my health as his Dad is giving me such a difficult time. He says he and his brother can spell me with visits and his Dad's care and he can help me around the house. It would mean that I will be much closer to my two friends as well. I have moved so much lately but I know he is right. Also if anything happens to me they will move their Dad anyway.
Sorry to read of another hurdle on your journey. I'm not offering any advice, but hope others will come along soon to give you their thoughts about another move. I am writing only to say I am so sorry for all you are going through and hope things improve soon.
Jazzy, I would say that if your son has offered this and is serious (which it sounds) about understanding what's entailed and the other son has also offered to help then I call this a very attractive offer. It's also much closer to your two friends.
It wouldn't matter to me if I ended up getting a little more help or a little less help than I think - it matters that you get willing help and that you have SOME life of your own which is more possible around two friends.
Unless you're strongly opposed to moving I would seriously consider this.
How would the move affect hub's? Do you think he would accept the move? He would probably go downhill some if moved. I think I would check out where he would go to if you did move him. Talk to them about his problems and needs to see how they would handle them - if they could.
Daughter - will this be farther from her? That might be a positive!
You - how reliable are your sons? Do you seriously think they would carry through with their words? Do you think you would be seeing your two friends that much? If the answers are yes and yes - then it is a winner. Even if your sons do not carry through and your friends are there for you, then that would be an important factor too. We all need friends, especially outside the world of dementia. And having friends around to visit and hang out with can cut your stress.
Jazzy, think long and hard about this. I think you should do whatever in your heart is best for you. Your husband is in a cocoon of care--but you are not. You yourself are the vulnerable one in this scenario, I think. And you have already moved three times in a year and a half. Would another move be financially feasible for you…and could you make another move and still stay sane? Stress levels are already very high, and a move will add more stress. And of course, you would have to be going through all the work of assessing a new place to put Kevan--all from where you are now, which is two hours away. Do the sons genuinely "get it" about what their role should be in terms of helping their dad and helping you? Or do they mean well…but not really understand the nitty-gritty? When your son says "move you into a house" , what does that mean exactly? Does he have a place for you to live? Would you have your own independent space in a family home? Or would you be looking for another apartment? Be very, very skeptical, and very, very careful, Jazzy. And being closer to your friends sounds like a positive for you, but that is only one factor in your decision, and while important, is probably not the most important factor.
You are well-set-up in your current apartment, and perhaps just setting limits and boundaries to your interactions with Kevan would be enough of a stress-and-fatigue relief that you would not have to move. I know I don't get to vote…and I would never stick my oar in and try to tell you what to do…except to tell you that you should put yourself first, and do what you want, and what you feel is best for yourself. And then don't budge.
Hi Jazzy, My advice is to ask yourself some questions. Didn't you live near your son in Alberta before you moved back to Ontario? Then last year you were talking about moving back to Alberta but I think Kevan put the kibosh on that plan. If this is the same son, do you think Kevan would cooperate with this move? Also, no matter how helpful your son promises to be, people often fall short of their promises. If I remember correctly, you were disappointed with your son and DIL when you lived in Alberta. Are you still willing to move there even if your they are not as attentive as they promise to be? And would you still want to move if your two friends are not able to socialize as much as you might like? Finally, is there anything in your present location that you would miss if you moved? Only you can answer these questions.
As we all have learned, none of the options we are given are perfect. It's matter of weighing the pros and cons and deciding what things are most important to us.
EDITED Jazzy, I just realized that since your eldest son is only 2 hours away from you, he is not the same son who lives in Alberta. I read something on the net that said moving your residence is the 3rd most stressful life event, after death and divorce. elizabeth's post says you have moved 3 times in the last year and a half. Before you made your last two moves, did your eldest son suggest that you and Kevan relocate to be near him? I suggest you ask yourself how well you get along with this son and your other son who lives near him. Also, if they are married, what kind of relationships do you have with their wives?
Please let us know how you are doing with this decision. None of these decsions are simple. I will be thinking of you.
Thanks for starting this Jazzy. I think many of us can relate.
I love everyone's suggestions and don't have anything to add except to reinforce, what do you in your heart want to do?
I ask myself that question regularly and don't have clarity on the answer yet. I keep working on it and don't want to make big changes until I am clearer.
I look forward to reading of your discussions with your son and eventual decision.
Well now Kevan is on board but has left the decision to me. I am really torn because the sons, my stepsons are adamant that Kevan be as near to their office as possible. Where I go does not seem to be the priority. I am really unsure about this as I have limited funds and I will not be able buy the same quality of house that I have here. I don't want an apartment. I also have to think of my little Willy. He is a terrior and they bark. I want to move close to my friends but what happens if I can't drive? How do I get to visit Kevan. I don't want to live in the busy area of the city. I think I am going to put this on hold for now. I will go and visit the LTC places now and see how they are for him but I will take some time to make the final decision. Ever time I mive I loss money that I can't afford to lose. I will not have anyone to look after me when I need care so it's up to me now. You have all given me things to think about and consider. So helpful.
Please do what is best for you yourself, Jazzy. And in terms of the care planning for Kevan…you are the one who is the primary caregiver. If the stepsons want to take more of a role and want to spend more time with him, they can drive the two hours to where he is now. Maybe they can take turns coming to see him…stay overnight in a motel so they can have more time with their dad…something like that. It worries me that you are considering overturning your whole life again…which sounds like it is not really affordable…to do what these stepsons want. Let them be the ones to spend money, gas, wear and tear on their cars, their weekend time…you have already been having a rough time for a long time…why should you be the one who has to inconvenience yourself and make your life even harder? As you say, there is no one to take care of you except you. Part of taking care of yourself…a very important part…is not jeopardizing your finances. I don't see any reason why you should do what these stepsons want…unless it is a good move for you, and is what you genuinely want to do. (And it doesn't sound like that's the case.)
Kevan is being taken care of. You are the one who isn't being taken care of. Be careful, be skeptical, guard yourself.
Your all so right. My finances will take a big hit and also the residences that will take Kevan with his behaviour issues are few and far between. I like my house and area and I am happy with the way Kevan is being taken care of. When I walk in there is always someone that says hello and asks how I am. They will be building a new home in the next five years and I would like Kevan to move there. I have every kind of store I might need within 5 minutes drive of me. Kevan called me this evening and he is very concerned that I will not find a good home like I have and also that the boys are only trying to make it better for them and since one has a cottage about an hour from his home and the other flys off to his home in California that all their talk about taking care of me is just that "talk" maybe they have good intentions but I just can't think of where I will fit in. Their wives are not interested in spending time with me so I guess I just answered all my own concerns didn't I? You have given me so many things to think about and to be concerned about. Thank you I will take a few days to think on this but I really think my decision is made. I think Kevan will be alright. He likes it where he is. He was moving to take care of me but he is really unsure of their motives.
Use the good old 'pros and cons' list in helping. It really sounds like other than your two friends not where you are, you are happy there. That counts for a lot. And Kevan is happy where he is. You know they will take good care of him. And, he can see that his sons might be all talk and no action which so often happens with children. How many here have moved closer to family, leaving their home and friends behind, only to have the 'family' still not there.
This is a case of 'go with your heart' since things are fine where you are.
You need time to think about this issue. You like where you are and you want to be close to Kevan.
Tell them you like to think about it. Also say you cannot afford to move and you want Kevan to be close to you. That evan likes where he is and there is no guarantee he will like another place.
They may not make demands of you. You may need to think of a way of thanking them for thinking of their father while saying this is your decision and they may not make demands on you. That you will take care of their father to the best of your ability and that is how you will base your decision.
I didn't realize until today they were your stepsons so you might be seeing the frequent steps tension/conflict that is discussed so often.
And now Kevan has backed off for a year. No more move talk for one year. I think he is going through the same thing as last fall when we tried to move him out west. He is secure and safe where he is. He chose the place not me or anyone else so it is his. I visited him there yesterday and I listened to him interact with a PRN from the 5 th floor that was replacing the regular PRN on his floor the 4 th. It happened that yesterday was his shower day and because of a water line break in the downtown area, no showers. He got up and was ready but they forgot to come and tell him. He went down to the desk to find them and had words with them because they hadn't come to tell him and he could have slept longer. The joking interaction two hours later that she used really showed me why he feels safe there. This is a lady that was only replacing another regular staff member and she knew just how to take away his frustration. I was impressed and now I am really concerned about a move. I also had a call from a friend who's husband was in the one I was seriously considering and she told me if Kevan were to have one of his out bursts there he would be moved to the phyc ward and I think that would make things worse. Here they keep them on their floor and work with them in the familiar setting. I also checked for a comparable home for me and they are about $75.00 more for the same house. I guess the family help I had hoped to get is now out the window. It didn't take long to decide this one did it. It's all about his care. I will be alright here. It takes a few years to get a caregiver with partner in LTC to get settled in their new life. I get it!!!
No one else reminded me of all the things you did, Thanks all.
Kevan says it's all about making things easier for them not about my well being or finances. He my have dementia but he is still able to tell the quick sand from the solid soil.
Jazzy, It is so heartwarming that Kevan is on your side! "…able to tell the quick sand from the solid soil" is a new expression to me, and one I want to remember.
I think you got some excellent advice for your friends here. I'm glad you decided to stay put (at least for now) since Kevan and you both seem to like where you are at this time. Good luck.