I tried to look for this topic, but nothing came up so --
As at home caregivers, how do you cook for your loved one? I mean do you continue to cook regular meals (like I have always done!), or do you snack together, or go out, or order in or whatever?
I ask because Dan doesn't seem to care what I cook, or if I cook, just so there's something on the table at the usual supper time. He has always kind of gone by the clock & when he sees 5:30-6:00 roll around he starts asking "what are we doing for supper"? Even if we've been out & had a late lunch & he isn't really hungry, the clock says it's time to eat. I'm sorry, but I just don't want to cook a meal after having a filling late lunch (even a coffee & sweet snack) I guess I'm just no longer interested in spending so much time in the kitchen, especially when it feels like it doesn't matter anyway.

I've always been a pretty good cook & used to enjoy it, but things have changed (understatement!) How much do I still have to do??? (Sounds like I'm tired of it, doesn't it?) ;)

Mim, I used frozen dinners also, there are some that are pretty good, cost a bit more, but better quality. I can't eat them but he could ( I have celiac disease) He always wanted food on demand so a 2-3 minute microwave dinner was good. Priorities change with this AD situation. You do what you have to to make it. Another hint, when you cook a meal, make a bit extra and fix a plate for the freezer and use later, they come in handy and are quick to fix.

People with Alzheimer’s need structure and meals are part of that structure. It’s not only the food - it’s the event. So I always tried to act as if the meals, especially the evening meals, were special.

My husband was the cook in our house and he was really good at it. I never had much skill or interest in cooking, although I grew most of our vegetables and salad stuff in the garden. After he got sick, I ended up assembling meals, rather than cooking them. For example, I’d get a rotisserie chicken from Costco and serve it with fresh veggies from a farm stand or grocery store. Or I’d make a big stew, serve it with salad, and freeze the rest of it in 2-person servings.

When taking care of him started to become more time-consuming, we’d go out to eat more, always to a casual place. Eventually, we just went to a local “joint” that had developed an older clientele for dinner and had “specials” that were actual meals, rather than just pub food. It was cheap and my husband really enjoyed going out to dinner. Two things gave me a break from the tyranny of meals. One was hiring an aide for 3 hours twice a week. She would grocery shop and cook supper. Another thing was my husband's going to day care 3 days a week, which meant I did not have to figure out lunch on those days.

I guess Myrtle is the one closest to my problem. My wife was always the cook in our family (except that I would cook a steak over the grill or campfire), so when I had to take over the cooking it was a real problem. I barely knew how to boil water. I found a magazine that had just started called "Cooking for Two". I figured, as a chemistry major in college, I could read directions, so that was what I did. As a result we had only fancy meals. I still don't know how to do anything simple. At first my wife helped as much as she could, but then just sat down and let me do the work. She seemed to enjoy what I served. When we moved into a retirement home and I didn't have to cook any more, the magazine folded.

Mim, just do our best and also try to let it go. Allowing him some goodies and letting some of this happen is going to feel differently when you look back on it I think. At least he has this. My question is where are YOUR goodies? Isn't there anything in that case that appeals to you? Feed the slaves they work better.

I started out trying to feed DH good healthy foods at every meal. But with work, taking care of him and everything else. And DD eating at friends houses and such. As time went by. I started being kind to myself. If I was tired, we would have peanut butter and jelly, grilled cheese, baked potatoes, scrambled eggs, soup with cheese and crackers, frozen meals. Or picking up a fast food meal. And if I was not hungry I would feed DH and eat later myself. And my DH was always happy with what ever I fixed. I remember some lunches being cheese, crackers and sliced up bananas. He loved the finger food meals.

It's all good : ))

About this cooking thing --- tonight I made a little pork stir fry & rice. Pork & whatever vegetables I had lying around! :) Anyway, he pushed it around the plate a lot, I guess trying to figure out what each thing was, said it didn't have any taste. He ate most of it, but I guess I won't be trying that again. What is the point?

Paulc, there is no Trader Joe's anywhere near me. I've been in the one where my cousin lives, but there's nothing like that around here. I wish there was -I liked it.

Wolf, I try NOT to eat the "goodies" in the display case, but many times I buckle! If he wants it, he can have it - I don't deny him if he that what he wants. It's just that he wants supper when the clock says it's time, no matter that he just had his coffee & sweets an hour ago. Kind of aggravating for me I guess, but you're right - just let it go.

Does anyone keep snacks around for them? I do keep cheese already cut up, there are seasoned pita chips, sometimes potato chips, pudding, etc. No matter what I have, he wants something else! Aaarrrrggggghhhh! :D

Mim, I'm an oldie here on Joan's, but your question was a common one back in my day. My DH died in 2009. As many already know, most of our guys lose their ability to eat 'wet food', such as soups, certain veggies . I found that milk shakes were very well received. You can put all sorts of things in milk shakes, from eggs, to peanut butter, jams and other tasty tidbits. A solid based Tervis mug worked best for us. It had a handle and was hard to tip over.

He preferred finger foods to more difficult to manage stews or pasta. He did enoy fruit yogurts, (he never did before) and I bought them the way I used to buy Gerber baby food. One of each flavor., twelve or more at a time. Tiny party sandwiches, pimento cheese, ham, chicken, egg salads on bread that had been cut into four squares. Grapes, strawberries, cut bananas, apple wedges, he loved them all. I had every 'to go' menu in our part of Houston. I'd call ahead and we'd take a ride to pick them up, or, luckily, many delivered to the house. Luby's Cafeteria was my favorite place. They knew me well! Unfortunately, for us, early on it became obvious that he was not comfortable eating in a strange place and often became irritated with waiters who came by the table too often for him. My task was to keep him happy and comfortable, and as others have said, routine is imperative. Keeping everything the same, no changes! The clinical psychologist who was part of the neurologist's team at Baylor Hospital was there for me 24/7. Her advice was same as I just wrote. Keep the routine, limit changes, limit large gatherings of family and friends. (Two or three at a time was fine.)
Those last years were rather lonely for me., but I'd do it again in a nano-second. I'm sure most of you will say the same thing.

Hi Mim, At some point in the course of your husband's illness, you are going to reach a point where you (not he) will decide what's going to happen when. Right now, it sounds like he's bored and is trying to fill up the time with going for rides, eating, etc. The fact that the weather might not be good for taking a ride does not factor into his thinking. His demands are just going to increase as his disease progresses, so you may have to start thinking about how to take control of the situation.

Elsewhere, you mentioned that Dan is eligible for VA health benefits. One program the VA has as part of their geriatric and extended care is called “Home and Community Based Services.” Even if you don’t think you will use these benefits now, I encourage you to talk to the liaison about what services are available and apply for the benefits now, so you will have them when you need them.

Dan sounds a lot like my husband - always wanting to do something. Like every other spouse, I said my husband would never accept going to day care, but he ended up going for 2 years, paid for by the VA. The last year, the VA also paid for 30 visits per year from an aide. (The aide mostly served as a companion, taking him on outings and errands.) I would not have survived without these services. They gave me some relief from the constant demands that you are describing.

It's me again!...... Y'all have brought back another memory. DH was in the hospital for the second time in 2 weeks, after hip surgery, getting over a case of mild pneumonia. He was still a bit goofy from the effects of anesthesia., but talking. He told me he needed to get out of the hospital that day because he needed to be in Geneva Switzerland the next day for a very important meeting. I pointed out that the weather was really bad and I feared most flights were canceled. "No problem", he said, "I'll just drive!" From Houston!

I promise you that so much of the bad will just fade away with time "after". Then, like with me, more and more funny memories like the one above come back. I'm glad about that.

Mim, speaking of VA, they have a respite program (at least here in MICH) I put my hb there a little over 2 years age for 8 days and it didn't cost anything. At that time you got 21 days free and a small charge for 9 more, 30 days in all. you might look into that for the future if you need it in case of illness or just to rest a bit.

No, Mim. The veteran does not have to serve during war time to be eligible for benefits. If he was on active duty he probably qualifies. (There are more restrictive rules for reservists.) The first thing you have to do is get a copy of your husband's separation papers. They show everything about his service - when he enlisted, when he was discharged, where he served, etc. If you don't already have these papers, the V.A. can tell you where get them, either online or by mail. It's not hard at all.

Yes, as Charlotte said, there are financial requirements, which knocked us out of the benefits. He qualified otherwise but was just over the income limit.

I have a phone number for a liaison (I guess that's what they're called) given to me by Easter Seals. I also have his military papers.

Thanks for the advice.