Charlotte, where are you? Are you all right? Miss your postings!

Pain will do that. Is your laundry load too heavy? Could you divide it into two smaller loads? Have you tried Votlaran (Diclofinac) oinment? It's over the counter. If you do, be sure to keep your hands away from your eyes afterwards.
I had a poor night last night, too, because of pain. Went out tto the dentist his morning amazed at how many rude drivers there were on the road. Then I got exasperated with a man at the Community Centre because he wouldn't agree with me in a discussion we were having about religion. As I left the parking lot, another man honked at me, and I shook my fist at him.
Decided It was me who was all out-of-kilter and that I'd better get home pronto. Which I did, and here I will remain until tomorrow. Hope to have a better sleep tonight. You, too.

Mary75* and Charlotte, I hope by now you have both been able to sleep. Mary, sometimes I get like that - really grouchy. Charlotte, Your successful redirection of Art by giving him the broom shows how sometimes it's the spouse, and not professionals, who know best how to deal with dementia patients.

I use lidocaine patches - I just wish they stuck better so like many use tape to keep them on. I also have the licdocaine roll-on to use usually on my lower back - easier than trying to put a patch on.

I had a couple nights of better sleep but now back to restless. I find leaving the TV on the 'easy listening' station helps.

He has gained 3 pounds since going on the risperdal which is a side effect of it.

Yes, it is a miserable situation, Charlotte. The good old "not a widow, not a wife" Alzheimer thing. The constant uncertainty--when will they die? I wish they would die. No, I don't. But I want to be free from all this. But to be free means they will have died. But I want them to die, it will be so much easier and I can get my life back. But no...wait...I don't want them to die...but I know they are going to...but how long will it be? And so on and so on. And it is so isolating--it just seems like nobody else in the universe is going through this or can possibly understand--being alone and lonely all the time in the Alzheimers situation is so bad for you. So many of us have been through it--and there's no question it affects your physical and mental health and is very bad for you. All I can say is: It doesn't last forever, even though it seems like it does. Sending you the knotted rope to hold onto:

x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

It does feel like that in some ways. The longest walk you never imagined. The journey through the shadow of death I called it and that was how it felt for the longest time. The long crawl elsewhere is definitely a big part of how all that was, and still is in some ways.

As Elizabeth said, it's a miserable situation - and it really is that in every sense. It's not you being strange in the normal world; it's the normal world being strange in yours. What are we supposed to do in an impossible situation except survive it?

-2

Many years ago on this board someone said something that has become the mainspring of what I'm doing. She said the word 'authorization' and she meant it exactly the way it's become useful; that being learning how to authorize myself.

What that has meant is that as I came out of Alzheimer's malaise, I was still as lost as anyone would be in our circumstances in rebuilding a new life out of the ashes of the one I had. And just because I wasn't depressed or recovering anymore, that didn't mean I'd lost my mind and thought of starting over in old age alone as something good or desirable. It's not, and that's why it feels as unwanted as it does.

That's the main reason it's so useful to develop our own authority to be and feel and think whatever it is we believe. Another way to say that might be to develop and improve our sense of our rights. For example, I have the right to feel hard done by the fact that this illness took away almost everything I valued, cared about, and found meaning in. It left me with anxiety, depression, and isolation to name some, and giving myself the authority to react to those facts included not worrying that I felt them for what they were.

When you try to reinvent your life in old age alone, you come up against yourself sooner or later; that is - the limits and nature of ourselves. Authorizing myself to be me without any further explanation doesn't solve anything directly, but it's a very freeing thing to come to believe in. That's the nature of actual authority. You take it and own it. You have to discover your belief in it before you're going to do that.

That kind of thinking may be clearest in future relationships. I'm very lonely and I really want the sharing kind of thing I used to have. That's a good reason to go out and look. But once I'd opened that box in a serious way, I also understood that anyone else permanently in my space was going to get on my nerves which was far more of a negative than company was a positive. That allowed me to stop worrying about it. I've left it that if I meet someone I really like, I'll think about it again. In the meantime, being lonely morphed into being alone which isn't the same thing.

I want more contact and I want more friends, but that takes time and authorizing myself to have that time led me to understanding what I really want is to live on my own as long as I can. Well, I'm already doing that so there's one success.

Take my sister. She thinks watching TV is a waste of life. Her choices of what isn't a waste of life are, frankly, just as mundane as watching TV is. Her husband likes watching TV and is home 24/7 now. Talking to me may have helped make her aware that their lives were far more harmonious once she authorized herself to not watch, while authorizing her husband to do what he liked as well. That kind of thinking applies directly to me. Entertainment is only entertainment when it entertains me. I'm entitled to be entertained. Therefore, my job is to find things that can do that. When I find those, my next task is to allow myself to be entertained. Another way to say that is authorizing myself to actually enjoy what I like.

There's a trick to it though. That might be illustrated by smokers. I'm a smoker. What smokers do is puff away realizing they probably shouldn't or really need to quit one day - and then they walk away from smoking believing they're trying to do something about it. They're not. Wanting doesn't do anything frankly, and so I authorized myself to resolve smoking. I still smoke but I don't worry about it anymore. As I've explained, the topic is authorization of ourselves - not what someone else thinks best or what what we think we should be doing.

This extends into thousands of things. Why is that thing there? Where do I want it? The regular utensils for cooking were in a drawer. Well not anymore. I put them into a vase I have no use for and now they're right there next to the stove. I didn't even know I had an opinion about that until I authorized myself to try something else after fishing for the thing I wanted buried in the drawer. It's right here now and I like that better.

I switched sides in the queen sized bed and I leave the light on all night every night. I don't have dangerous adventures in the dark anymore, and when I wake up at 5am and don't go back to sleep, I just reach over and start reading. I get plenty of sleep so when it comes isn't really an issue. It doesn't matter what choices other people make. It does matter that I can see I'm improving my life with each choice I authorize myself to have, and that as I make enough of them my life keeps feeling more like I'm living it again.

These may be thoughts worth considering. Not as a judgement of what we're doing; but, as a tool we might be able to use to help ourselves be.

Elizabeth, You've summed it up well. The part about depression is apt. Even if we aren't depressed, the way we are forced to live during Alzheimer's is the way a depressed person lives, so the difference becomes blurred. What surprises me is that I've not been able to return to my "old" self, i.e., the person I was 30 years ago, before I met my husband. I thought that since I lived as a single adult until middle age, and had years of experience living on my own, I might do better than those who had always been part of a twosome. But it's been 3 years since he died and I still miss him as keenly as ever. I can't even say (as so many do) that I'm "glad he is finally at peace." In fact, I wish he were still here, even with Alzheimer's, so I could hold his hand and see his sweet smile.

It has been 19 months since Dave died and I still can't put into words exactly how I feel. Like myrtle* I sometimes wish he was still here even with Alzheimer's so I could just touch him. This is even though I know he wouldn't want to live that way and willed himself to die before it got that bad. He always said he would starve himself before he became someone just sitting in a nursing home and that is practically what he did. I haven't "authorized" myself to do anything. I work full-time and tell myself I can do anything I want, but without him, there is nothing I want to do. I can't even make a decision to pick out a restaurant when I go with friends. I just tell them, "you pick". Food doesn't really mean anything to me, if I didn't work, I would lay on the couch and watch Hallmark movies all day and I know that sounds pathetic. I go and watch my grandson's play their sports and for a little while, forget this life I'm living. But it really stinks and I'm not doing a good job of appreciating all of my many blessings. I just can't put it into words like so many of you. Know that I have very seldom commented but read this board quite often. The words written here do touch me. Thanks for sharing your most inner thoughts.

DRA - even though my husband is still alive Feb 6th will mark a year since he was placed for good. Today I am going through some of that mental abuse Wolf talks about. He was removed from hospice today because he is not loosing weight anymore. Back in Sept and Oct he had episodes where his heart slowed down so much we could not wake him which along with the weight loss is why he went on hospice. In my heart I was preparing for this to end, looked forward to it. In my logical mind I knew this could come and go on for months or years which I don't want. March 9th marks 12 years since his diagnosis.

A big problem when you are two is: how do you live as one? I was one of those that went from home at 18 to marriage - I never was on my own. This is all new to me except I am not a lone, not single but not married - a living widow. The director of the facility says to go out and have a life we will take care of him. Easier said than down. I have not given myself permission to go find that life. It is just me, myself and I - have no idea what I want. I hate to think of what it will be like when he is gone. Will I give myself permission to move on or will I still be stuck in this limbo - I don't know. From what others here have shared for me probably the limbo.

Charlotte,

Unless you're completely shallow, you're not going to get away from spending time being nailed to a tree and suffering for some time afterwards. That's because shifting from endurance without pity to some kind of full closure is beyond what most modern soldiers ever endure both in extreme experiences and in time served.

I think most caregivers grossly underestimate how much the role costs. If someone is kidnapped and held hostage for years we understand clearly the trauma the long, gruelling experience must have inflicted. Dementia is just as effective in holding hostages and producing trauma for long, gruelling years. Our empathy for the first example is through the roof; our empathy for the second example is non-existent.

That's because love, and duty, and volunteering obscure the facts. That's because the same medical groups that provide help for the spouse don't give a shite about you. There is no respect for what is inflicted on spouses by long term, fatal illnesses anywhere - including in the spouses.

It's like this because the whole experience is insane. The spouse is there but they're not there. The spouse you are living for blames you or attacks you. The spouse has so little prospect we wish for them to pass peacefully - while at the same time having to deny our own pain being in this nightmare so we can keep going. The director of the facility says to go out and have a life we will take care of him - not realizing that's insane. Nobody wants to think clearly about this because it's too painful unless you're skewered inside it.

I'll tell you something about virtually every spouse that has gone away mentally or physically. Unless they hate you, they don't want you to pine for them too long because it hurts them to watch you do that. We don't need permission to live our lives when we're actually wrestling with trying to recover - or still in the role. What we need is permission to recover from hardships that prevent us from feeling like ourselves, and therefore block us from living like ourselves. We need permission to feel the pain of the damage to our lives and the loss of our loved ones. We need to believe there isn't anyone who matters that doesn't want us to have that - including our spouse at the center of all this.

Until we believe those things, we survive afterwards. And until we've each had enough time spent recovering, we don't really open to that journey except as the walking wounded. I haven't solved my life. Who does that anyway? The chains are gone - and that doesn't just make everything easier - it makes things possible.

Charlotte, They have a lot of nerve telling you to go have a life and the will take care of Art. If you didn't constantly check on him, he would not even be clean. Maybe if they did their jobs, you could at least relax a little. Anyhow, in my experience, even if your spouse is well cared for in LTC, you need to check on them.

Elizabeth, It seems like one of your best decisions was to move back to NYS after Larry died.

DRA, I hope things will get better as time goes on. Like so many people on this site who were with their spouses from their teens, you have a lot to get used to.

For my money, Alzheimer's or any progessively debilitating dementia is an excruciatingly long process of increasing hardship and pain that finally kills the patient and decimates the spouse.

I can get a sense of the kind of damage it does when I look at my cats. This is our third set of female cats, and they weren't neglected, but we adopted them in 2006, the year Dianne first showed signs that something was quite wrong. They grew up during those years where Alzheimer's came to dominate everything and I have no memory of how I fed them every day, never mind gave them attention or affection.

It's only in the last two years or so where I've been able to give them that, and they have changed remarkably in that time. The abused cat who is turning 16 this year has for some time enjoyed talking back in her squeaky voice. The younger one turning 14 this year now so looks forward to going to bed with me that she complains when I'm up too late, rolls all over the bed getting patted, sticks her face into my magazine, and sleeps snuggled up against me.

I've lived alone for eight years now, three with Dianne in a nursing home, and all these changes have only come about in the last two years - because life (me) began to offer that to them.

My own life has been the reverse. All affection or attention was steadily taken away, all friends and family seemed to abandon us, and life kept getting so horrible I lost all sense of anything but trying to survive it.

I've watched video clips of lab chimps and other animals being rescued and given normal places to live, and I cry because they are my brothers and sisters - where at least I get to watch some being helped to a better life. I don't feel bad about the cats, but I can sympathize with them because I realize they also paid part of the price.

There's no blame in dementia. It just happens. But often the sufferer loses touch with who they are or where they are or how to use a fork, and all of the horrors that happened, all of the suffering that entailed, all of the effects of those years, end up in just one place. Us.

My psychiatrist friend explained that the kind of thing I went through (we go through) is very serious. She explained her job is to try to help people find ways to cope better and preferably find frameworks within themselves they can work with and build from. She explained that's how it was for her when her mother committed suicide jumping in front of a subway train when we were in high school because of her abusive father (not sexual). She was in analysis for four years while being a professor of psychology before she could find her own framework she could build from.

She explained that one of the keys is to be able to sit in it (the issues) and try to process it - rather than flinch away or deny the hurt that is the dysfunction. That's almost funny that most people who get beaten up so badly by life they hardly know who they are, must then try to heal themselves without any instructions or help.

Interesting you brought up the permafrost. I was watching a show the other night that went to Siberia to talk to a guy who has devoted his life to living in isolation studying the permafrost. As it thaws the decay critters that were frozen is releasing more CO2 the the rest of world. He has found by cutting down all the trees that have taken over has allowed the ground to stay frozen so the decaying is not happen.

You talk of your cats, my dog is driving me crazy with her neediness. Ever since she had her dental work done last fall she suffers now from separation anxiety. She would rather go stay in the car than at home but sometimes it is too cold to take her. When I get home she is shaking and crying. At least she doesn't bark non-stop like the neighbors old dog! She was an emotional support dog but the lady is busy with 2 year old twins so the dog doesn't get to go everywhere with her now.

Back to your experience you are true. I went through counseling in the 90s to deal with I thought my husband's affair in the 80s but we concentrated on childhood abuse. After a year the money ran out so I had to quit. Then I took lay counselor training at a Christian counseling center then did counseling for 2 years. I think I made the most progress in healing while helping others. Maybe I need to go back to that.

I'm not in the stage yet when I might think about recovery. Instead, in less than two months I will begin my eighteenth year of caregiving. Lately I've thought that I might be sad, or depressed, or completely burned out (all of which are most likely true), but what I've finally come to realize is that I'm actually slowly losing my mind. I don't say that lightly. You can't be a caregiver for this long, especially with very little outside help, without it doing something serious to who you are as a person. You can't be nearly housebound with someone who is demented and who can only rarely manage to form a complete sentence, without it damaging you.

Yesterday, while talking to my sister, I said that the only way I've managed to live with our situation for so long is by shutting down every single normal human impulse. It shocked me to hear those words coming out of my mouth, but I realized they were true. People always tell you that you need to take care of yourself, but it's nearly impossible to do that when the person you are caring for needs something constantly, and you are also responsible for every single thing that happens in both your lives.

Our apartment living situation has become very draining, with constant noise and lack of maintenance. After looking for somewhere new for a long time, yesterday I went and applied for a different apartment. It's brand new, which means it wouldn't require extensive cleaning, and there are no noisy neighbors overhead. Last night when I tried to discuss moving with DH, he talked constantly for 20-30 minutes, and out of all that time, there were maybe three sentences that had any meaning. The rest of it was unconnected words, or just random sounds. I had been wondering how the two of us could live somewhere so small, but after that, I thought that perhaps it would make a lovely little apartment for just me. I think that it's time I tried to start putting myself back together. This seems like the logical time for a transition. But I still feel guilty... I wish there was some magical pill for caregiver guilt.

No, you'll be all right. Even lovelier with the cracks all healed. I believe in you.

I agree Jan about the mind. I have a hard time, more than before, remembering peoples names. All the tricks I used in the past don't work anymore. Even though I don't have him at home, the only conversation is when I visit and talk to the aides.

Like Elizabeth, I don't remember if placement is possible for you, but might be worth looking into help even so you can get away for a few hours. I do like the idea of moving to a place quieter, might even meet some people who you can have conversations with.

Something new is creeping in. Some of that may be the creepiness of having no sports anywhere and not being able to go and do anything normal without endangering life and limb. I don't believe that though.

It feels more like very unpleasant side effects of broad daylight. The little bubble I lived in isn't working anymore. For instance I spent a long time feeling like friends and family abandonded us, yet now when doors are opening I live in the distrust and frankly the fear of being hurt again. On top of that, I don't want what is being offered - which is what is called close friends just as long as you stay within the accepted narrow boundries. It's not their fault that I've changed like this; but, there's no way for me to believe in that the way I once did and while I crave the socialization - it's not capable of feeding my needs.

I'm in a perfect little trap I can't blame anyone for. I don't open up to things or want things. I do them because I should which isn't an effort anymore - but it's not creating a world I'm moving in to either. The cats are getting more love from me than any pets I've had. I know they're on their last legs though and are going to rip me up soon. I'm surrounded by truths that add up to me being damaged by things that happened in my life.

I've always had the 'excuse' of recovering and healing. That was true too. I've understood for many months now that I have recovered and that I've stopped changing noticeably because this is the real me. I don't have problems coping with how I am or my day anymore. What's creepy is that I can see that there's zero part of me that's considered moving into something rather than just through it.

I can see how much I've healed. I have a good memory and good notes that have no problem showing me not only how weird I got, but how far I've come away from that. What is only really dawning on me now, is that my own plan for my own future and fulfillment is an absolute vacumn of nothingness. I don't have 'want' inside. I've never even missed wanting or looked there at all.

It's like the patient saving themselves, and once they did, looked around and realized they didn't have a single clue why they saved themselves. What's it for when you can't imagine anything good that feeds the soul?

I think deep down inside where no pyramid builder ever imagined sealing something so well, there is a reservoir of pain where I never opened to my feelings about Dianne. I couldn't face that AND endure - so I endured. It doesn't matter what the reasons are. I'm here and I either find ways to change this or wither on the vine until I run out of time.

When I started out here after my wife passed away, I had no hope, no vision, and no ability to look at my life or my future back then. I only had the determination to walk out of the valley of death and be free of it. To all intents and purposes I did that. Now that I've moved in, only now, am I coming to realize I need things I completely neglected if I'm to have any kind of life beyond existence. What a thing all this is.

I haven't seen that. I haven't believed it. And the sum total of what I've tried to do there is absolutely zero. As I'm writing this I can hear the truth of it. I have to stop thinking in terms of protecting myself and enduring and fighting the good fight. I need to put the burdens I no longer need to carry down and free myself to start learning how to enjoy some things, how to invest in having interests I open to, how to want things in my life. I need to teach myself to start looking for better stuff.

Right now that seems like learning how to speak Mandarin. It's completely foreign and way over 'there'. On the other hand I've never tried to be this personally honest with my own feelings and that's a good thing because anything I can do now is up from zero.

I've talked to more people lately than I can shake a stick at. Every single one of them has said how good I sound - including the person on this board I had a good talk with last week. I need to take that in. I need to take a lot of things in that all add up to me having good feelings about things again and not shutting myself out from doing that. I'm pretty sure that's true of everyone in the sense that life is better when more of our better feelings can come out in it.

Here is the story of Wolf, who went out there where few have gone before (according to my psychiatrist friend) - and forgot why. Wish me luck. In fact, wish all of us luck.

It's a big blind spot to throw away what you're going to need because you can't think like that. That's what Alzheimerspouse did with it's stupid stars. It was the continuation of the brutal and consistent message all help centers send - which is that only the sick spouse matters - and the second they pass away, shut up about anything that isn't widow related.

Instead, among thousands of needs, there is one stupid story of one person floundering around afterwards on a thread where Elizabeth occasionally joined in - and that's it because it wasn't authorized or envisioned that people don't spontaneously heal from the dementia they never had. Healing from that is part of everyone's Alzheimers experience.

That's what I mean by kiddie pool and bubble thinking. I'll get along fine at the group cottage things as long as I don't mention old age or any of the things that group think doesn't want to know about. Stay inside the bubble. That's not a bad thing. It just doesn't work when you ARE outside the bubble.

I'll tell you why you're going to make it. You don't transfer narratives. If you own it then you face it. That's going to see you through. That doesn't mean you don't have pain or the feelings that being tortured for years and then abandoned brings. It's not family and friends that do that - it's dementia caregiving that does that (usually).

Family and friends even when you're flush with them are never going to save you or provide you the life you no longer have. We can get involved with things and we can get involved with people; but, we're definitely going to be spending the time with ourselves. The only road I know is to try and not become bitter or despondent while learning to gradually move in to the life we have.

In my world, I may be facing the last vestiges of the old ways. That is to stop saying I'm over it and start believing it. And that in a nutshell is to stop being defensive and instead spend energy trying to invest in and grow better things about having a life at all. Not so easy, but then life has never seemed easy.

I must have missed this thread awhile back. I know my mind isn't what it was - not sure if it's just because there is so much to do or if I'm reaching that point where I'm beginning to have problems. I told you I had talked to my Dr about needing some mental health counseling, she sent immediate referral, but the first opening they have is in August. I didn't take it. Figured I'd probably not need it by then for one reason or another. This covid-19 has sure messed up life. Store have no stock, can't get out and around, more and more places closing for good.

If one more person says I just have too much on my plate I might lose it altogether. Do they think I don't know that? But no one offers to come help with the work. So as Charlotte says, it just leaves me to do what I can. I have been wondering if I'll be able to do much driving after a few more years of this. I reminded dh last night about the trips we used to take. I thought maybe a short day trip to a park we've been to, beautiful place -- he asked if I knew where it was and I said yes. And I do, but after thinking about it, it's only two hours south of us but a roundabout way to get there. I would have to use the nav in the car now. Makes me nervous to think about it.

Jan, I really empathize with you, we'll have lived here 5yrs come October and dh has never gotten used to it and never did any of the things that we'd planned. Now I either have to do them or try and find someone. It was a big mistake but too late too smart.You're talking about some of the things re apartment living, that I worry about. Which is why I tell people we'll stay here till they carry us out in a pine box. I love the property, love the seclusion, hate the fact that we didn't get things done we'd planned to and now never will. Wish so much I had my house back, even if it was in town. Even my one living sister gave me a harsh talking to Sat - when I sure didn't need it - that we don't need all this property, the horses, I know dh isn't going to get rid of anything, etc, and so on. I told her I won't sell no matter what RE is going for now, because we have to live someplace and I don't want to buy another house. Nor do I want to rent an apt. dh would part with me before the cats and dogs and 3 of each are not welcome in rentals. Although she was widowed fairly young, and for 10 years, she remarried a guy her age with money. She seems to forget they are both years younger than we are -- so still can make plans. I feel with Jan, I don't think I will ever have a life again so not sure it's even worth it to think about. I don't think in terms further than 5 yrs and not sure about that. I know there are old women who live full lives and come and go, but i don't think I will be one of them.

Charlotte, all my old friends, who are still alive :) are slipping away. I'm sure I'm not the same person I was - got too many worries to be carefree. Dh doesn't want to go anyplace or have anyone come here so it's just the two of us. Wild animals out this morning - very, very early. The dog would not let me sleep so after letting him out 4 times, I just stayed up.l Did get some things done before dh woke up but there is something that happens once he's up that seems to drain everything out of me. His needs always come first. Right now he's insisting on buying a $4000 field mower. We had one 20 yrs ago and they are nice, but even if I wanted to spend that much money, he breaks every mower we have and/or it stops working because he doesn't remember they need oil and maintenance. We have two riding mowers and two reg mowers that don't work, and one that works fine when he remembers to put oil in it and actually goes outside to mow. He hurt his hand really bad last week, pulls the cord with brute strength which he doesn't have anymore. Cost us $80 last year to get it repaired. I'd like to sell the others for parts to get rid of them but just don't want the bother of people calling :) And when I mention things like needing to get rid of them, even the dumps, people who say I have too much to do never offer to come help get them loaded up or anything else.

To close on a good note, my no-med policy night not be medically sound but I sure feel better. After fighting insomnia for 10 years I can just go to bed and fall asleep for 8 hours. My BP is still a little too high, but getting better and kidney function better. Go figure.

Oakridge - have you thought about some supplement that is suppose to lower BP? Magnesium helps me some as does niacin. I keep looking at the 'super beets' commercial which is suppose to help BP and lower bad cholesterol. I am one that loves beets but I guess I would have to eat a lot of beets to equal what is in one glass of it.

I understand the mental change when he gets up - went through that. I was talking to my friend last night - the one with the botched and painful knee replacement who is always fighting with her husband. She gets bothered by a rash which she has had since the knee replacement that had nickle in it. She usually sleeps days and is awake at night. When her husband is sleeping or is gone she is OK but as soon as he appears the rash gets worse and itches. She finally nailed it which I have felt a long time - it is her reaction to him.

Life sucks!

here is some encouragement: Very encouraging & scientific message about Senior Citizens:

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so, too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.

Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline. The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.

SO THERE.
Now when I reach for a word or a name, I won't excuse myself by saying "I'm having a senior moment". Now, I'll say, "My disk is full!"

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.

That's funny Charlotte!

The thing about what I wrote is both that it's true and that I own it. I think I know why we feel that negative, close down, unobtainium way.

Being treated (by life) the way we have for so long does things to people. It doesn't have to make a big noise about it. Much of what it does is very subtle. Like trust and willingness and belief - and overall resistances inside to coming towards things that have both risk and reward for us.

I always feel like I shouldn't have posted this or that. That I shouldn't have sent the thing around I did (even when I get good feedback). It comes with having lost so much while being mistreated (again, by life). That feeling manifests itself as doubt about acceptance or disapproval by others or being cast out. Welcome to the club. That's not going to go away until we reach an equilibrium state inside. I wouldn't hold my breath. Instead start to live with it by accepting what it is, why it is, and that we need to overcome that as we can.

"We have met the enemy and they are us." And, it's not our fault. It comes with the territory that we live(d) through. It's like the wind whistling through the old cabin. It's just there and like every other thing, it can be worked on. A good place to start is by teaching ourselves to accept that some damage came along with what we went through.

That's best done by thinking about what other people here went through because we can be much more objective about that. Respect what they went through and realize that the same respect applies to what you went through - however much we're in our own way to do that. It's just a fact.

I have moments. I have conversations and things happen that make me feel good. They don't last because I'm not really there yet where the remnents of the dread still exist in much of the land. THAT is where I am. I can still learn though and I can't think of anything much that's more useful to learn right now.

Last night I made the best chicken and shrimp curry on rice I've ever made. It was outrageously delicious. Then I ate an entire bag of crackerjacks (caramel popcorn & peanuts), and a snickers chocolate bar. Then I felt bad that I did that. Try and guess what feeling dominated afterwards.

This morning I woke from a dream where we were all young and I was some kind of business man and I needed to get to San Francisco from LA - so one of the ladies invited me into her flying swan thing because she was going there. I woke up then and felt so normal in my whacky dreams that I could have been any age and anywhere. Then I realized I was in my life that didn't have anything like normal me in it. Bummer.

I disagree strongly that we shouldn't tell others what it's like. I think people are reasonably good at learning things useful to themselves. I think the worst thing is feeling completely alone, and that it's better to put into our minds what others in similar boats are going through and what they think about it. That's not shared by many, but I strongly believe it.

I'm off to make dinner and then fall asleep in front of the TV. Escape to the Country is on all night where one day I might want more and go for that. We can always dream.

bhv* You certainly zeroed in on the situation that I also experience. I so miss having someone to converse with and it of course it goes way back to when the disease first began. The young people in my life (family) don't really want to hear what I am thinking or what existential angst I am experiencing. I also have to admit that I was probably that way with my own mother. I just had no idea what she was feeling or what to do about it because at that time I thought I had to fix everything. Now I know that listening is the best thing anyone can do.

I have a few friends who are older than I am and are also widows. Whatever i throw out for consideration they have likely already thought about or experienced. But they are friends and not people I talk to everyday (the truth is that I value their friendship so much that I don't want to wear them out). I am a much better listener with them than I ever was with DH and I regret that.

I too check in here but seldom post anymore. I will always read your posts and think about what you have said. This is a great place to not clam up - bored people can move right along, but those of us at the same stage will read with care and understanding what you write.

oakridge - I totally understand how medication can be worse than the problem. Too often they are give medicines to counter the side effects of others. That is why I keep a tight reign on how many they the doctor tries to give Art. Thankfully where he is they don't want to do it. But sometimes you have to with dementia patients give them more than one would want so they have a better quality of life but more important life is safer for the caregiver.

The last year plus since he has been placed I have gone through many grieving times. I can sometimes look at pictures and remember the fun we had doing that. What others have said here that afterwards as time goes on good memories can come back is true. We had a lot of 'bad' times which I dwelt on the last few years but I am trying to not go to those memories cause they hurt when I do and do me no good.

I took my husband off galantamine against doctors wishes. He had been on it for 6 years. When I took him off I saw no change so if it helped it was no longer. Best thing I did because AD causes in increase in stomach acid. He had GERDS years ago but had surgery for it in 1998. I refuse statins because they can cause memory loss. In 2008, before I knew much about them he took them. By day three he couldn't remember what he had done and with whom. I researched that night and threw them away. I also refuse it. Interesting thing is his last lipid test his cholesterol went down to 180, his triglycerides went way down, LDL went up and HDL went down. Didn't do anything special.

My attitude is: he is dying anyway so why deprive of sweets and ice cream. And why should I give him medications that would just drag this out. Until the 'failure to thrive last winter and now loosing weight again, he has been healthy except for his brain! For me, I take thyroid which I have been on since 1985 and wellbutrin which I just started again. Otherwise, other than supplements I refuse others. I am only interested in living long enough until he dies since there is no one else to advocate for him. He is 72, I am 67. After he dies then I will decide if I want to continue working on keeping healthy to live longer. My mom, oldest sister and brother all died when the were 79 - all had dementia in various stages, so I may not have that many more.