Wolf, you have my sincerest condolences on the passing of your Dianne. You've really been a trooper, a soldier (the only words that have come to my mind right now) & you have earned your stripes, while Dianne has earned her wings.
All I can think of is part of a song that we sing in church - "my chains are gone, I've been set free"....
Wolf, I have no words of wisdom for you. Dianne's journey is over, yours is still happening. Take care of yourself and know that all of us on this site care about you. Very few other people, except for those who are going through this or have gone through it, really know what it's all about. I didn't really know until I was living it. Your perseverance is very admirable.
I know you do not like compliments, Wolf, as I have tried to send them your way over the years, and you have responded like today. I respect that.
I agree with Elizabeth - you are a lovely writer! And I support you do not wish to be acknowledged as such.
I am thinking of you and Dianne a great deal. In all my years of nursing practice, and being here, where we have said, the caregivers often die first. If we don't, it is my experience, that by the time our loved one dies, and we are still alive, we have grieved 99.9%.
Thank you for letting us walk with you and I hope you will continue to be with us...if it suits you, and I do understand it if does not.
It is interesting to look back - Dianne was mute through the journey you shared with us, yet we all knew her as you the writer would have us know her. So perhaps she was a muse and you were her instrument. She instructed and you wrote and painted your way back from the abyss that took her and will take all of our spouses. To read through these threads of yours is a travelogue of sorts: To Despair and Back.
It is Dianne that we thank for the story that tells us that ultimately "Alzheimer's wins, but then it is dead." And we the living, must go on living, and it is our choice how we do that. Is that it, Wolf?
I am sorry about the loss of your beloved Dianne. You honored her, as always, by being present as she left this shitty world.
You don't like compliments, I know, etc. etc. I want to tell you that I have instructed my therapist to come here and read your posts. When I have shared with her some of your insights here, she has asked my permission to use those insights in her therapy with caregivers. Not my permission to give, but I gave it anyway. You have given voice to emotions and realities in a way that I have seen nowhere else. If you choose to leave AD and all its detritus behind, I would not blame you. But it is my sincere hope that you gather together your posts here and write a book? An e-book? I don't know - somehow get your thoughts out there to as many caregivers as possible.
Joan is a brilliant and brave woman for putting this site together, when there was no other place for us to go. I join in the Kudos.
Also, Wolf, you will be overrun with women wanting to comfort you in various ways. Perhaps it is inappropriate or crude to say that here, but it is a fact. Life affirms life, Wolf. And in this strange cyber-world, you are very loved.
......You've really given me a lot of words to think about. It will take me awhile to let them sink in. I've been thinking of you and hoping that you will find the happiness we all deserve. Right now you are in the place where I was two and a half years ago when I had just lost my dear Helen. At that time I sometimes thought I would never be happy again. ...... Throughout my life I've thought a lot about happiness and firmly believe that the sole purpose of life is to seek happiness. At least that is true for me, as I've never done anything else. Everything I do or say is somehow directed toward that goal. ......I've thought and written a lot about Happiness, and after realizing that it's really all that life has to offer, I finally discovered exactly what makes me Happy... It's all about making someone else Happy. Even just seeing Happiness in other people makes me Happy. ......Now Wolf, I could go on and on about Happiness, but I'm sure you already know all this, and I'm not going to worry about you being Happy. You have a great talent for creating Happiness. Look at what you've done on this site. You must be one Happy Guy........... .......................And that's what makes me Happy........... GeorgieBoy
I like compliments the same way a dog likes a ride in the car with the window open. So I do gush like Sally Fields "You like me! You really like me!", which is so lovely in it's perfect blend of low self esteem and fifteen minute stardom. Oh well.
Marche, that's pretty much right. Dianne didn't instruct but she did approve or disapprove and it is what we choose but saying that isn't helpful. Despair and back. Yup, pretty much.
I really do appreciate being reached out to. I'll tell you I'm so different that when I was a kid I used to think I was actually an alien visiting this planet. When I was seven I came up with the theory of continental drift independently for which I was spanked. I think that scarred me for life and I blame my parents for anything I might have done subsequently. I also apologize to my mother for insisting I was adopted.
I appreciate all of what you said Jodi. This is Joan's site; but, for my part anyone may use anything I say in any way. I'm just learning. But I know I'm touching several of humanity's blind spots and with any luck I'll be able to push this open a bit.
I would like to share my favourite story here. My favourite experience I mean. I forget her name and it must have been two or three years ago. She came on and talked about what unbelievable sacrifice and all these vague notions about what's right and wrong and I so very badly wanted to write back and say "It's alright honey, you don't have to". So many nice people here answered her and I remember knowing that was the only post of hers we were ever going to see. That lady took one look, pee'd herself that real life was trying to happen to her, and road runner time.
Like Wolf and InJail, I understand people's instinct to cut and run when they realize what they're facing. But I think that in most cases, the decision to stick it out was made long before the realization that dementia has taken a place at the table. My own choice was made when I threw my lot in with my husband, which I always thought was perfectly expressed by the line in the Simon & Garfunkle song, "America": "Let us be lovers, we'll marry our fortunes together." (In this context, the word "fortunes" means "chance, luck or destiny" -- not "money.")
Some people cite their wedding vows (“for better or for worse . . . in sickness and in health . . .”) as reason for staying with their spouses, but in our case the vows were superfluous. Long before our wedding, we had already "married our fortunes together."
I truly don't have a low opinion of that lady but I also offer no respect. Beep beep.
The next time you're down on yourself because you're not perfect, you might remember you didn't cut and run and instead there is no price that can be set on what you're doing and there is no shame or failure in having feelings about being tortured and there are no style points awarded because no matter how artfully you survive this - the pain is the same probably.
My condolences Wolf, you have shared your story with eloquence and candor, now you have a new sorrow. Your stories have helped me hang in there (not like I could go anywhere) just knowing I am not alone in this.
I have not visited Joan's for so long...my visits just kind of dwindled since Lloyd died. For some reason I was drawn to visit today. So sorry to hear of Dianne's passing. You have been so vigilant and true. You have been an amazing guardian angel. Just know she is at peace now. I know no matter how any years we spend anticipating the end, we are never ready. Break out the old photos and stroll down memory lane and let all the good times come back...and keep the tissue close at hand. (((Hugs)))
I am so sorry Wolf. Like Linda, I was drawn here today and so shocked to see that your wife has passed. Take care of yourself. As somebody said somewhere in this thread, take as good care of yourself as you did of your wife. My thoughts and prayers are with you.