My DH and I have been married 15 years and close friends since we were teens. His wife, my friend, died at age 47. They had 3 daughters. We married three years later...I had been divorced for 5 years with two children. They were all ages from 16 - 25. We had four at home. His daughters were very angry that he was remarrying.
Through the years we treated all children very well. We put them all through college debt free, paid for family vacations,babysat our grandchildren ( my stepdaughters) . I put a tremendous effort into understanding and Fostering a good relationship with his daughters.
We had a close marriage and I took care of him until last August. We had discussed our final wishes before he had AD Because his daughters were always advising us to. My DH said many times that he wanted to be with me.. We wrote out our wishes specifically stating that and also asking that the children would honor our wishes. We professed our love for them etc.We did this in 2010 before AD. But, we never told them what it said because my DH didnt want a confrontation
Now, when I told them, there was anger and hysterical crying because they want him buried with their mother. I felt badly that they would be upset and agreed he could go next to their mother.
Now. I am very conflicted. I feel as if they are erasing me. I visited my DH today ( he is on hospice) .He is in stage 7 And losing weight rapidly with pressure sores. All, I could think is that I am betrayinghis wishes. I could hear him Speaking in my head when he would say I want to be with you.
Don't know what to do and afraid to tell them I've changed my mind. My daughter just advised me to let it go.
Lorrie, you wrote: " We wrote out our wishes specifically stating that [he wanted to be with you] and also asking that the children would honor our wishes. We professed our love for them etc.We did this in 2010 before AD. But, we never told them what it said because my DH didn't want a confrontation." If you still have this written statement, I would make a copy and send it to them, saying that you wish to honor your husband's wishes. They may not like it and be angry. Some daughters feel very strongly that any woman their father loves after their mother is gone is usurping the mother's place. Your stepdaughters will feel it even more strongly because of their age when their mother died and their father remarried. Having been in the same place with my two stepdaughters, I sympathize with you. While it is understandable on their part, it is not reasonable, and they need to get over it. I hope you have his will in place and all other legal matters clear and settled. In my case, I chose to do what I understood to be my husband's wishes, feeling that I needed to honour him, not them. No matter what you do, it's going to hurt. Don't be afraid. It won't last forever, and you will have respected him and yourself.
I do have our written wishes signed by both of us and placed in our nightstand. They haven't read it.all papers ..will and trusts are done. They have already expressed some negative feelings about that too.
I understand their feelings as daughters about their mother. I hesitate to upset them. But, I also feel like I should honor his wishes.
It seems as if he was very clear…and he put it in writing…that he wants his final resting place to be with you. I think that needs to come first, and the daughters need to grow up and understand that. But trying to think of practicalities…I'm echoing Marche's question: Can you cremate him, so the ashes can be divided? That can work very well in these kinds of situations. Or here's another thought…when you die, can you be cremated and your ashes put in his grave? Or mingled with some of his ashes and scattered somewhere meaningful? Or can you buy a plot so the three of you (you, your husband, and the first wife) can be very close to each other?
I'm so sorry that you have to go through such difficulty with the daughters when you are dealing with so much already. I was thinking about this all last night, and slept on it before I responded.
I am sorry about this extra difficulty in a difficult time. It is clear that they want their father and their birth mother together. This is a very emotional time for all, and this can be a touchy subject to some.
I can see wanting to honor your husband's wishes. I also see wanted to be kind to his daughters.
There are different views on this subject. Some believe in honoring the wishes of the dead above all else. Others believe that funerals and burial are for the living (survivors) and to not always honor the wishes of the dead. Complicating this are various religious believes (e.g. cremation vs embalmment) so it isn't always possible to resolve this to everyone's satisfaction.
You have to decide which battles to fight (sounds familiar, huh?). The wills and trusts strikes me as more important. Will giving in on burial encourage them to fight you on these issues or will they be sated and less likely to challenge them?
I suspect that no matter what you relationship with the daughters might be at an end, which is too bad. They picture their father in a particular way which excludes any spouse but their mother. You have no control over their feelings.
If you do go ahead with your husband's wishes I would be sure to show them the papers showing that these are his wishes. I suspect they won't accept it. If you do bury him by his first wife then I wouldn't show his wishes to them.
Lorrie, my husband's aunt married a man with children when they were young and she raised them. When her husband died he was buried with first wife and a grave on the other side of him was reserved for her. When she died she was buried on one side and the first wife was on the other. I think all concerned were satisfied with this arrangement. It might work for you if there is room. Also they can put one on top of another as was done with a friend's son who died in an accident at 16 and his dad was buried on top of him with mother beside them. These are just suggestions that might work. Sorry you are having these issues on top of everything else. Life is hard!
Your focus and attention really needs to be on your husband right now while he is living. Is it possible that you can discuss the situation with your funeral director, and have him make the calls to the cemetery--see what might be done to keep everybody happy--do the "case management" for you, so to speak. Then the funeral director could call you with any options that might be available.
My idea is that somebody else could do all the research and pricing, so you don't have to, and so you can be there for your husband.
His first wife was your friend. You were married for 15 years. This is YOUR husband.
His daughters were very angry that he was remarrying. This is very common and understandable for five minutes. His daughters didn't want him to have a life. They wanted him in sackcloth and ashes the rest of his days. All because they are angry this happened period. You don't say how your children reacted I noticed. Most children have serious trouble with this and that's very understandable. They would have been like this with any woman he chose. He chose you.
What has been written down is coherent and that it was done because of resistance to his happiness by his children and his wish to avoid a confrontation but be clear. What has meaning is that you know his wishes and that you know it's you that decides this. You can't be in doubt what you both believed.
You were man and wife for 15 years and raised the snot nosed brats that DON'T GIVE A FLYING ABOUT HIM OR YOU THEY JUST HATE THEIR MOTHER DIED.
I don't blame the kids either. Things like this are very tough. I don't blame you for trying to know what to do now either. This is tough.
But you knew this, he knew this, it was written down, and now because they can't grow up, you are going to dump every kind of meaning out the window. Don't let their anger their mother died fifteen years ago still rule. Don't paint yourself out of the picture now because you are very hurt. Instead make copies of those wishes and put the original away and do what is in your and his heart.
And don't EVER forget you raised your friends children for her as best you could.
EDIT- I meant to add that I think it's a mistake to try and get concensus. You talked to them about it and they reacted as you knew they would. You are not bound by what you said under duress neither here nor in a court of law. You should take this topic off the table now and when the time comes then implement - don't discuss again.
Wolf is right that there is no decision that will made everyone happy. If it is your wish to bury your husband in a plot that you have selected, then do so. You have the authority to make this decision and no other reason is needed. Just tell your stepchildren your previous decision was made under pressure. If you want to, give them a photocopy (not the original) of your husband's written statement. Whatever you decide, be polite but firm. Tell them your decision is final and there will be no more talk about it. If they try to raise the issue after that, change the subject and if that doesn't work, leave the room.
I would like to add that when people have to make a decision like this, the worst thing they can do is to show the interested parties that they are vulnerable and can be manipulated. Your stepchildren saw this in you and that's why they are using anger and hysterical crying. So refuse to participate in their drama. Whatever your decision is, being firm but calm and polite will make this whole thing a lot easier.
I also agree with Elizabeth. Your husband is still alive and he needs you. Your stepchildrens' focus on burial issues is unseemly. That's another reason why you need to be firm and let it be known that the debate is over.
P.S. It's easy for your daughter to say "let it go." She may be more interested in keeping peace with her step-sisters than in what your husband wanted or what you want. That is understandable, but the decision is not hers to make.
Everyone above who has weighed in has offered terrific advice about final wishes, step-children, anger, and your place in this whole scenario as his current wife.
My advice is to make photo copies of those documents and move them to a safety deposit box. Once their existence is known, there is no telling what schemes to nullify the documents might be devised.
Thank you all so much for your thoughtful advice and understanding.
Wolf You are right..they are still angry that their mother died and then their father remarried. Thanks to you all who reminded me that he is MY HUSBAND. Thank you for acknowledging that I took care of the girls after their mother died
To those who suggested cremation that is not an option for any of us.
Myrtle...Yes, I was manipulated.
I made copies today and would like to give them to each stepdaughter and resolve this before my husband passes. There will be enough pain then.
I know in my heart I must honor his wishes and I WANT T O BE WITH HIM when my time on this earth is up.
So stressed about how I will tell them. But, thanks now I know that is what I have to do.
And all this to deal with as I my heart is breaking watching my husband approach death. Doctor gave me a timeframe of maybe three or four months.
Dear Lorrie ......I'm not good at giving advise because I keep thinking, "What if I'm wrong?" But here are my thoughts about your situation. ......You mentioned that DH didn't want to tell his children about the agreement because he wanted to avoid a confrontation. He would still probably like to avoid a confrontation. ...... Now if he could understand the situation he left you in, What would he tell you to do? I think he may say "Dear Lorrie, I love you with all my heart and nothing will ever change that. If my daughters want my body, let them have it because I'm not in it. I'm forever with you". .................Your friend GeorgieBoy
We are told: his daughters were very angry when he remarried 3 years after his first wife died; the daughters wanted their father and Lorrie to discuss his final arrangements even before he had Alzheimers; the husband was afraid of telling them what these final arrangements were; when Lorrie recently told them, there was anger and hysterical crying; Lorrie says she feels she is being erased. This is her realty. I'm assuming a grave has already been arranged for her husband and one beside it for her. Is she now to make new arrangements because her stepdaughters are using anger and hysterical crying to get their way? I see this as the stepdaughters using their anger, from the very beginning, to control their father and this marriage. It does no favour to them to indulge them. Lorrie has been a good mother to them and deserves respect. Lorrie has taken care of their father through a most difficult disease and deserves respect for that. They should be kissing her feet, not adding to her stress and grief.
Lorrie, I am also in agreement you honor your husbands wishes and end this fiasco. if the kids want to be with their mother so be it, that's their prerogative, but they can not dictate where you bury your husband. husband prevails over father, sorry. ----you have been a a good wife and stepmother and as I see it, they are trying to demean your marriage to their father. that is not acceptable, and if you must present them with the written final arrangement agreement. we are usually the power of atty for our spouses as well, now they are unable to speak for themselves. this also means not only as a wife but as the guarantor and executor you are making sure HIS wishes will be carried out before any other. its why we make wills testaments and final arrangements before we die. don't be bullied, you have rights and you should honor his wishes first and foremost. stand your ground. divvi*
I spoke to one daughter calmly explaining I must honor their fathers Wishes. She listened silently and said ok. Then asked me about Other plans. I chose to donate his brain to the research institute in NYC Where he was a patient at Columbia Presbyterian. He was a strong Believer I. Do aging anything g that could help others. Before I got hold of the other two she spoke to them.
I so appreciate l your support. My DH is rapidly declining. I am staying alf at his bedside tonight He is running a fever and did not eat or drink or open his eyes to respond at dinner I wi post more on another thread
Lorrie, I'm sending all the moral support I can by way of E.S.P. Stay close to your husband's side…that is all that matters for now. You are one strong and caring person--it shows with every post you write. He is lucky to have you.
Oh dear Lorrie my heart just aches for you. I know you know this...but I just want to mention it. There is not doubt in any way I believe our loved ones hear us until the very end. Just talking to them and hugging them and singing and praying, I just know from experience. (Dado even kissed me in his drugged stupor just one hour before he passed)
You are on my heart, in my prayers, and we love you. And...I think the children will respond well to your words, and I know they are sad too.
I was so glad to read that you reached some agreement with your stepdaughters. You certainly didn't need that added stress. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. Stay strong.
Thanks all for your support. He got through the night and fever went back to normal. Ate and opened eyes Thursday and Friday. By eating, I mean fed some ensure and puréed food. Blank face, mostly unresponsive cannot do anything for himsel ,,,my poor once independent, handsome husband must face this demise. So unfair! I feel heartbroken tonight.. Tears falling.
Oh Lorrie--It was very much like that with Larry, too. I can really relate…your posts are bringing back those last days of late August and early September. Arms around. You will get through this. You may not think so right now, but you will. You will use all your strength and be stronger than you ever thought you could be…because he needs you, and it is so clear that you are there for him and doing what is best for him at all times. (((hugs)))
feelings of helplessness at the end times, is something we all feel dear Lorrie. my heart breaks for you as I also remember the days as I went thru same. my thoughts are with you.
To add to my heartbreak, the stepdaughters have told me they will plan the funeral but not go to plan the cemetery. They have said they are not happy with my decision to bury him with me as we wrote. They " do not want to to talk about it"
I'm trying not to focus on this disagreement now, but I know they will hold onto their resentment.
For one of the first times in my life, I am trying to accept the fact that I can't please everyone. I must follow his wishes and just realizing I deserve to have my wishes to be with him honored also. It was tragic that they lost their mom at an early age. But, I cannot change that. Ironically, I was the best friend who helped them daily after work with her care for her last three months .
Probably. Going to funeral home tomorrow. Can't believe it. It feels unreal.
Tough beans to the stepdaughters. I could just give them such a good shake…honestly, with all you've done for their mother, for them, for the family…and with what you are going through right now. And your husband's wishes are so clear. What brats. Unbelievable.
Ignore them and focus on your husband during these last hard times. (((hugs)))
I am trying very hard to let them and their attitudes go. I remain calm and just discuss visiting and his status update. Right now they are texting back and forth about when they are free to go to funeral home. It is absurd. Their father is dying...can't they clear their day. One says she is not free all next weekend. I am feeling angry now.
I am so sorry you have to go through this. I think you have taken enough "guff" from your stepdaughters. You should make an appointment to see the funeral director, text them the time and date with a note saying "you sincerely hope they can make it."
You are the parent here, and the wife, do what you and your husband want. Hopefully they will get over it. If not, you can't worry about it.
Don't let this mar the last days you will have with your husband.
But the children have backed off their original demands and just don't want to be part of doing it or talk about that part of it. That has to be a fair compromise.
You mention for the first time that your wishes deserve to be respected too and they have been. They have dropped their resistance but they may feel conflicted that they actively take part. Could your own children go with you?
You need to conserve every bit of your energy now to handle the end of this journey and afterwards. Besides eating well and getting enough rest, you need to cut out any stress that you possibly can. I like Moon's suggestion, "You should make an appointment to see the funeral director, text them the time and date with a note saying 'you sincerely hope they can make it.'" On his death, the bank froze all of my husband's accounts. If I had known beforehand, I would have transferred money into my own account (I held POA) to meet expenses. His executor was a Trust Company, and this is Canada, so your situation may be different. It took some time for the money to be released.
Lorrie, I am so very sorry this is happening to you right now. You need to take care of yourself first and your DH second. Don't worry about what the stepdaughters think, it sounds like they could never be happy about what is going on. Strangely enough they seem to be more worried about the after than they are worried about now. You do what you think is best for you. And what your DH wants. Stay strong, make the appointment for the funeral home and let them know about it, and if it is important enough to them, they will make time.
blue* I like the way you stated that the step children seem more concerned with the after than the now. Very telling about them I think. Maybe they should just take time for their dad now, instead of shutting everything out.
Lorrie, I wonder - have these children been a big part of your life? Will there be a hole in your life if they aren't around after this chapter has ended? My husband doesn't hear from his kids much at all, they will not be a part of any final arrangements when the time comes & I will not notice any emptiness when they aren't around (mostly because they haven't been around very much through all these years!) Just wondering......
We completed the funeral arrangements Saturday. Two of the stepdaughters came but they don't want to talk about or come to the cemetery to buy the plot.
It was a surreal experience. I felt like I was looking from the outside in. I was in a fog. I didn't even cry when we picked a casket. I felt numb. I can't believe this is going to happen " sometime".
I have been a part of my step children's lives since they were born. Ironically, I am the godmother of one of the girls. We have all spent a lot of time together. But, I am starting to feel that without their father around, things are changing. Now, I think his wish to be buried with me will cause a permanent resentment.
I feel they have not realized or appreciated the love and care I have given my husband, their father. When he had a fever last week. I slept there and was there for 20 hours. No one even mentioned a thank you or Asked how I was. Just venting..I feel like they have no respect for our marriage.
Lorrie, this all sounds so sad and must be extremely difficult for you....... I can't believe I just said that because I always hate it when someone tells me how sad it all is and how sorry they feel for me! Nevertheless, I'm glad you were able to complete the funeral arrangements and I hope that when the time comes his family will come around and stand with you and perhaps realize just how much you have done for them and their Dad. Look after yourself.
The cemetery plot for my husband and I has been purchased. The funeral arrangements are made. It felt unreal as I took these steps. I did them and remained calm during these "transactions".
Now, I am so anxious waitng for the horrific end to come. The images of the funeral and burial haunt me. I am so scared of what the end will be like. I dreamt I got the call from the nurse and I didn't get there on time to see him. Each day I visit not wanting to miss the day he leaves this world. I am paralyzed by sadness and fear of the unknown.
I am still not feeling fully recovered from my bout of bronchitis / pneumonia. Coughing is worrisome as the dr wants me to have another chest X-ray after a month to see if some things noted have disappeared.
My close friend has asked me to go to the movies and dinner today. I said yes the other day. But, now I don't want to go anywhere and feel I can't miss a day seeing my DH.
I am fighting to get through each day. I don't know how to get through this without cracking .
Dear Lorrie, I feel bad that you are suffering so much. My husband is still going strong but based on what my friends have gone through when their spouses die, it sounds like death is something you cannot control. Can you talk to the Hospice people about the process of dying so you will be more familiar with what to expect and you will not be paralyzed by fear of the unknown? Also, try to give yourself a break about being with your husband at the exact moment of death. Since that's what you want, it would be good if you could be there but try not to agonize over being there or not being there. After all, you were there for him when you could actually do something to make a difference.
Lorrie, just take it one day at a time. Take it in little chunks…just put one foot in front of the other. Keep things as simple and easy on yourself as you can. Only you and your husband matter now. Don't agonize over whether or not you will be physically at the bedside when the time comes. You know that wherever you are he will know how much you love him and I'm sure that when his spirit is freed that he will come to you in spirit. (My grandmother did that--she died in a different state at the other end of the country--but I felt her presence so strongly after I got the phone call that she was gone. I know that her spirit came to see me before she went on to Heaven.) Your love for one another will get both of you through this.
There is a video "Gone from My Sight" made by a hospice nurse to explain the process of dying. It is generally available, but I came to it by way of the FTD Support Forum. It is about an hour in length. Here is the link: http://ftdsupportforum.com/showthread.php?t=18073 Lorrie, I second the words of myrtle and elizabeth. One discussion in the video is that loved ones often seem to choose to die when dear ones are away from their side even for a moment, as if to spare them.
Our Hospice nurse told me the same thing. So I tired to give DH alone time, just incase that was what he wanted. (He was at home) In the end I was with him, no one else. I think that is what he wanted.
Hospice told us the same thing that he wouldn't last until the weekend. I was in a daze by that point so it really didn't sink in. His hospital bed was next to my bed in our room. I got up to use the bathroom about 3AM. I checked he was covered, dry, held his hand and kissed him. I came out of the bathroom a couple of minutes later and he has passed. He was a very quiet, private person in life and that was the way he wanted to leave it.
thinking of you Lorrie, you are doing all things right. I have a book called "Final Journeys" by Maggie Callanan, really helped me alot. She was a hospice nurse. I would be happy to send it to you, and I will go find a link to post here. Please let me know if you would like it, I read it when my sister was dying, and after Dado passed. Very very good.