Today is my birthday. I am 62. It is the month of March and nine years ago my husband received his diagnosis of "probable alzheimers". It was an extremely scary time and I went immediately into warrior mode. We lost his income due to cognitive impairment and my youngest son was in 8th grade at that time. Fast forward to today. My DH is in the late stages of AD. I am still working for many reasons. I love being a teacher, I need health insurance, I will need money in the future, etc. etc. etc.. Here is the major thing. I NEVER tell anyone at work that it is my birthday. Oh, OK, I AM a little nervous about the number of years I have lived. I DO get a little tired of being asked when I am going to retire. I really cannot "retire" at this point. I do not have enough years of service. I stayed home with my children when they were young. At that time, it was "doable" do to my husband's employment. Together, we had a plan for our future, DH and I. Well, AD changed all of that plan. Immediately and forever. So, back to my birthday. You see, I do not talk much about DH at work. In fact, very few co-workers even know that he is bedridden, that we have health care aides during the times that I work, that I am a "Hoyer Queen" and feel as if I could hoist an elephant in one of those things. They do not know that I leave work and go home to hand feed my DH, change h is diapers in bed, give bed baths on weekends because I am extremely tired of the health care aides being in my house. He does not know it is my birthday and hasn't for many years.So, my friends in AD land, here is the thing. I never tell my co-workers that it is my birthday. The next question is ALWAYS "what did you do to celebrate?" Well, the only folks who know the answer to that question are you all. What do I do? Nothing! You all know how that goes. During major holidays, I can fake it a bit. One or all of my lovely three grown children come home. There are very defined "holiday" preparations and traditions. But birthdays are a bit different. They are celebrated in a more personal way, according to the whims and wished of the borthday "person". So here I am. Typing up a little something for you all to ponder. Readers here are the ONLY ones who might get this. It's weird. AD takes away SO much. Even a little birthday attention.
Yes, we here all understand every word you wrote. Many of us have been through the same struggles. But that's no reason we can't celebrate your birthday. So from all of us at the Alzheimer Spouse - HAPPY BIRTHDAY FROM THOSE WHO UNDERSTAND.
I got everything you said except why you are lifting elephants. I hope something nice happens to you which feels like a gift somewhere soon. In the meantime, happy birthday.
Yes Isa, we all understand. For the last 5 years I said that my birthday (and Thanksgiving and even Christmas) were non-events. My next birthday is in April and now I don't have him, so it will still be a non-event.
Birthday Greetings to you, Isa. I completely understand. When I turned 70, that was the first time Dan didn't acknowledge my birthday & it hurt!! Now I've just come to sort of accept it as just another day.
Happy Birthday Isa. I turned 62 last October. It was 7 years ago this month that mine was diagnosed but he is moving slowly - too slow for me - stage 4/5. For many of us birthdays and holidays are just another day. I know it may be hard at times, but glad you are still working. I miss working - it was my time to exist in the 'normal' world.
Isa, it is clear you do a lot for others, and your birthday is a day to do something nice for yourself, whether your husband understands or not. Buy yourself something nice, or give yourself a nice experience, like picking up a small, pretty cake at the bakery to share with him (or not) …or taking a bubble bath…or listening to your favorite music for a while. It doesn't have to be much, but it has to be something that you enjoy. Maybe make your favorite meal for supper.
Wishing you the happiest of birthdays…from one who has been there, done that, and "gets it."
Thank you all. I knew you would understand. And now this day is almost over. This is how it feels on holidays. It is a feeling of "just get through this day". We are in such a strange land with this disease! Actually, I am kind of embarrassed to have written this post about my birthday. It seems so trivial. But there are those moments and thoughts that really can get to you and make you understand just what a crazy ride this AD is! How strange it is to just go through the motions of holidays and birthdays with the underlying thought at the back of your brain thinking "this day is almost over"! It is like wishing your own life away. Sorry. Just "down" this evening.
Hi Isa, When it comes to birthdays, many of us on this site are like neglected children. We deserve better! As others have suggested, try to do something nice for your self this weekend - a pastry or little cake, or maybe some cosmetic item. Happy birthday, ∼ myrtle
Isa, happy happy birthday. Only really great and special people were born on this day. People like YOU and ME!!! We share the same day. You deserve and have earned something just for you. Get your hinney out tomorrow and buy yourself a little something or go get yourself a massage. At the very least, go get you a donut or a ice cream treat! You need to do this to celebrate YOU because YOU are valuable and YOU still matter!!!
Isa, There is no need to feel any embarrassment. You have verbalized what many of us feel. Birthdays are important to us and it's really nice to have just a bit of recognition on our special day--to feel special. We miss it when it's not there.
Sorry, I just signed on at 1 A.M. and it's not your birthday any more. Therefore, I get to send you very special Belated Birthday Wishes. Yes, we all here can sympathize with you on the many missed celebrations. I hope you find something special to make you happy over the weekend. Happy Birthday to you Isa!!
Aunt B, Hope you had a special day too. Happy Birthday.
Thanks Aunt B. and everyone! Definitely feeling better today, as the birthday blues have blown away. I knew they would but yesterday I experienced a moment of sadness and you all were there to help. Thank you. And Aunt B., I hope you did something nice for yourself yesterday. :)
Isa, happy belated birthday! My husband hasn't bought me a gift for over 5 years but I always buy myself something from him. Selfish maybe, but I feel I need a reward for all I do. When I get my gift I thank him and when the kids stop by he asks, what did I give you and tells them. He's all happy about it and I am too. (Cuz I sometimes want to drag him by the ear into the bathroom to clean up his mess.) really it would just get more spread around anyway.