Going through some old papers, I found an excerpt from the book "Never Say Die", by Susan Jacoby. It said:
"Here's what one cannot do and be considered a person who is aging successfully: complain about health problems to anyone younger; weep openly for a friend or lover who has been dead more than a month or two; admit to depression or loneliness; express nostalgia for the past; or voice any fear of future dependency--whether because of poor physical health, poor finances, or the worst scourge of advanced old age, Alzheimer's disease. American society also looks with suspicion on old people who demand to be let alone to deal with aging in their own way. One must look neither too needy for companionship nor too content with solitude to be considered a role model for healthy aging rather than a discontented geezer or crone. It's great to be old--as long as one does not manifest too many of the typical problems of advanced age."
I knew that a lot of the people I ran into acted like they believed this, but I never knew that there were actually rules! Evidently the book says that if you dare to do any of these "terrible" things, you then become invisible to people, because they don't want to face that their future might include exactly what they see happening to you.
I figure I'm well into the crone stage, and could not care less what most people think about it. I consider it a miracle some days that I can still brush my teeth and (occasionally) form a coherent sentence. If I can't manage to make my life palatable to other people, it's just too bad. It's not exactly a picnic for me, either. (That was the old crone speaking, as you can see!) I think it's a shame that people treat each other this way. Don't they know that sooner or later things will get hard for them or for someone they love? Oh, but then it's different--because it's happening to them!
Yikes! I'm 66 years old. Is that considered elderly? I guess it is. I have broken more than one of those rules, but I try not to do so often, because the truth is - no one wants to hear it. We are expected to suffer in silence or have a forum like this where it is okay to vent the truth and receive understanding.
I've noticed something else lately about my "elderly" self. For the first time in my life, I am willing to do what I want whenever I want, wherever I want, and I honestly don't give a darn what anyone says about it. I feel as though 12 long, agonizing years of Alzheimer caregiving and a heart broken into a million pieces has afforded me that leeway.
I'm with you Joan! I no longer care what somebody else thinks & that's a complete turn around for me.
JanK, the words you shared from that book almost sound, to me at least, like they are (or should be) said tongue in cheek. There are no rules in aging as far as I'm concerned. I always hoped to & wanted to age as graciously & gracefully as possible. If I complain now & then - so what! If I enjoy my solitude (what's that?) then tough! Maybe it was written by a younger person who hasn't walked in "elderly" shoes yet! :)
JanK, A rule book for the elderly should be against all rules! I thought I was upper middle age but at age 67 I guess I am an old crone. I do not even want anyone to ask me how I am doing if they did not ask me that when I was in the middle of home caregiving. When I am asked by those folks I just tell them that I am crazy but I don't have any paperwork to prove it. I will try to be law abiding but the rules I follow will be my own. Yep, I am definitely an old crone!
I read this book a few years ago. If my memory is accurate, the words quoted by JanK are not what the book is saying - they describe the attitude the author was criticizing.
From what I remember, the author thought that older people should be not be criticized for expressing their unhappiness and anger. She said that many years ago, people in their 80s and 90s were stereotyped as useless and senile but in recent years, the pendulum has swung too far the other way and now very old people are expected to act as if they have no problems at all. She had a lot of facts and figures about how people past the age of 80 are poorer than they were before and have a lot of health problems. She thought that society was not helping them as much as it should. I also think the author also took care of someone with Alzheimer’s, although I'm not sure about that. I just looked up the author's website. It says she was born in 1945.
Yes, myrtle--you are exactly right. I'm sorry I wasn't more clear. The author is describing what popular culture seems to demand from older people, not what she thinks they should do.
I think you are only as old as you feel. I'm 78, and although I don't walk as far or fast as I used to, I don't feel old (usually). I have great plans for the next few years before I really get old.
If you are only as old as you feel, then I am close to 100 years old. I was a young 59 when I walked into this horror show and 7½ years of it has turned me into an old woman.
1. Never trust anyone under 30 because what they don't know about life is a lot.
2. Always nod that you're going to co-operate and then do whatever it was you were going to do before anyway. The worst they'll do is roll their eyes.
3. Never worry that you walk into a room clueless as to why you are here. You are an elder in the tribe and deserve respect for that. You're not paid to be a walking encyclopedia.
4. The extra pounds are the storage of energy in case you need it. If you get lost in a desert or fall into a coma your genius will become apparent.
5. When you feel lonely go for a drive and wave and honk enthusiastically at people you don't know from adam. They will wave back enthusiastically because they can't be sure and it's like having friends everywhere.
6. Celebrate the porcupine quills or the wispy silk that is now your hair. If you are bald tell people you shave it for aerodynamics but never actually explain. Better yet, dye it mauve and pretend you didn't.
7. Every gasp for air no matter how short by those talking is an invitation to tell your life story. You are an elder remember and you bring the wisdom of experience to the turnip truck. You may be the only one who knows what a party line or an extension phone or Mr Ed or Jimmy Cricket are.
8. Always remember that the smart asses that are telling you what to do and not do, eat and not eat, and think and not think have no clue because no group has ever lived this long and certainly no group has ever lived this long with this kind of independence. Just fifty years ago they lived with their children and nursing/retirement homes were rare. A hundred years ago the eldest male might inherit the farm or business and the rest of the kids were basically screwed where the average age was well under 60 and almost every family had children who died early. And one hundred and fifty years ago (1865) and before the average age drops off sharply when no one understood germs and cleanliness was both bad and unaffordable. Talk to me quacks about what you don't know because it's undiscovered country and we are that experience where some argue the average life span is beginning to come down.
9. Remember that while the (sorta) old don't get much respect anymore, they also get away with tons of stuff and have more toys to play with. I could take Viagra and use my johnson as a coat rack for four hours and not get tired. I can have someone read me a book when I'm too lazy. I can have someone half my age come to my house and give me a massage or actually give me a massage and no one would be upset. I could take up origami or bonzai trees or get my body tatooed or garden the rest of my life because society doesn't actually care what I do now and almost anything I do will be encouraged as long as it's 'over there'.
10. Remember that how life is designed isn't something you were consulted on and that while the oldest person in the world with documentation just turned 117, the fact is that your little crumb of a life is something most everyone in history would love to trade places with you for. Just the likelihood of eating regularly, having a toilet, and a safe place to sleep would create a lineup hundreds of miles long. I'll tell you what Dianne would give a lot for. Having just one more good sandwich never mind a piece of the apple pie I baked this afternoon. Which is why my job isn't to dwell on her not having any of these things but to learn from the lesson of the sandwich which became priceless when we no longer had it and valueless when we did.
I'm no Pollyanna but I think bitterness and isolation will eventually join what are thought of as clinical conditions where depression has reached a diagnosable (because it's recognized now) state. I also know those conditions come with age and why. As we come into the last third we know that and having just a shiny outlook about the future isn't a complete understanding. It's this demographic that throughout recorded history has been certain the current generation has gone to the dogs and in all that recorded history no one ever admits why they became trolls.
I do. I'm an old fart and all I'm doing is bopping around. I don't need to explain it. I don't need to understand it. I just need to value it. Be the sandwich. Not the troll.
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Hey! Susan Jacoby!
"It's great to be old--as long as one does not manifest too many of the typical problems of advanced age". That sentence is retarded. It's great to be any age when we're healthy you quack! Try this one.
"It's great to be young--as long as one does not manifest too many of the typical problems of the physically handicapped." After all, it's a real downer for the others.