This morning I was running through my “I need to” list in my head. I’m sure you’re all familiar with that—“I need to”…..call the doctor, pick up DH’s prescriptions, run the dishwasher, get to the grocery store, do a load of laundry, pay the bills, …..
Somehow I got derailed in the middle of the “I need to” phrase, and my mind just said, “I need”. It almost brought tears to my eyes. How often do I allow myself to even ask about what I need? I can tell you all the zillions of things I do that are involved in running the house and taking care of DH, but I’m not doing so well on taking care of me. Maybe I don’t think about what I need because the chance of getting any of those things is so small. But even without asking the question, it hurts to always be last on the list of getting time, energy, and financial support. There’s nobody to see that I’m sick, or tired, or grieving, or that maybe I wanted something different for my life. Even me. I can’t afford to see things like that. Somehow I’m supposed to get up every morning with an understanding heart and a smile on my face, and I’m supposed to meet every day with renewed energy and--no matter the challenge-- successfully master it. Maybe in some alternate universe that would be possible, but not in this one. I’m not a machine. I’m a rapidly-aging woman whose own health is sinking fast, and whose spirits are sinking even faster.
A couple of years ago I found a sentence in a book that absolutely stopped me in my tracks. It said “Even a steel ship needs maintenance.” We are not nearly as strong as steel ships, but some of us, like me, have stopped getting even routine maintenance. I know that all the books say that we are supposed to take care of ourselves—put the oxygen mask over our faces first—but how do we do that with very limited resources? Seriously, how do we do everything we’re supposed to be doing—taking care of our loved one, keeping the house going, making the finances work—when we are so overwhelmed both physically and emotionally? How do we make extra time, energy and money to meet our own needs? I have been caregiver for half a decade, with probably another half decade in front of me. I don’t think I can do it. I absolutely do not think that I will live another five years like this. But what other option do I have?
Dear Jan, sounds like you are in dire 'need' of a break from it all and running on empty. exactly these little things are what add up in multitudes to cause us to hit the breaking point. or boiling point. its why we are always saying here, you have to create some sort of backup system where you can get out for a break now and then. anywhere away from the dayin dayout stuff. i got out with my grandaughters today for a couple of hrs and we just went to the mall and ate icecream and window shopped. it was relaxing and didnt cost an arm and leg. getting out among real people and having a conversation with someone who can give you some feedback and emotional warmth aides our soul. it you look at the big picture its frightening and overwhelming, and those are days like you are having. try to take a deep breath, and add to your to do list, 'get out of the house for some time alone" -sending you a cyber hug and know we feel like you too alot of the time, divvi
Dear Jan. Hate to tell you this, but your FIRST priority is yourself. If you get sick or burned out, you will not be able to help your DH.
You absolutely have to prioritize some of that stuff. Can you have your bills paid on line? $$ is probably tight so a housekeeper is probably out but does the house have to be done as frequently as you're doing it? Can it wait?
Can you squeeze a little something out of the household budget to lay back just for you? I really have a lot of suggestions for someone else. Don't always follow through myself.
Please try to carve out some time and join our book club. Where else can you get together with a bunch of very fine people and cuss and discuss some people that aren't real and all of their adventures?
Blessings! I hope the rest of the day is better than the first half.
The way I see it, Jan, you have two options: keel over and die before your spouse does, or prioritize.
You have a list of to-dos. Separate them into (1) absolutely has to be done, (2) it would be very good to get done but the world won't stop spinning if it doesn't, (3) might be nice but really is not necessary, and (4) why is this even ON my list???
Focus on getting the #1's done. Don't try to do them all at once. Pick one you know you can get done fairly quickly, to start with ... that will give you a sense of accomplishment. Do one of the really yucky ones -- things that you just hate to do, for whatever reason -- each day, leave the other really yucky ones for another day.
Judith just said, on another post, "God made dust to protect my furniture." This is a GREAT attitude. Cultivate it.
Update the list regularly. See if you can't persuade yourself that some of the #1's are really #2's, and some of the #2's are really #3's. You'll get better at it as time goes by.
Most importantly, make sure that your lists include things to do for YOU. And make sure that some of things to do for YOU go into the #1 list. Things to do to protect your health, things to do to protect your sanity.
Reward yourself for getting the yucky #1 tasks done ... a bubble bath with wine and a good book, a few minutes sitting in the garden smelling the flowers and letting the sun warm you, a quick walk for fresh air and exercise, a little time spent listening to your favorite music.
Hey, you can read High Noon while sitting in a bubble bath with a glass of wine. Now, that sounds pretty good to me. You might want to light a few candles to really set the mood. Be creative. Think seriously about taking care of JanK every day. I know she will really appreciate your! (smile)
Oh ... and how could I forget: ASK FOR HELP. Ask family, ask neighbors (even if you don't know them very well), ask people in your church, or if you belong to a club or a gym. Don't sit and wait for someone to offer. Have a list ready of things people could do to help, in case someone DOES offer.
Contact your local Alzheimer's Association chapter to find out what resources may be available.
On another site someone wrote: If someone asks what they can do to help, tell them you'd love to have your carpet vacummed. NEVER turn an offer away. They may not come back.
And, I just yesterday did that. My grand daughter was coming over. She said would you like me to do your windows? And, Dummy, here, said "Oh, no. That's ok. I just want to visit with you."
All excellent advice, and help I could have used years ago! Where were you all then? LOL I would add that is doesn't have to be anything major to refresh yourself and your soul. Today, I went to the grocery store by MYSELF. I haven't been able to go anywhere in years without Lynn in tow, complaining and wandering and making me a nervous wreck. It was such a SIMPLE thing, yet you would have thought I was at Disney world!
One of the first places I went alone once I realized how isolated I had become, was the library. He has always hated going to the library, so it was an obvious place to go alone.
When I was a child we were very poor. The library was the only place where I could indulge myself. I could have as many books as I wanted, and I could go every day (especially in the summer) and take back the old books and get new ones. So a library was the obvious place for me to go to have a treat.
Find some place or some thing, and it doesn't have to be a big thing, that you can do for yourself and try to do something for yourself every day. We all need to refil that tank.
PLEASE, PLEASE call the Alz Assn for help. You must start taking care of you, I know for we have all been there. We ignore our aches and pains, annual DR. visits, mammorgrams and pretty soon our bodies (and minds) start to break down. Do you have any family close by that could stay with your LO for you just to take a drive by yourself and clear the confusion from your soul??
Guess what, that housework is going to be there next week, next month so if you miss a week IT IS OKAY. My mother once told me that it is going to be there when I am dead and gone and nobody is going to care. I have developed a bad habit of stacking the mail and going trough it "when I get around to it" but IT IS OKAY. What I am saying is that our lives have changed so drastically since AZ and what we have always done has to change too. We are not superhuman and the stress that we live under can truly cause havoc. Please get some relief for yourself.
JanK, I'm here saying Amen to all those good suggestions as well. I was confronted with my own health for the first time a few weeks ago. Scared me into making dr. apts..which have been neglected for a number of years because of such high intensity focus on husband's and my mother's health issues.
If anyone here has managed to take this 'trip' without burnout, breakdown,or befuddlement, they are from some other planet. Latch on to any of the helpful hints that make sense to you and sometimes it helps to just stop for a minute or two and breatheeee.. (I'll remind myself of that today several times for sure)
I've been reading various books too but now have 3 going which is not the usual way for me. One is about a lost painting, another is about overcoming artist or writer's 'block' (oh well..), another is about a perception of creation of the world.(fiction). Nora Roberts is always a good read..Danielle Steele is as well.. I even read that Ken Follett book about PIllars and Church building in Europe, bloody but THICK. hee hee.
Try Googling "Caregiver Resource" and the name of your state. A lot of states have them. They helped me tremendously with respite care. And it sounds like you need some respite!
Yoga? Pilates? Both great for your head and body. Can do at home, better to get some respite and take a class.
When my yoga teach left my area I asked for suggestions of DVDs to buy. She strongly recommended Total Yoga the 4 pack featuring Tracey Rich and Ganga White. They are progressive in intensity. When I force myself to practice I remain calm for hours. Best done before eating.